02x02 - I'm So Bad

[bunniefuu]

Young woman: Mom, my friends are here.

And they're hungry.

What else is new? [Laughs]

Sure, they're not little kids anymore, but they still want a snack that's fun.

That's why they're not getting regular old chicken fingers.

They're getting...

Finger Blasted!

Announcer: Introducing Finger Blasters!

Blast your fingers Into our unique sauce containers, filled with honey, tangy barbecue, or salt and vinegar.

Finger Blasting is the best.

Finger Blasting is the perfect thing to hold them over until they're ready to move on to something more serious, like dinner.

Try one finger at a time.

Yum!

Two fingers.

Mm, okay!

And then, If everybody's cool with it, work up to three!

No. Two is good.

For now.

I'll take what I can get.

Finger Blasting Is fun with friends.

But if my friends aren't around, I'll just Finger Blast myself!

"Noice"!

Don't be a food prude!

Surprise the crew by dipping Into two sauces at once.

Whoa. That's a shocker.

Let's be real. They're teens.

They're gonna be snacking.

I feel safe knowing it's under my roof rather than behind some movie theater or in the woods.

So get a general sense of what your kids are putting in their bodies and help them...

Get Finger Blasted!

Finger Blasters, from the makers of Circle Jerky.

A lot of the women's magazines, they're supposed to, like, be confidence building, but they really just scare the sh*t out of you so you buy the products in them.

Like, they all will put Jessica Alba or somebody like that on the cover.

And she's super sexualized.

No matter what magazine, her hair is soaking wet, and her nipples are hard, and she's, like, making a d*ck-sucking face.

She's like, "Unnnh!"

And you're like, "Good Housekeeping?"

Like what does this even...

[Laughter]

But they're smart.

What they're doing is saying, "Look at Jessica Alba.

You don't look like that.

You're f*cking disgusting.

You're over 30, your p*ssy is a pile of garbage.

But buy this lip gloss."

And you're like, "Okay!

Will this fix it?

Will this fix my garbage p*ssy?"

[Laughter]

Like, no!

They give you advice like, "Be Asian."

You're like, "I can't!"

[Laughter]

I would love to be Asian.

I've tried.

And they give you these sex tips.

We did a scene on our first season...

Did you guys see the "sex tips" scene, right?

It's always stuff like, "What He's Not Telling You He Wants."

And it's sh*t he doesn't want.

It's like, "Tickle his taint with your nose."

No!

Nope.

Sorry.

I'm super busy. Sorry.

[Whispering] "Do it!

Surprise him.

Wear his favorite tie and fist him."

Are you sure?

[Laughter]

Here we go.

Whoa.

Yeah, yeah. No, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no.

Man: Yeah, yeah. No, no, no!

Oh!

Announcer: Mission failed.

You suck.

Oh, you were so close.

That was close.

Okay, I want to try. What do I need to know?

Yeah, okay, well, just let me switch my character 'cause you will ruin my rating.

There we go.

Not gonna ruin your rating.

Now, it's just like Call of Duty except the gameplay is way more realistic, so...

Amy: Oh, cool! I can be a girl.

Yeah. Knock yourself out.

I'm gonna grab us beers.

Oh, she's cute.

Man: Listen up, soldiers.

We've just received Intel that there are Insurgents hiding In that village.

Let's go.

Wait, why am I not moving?

You hang back, private.

What...

[Dramatic music playing]

[Controller clicking]

Wait, what... What the sh*t? No.

[Sighs]

No...

[Laughs] What are you doing hanging out in the barracks all by yourself, lazy?

No, I... I think...

I think my character was just r*ped.

No.

No, no, no, no.

Yeah.

That's never happened to me.

You must have pressed the wrong button.

That's not part of the game.

Ted, trust me, it happened.

No.

Announcer: You were just assaulted by a fellow soldier.

Do you wish to report?

Yeah.

Weird!

Uh-huh. What is this?

You know what? Let me go check the message boards.

Yes, I wish to report it.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Did you know he has a family?

No.

Does that change your mind about reporting?

No!

What?

Level 25 unlocked.

My God.

It's just like a ton of paperwork.

[Music continues]

Okay.

This is great.

Have you seen this picture of the big, fat Japanese baby?

You're supposed to be checking the message boards.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you got to see that picture later.

Paperwork complete.

Welcome to the Pentagon, soldier.

Good luck!

Ooh, the Pentagon.

Watch out, they're attacking your character.

There isn't even anyone around me.

What were you wearing?

Be a team player.

Occupational hazard!

You got to go along to get along.

Announcer: Character assassinatlon complete.

Attention, soldier...

Your attacker was found guilty In a m*llitary court.

Yes! Finally, thank you.

But his commanding officer chose to reject that decision, so he Is now back on active duty.

What?! They can do that?

What the f*ck is this game?

f*ck your f*cking stupid m*llitary bullshit!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, language, language.

Be a lady.

This is insane.

Why would anyone want to play this?

Lookit... I checked the message boards, and it doesn't say anything, so obviously you did something wrong.

It's probably best you don't play.

Okay?

[Dramatic music plays]

There we go.

[Imitating g*nf*re]

Why are you making that noise?

It helps. [Imitates g*nf*re]

Anyway, I've had that nightmare every night since 1988.

You're so lucky your dad's dead.

You're telling me.

You guys, I didn't know my food came with fries.

I am not eating them.

I have had fries like three times this week.

I'm so bad.

You can afford it.

I know.

Who cares?

I ate like three cans of Pringles yesterday.

Once you pop, they're not joking.

I'm so bad.

Those are like air.

They're literally air.

You don't look fat at all.

No, I was cyberbullying my niece on Instagram the other day, and I literally ate 15 mini muffins.

I'm so bad.

They're like pellets. That's nothing.

Amy: Are they big muffins?

No. No, they're mini.

Do you know what "mini" means?

It means smaller than big.

Yesterday, after I knelt on my gerbil to hear what sound it would make, I, like, wasn't thinking...

I ate a ball of mozzarella like it was a peach.

I'm so bad.

You always look great.

No, I think that's, like, negative calories.

Woman: I'm seriously bad.

I can't get out of bed without having a calzone.

The other morning, when that woman walked off the GW bridge, I didn't do anything to help her.

It's because I was chewing my calzone.

I'm so bad.

Are you serious? You're a f*cking saint.

I'm the bad one.

Two weeks ago when I was having...

Well, there's no term for how late term of an abortion this was.

Anyhoo, I literally ate an entire bucket of wings and chased it with a 16-ounce lobster.

I'm like, "Why am I still eating for two?"

I'm so bad.

Wait, I'm really ashamed I just told you guys that I ate like that.

Do you think I'm a monster?

No!

No!

Seafood? It's good for you.

Yeah.

Sorry about your abortion.

I took that guy that I'm dating to the restaurant where he was molested, and he left crying.

And guess who stayed and ate the entire rest of his birthday cake.

Me.

I was like, "That'll do, pig." Oink, oink.

I'm so bad.

You're not bad. You're stick-thin.

Your thigh gap is, like, the envy of every thigh gap.

Last Saturday, after I took a smoke machine to the burn unit to see how they'd react, I ate so much General Tso's they gave me his hat.

It looks insane on me. I'm so bad.

Shut your d*ck off.

You look amazing in hats, and you know this.

My dad says I don't look good in anything.

Can I offer anyone dessert?

Oh. Well...

If I...

Like, just one bite?

...would you...

Share something?

Four forks?

[Women screaming]

Aah! Aah!

My face!

I'm so bad.

I'm so bad.

I'm so... I'm so bad.

I'll have the flan.

When you turn 30, this really cool thing happens where your metabolism goes, "Later, bitch!"

[Laughter]

And you go, "Wait, don't I need you?"

And it goes, "It doesn't matter. Bye-ee!"

And you're like, "Mm, what about all the calories I'm eating?"

"Bye-ee!"

And then you read articles. They're like, "Embrace it."

You're like, "Okay. All right. Okay, cool.

I didn't know I could get cellulite on my face.

Awesome!"

Keeps creeping lower.

I'm like, "Wow, what an adventure!

Being a woman is so rewarding."

All right, my deal.

Follow the queen. Follow her all around.

All right, who's ready for some wings?

Come on, man.

Wow.

Thanks, baby.

There's a queen right there.

You're the best, Mrs. H.

You guys are the best.

You rule, babe.

All right.

Oh, my God.

Dude, she is so great.

I am so lucky.

Speaking of lucky, you know that girl I told you about from my office?

Well, we went out for drinks and then she took me back to her place.

How was it?

Let's just say she's flexible.

Nice.

About butt stuff.

Oh!

Yes!

Nice, dude.

That takes me back...

Takes me back a few weeks ago.

The kids were at their Gran-Gran's, and my wife was so down to f*ck.

I mean, she's like, practically begging me.

So I grab my wife's hair, I bend her over this credenza, right?

I'm like, so deep inside her.

I'm like, "Who's your husband?! Who's your husband?!"

What's the matter with you, man?

What?

That's your wife, man, okay?

That's not cool, okay?

We all went to college with her. We're friends.

It's, like, sick. Sick.

Oh, I thought we were all kind of sharing some stories.

You're a degenerate, man.

All right, all right, anyway.

I had a little incident with that waitress over at Padigan's the other night.

Hot Tracy?

Boom.

How did you do that?

She comes up to me and she's like, "Can you help me carry this box into the office?"

[Chuckles] Yeah, right? What happened next?

"I'll help you move your box."

Ah!

Exactly, right?

[Laughter]

So I go into the office with her, next thing I know, she's pulling on my parking brake like we're at the top of Lombard Street.

Wow, wow, wow.

What about the tits?

As advertised.

Yes, yes!

It's always the best when you don't expect it.

I remember there was this girl in college, and I totally thought she was gonna put me in the friend zone, right?

Well, we're hanging out, all of a sudden, top comes off, she's riding me, I'm rock hard like a hammer.

And I'm like, "I want to marry this woman!"

I can't believe it's been 14 years.

That is so gross, Rob. Why are you doing this?

Nobody tells wife stories. What are you, a psychopath?

Come on, man, she cooks us Christmas dinner every year.

She's Mrs. Christmas to us.

Hope you guys don't mind... I used four different cheeses.

You shouldn't have.

Babe.

God bless you.

You guys good on beers?

Yeah, we're great on beers.

Okay.

You rock, Amy!

These nachos are insane, by the way.

You know what else is insane?

Come on!

We don't want to hear it!

Jesus!

Shut your face.

This is a story about a woman who I am totally not married to, okay?

Go on.

I'm listening.

All right.

Rob: Thank you.

We had just come out of H&R Block, and she's all turned on 'cause we're gonna get, like, a sick return, and she can buy this purse she's been talking about forever, right?

And she wants to bang right in the back of our pre-owned Subaru.

What are you doing, Rob? What are you doing?

We know it's your wife, Rob.

Its just... I feel like vomiting right now.

H&R Block?

You guys, I have to be able to share stories about the woman I love, okay?

I can't help it that she's my wife, okay?

She inspires me. She is my world.

I just thought 'cause you're my friends, I could...

I could share some of our romantic things with you.

All right, man. All right, all right.

Who's ready for the finale?

Oh, man.

Chocolate chip cookies!

That could not have come sooner.

You're the best, Mrs. H.

All right, if nobody needs anything else, honey, I'm gonna head upstairs, start lubing up so you can blast my dirtbox with your thumb while you lobster-hand me in the twat, okay?

Seriously, I want you to thumb-bash that mud pit till I make a pig noise.

And then you can sh*t on my tits while I call my mom.

Mwah.

Okay. You guys are always welcome here.

I guess I should eat up. I got to sh*t on those tits.

What's a sex story about your wife that you told recently?

Probably that she just wants sex more than I do, and I feel really lame about that.

If it were up to your wife, how many times a week do you think you'd have sex?

Probably like four to five.

And what do you do?

One, two.

I wonder if she's at home right now just...

Probably with some other dude.

Probably.

I got to get going.

Yeah, like, I would say maybe head out.

This seems bad.

It's not amazing.

Why would PETA use this sh*t?

This wasn't even during the photo sh**t.

This was taken during my peanut-butter break.

You're the one who wanted to pose naked and pretend it was for a good cause so you wouldn't look like a whore, even though that's secretly why everybody does it.

Can you fix it?

Of course.

It's my job.

What about doing some appearances for Operation Smile?

What is that?

The organization that fixes cleft palates.

No, I really don't want to deal with paint.

Ugh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait.

What about pity-f*cking a prom loser?

Yes! That's it, right?

All the hot celebrities are doing that now.

Yeah, I don't think any of them are actually having sex with the teenagers, but I don't think that going to prom is a terrible idea.

Did a student ask you?

No. Not yet.

But I bet if I just Google it, he's out there somewhere.

Yeah.

You just make sure the press is there.

Oh, I will. Okay.

[Laughs]

Will you bring this with you?

Sure.

Unless you think it's okay.

I... I don't.

Okay.

Prom.

God. Ugh.

Who do we have here?

That's why, If you're watching this, I really hope you agree to come to prom with me.

I promise we'll have a really great time.

Please say yes.

Love, Lucas.

You just got yourself a prom date, buddy.

[Rock music plays]

Wait, he's still in high school.

Well, I hope this kid's ready to eat a ton of p*ssy.

Wait here until after the dance, Montgomery.

Yes, ma'am!

[Kelis' "Milkshake" plays]

♪ My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard ♪
♪ And they're like, it's better than yours ♪
♪ Damn right, it's better than yours ♪
♪ I can teach you, but I have to charge ♪
♪ My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard ♪
♪ And they're like, it's better than yours ♪
♪ Damn right, it's better than yours ♪
♪ I can teach you ♪

[Rock music playing]

Excuse me, ma'am, the Al-Anon meeting is on Sunday.

No, you silly hooker, I'm here for the prom!

Luh-Luh-Luh-Luh-Lucas!

Hi!

Hi. Do I know you?

I'm your celebrity prom date.

I'm Amy Schumer.

Surprised?

Uh, I've never heard of you.

You know, "When's lunch?!"

Uh, this is my girlfriend, Madison.

Girlfriend?

What about your YouTube video?

Oh, you mean the one where I asked Madison to prom?

Did you even watch the whole thing?

Is anybody f*cking talking to you, Madison?

This is none of your business.

You seriously need to back off right now.

Excuse me, this is my business.

Oh, really? You know what?

You're ruining the best night of Lucas' short life, okay?

Whatever, Joy Behar.

What?!

Get off of...

You get off!

This is... Ow!

Oh, my God, you k*lled him!

[Indistinct shouting]

My God!

Lucas: I'm a cr*pple!

You give it back! I brought that!

Out of my way!

These are the best years of your lives because you're f*cking losers!

You think you could follow Tosh?

You can't. I was in Variety's Top 10 Comics to Watch, 2009!

Montgomery, I'm riding up front!

Whatever you say, Mrs. S!

Oh, my God.

My arms look so skinny.

They do.

They really do.

[Sighs]

Who would you have brought to prom if you could have?

Like, any celebrity.

I love Liz Phair, which makes me sound super old.

No, not old. Maybe not straight, but...

So, Mandy, you're a sex columnist.

Yep.

So when you come up with sex tips, is there a formula?

Is it, like, combine an object with an action?

Well, I think that's the old myth, is that, like, you just look around the room and you say, like, well, you put potato chips in a cup and then...

Put your d*ck in it.

Throw the d*ck in there.

It's always like, "Then throw the d*ck in there."

How many of your suggestions have you actually used yourself?

I wrote something about putting lipstick and, like, circling the parts that you wanted attention to, you know?

Mine would just look like... like wax lips around my clit.

I've used, like, an Altoid for, like, oral sex before.

And that actually is...

That works?

Mm-hmm.

You've never had somebody do that with you, though, right?

No, yeah, I don't really like that that much.

A guy going down on you?

Not so much.

Why?

Do you?

Yeah!

It just feels very intimate.

Right. It's the most intimate.

You don't like a guy going down on you?

I mean, if they're good at it.

They have to be short.

Like, short guys are really good at oral sex.

They are?

That's, like, science.

You kind of go in the trenches for your stories, I would say.

So, what is the course you're taking this week?

It's a form of meditation that involves people rubbing your clitoris until you come.

Now, I know that I feel like we don't hang out enough.

[Laughs]

You found a male prost*tute in Reno?

Oh, yeah, he was the first legal male prost*tute.

How big was his penis? Tell me when to stop.

I just tried to...

Maybe a little... About...

Okay, okay. Good for him.

I gave him, like, a half-hearted hand job.

That's very sweet.

Like, who's giving out these hand jobs? 'Cause, like...

I've had a guy that really liked handies.

He was great. He was the hottest guy I've ever been with.

Wow.

So you were just like...

I was like, "Whatever."

♪ Dah-dah dah dah-dah ♪

Yeah.

That's nice.

I seriously haven't given a hand job to completion since, like, elementary school.

Yeah, it's a little immature.

What's your job?

Hi!

[Laughter]

Everyone hug the person next to you.

[Laughter]

Vaginal meshes.

What's a... What's a... What's a vaginal mesh?

It's just, like, when your vag*na gets all messed up and then we get a mesh in there and fix it.

Damn!

[Laughter]

My last egg just ran for the hills.

No, thanks.

I'm Amy Schumer. You know, "When's lunch?!"

[Laughing] Okay. I've never heard of you.

This is my girlfriend, Madison.

Luh-Luh-Luh-Lucas! Hi!

Hi. Do I know you?

[Laughs]

I get you more than her!

Madison: Get away from us!

Let's go!

[Laughing] I'm okay. I'm okay.

Good morning, New York.