01x10 - Pieces of Sue

[bunniefuu]

Camomile: Previously on Deadbeat...

All right, try it now.

Testies, testies, one, two, three.

Ha!

Are you seeing any ghosts right now?

No.

Sue? The recording.

Hit play.

(On laptop): Have you ever seen a ghost in your life?

Kevin: No.

I have never seen a ghost.

Your business is finished.

Go on, get out of here.

(Whimpering)

You too, Blob.

(Continues whimpering)

Just go.

Mrs. White, please, I have to confess something.

I believe in Kevin.

I think there's something else in this cave.

Something powerful.

(Screaming)

Roofie: What do you mean you're done with ghosts?

I mean, I'm finished with them.

Look, I know what the word means.

Well, then why did you ask?

I know you lost your subway job, but come on, man, there's gonna be others.

It's not the job. You don't get it, Roofie.

I finally had a chance to prove that I, a real medium, was better at ghosts than Camomile White, a fake medium, and I still somehow managed to lose.

Look, you can't just be done, all right?

You have a rare gift that-that helps people.

Well, it's the stupidest gift ever.

Why can't I just be a regular old newsstand operator like everybody else in this city?

A regular newsstand... What are you talking...?

You know what, I'm not gonna let you squander this gift.

You know what, if you wanna operate my newsstand, you gonna have to put the ghost sign back up.

Slam dunk!

Okay, fine.

Okay, now...

I quit. What?

I don't have to be a newsie, Roofie.

There are lots of other jobs that I could try, I just haven't tried them yet.

And I won't have to deal with stinking fart-faced ghosts all day either! You'll see.

You'll all see!

Pac!

It'll be anarchy! Hello, world, meet Kevin Pacalioglu.

Come back.

(Rock theme playing)

(Mysterious theme playing)

Did you find anything?

No, Paul. I haven't found squat.

All of these books are just rubbish.

Most of them are ghost erotica.

You wrote them.

(Sighs)

I've made a career out of exploiting people who believed in ghosts, and now it seems there really are ghosts and I've just been living a lie!

I just don't see the big deal. Your fans think that you have always believed in ghosts, and now if you actually do, maybe you'll just be able to, you know, do your job better.

Oh, my God, you're right.

(Chuckles)

I'll just be even more convincing.

I can use that feeling that I had in the tunnel at anytime and whenever I need to go som...

(Dramatic theme playing)

The tunnel.

What?

Whatever it was that k*lled Sue down there... is still down there.

They start construction again tomorrow.

Oh, my God, all those innocent people...

My career.

What?

I gave the stamp of approval on that tunnel.

I gave them the all-clear, I said the ghost had gone.

If anybody else dies, my career will be destroyed.

What are you gonna do?

Well, I'm gonna get rid of the ghost.

(Stammering): Do you know how to do that?

No.

But I know someone who does.

(Mysterious theme playing)

(Alarm buzzing)

(Groaning)

♪ Well I know what I want ♪
♪ If I know what you're getting ♪
♪ I take what I want ♪
♪ Uh-huh in a flash ♪
♪ Well I know what I want ♪
♪ If I know what you're getting ♪
♪ I take what I want ♪
♪ Uh-huh it's a gas ♪
♪ Believe me ♪
♪ You're gonna leave me when you hear the truth ♪
♪ Some things you do in the city ♪

What the hell was that? I always wanted to try that.

You, out.

No. Come on.

♪ Well I know what I want ♪
♪ If I know what you're getting ♪
♪ I take what I want ♪

Hey. It's you!

You're the one that did all this to me!

(Grunting) Piece of...

You're out!

But I didn't...

No, this is not good.

♪ Uh-huh it's a gas ♪

Any who, that's why I quit ghost work, you know.

The whole industry is just too throat-cutty for me.

Hey, can I confide something inside you?

I don't even like ghosts. I don't, I don't like them. I can't believe I'm saying that.

They're just, they're so needy.

They're only friends with me because they want something.

Because they know I can hear them.

And then I inevitably get attached, and they abandon me for that stinking light.

And the question is, do I really need that?

The answer is no, I don't.

(Speaking in Spanish)

Kevin: I hear you, brother.

I don't get what you're saying, but I hear ya.

I hear all of you, you guys are my new family.

And I will take care of you no matter what, just as long as you stay alive, for as long as I'm alive.

Just don't go turning into a bunch of ghost jackasses...

Ah!

Someone will clean that up, right?

Si.

You will.

Oh.

You speak English? Si.

(Creaking)

Herro?

Somebody there?

Blob, is that you?

Cause I'm pretty sure I banished you, buddy.

(Ghostly murmuring)

Okay, that better be somebody living, like a robber or a m*rder*r, because I am so done with...

Sue...

(Giggles): You can see me.

Oh, my God, Sue, you're... you're dead, what happened?

You were right, the subway... there's something else down there.

Yeah.

I was with Camomile, cleaning up after the séance, and this monster k*lled me.

A monster?

I didn't get a good look at it, but it was big. Huge teeth.

Stabbed me right in the heart.

Well, at least it didn't s*ab you right in the back.

Well, it did because it went through my chest and then out through my back.

No, you stabbed me in the back.

You stabbed me in the back. You betrayed me.

The whole drunk at the bar. That was just a big, elaborate ruse so you could go tell Camomile about the subway job.

No, I know it looks bad, but it wasn't a set-up.

Ah, I don't believe you.

Please, Kevin, that night we had, it was real, I swear. But when I got home, Camomile was waiting for me.

And she forced it out of me. You know how scary she can be.

I tried to cover, but...

I'm sorry.

I ruined everything for us.

I shouldn't have asked, I'll just be a ghost forever.

You don't ruin everything.

It's just, like uh!

You know? What are you asking me for, what do you need?

My body is still in the tunnel.

I can't move into my light until my body is buried at sea.

Your body's buried at sea? Isn't it...

No, doesn't matter. That's fine.

I'll do it. I'll help you.

Really?

As long as you leave me alone.

Okay, just leave me alone.

I can't deal with any more emotions today.

I'm getting emotion sickness.

(Speaking softly): Okay.

Kevin: You smell really bad.

I-I really wish I didn't eat that pulled pork sandwich earlier. Unh...

Sue: I think we should probably hurry.

What... Oh. You know what, Sue?

I'm not afraid of this "monster" you're talking about, okay?

I've seen just about everything there is to see in this world.

No, it's just you're picking up body parts and if someone walked in, it wouldn't look so good.

Oh, right.

Yeah, point taken.

God, you're everywhere.

Mm. I'm sorry I didn't die in a more convenient way.

It doesn't even matter, honestly.

Why?

Because, this is my last job.

After the Camomile ridicule session down here, I decided I'm giving up the ghost.

What do you mean?

It's a figment of speech, Sue. It means to quit, okay?

You can't quit.

Yes, I can.

What about all those ghosts out there?

That's not my problem.

Kevin, these are tortured souls with no one to turn to.

You're the only one who can help them.

I don't want to get into it, okay, Sue?

You should just be counting your stars lucky that I'm even helping you, all right?

Uh...

(Dramatic theme playing)

Oh, my God, look. I think that's it.

That's it?

Run! De-materialize! Go! Oh, oh crap!

(Yelling indistinctly)

(Growling)

Ah, what the hell was that?

I have no idea. What, wait...

How do you not know?

How I not know what?

No, uh, sorry, sir. Not-not talking to you. Sorry.

(Whispers): How-how did you not see it?

I freaked out, give me a break. I only d*ed yesterday.

(Normal voice): I know that your instincts are still human, but you're not human anymore, okay?

You barely even exist!

Hey, buddy, I only try to do my job.

Yeah, I'm sorry, again. Not addressing you.

Look, Mmmikh-Mikkhaa... it says Michael. That doesn't say Michael.

The h is silent.

Michael.

Yeah.

(Down tempo theme playing)

See what I did there?

Sue: I guess chivalry is not dead.

No, no. Just you. Ha, ha.

Too soon? Little bit?

Kevin (Chuckling): It's never too soon for that joke.

(Giggling)

(Sighs)

Hey, ah, before we go any farther, can I just ask you, what's with the burial at sea?

It just seems like, ew.

Uh, I don't know, it's kinda private.

Uh, Sue, I just picked up pieces of your lady flower off the floor of a subway tunnel.

Try me.

Okay.

When I was a kid, I used to get picked on at school.

So when I came home I would get in the bathtub and go underwater.

'cause underwater, no one can see you cry.

Well, that would've been nice to know at the orphanage.

Well...

Don't you worry, Sue.

We'll get you back to that watery comfort zone asap, okay?

Okay.

Now, you have the bag?

The bag?

The cab! Oh, no! Michael!

(Indistinct radio chatter)

I believe I may have left my bag in one of your cars.

Could you describe it a little more please?

Uh, it's like a tote-slash-duffel bag.

Brown leather, supple, smells like a boot. It's a genuine Gucci knockoff.

(Silence)

Oh, also, I just remembered, it's probably sopping wet with, like, a blood-colored liquid.

We just had a bag matching that description that was actually just turned in.

You did? Yeah, that's mine.

Tch.

Sir, would you mind describing to me the contents of the bag?

Contents?

(Laughing)

Do I... do I even need the bag?

I didn't really like this bag.

Please, Kevin. I'll be a ghost forever.

Yeah, yeah... Piece of cake.

Uh, there are some lady's... pieces... there.

Garments?

Uh, yeah, sure, those too.

But mostly, though, uh... women's... parts?

Like the body parts of a young woman?

Sorry, I'm gonna need you to be a little more specific.

Okay, so... limbs.

Pretty standard. Limbs. Dainty but, uh, scrappy.

You know, like good for hugging.

There's a torso in there. It's petite, yet womanly.

Uh, two women's breasts... not the breasts from two different women, but-but, you know, two breasts, from the same woman.

They're full, yet pert.

And proportional, to the before-mentioned torso.

Perfect handfuls, really.

There's a face.

It's, uh, a small face.

A delicate flower of a face, really.

No-no gashes in there or anything.

Great eyes. Kind.

Honest eye lashes, you know, good-good for batting.

Ears you could get lost in for days.

And lips. Soft, soft pouty lips. I don't...

I'm not really sure what color...

Ahi red. The lipstick I was wearing was ahi red.

Ahi red lips, like the tuna.

Raw, sushi-grade tuna.

Ah... wait, I...

(Tense theme playing)

All righty. Good to go.

Ah, just sign that form and you're all set.

Really? That's it?

Yeah.

Sorry about the interrogation.

You wouldn't believe how many deadbeats come in here trying to claim stuff that isn't theirs.

I bet.

(Grunts)

Careful.

Ooh.

You might wanna put air fresheners in there.

Did you really mean all that?

What?

What you said back there. About me.

Oh, uh...

Ow!

Hello, Kevin.

I hope you're not in the middle of anything.

Well, now I'm in the middle of you and this really hard wall.

Now, just you listen to me, and you listen good.

I need you to go back into that tunnel and get rid of that ghost.

What? Why do you suddenly care?

Because construction starts tomorrow and if that ghost kills or even maims anybody, it's my ass on the line.

And if I go down, you go down.

While I appreciate that visual, I'm not into you that way anymore.

It was a brief moment, we had it, it passed.

Kevin, what's this?

It's a video recorder.

Yeah... and on here is footage of you earlier in the tunnel picking up Sue's body parts and talking to yourself.

Uh-oh.

Ha, ha.

Uh-huh, yeah, the medium that lost the job kills his rival's assistant.

A story so juicy I could sell it right here, right now.

To who? To me? I can't afford those rights.

Just...

Ow!

Get rid of the ghost.

God, your finger's so pointy.

Aw, Susan B. Anthony, she is intense.

She's bluffering though, right?

I don't know.

She's right about one thing though, that ghost down there is dangerous.

And if you don't do anything to get rid of it, those innocent workers are going to be clocking in for their deaths tomorrow.

(Grunts)

All right, fine, fine. Yeah.

Let's go, come on.

(Down tempo theme playing)

Okay, I'm going in.

Okay, just be careful.

Don't get yourself k*lled.

I won't, but thank you.

We still have to do my thing after.

(Chuckling)

Okay, ahem, I'm going in for reals now.

Okay, and then what?

And then uh... you know, and then uh...

I'm in.

In what? What's the plan?

What are you talking about?

Once I'm in here, I'm in...

(Kevin screaming)

Oh, fart!

Uh... hey, hey!

Hey! Wait! Stop! Stop what you're doing!

What, you can see me?

Kevin: Yes, g*dd*mn it!

I can see you. I need you to stop what you're doing.

Put the machinery down!

Put it down!

Thank God.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, I didn't know you could see me.

Why would that matter?

It's just different when it's anonymous.

Just, you stop, okay?

That's insane behavior.

(Sighing): Who are you?

I'm Daniel L. Turner. Engineer.

Why are you k*lling everyone?

Why did you k*ll me?

I never wanted to k*ll anyone.

I just wanted to scare them so they wouldn't finish the subway.

Why don't you want the Second Avenue subway line finished?

Because I designed it and I never got any credit.

Hold on, back it up. Everybody knows that Earl Graystone designed the Second Avenue subway line.

Earl Graystone was a fraud!

He designed overly complicated subway routes for absolutely no reason.

And yes, people loved it. They ate it up.

They called him a visionary. Said his designs were sexy.

Sounds like a real Camomile White.

I, on the other hand, cared about the commuter, so I designed a straight-line Second Avenue subway line that cut travel time in half.

But then that a-hole stole my design.

And I'll be hot-damned if they finish that thing and give that charlatan credit.

So, this whole thing is all about recognition?

I want my name remembered. Is that wrong?

No, but come on, look at what you're doing.

What am I doing?

You're holding up something that could help like a ton of people.

Something that you created.

You just said you have the interest of the commuter at heart, but these are the people who are suffering.

You know, I mean, these are like poor, tortured souls that have no one else to turn to.

They have no one else that can help them.

Yeah... but I-I...

I still want the recognition.

Are you serious? After that whole speech?

I want credit for my design.

You're asking me to rewrite history, okay.

I can't do that.

Sue: Wait, we can do that.

We can rewrite history.

I used to do it for Camomile all the time.

It's called Wikipedia and all we need is Internet access.

Bless wicked-pedia.

I have no idea what Internet access means.

That should be it.

That's it?

That's it?

Daniel L. Turner is all over the subway entries now.

All I gotta do is click submit.

Do it.

(Sue claps)

Aw, damn! What?

Ain't no signal.

Up, hey, hold on, Roof.

Careful there. Ah, my legs, my legs.

I gotcha. I know, I gotta squeeze tight.

Two bar, one bar, two bar. He's got two bars.

Submit.

Ha ha, I don't know what just happened there, but I liked that tremendously.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, I am so sorry I destroyed you by accident.

It's okay.

Hey, guys, I know this is a long sh*t, but if you happen to talk to the mayor, could you ask him to name the subway line the T?

As in Turner?

Sure, you got it man.

That's him leaving?

That's him leaving.

Oh, man. Thank you, Roofie. Thanks, man.

So, what, this means you're back in the game, right?

Kevin: Yeah.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, kinda sucks you didn't get credit for clearing the subway line.

I'm looking at Camomile's Wikipedia page, it says Camomile White was the one.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me.

So uh, you want me to make a Wikipedia page about you?

Uh... nah. I'm good.

Well, I'm gonna do one anyways.

(Dramatic theme playing)

Male reporter (On TV): Second Avenue construction resumed today without a hitch, thanks to the exorcism performed by Camomile White.

According to our source, Wikipedia, she also had considerable behind-the-scenes help from a colleague, relatively unknown medium, Kevin Pacalioglu.

Fitz!

What have I told you about using my makeup?

I have an audition.

Oh, jeez!

He's trying to take me down!

It's recurring.

He's coming for me.

Make this work.

Who, who? Calm down.

Calm down, let me see. What are you talking for?

I need you to play the video recorder.

Oh, way, no, no, no. Looks like someone's...

Ooh, something chewed there.

No. No. No.

No, Fitz, these need to go back in there.

Put them back in the camera.

Look, it's not... you can't... you need to reconnect this.

Put them back in there. I need this to play.

I need you to take a deep breath.

Camomile: I need this to be able to play.

(Arguing continues)

(Murmuring)

(Exhales)

Okay, here it is.

The east river.

Sue: It's perfect.

Kevin, what's it like in the light?

I don't know.

Once I go, I can't come back, right?

No.

(Melancholy theme playing)

I'll miss you.

Samesies.

(Exhaling): Okay.

What happened?

I don't know.

It didn't work.

Yeah, it's okay, it's okay.

Don't worry, it happens to lots of ghosts.

Maybe, your unfinished business is something else?

We'll figure it out. I'll help you, everyday.

No matter how long it takes.

Really?

Yeah.

And maybe you can move into my apartment, or whatever.

Just-just until you find somewhere to haunt.

Okay.

All right.

(Sighs)

(Upbeat theme playing)

♪ It's a toast it's a toast ♪
♪ When all your friends are ghosts ♪
♪ Now you got nothing left at all ♪
♪ It's a ghost it's a ghost ♪
♪ But you still got your clothes ♪
♪ Looking up no place left to park ♪
♪ Ah, for the coast for the coast ♪
♪ A sea for you to swim ♪
♪ Well that sea life let it decorate your skin ♪