06x06 - Just Like Cyrano de Bergerac

[bunniefuu]

...in trachea, perforated... diaphragm...

Hey, hey, Blake, Blake, Blake, could you do me a solid?

This kid's mom needs to sign this, but I got to bolt.

On Golden Pond is on, and I gots to get my "Pond" on.

Hey, I get it, but I've had this brain surgery in the book for like eight months, so... Yeah, sure, why not, right?

(laughs)

Enjoy the Pond, you old poop.

Thanks, man. Mwah.

All righty.

Mrs. Kowalski? Your son is fine.

Hey! Where are you?

That's me, actually.

And it's, um, just "Miss Kowalski."

Oh.

(laughs)

Uh...

(sighs)

(pen clicking rapidly)

Uh...

(pen slams)

(both chuckle)

You know what?

Sign.

(chuckles)

You... wrote "Stay well."

Mm?

I've been taking Cody to hospitals for years, and no one has ever been that sweet to me.

Well, you know...

Thank you.

Yeah.

Come on, sweetie.

Oh, I'm sorry, you, uh, you-- you wrote some extra numbers down on here.

That's my phone number.

Well, I already have your phone number in the--

Ohh, snap.

Man, I'm so into this girl. We have such a connection.

I mean, she's obviously into my good looks, duh, But what she fell for is your wit, and your compassion, and... (sighs) I mean, "Stay well" -- that's so good.

Well, I actually wrote "Stay well hydrated," but she must have covered the "hydrated" with her thumb.

Oh, my God, you should write poetry.

It's just so beautiful.

(gasps)

Y-you have to talk to her for me.

(chuckles)

All right.

What's your password?

Uh, oh, 5...

That's it. Okay.

"Would u like 2 go 2 dinner?"

W-what?!

(inhales deeply) Send! (laughs)

Oh, man. You know what this is like?

Cyrano de Bergerac.

That's right.

This is exactly like Cyrano de Bergerac.

You know what makes me a great administrator?

I can keep my cool under pressure.

What paper do you work for?

Oh, I'm not a reporter. I just have a notebook.

Ugh, did you hear that?

Sy thinks he's cool under pressure. (chuckles)

What a load of crap.

Right.

We got to prove him wrong, and I know just how to do it.

(laughs)

I'm-- I'm sorry, I don't know what you're thinking.

You have to say it out loud.

Prank phone calls.

Oh!

Oh. This place is really nice.

Have you been here before?

"Yes, just once. They make good food."

Yes, just once. They make good food.

Hmm, man of taste. I like that.

Can I get you started with a drink?

Oh, no thanks.

I'm just here pulling a Cyrano for a coworker.

Oh, of course. Well, let me know if you need anything.

N-- I-I won't.

I ate and I drank before I came. Thank you.

All right.

You know, I love prank phone calls.

Oh?

Yeah.

Time to put on our dialin' gloves.

Totally. (laughs)

Oh, for real. Okay.

I mean, I don't think it's his best work, But it's still Dean Koontz, you know?

I mean, at the end of the day, Koontz is Koontz is Koontz, right?

(chuckles) Well, what about you?

Are you-- Are you reading anything good these days?

"I'm reading a book about economic... political..."

I'm ready a book about economic, uh, political.

Ooh, an intellectual.

(chuckles)

Any room for dessert?

(cellphone rings)

Yello, Dr. Glenn Richie.

Glenn, I need you to do me a solid.

I got a ruptured artery, and I don't have how to repair it.

An aortic valve...

I'll have an aortic valve, a bowel evacuation, and 16 cc of morphine. You got it, bro?

A-a bowel evacuation?

W-- Is that some kind of trendy new pudding?

Um...

Oh! Dropped my napkin. (chuckles) Clumsy.

Hey! This date's totally going off the rails.

You got to help me get it back on track.

I've never had a date that's gone off the rails before, So how the hell would I know?

Well, figure it out, okay?

I'm in love over here -- and not just with their signature salad.

Ah.

Sounds like you're in the middle of one tough Cyrano.

Why don't you let me drive? I've re-railed many a date.

Are you okay? You seem a little nervous.

She said, "Are you okay? You seem a little nervous."

"To be honest..."

"To be honest..."

To be honest, I am a little nervous.

"I don't usually date I don't usually date such stunningly beautiful women."

.. such stunningly beautiful women.

Aww.

"Usually, Usually, the women... Usually, the women I date..."

.. I date... are total disgusting b*tches.

Aww.

Dinner went so well, she invited me back to her place tonight to watch "Return to Golden Pond."

I need you there with me.

Oh, I don't know.

Come on! You've got to help me with this.

I need you inside of me, coming out of my mouth.

Uh, okay. I'll do it.

Oh, thank you!

(smooches, sighs)

Hey, Owen, can you do me a solid?

Blake wants me to pull a Cyrano, and, uh, I don't know if I want to do it on my own.

Okay, I'll do it.

Oh, thank you.

(smooches)

(smooches)

So... (gasps) ...do you want to keep watching, or...?

I will answer that question after I pay a visit to the powder room, courtesy of raging diarrhea.

(both chuckle)

Be right back.

(giggles)

Hey. She said, "Do you want to keep watching TV, or...?"

Mm.

I'll tell you how to respond as soon as I get some fresh air.

Okay.

(breathing heavily)

She said, "Do you want to keep watching, or...?"

"I'd like to stop watching TV and start watching your lips."

So good!

Yeah.

"I'd like to stop watching TV and start watching your lips."

That's good. Good, good, good, good, good, good, good.

Thanks, Briggs. I owe you a solid.

No problemo.

You're really helping me out here, Rabbi.

You owe me a mitzvah.

(moans)

Talk to me.

Uh... She wants him to talk to her.

Uh... Whoops.

Oy.

(exhales sharply)

Uh... Try this -- "Baby, you're like a bowl of peaches and cream."

"Baby, you're like Olaf's screeches -- obscene."

"You take off these breeches..."

"Star-bellied sneetches..."

"Like a cream dream."

"1992 Olympic Dream Team."

(moans)

"Baby, you're like a pond of b*tches I've seen."

Baby, you're like a bowl of peaches and cream.

(both moaning)

(moaning passionately)

Hey, she's making sex noises!

What do I say back?

Uh...

Um.

Hmm.

Sex noises. Come on, I know this.

(moaning)

(telephone rings)

Oh, I'm so sorry. Hold on, I'm getting another call.

Sy Mittleman. Mittle I help you?

(both screeching like monkeys)

I'm in the middle of a very important Cyrano, here.

How dare you!

(screeching)

(panting hoarsely)

You think this is so funny?

When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna split your ass in two!

"I'm going to..."

(all) "ssplit your ass in two!"

"I'm gonna split your ass in two."

I-- I'm gonna split your ass in two.

Oh, yes! Yes!

Yeah!

Yes!

Yeah!

(laughs)

This is the happiest I'll ever be!

(both panting)

Where have you been all my life?

(Indian accent) "I've been here, waiting for you."

(all) "I've been here, waiting for you."

"I've been here, waiting for you."

I've been here, waiting for you.

(indian accent)

"Hold me close." "Hold me close." "Hold me close." "Hold me close." "Hold me close." "Hold me close." Hold me close.

I like your work.

Thank you.

"I'm so happy right now."

I'm so happy right now.

"Me too."

Me too.

"I could stay like this..."

"...forever."

"'Forever' sounds pretty good to me."

I'm Bob from Dallas.

Jenna from Tucson. (chuckles)

Actually, it's Nidhi.

Nice to meet you, Nidhi. I'm Devish.

Um, would you have a meal of chicken tikka masala with me?

That is a typical food of India, which, of course, is where we both are right now.

I'd like that.

(both laugh)

(gasps)

(both laugh)

(sighs)

(both laugh)

(clears throat)

(both laugh)

(sighs)

(both laugh)

(snorts)

(both laugh)

(both laugh)

(sighs)