02x04 - Boner Doctor

[bunniefuu]

Ask your doctor: if you're healthy enough for sexual activity.

If you have an erection lasting longer than four hours, call me!

Hi, I'm Amy Schumer, and you can buy lab coats on eBay.

An erection that won't go away is considered a medical emergency, but in my book, it's more of a medical opportunity.

Here in my state-of-the-art facility, you and I will handle the situation together.

How much does it cost?

Free.

No insurance? Me neither.

Never have. Probably never will.

Medically-induced erections are nothing to be ashamed of.

You should be proud and more importantly, you should be on your way over here.

If I can't wrestle that gator down, no doctor will be able to.

So please, for your health, call the emergency number on your screen right now.

It's my number.

(phone ringing) Oh.

Hi, this is Amy.

Yes, I'm avail-- Oh, it already went down?

Just from hearing my voice?

You sure?

Well, thank you for cal-- Hello?

Okay, that was a wrong number.

You can call me literally any time, 24 hours, seven days a week.

I'm available at midnight on New Year's, for the last three years.

I was just staying at a W. You know that chain?

Right, the W?

Can you believe how preten-- Just to call yourself that.

Like, "We're just gonna be a letter.

"It's just--

"Should we shorten it? Should we just be the Dub?

"I don't know.

(laughter)

I don't want rich people to have to talk too long."

So I was staying in a W in Miami.

I always forget not to go back there.

I went with my sister for a vacation 'cause we're so stupid.

We got down there and we saw the other women walking by the ocean.

We were like, "Oh.

We're not making out with (bleep)."

The staff at the hotel saw us clock them and they were just like, "Do you want a drink?"

I was like, "I want a burqa. Cover me."

I was like, "What are those?"

They were like, "Those are women."

I was like, "What are we?"

(laughter)

They're like, "We don't know."

♪♪

Welcome to the U.

I would love so much to help you today.

I'm checking in.

That would be my great pleasure.

May I offer you a kumquat and elderflower julep?

Yeah. Thank you.

No, thank you, really.

This is a lot nicer than the hotels I usually stay at.

I'm just in town for work for the night.

Oh, I'm so happy you felt comfortable enough to share that with me.

What name would the reservation be under?

Amy Schumer.

Of course. Perfect.

My parents almost named me Amy, but I didn't deserve it.

(gasps) You picked a great weekend to be here.

Willow Nolte is guest dee-jaying in the lobby tonight.

Nick Nolte's stepdaughter.

Wow.

Here's your room key.

Check-out is at 11:00, and now I'll show you to your room.

You're an angel and it's my great honor to breathe the same air as you.

Now, this is Soak, our pool experience.

Over here, we have Splay, our lounge area.

Oh, no.

Oh, I would have had more of that.

And right here is Soar, which will take us to your room.

Oh, I love your shoes.

Everything about you is just so on point.

Thank you.

I love rolling this bag around.

'Cause it's yours.

Welcome home.

This is huge.

You could fit three people in here.

This is too fancy for me.

No, don't say that. No.

This is all about you.

You deserve this.

You make Kate Middleton look like a mental patient (bleep) herself in a rusty wheelchair.

Right this way.

All of our water is pumped in from virginal koi ponds where two beautiful swans are making love for the first time.

Our ceramic sustainable infinity toilet has an orgasm every time you flush.

(toilet) Oh, yes!

I never have to fake it with you, Amy.

You look radiant.

Take a look at yourself in the mirror.

See what I see.

Wait, why is it--

Why aren't you in the mirror?

Oh, it doesn't reflect the staff.

We're nothing. I'm (bleep).

Look at me running my mouth off like a stupid dumb bitch.

Anyway, you must be exhausted.

I'll leave you alone.

Okay.

♪♪

(sighs)

Hello, angel.

Oh, my God.

Can I tuck you in?

Uh, you don't have to--

Oh, I want to.

Oh.

Now, would you like to be awakened by a soft kiss on the cheek or a stranger going down on you?

Oh, I don't kn-- know.

I guess the latter?

Okay, we can just feel it out in the moment then.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

Anything?

Um, well, I hate to ask, but I usually sleep with a white noise machine--

Shh...

I really prefer--

Whale noises?

That's my specialty.

(imitates whale)

We have standards, guys. What do we serve stuff in?

Glassware, correct?

Wouldn't it be better to serve--

No red cups, come on!

(knock on door)

(woman) Housekeeping.

I'll be out in a minute!

Chop, chop!

(man on TV) So what's going on in the bar right now?

Are they out of glassware?

(sighs) Good morning.

Late check-out?

Is it?

It's after 11:00.

I'm going to have to charge you for another day.

It's like five after.

Should I just leave that all on the Visa?

It's me.

All on the Visa, ma'am?

Yeah, I guess--

This woman is no longer a guest at the hotel.

She's done. She's done talking to you.

This way, ma'am. She's done.

Oh, no, no, I think she just didn't recognize me.

Wait, let me just...

Hi, I'm checking in.

Ooh, I love that scarf.

Is that Egyptian silk?

Everything about you is just so on point.

Wait, it's me! It's me!

Please!

♪♪

I go to the front desk at the Dub and, of course, the girl working there is just like gorgeous, just this fiery Latina.

Amazing.

Just like tan Khalessi.

You know, just, just skinny.

She looked like this with perfect tits.

Just-- they were so high.

She's like resting her chin on them.

She's like, "Mmm..."

She's like, "This is why I can't read."

Like struggling with her own titties.

(laughter)

She was so hot.

She was like, "Can I help you?

Mmm..."

Like only Latina chicks can do that, right?

Like they're so sexy.

It always sounds like they're waking up from like a grumpy nap, you know?

Just, "Mmm.

"I'm mad, I don't know why.

Mmm."

So hot, right?

Everything they say, it sounds like they're (bleep).

It doesn't matter how mundane.

It could be like, "I have to go to the Laundromat."

You're like, "Oh, my God, are you (bleep), talking about your dirty clothes right now?"

Can you imagine if I tried to do that as a white chick?

(high voice) "Where's the Laundromat?"

Ew!

You white monster, shut up!

(laughter)

♪♪

This is gonna be good.

Do we really have to do this?

Yes, we're not communicating.

We need help.

We're not communicating?

Yeah, we're not communicating.

I don't even know what you're saying right now.

(door opens)

Hello.

Hi, I'm Chrissy Teigen.

I'm so sorry about the wait.

Come on in. Thank you so much for seeing us.

No problem.

It's gonna be fine.

So let's get started.

First of all, how long have you two been together?

Four years. Well, we had a good run, if that's what you mean.

Well, I think it's great you guys are both here.

It shows that this relationship is something that's important to the both of you.

I'm sorry, aren't you a model?

She's a supermodel.

You sound like a real ass(bleep) right now.

I actually was a model, but now I'm a clinical social worker and I really love it.

You know, I'm really enjoying this now and I mean, who wants to ride a horse naked for the camera all the time?

I'd rather just do that on my own.

And as you know, modeling is great, but you hit 27 and suddenly, you're old.

Oh, that's not old.

Amy's 37.

I'm 32.

Yeah, but you're a drinker.

All right, so let's talk about what brought you two here.

I'll start.

Um...

You know, when, when Amy gets jealous, I get really frustrated.

So I have to like, you know, go to the gym and then I gotta sweat it out.

Just... (growls)

And Amy?

Well, I, I feel like he's cheating on me.

You just need to learn to believe that I'm not.

Uh, well, these sound like two very conflicting perspectives, obviously--

Can you put your glasses back on, please?

Of course.

Thank you.

No, no.

No, no, no.

No, don't do that.

Okay, uh, well, he never has sex with me, like at all.

It's because I don't want to.

And Amy, how does that make you feel?

That makes me feel unattractive, Chrissy Teigen.

You know what, Kevin, maintaining self-esteem for a woman can be really difficult.

I think we all feel a little bit ugly sometimes.

All right, I want to try a role play.

I'm going to be Amy.

Kevin, I'd like you to say to me all the things that you'd like to do to Amy in bed.

Okay--

No.

I don't think that's a good idea for us--

First, I want to kiss you for hours.

And then I want to run my fingers through your long, dark hair.

And then I wanna drive you crazy by licking you in places no other man, including John Legend, has ever touched before.

All right, why don't you now say those things directly to Amy?

It's okay.

I think she got it.

I don't think this is helping at all.

So it's agreed. We're on a break.

You know what I like to do sometimes is kind of finish off the session with just one of you.

I think that would be the smartest deal here.

Okay, yeah.

Amy, you'll take a Citi Bike home, right?

I've never even used a Citi Bike.

It's really easy. You just use a credit card.

Actually, Kevin, I think it's best if I finish with Amy, but, um, you know what?

My business cards are still being made.

But all my information is on this for you.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

We have a calendar--

Wow, this has everything.

I will put this to use.

Great, and then I will see you Monday.

Monday.

Perfect. I will see you then.

Monday.

See you at home.

See you.

Girl, don't blow this, girl.

What?

That man out there is a total catch.

You need to lock it down.

Really? (phone chimes)

Oh, gross. It's a d*ck.

It's Kevin.

♪♪

So I walk up to the desk and she's like, "I'm Jordana."

Of course that's your name.

What a hot name, right?

My name's Amy Schumer, just...

(laughter)

Ew.

I sound like everyone's lesbian aunt, you know?

And not even the fun one.

The one you hope doesn't come to Thanksgiving 'cause she always brings her "friend" Terri, right?

(laughter)

And you have to make small talk like, "So, Terri, how's bird-feeding going?

I don't know."

She's like, "Good, they've been eating a lot.

(laughter and applause)

Just put it out there, they eat it, I don't know."

♪♪

Hi.

Hi.

Welcome to New Body.

Thank you.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I just started working out this morning, so I need a little revamp on my wardrobe for the new body I'm about to have.

Oh, my God, fabulous. What's your fitness plan?

Well, I switched to Diet Snapple and I bought a tiny house trampoline.

So, you know, a change a-gonna come.

What size are you now?

I'm a 4 at Old Navy.

Okay, so an 8.

Yeah.

And what size are you thinking your new body's gonna be?

Uh, I'm definitely gonna be a size 2.

Congratulations. That's such a great size.

Thanks.

And is there any special occasion you're preparing for?

Yeah, I've been catfishing a guy in Michigan and sending him pictures of Kate Bosworth and saying that they're me, and we're supposed to meet up in two weeks.

I love everything about that plan. Same.

Why don't we walk over here to the "five months from now" section?

Okay.

Come on.

Oh, my God, I love this.

But it's a size 0.

That's a size smaller than I was thinking my new body would be.

But it's so cute.

Isn't it so cute?

Doesn't it make you want to k*ll yourself?

Yes!

All right, listen to me.

If I were you, I would just make my delusional diet a little more unachievable.

Then it will hang on you.

Okay, why not?

Why not?

Do you have a place where I can sit and eat this muffin?

Oh, sure, right over there.

How's it going in there?

Be honest.

Honestly, I love this for future you.

You need to wear this when all your lies are exposed in Michigan.

That's what I was thinking.

The best part about it is it's so easy.

So easy.

Also, is there a place I can sit and eat this other muffin?

It's my cheat day.

Oh, yeah, right where you had the first one.

Thanks.

Amazing.

Um, this was unrealistic.

No returns!

♪♪

(Spanish accent) "Jordana."

I was like, "Where's the gym?"

She was like, "Do you mean Sweat?"

I was like, "Sweat? No, where's your gym?"

But it was the W, so they use all these minimalist names for things.

So she's like, "Well, we call our gym Sweat.

'Cause that's what you do there."

I was like, "Oh, that makes sense."

So I was like, "Well, where is (bleep)?

"Um...

(laughter)

"Is there a (bleep) on this floor, or...

(laughter)

"...are we permitted to do that in Sweat?

Um..."

♪♪

(Amy) Whoa, save some for the fish!

You're watching "Gym Bummers."

♪♪

Welcome to Sports Central's "Gym Bummers," the show about things people do at the gym that bum everyone out.

Let's kick off the show with this week's highlights.

(Amy) Our first Gym Bummer comes to us from the Scrunch gym in Montclair, New Jersey.

Here comes supplement-pushing, unsolicited advice guy.

Doing the double tap.

Here we go, having him take out his headphones, about to land and...

You're doing it wrong.

(Amy) Boom!

Avert your eyes, folks.

It's the co-dependent couple working out together.

(man) Hey, why molest each other in the comfort of your own home when you can do it in full view of everyone?

We understand that shoulder presses are part of your foreplay, but if we wanted to watch, we'd find your YouPorn channel.

(alarm sounds) Oh, you know what that sound means.

It's time for the lightning round.

Code red, code red.

Indian guy working out in jeans.

Just gonna take a sh*t in the dark here.

I don't think this gentleman's gonna shower after this gym visit.

Woman who dresses like Mr. Mistoffelees from the musical "Cats."

Guy who picks the treadmill right next to you when there's plenty available and runs sideways facing you.

Man, I don't think it's true that poodles are the smartest.

He's got nothing to say but wants everyone to hear it.

That's a rare double bummer.

It's the classic grunt and drop.

(roaring)

Yeah!

Ugh.

Easy, Drago.

No one's invading your village.

And that's the end of the lightning round.

Whew, well, now it's time for Bummer of the Week.

A fully-dressed couple who just checked into a hotel are surveying the gym.

They didn't even bring gym clothes.

"Yeah, wow, honey.

There are a lot of towels in here."

Stop lying to yourselves. You're never gonna use it.

You're never gonna use it!

And that's all the time we have.

Tune in next week for "Gym Bummers: Locker Room Edition," where a naked old guy with a hanging scrotum blow-dries his hair for 90 minutes.

See you then.

Jed, you were a weed delivery boy.

I was.

How long were you delivering dr*gs for?

Uh, for like a year.

What's the statute of limitations?

Like should I be talking about this right now?

Right?

I don't know.

Oh, my God.

Good luck to both of us.

Thank you.

I will get you out.

I just signed something that said you wouldn't.

Well, (bleep) you then. No, just kidding.

Okay, so how did you get into the biz?

A friend of mine was doing it and then he quit and let me take his place.

A position opened up.

Yeah.

Was the person interviewing you scary as (bleep)?

He wasn't.

He was really excited that I had a bike, I owned a backpack, and that I was white.

(laughs) Who wouldn't be?

What a great combo.

And he was like, "Oh, my God, I'm so psyched you're white."

And you were like, "Me, too."

I think that you smell great, but why do so many drug delivery guys smell like (bleep)?

Maybe 'cause of the sweat and the running around and riding their bike through New York City streets.

I ran over a cup once and piss came out of it onto me, and so that probably happens a lot.

Tell me about that.

I just saw a cup in the middle of the street, standing up, while I was riding my bike so I ran over it and it just showered my body with piss.

Oh, sorry. (laughs)

I'm sorry, 'cause that's not funny, but that's really making me laugh.

Did you ever deliver to any celebrities?

No.

Really?

Really?

Really?

No.

No?

No.

No?

No.

No?

No.

No?

No.

No?

No.

No?

No.

No?

Okay.

What would be your ideal thing?

I'm a cartoonist and a freelance illustrator, mostly.

What cartoons?

Recently, I'm working on one about when I used to be a weed delivery boy.

Oh, nice. What's it called?

Uh, it's called "Weed Delivery Boy."

Bam.

I know. So far.

Simple, clear, you.

♪♪

Never again, Miami.

But from Miami, I went to Tennessee and there, I'm Jordana, okay?

Yeah.

(cheers and applause) Feel it.

People are like, "What are those?"

I was like, "Teeth. Hi."

(laughter)

They were like, "How'd you do that?"

I was like, "A razor."

♪♪

Sorry, I was just thinking about you.

(laughs)

(dance music playing)

What's this song called?

(dance music continues)

Did you press the button or...? Sorry.

(woman) So easy.

(man) Mmm, magic.