02x07 - Slow Your Roll

[bunniefuu]

Anything you could do in here would be awesome.

I can't believe I can afford an interior designer.

This is all very new for me.

Well, the space is fabulous.

Yeah?

Yeah.

In here, I'm thinking we do a classic hand-woven Belgian rug and then rich fabrics, sconces, tote linens.

Sconces-- Oh, my God.

Yeah, we could even do a brushed cotton twill window treatment.

Very elegant.

This place needs to feel like your sanctuary.

Totally.

This all sounds great.

Okay-- So we've got the entry, the living room and the bedroom and what are we thinking for the (bleep)?

Excuse me?

Because for the (bleep), we could continue the sort of timeless ambience of the living room or try something new.

Maybe go for a more regal feel in the (bleep).

The bathroom is fine as is.

The (bleep) is fine?

That room's all set.

I'm sorry, I missed that-- That room?

Are we talking living room, bedroom or (bleep)?

The last one-- Let's move on.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We can get back to it.

Okay, thanks.

Can I ask you something crazy?

Mm-hmm.

Would you ever do a suede chaise lounge?

Oh, that sounds really expensive.

I've got news for you-- It's not... and you can dump the savings straight into your new fudge ****.

You know, your turdbank.

I'd rather not.

Look, a beautiful corn silo is gonna be a great investment.

Remember, this is the room where you spend 80% of your day.

That doesn't seem accurate.

Close your eyes.

Hey-- Close them.

Imagine coming home.

You plop down on your gorgeous porcelain dook throne, drop a ton of heat, and then slip into the tub to clean your filthy balloon knot.

That actually does sound kind of perfect.

Right?

You know what-- Let's do it.

Yeah, I'm completely on board.

Will you just excuse me one minute?

I just have to pee real fast.

Pee? (gagging)

I'll still take it.

Okay.

People ask me about my weight.

They're like, "Amy, how do you keep it right at disappointing?"

And I say...

"Well, Mom, that's a fair...

That's a fair question."

Now, what I really do, I've done this for a while now, is I tell people I'm doing low-carb and then I don't do that.

And still feel entitled to results.

Is anyone else on my plan?

(cheering and applauding)

♪♪

Amy?

Hi, I'm Cheryl Oberwood, nutritionist to the stars.

Thank you so much for meeting with me!

Phylicia Rashad has said the nicest stuff about you.

She looks incredible, right?

She's 90.

Wow!

Okay, I'm just gonna dive right in.

I can tell by looking you're not the least you can be.

Yeah, no, I'm not.

Well, we're gonna change that.

So what are your fitness goals?

Well, my goal weight--

I don't work in weight.

I work in celebrities.

Which celebrity would you like to be the same as?

I would say Christian Bale.

"Machinist", "Metroland"?

"Newsies"?

I think "The Fighter".

Okay, now, walk me through what you eat in a typical day.

All right.

In the morning, usually I'll have, like, some yogurt with some granola and then at lunch, some salad.

Okay-- Let me ask you a question.

Yeah.

Have you always been a (bleep) trash heap?

Excuse me?

I'm gonna find you the perfect diet.

You're gonna stick to that diet and you're gonna become the perfect woman.

Okay, option one: The Instagram Diet.

That's where you order whatever you want, take a picture of it, post it, throw it in the garbage.

Tweet it, don't eat it.

I don't want to do that one.

Option two, the Beyoncé Diet.

You find out what Beyoncé eats and you tell me all about it.

I don't know her.

Option three: The Chilean Miners Diet.

Wow-- they're so svelte.

Have you thought about doing a cleanse?

What kind?

The kind where you eat anything and everything as long as you don't swallow?

That's just anorexia.

Do you want a third season of your show?

I do.

Okay.

The Tape Warm Experience.

Colonic Blastoff.

Um...

Cambodian Holiday.

Get Motivated.

Oh, what. What's that one?

That's where you are arrested without due process.

I don't think so.

Everest Drop, The Great Depression.

Kentucky Meth Cycle.

Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad.

No?

Tammy from "The Real World", Season Two, Wired Jaw.

Who are your clients again?

Well, have you ever seen the movie, um, every (bleep) movie?

I work with everyone. (knocking)

Come in.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Angel face!

Amy, this is McClarty-- She's the new Bond girl.

Wow-- What diet did she do?

I just smoke.

Tight-- I'll do that.

♪♪

What do you look like naked?

Awesome.

I work out, you know?

You're ready.

My ass is. How old are you?

23.

Can I just please be real with you and tell you that--

Yeah.

It only gets worse.

Enjoy your ass immediately.

My ass, at this point.

Have you ever had a burger from McDonalds?

No, I'm a vegetarian, but I've seen one.

Oh, okay-- Well, that.

(laughing)

Look at this crew.

Raise your hand if you think that she's (bleep) so hot and you'd love to bang her.

Raise your-- Raise your hand.

Okay?

Just so you know.

Okay, now. Now raise your hand.

Raise your hand if you want this.

See that: nobody.

(inaudible) But Matt, you would (bleep) anybody.

That doesn't count.

♪♪

There was a "Real World: Boston".

But they should just do a "Real World: Massachusetts".

Sure.

(groaning)

I'm gonna head to class.

Oh...

I can't believe you're still in school.

It makes me feel like such a cougar.

I'm not still in school.

I'm studying for my PhD.

I'm, uh-- I'm actually older than you.

For now.

Okay.

Um...

Can you grab my psych textbook?

It's right there on the table.

Oh, yeah, sure-- this one?

Oh.

Okay.

Sorry.

Excuse me?

What's wrong?

Um, why do you have all these pictures of my mother's vag*na?

The ink blots?

The ink pictures of my mother's vag*na.

Um, yeah, I don't think those are--

Here's my mom's vag*na before she was pregnant with me.

This is my mom's vag*na when she didn't want to teach me how to ride a bike.

Jesus, the detail.

Where do you see a bike in that?

I mean, these are... These are for my class.

Yeah, your class-- Well, what class is that, Drew?

The Draw Pictures Of Your Girlfriend's Mother's vag*na class?

Seems like you're acing it!

Um, first of all, I think "girlfriend" is a strong term for us at this point.

Here's my mother's vag*na when she was my age.

Here's my mom's vag*na when I came home drunk from college I got in a fight with her and I accused her of stealing my style, Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I feel so guilty about that.

Sit down, sit down.

Why did I do that?

Amy, did you actually see your mother's vag*na in these scenarios?

You're not a doctor yet, okay?

Slow your roll, ass (bleep).

Okay.

God, you're so sick.

I've only known you for three weeks.

Well, that's what I was saying about the "girlfriend" thing.

And how can possibly identify your mother's vag*na?

You mean how did I identify the origin of my whole (bleep) life?

You're a freak, Drew-- You're a sick freak!

I didn't draw those.

Well, then who did, my mom?

Did she keep a vag*na diary with a fountain pen?

Uh, maybe, did she?

Did you?

No!

It doesn't make any sense!

These are ink blots!

That you see whatever you want in them!

Well, then what do you see?

So, that's like, a cloud.

And what about this one?

That's like a bear.

Yeah.

And this one?

Well, that one does look like a vag*na.

Oh, yeah, I drew this earlier.

Jesus, Amy, every day with you.

You didn't say not to draw on your stuff.

♪♪

What do you see?

Um, that's a guy coming after me.

Oh, man!

That got dark real fast.

He has two knives.

What's this?

Frog. Definitely frog.

Yeah, that does look like--

That's almost just a picture of a frog.

Yes.

These ink blots are bull (bleep).

Let's see... This one is hard.

This one is easy.

Oh, that's actually a picture of me naked.

(laughing) What do you see here?

A spider.

What do you see here?

A spider.

(laughing) What's up with you and spiders?

What is this?

Uh, a butterfly?

Or no, a spaceship. Like an asteroid-- asteroids.

I think it's the first thing you said, but I also have no idea, because I only have a degree in theater.

Last one.

What do you see?

A vag*na, maybe.

Come here, come here.

That was right.

That was right?

That was right.

Okay, good.

(laughing)

♪♪

Hi there, what can I help you with today?

Well, the other day I was having trouble making out this license plate number of a particular school bus, even though I was driving very closely behind it for a long period of time.

In any case, what should I do?

I think you might like these.

These are our Church Basement Computer Teacher Model.

Ah...

But actually, you know what?

These are from our Uncle Backrub line.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

What a-- Now, do these make me look like a serial k*ller?

Yes.

I'll take 'em.

Great. (chuckling)

How can I help you?

Uh, I have a special occasion coming up.

Oh, let me guess.

You and 120 of your closest followers are planing on drinking poison from R.C. Cola cans?

It's not poison, it's time juice.

Okay-- You know, why don't you try these?

These might be perfect.

These are from our vintage Koresh line.

They're perfect for going straight from your compound to burrito-ING yourself in a wool blanket in the desert.

Sandy, would you like to stroke my (bleep)?

Yeah, these are gonna work great.

I like these a lot.

Oh, perfect, perfect.

I'm gonna check out some other styles.

Let me--. Just give a minute?

Please do.

Hi there.

Can I see how you look in these?

Oh, no, we have a strict policy against trying on frames at a customer's request.

Why?

Because you know why.

All right, I'm gonna take these.

Oh, great, great.

But before I pay for them, I just wanted to say that I feel very connected to you and I sense that your heart has many questions for me.

Uh, I've got no questions, but we appreciate your business.

All right.

I take it I can pay for these with jelly beans?

Of course.

Okay.

There you are.

And you're sure there's no questions?

I'm actually gonna close up early.

I'm driving to my boyfriend's house tonight.

Boyfriend-- All right, got it.

We'll just. You know, say that first next time.

Okay.

Okay?

Save us both a lot of time.

Gonna learn from my mistakes-- Thank you so much.

Great-- Yeah, that'd be great if you did that.

And don't put out such a vibe next time.

Okay.

(motor starting)

Brendan Fraser's house.

Lock and load.

♪♪

I honestly don't think I can do this.

It's too hard.

In order for you to move forward with your life, you need to confront this issue.

Okay.

(breathes out)

(sighs)

Hi, Mom.

Hi, darling.

Hi, welcome.

Hi, how do you do?

Please sit down.

It'll be very important that you're here for Amy's progress.

Amy?

Mom...

What's the issue you've been having with your computer?

Oh, I just wanted to e-mail that cute picture of you and your sister to your uncle...

It's this way.

...Pat, but the photos just disappeared.

I just think that machines don't work around me.

They don't.

Okay, well, let's just turn on your computer.

Isn't it on already?

No, wait, no-- I pushed the little button thingy.

Mom, you know how to turn on your computer.

Don't talk to me in that tone, honey.

I didn't grow up with these things.

Amy, what are you hearing your mother say to you?

I hear her saying that she doesn't know how to turn on her computer when I know for a fact...

Yeah, easy.

...that she does know how to turn.

Easy, easy-- Let's just take easy.

I knew yesterday, but I don't know today.

Can you see how that doesn't make sense?

You forget.

All right...

How can you accept her request in a spirit of generosity and maturity?

Okay.

Mom?

You press the "on" button.

(startup sound)

There you go, it's on.

All right, now where's your photo folder?

If I knew that, I wouldn't be asking for help.

I don't have all day to stare computer screens.

I think I'm done.

I don't think I can do this, actually.

Obviously, that triggered you, but it's because you allowed it.

And you will not allow it.

Well, here.

Here it is.

Why do you have all these photos of the TV?

Oh-- I wanted to show you the hangers that I just ordered from HSN.

These are cedar and they smell like wood.

Just. Let's take a look at 'em.

No, no, no, I'm good, I'm good.

You said you needed hangers.

I said that five years ago and you've bought me several sets of them.

Now here's the picture of me and Kim you wanted.

Will you just drag it to your desktop?

It's like a shadow of... It's okay?

Yeah, just-- (alert tone)

Just hold it down and drag it.

Hold the left down?

Yeah, and then just.

Just anywhere in the desktop. (alert tone)

Desktop meaning the whole screen?

Anywhere on the screen.

(alert tone) Hold the left, roll the right.

(alert tone) It's holding, it's holding.

(alert tone)

Desktop.

There you go-- Okay, now open your browser.

You mean my AOL?

Let's just attach the photo.

To the computer.

No, to the e-mail.

Well, I didn't bring a cord.

Mom, there's no possible logical reason that you would need a cord for this.

Just let me do it, all right?

(sighing) Okay, here.

I did it, it's done, you can send it now.

I click "send"?

Yes.

(mouthing words)

(whoosh) Wow, okay, I figured it out.

Huh!

Mrs. Schumer, thank you so much for coming in.

Thank you.

I believe you both had a breakthrough today.

Breakthrough.

Be very proud of yourself.

These are cute.

They go like that, right?

No, they go how they a-- They are ready.

Swashbuckling. (buzzer)

Sorry.

My next patient's buzzing in.

It's the new system we have.

(buzzing) Gosh darn this thing, I just don't know how this works.

I just press this and what's happening?

Wait, what--

And I press where it says press, P-R-E-S-S, nothing's happening.

Yeah, well, what's that thing?

Try that one. (buzzing)

See that. See what I mean?

No.

Did you just see it go on and off?

I know!

And no one's beeping at.

See, this is supposed to say "Enter".

I know.

What have we done to deserve this?

I don't care.

I don't understand. (laughing)

Amy, could you please come help, uh, with this?

♪♪

What about your mom-- Is she savvy with the computer?

No.

My mother is the last woman in the world to have an e-mail address.

Not doing it.

No.

Typewriter.

No.

She uses a quill.

Yeah.

Is your mom savvy with stuff like you or no?

She can send texts, but she don't know the difference between a regular text and a group text.

I like that when we talk about our moms and technology, like, we talk about them like Robert DeNiro in "Awakenings", like they are just slowly coming out of having, like, a stroke.

Yeah.

Now she can blink (laughing) and she can drool on herself, but she cannot restart her Mac.

Do you think that you could teach my mom how to send a text message?

I can't even teach my dad how to use e-mail.

Okay, then how are you an IT guy?

I'm good with younger folks.

I bet you are.

It's just easier to teach kids stuff, why?

Because adults get, like, crazy egos and, like, just old and, like, (bleep) mean and r*cist or what? (laughing)

Am I projecting?

♪♪

Jimmy, you are a comedian, and my good friend, and a real life pervert.

Yeah.

What's the dirtiest thing a girl's ever said to you?

I've gotten golden showers and had girls call me a toilet.

That's pretty dirty.

Okay.

When a girl calls you a toilet.

Yes, that is.

And you... you swallow and agree wholeheartedly.

I feel like I should've prepared myself more.

Yeah.

'Cause I just thought you were gonna say something dirty she said and now...

Why golden showers?

Yeah, I don't know why-- It's nice and warm and uh...

You can also just take a bath.

Listen...

They have heated blankets nowadays. They're so sweet.

You know, sometimes when someone says, "Why do you like golden showers?"

You realize it's very difficult to come up with a satisfactory answer.

That's a really tough question.

I probably should have an answer ready for that, but I don't.

I noticed the other day when you were looking for a picture to show me, when you were going through your cell phone pictures, you had it covered, like, as though you had the codes to, like, disarm nuclear weapons in there.

I have to look through my phone the way the referees do when they're doing a replay in the NFL with the thing over, 'cause it's just so--

There's so many things that could embarrass me.

What's, um, the most (bleep)-up, uh, girl you've ever had sex with or guy?

Um, I don't have sex with guys.

Transsexuals are ladies.

Sorry, ladies.

Absolutely, ladies.

Ma'am, sorry.

Yes, there's this whole--

Oh, they have. You know, they have a (bleep).

I'm like, what are you, judgmental?

Right, what is this?

What century is this that a (bleep) makes someone a dude?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

Please.

It's like, if she's got a wig on and bright smile, look at this lovely gal.

Is that eyeshadow and testicles?

Absolutely.

You're a girl.

Absolutely.

I'm an American and if I go to Europe and come back, it doesn't make me a European.

No.

I'm still an American.

Yes, you are. You're the best American.

Just enjoy Europe.

How many women do you think you've paid for sex?

Take all the women I've had sex with...

Okay.

...subtract four. (laughing)

And the remaining number is how many I paid.

A lot.

Yes.

Yeah-- A lot, a lot of women.

What's the most you've ever paid?

$1,000.

What's the least?

$7 and two cigarettes.

What age where you when you realized you liked, uh, different sexual things than maybe the average bear?

(laughing)

That's where you live.

Yeah, right.

My one friend who used to make me have oral sex with him, I say make me, 'cause it sounds better on camera, Sure, yeah. but the's no victims, only volunteers.

I showed up for it.

There's no pain in your eyes.

We were in the public pool.

He was having me give him oral sex and he whizzed in my mouth...

Uh-huh.

And I was, like, really mad at that and I came up and I went "Don't do that again."

He went, "All right."

So I went right back down and he did it again.

He did it again, you were like, wait a minute.

Maybe always do this.

What's the old expression?

Uh, uh.

"Fool me once."

"Shame on you, and then you know, "fool me twice...

"Fool me twice..." shame on me."

...you're whizzing in my face.

As a child.

Yeah, I didn't quite have those words at that age.

Yeah, it really is, like the same story of "Searching for Bobby Fischer," just, like, early on you realized what you were good at.

Exactly, you know, but instead of playing with a rook, I swallowed one.

Oh, God.

♪♪

"What is your favorite sexual position?"

(hooting and clapping)

Okay, actually like eight people wrote the same one.

But before she lets me answer, she wants me to know, "Mine is doggy style, hits the G spot."

I know!

This is what happens when you're a pretty girl.

Everyone, like, tells you what you say is interesting and important and you get really confused.

No one ever did that to me.

Oh, my favorite sexual position.

Well, I'm lazy, so it's usually I'm laying there like... like an actual slug.

What's your favorite position?

Cowgirl, which way?

Wow, grow up, girl.

Is this your first rodeo?

(cheering and applauding)

♪♪

Oh, sir, did you want to pay for those?

Oh, yes.

Can I pay in mind dollars?

No, we don't accept mind dollars.

(beep) Sir?

Yes?

Sir?

Yes, ma'am?

(giggling) Sir?

Thank you very much.

(beep) Which way is the F?

(laughing)

(woman) So easy.

(man) Mmm... Magic.