02x04 - Last Dance with Edith Jane

[bunniefuu]

♪

(knocking)

♪

Roofie?

Down here, fool!

Oh, hi...

Uh, who are you?

Who da f*ck is you?

I'm the f*ck Pac.

I'm Roofie's BFF.

Oh, that's right.

You the medium!

Yes, yes, that I am.

But I'm not also a psychic, so...

How'd you know I was gon' ask that?

I don't know.

Uh, who... who are you again?

I'm Tyson, Roofie's number two guy.

Got it.

Roofie's out reupping with one of his suppliers.

That's cool. You just here holding down the fortress?

I dig.

Nah.

I'm just doing my laundry.

Word. I'm here for a twofer.

A twofer?

Yeah.

I need some dr*gs for my work problem, and some advice for my girly problem.

You know, having two problems at once is like, it's hard.

Come here.

Yeah, what's up?

Ahh!

Is you kiddin' me with this?

You wanna talk about hard?

You wanna know how hard it is for me to do what I do?

Look at me!

The one white guy in Roofie's entire drug operation.

I gotta be smarter, act tougher, be stronger just to get my respect.

Don't come to me with your cr*cker-ass problems!

Oh, sh*t.

Do I have crackers on my ass again?

How could you even see my ass?

I didn't even turn around.

m*therf*cker.

♪

(screaming)

♪

Hello? Hey... hi.

I'm so sorry I'm late; I had a hard trouble finding the place.

It's an old folks' home today, huh?

Mmm, silly security guard.

My show isn't just about a gorgeous celebrity medium making high-paying house calls.

It's also about my extensive charity work!

You do charity work?

Why, yes!

I've always done charity work.

Just because I'm getting paid for this doesn't mean it's not charity.

Oh.

Yeah, good?

It's lovely, thank you.

See you on set. Thank you, darling.

Oh, nice.

Oh, boy.

Listen to me, you little sh*t.

Nothing can go wrong today.

I've got the president of Alt TV coming down to set.

You have the president of all TV coming here?

Alt TV.

Oh.

The network that airs my show?

Alt, yeah.

You have one job to do, and that's to keep yourself and any ghosts away from me and my cameras.

Mhm.

♪

If that's a ghost, take care of it.

Yes, ma'am.

♪

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Security! Security.

I'm gonna need you to cut it out with all the haunty stuff, all right?

Well, hot dog! You can see me?

I haven't been seen in nearly sixty years.

Yes, yes. I can see you, for the love of god.

Now just put down the walker.

Well, not before the big finish.

Ta-da.

Uh-huh.

That was good.

g*dd*mn made in Taiwan bullshit!

Sing it loud and proud, sister!

U-S-A. What's cookin', copper?

I'm not a copper, I'm... it's security!

God, this shirt doesn't work at all.

You lookin' for a cop?

I... I'm an undercover cop for over thirty years.

All right, Sid. Keep it down.

We're all trying to watch Jason's bar mitzvah video.

You gotta get me outta here!

I got intel for the precinct.

Woah.

You wanna go take care of that and I'll stay here?

All right. I'll deal with that later.

Listen, I'm gonna have to ask you to step outside.

We're sh**ting a reality show here.

I don't care what kind of picture you're trying to make, I'm not going anywhere!

In case you haven't noticed, I'm quite the Ducky Shincracker...

♪

... and I'm sticking around for one last dance with my old swing partner, Edith.

She's still alive, and she lives right here in this very home.

Okay. So you get your dance...

... and you'll scram?

Why, sure.

So long as we hoof it tonight in front of the audience at the weekly talent show.

They have a weekly talent show here?

What can I say, they got a high turnover.

(grunting)

Get me that dance, and I'll steer clear of your picture, but if not I'll flip my wig and snap my cap...

That doesn't sound so bad!

Like so.

♪

Oh.

Ta-da!

g*dd*mn made in Korea bullshit!

Yeah.

I love messing with that guy.

(knocking)

You may enter!

That's my Edith.

Quite the dame!

Uhhh... hello.

Good morrow to you, dame Ednith.

I am Kevin Pacalioglu.

Oh, my.

Aren't you a round drink of water?

What can I do for you, Kevin?

Uh, well, I'm a medium, and I happened to meet a ghost here today who would like very much to have one last dance with you at tonight's talent show.

He's quite the Dicky Schumacher.

Ah, Edith Jane does not just dance with anyone.

I had a partner, many years ago, who dropped me once mid-dance.

What?

Broke my hip.

I thought I'd never dance again!

Tell her it's Fred Myers.

Oh, he says, "Tell her it's Fred Myers."

Fred Myers?

Yeah!

I'd dance any night of the week with Fred.

Good, great.

But I mean, specifically tonight.

Fred!

Pull me out of the dark, put me back on my feet, the very feet that danced on the Great White Way.

I owe him my life.

It would be an honor to have a last dance with Fred.

Good.

If you'd be so kind as to hand me my wheelchair please?

Your wheelchair?

Yes.

Huh.

Uh, ow. Ow!

(groaning in pain)

It feels worse than it looks.

Ah!

♪

Ow, ahh, oh, ahh!

(groaning)

All right, I'm thinking we got enough foot ju... enough foot juice.

Your thoughts?

Ah!

At this point, I don't think I can stand, let alone dance.

But if these gams can save Fred's soul, I'm gonna keep trying.

That's... that's actually really sweet.

Oh!

Ew, ew, ew!

Ew, ew, oh, ew!

Okay!

Take ten.

Take ten, everybody!

Take ten!

Ew, ew, ew!

(groaning)

Woah, woah. Pac, Pac, Pac.

Woah, woah!

Woah, Roofie!

Yes, thank God you're here!

You got something on your face, man.

What is that?

What are you doing here?

Wait a minute, did Tyson tell you I was gonna be here?

Wait a minute, did I tell Tyson I was gonna be here?

Is Tyson real?

Look, chill, Pac.

I'm here to see my Nana.

'Sup, Pac.

Hey, 'sup, Nana.

Hey, man, listen. You gotta keep it down, right?

There's a lot of dr*gs in this place, all right?

Nana's my connect, all right?

cr*cker?

No, no, thank you.

They just get all over my ass.

Time out, wait, what are you doing here?

Oh, Camomile's sh**ting here today, and I got this ghost who wants to dance with this old lady, but she's got this, like, black, crusty, puss-filled swollen foot!

I don't think she's gonna be able to dance, I don't want to piss off the ghost, so I've been pussyfooting around her p*ssy foot issue all day.

Uh, dude, let me stop you right there before I throw up.

Hey, I got something that can help.

Oh, really?

Check this out.

Tell her to pop a couple of these.

What is it?

It's a non-FDA approved drug called Cinderella.

Nice.

It helps with the pain and the swelling.

Girls pop them in the club all the time so they can dance all night in their heels pain-free.

Just like the fairytale.

Nothing like the fairytale.

♪

Dottie, someone... someone is desperately trying to reach you.

It's, um... it's a man.

(groaning)

(inhaling sharply)

His name is G... Gil...

No, not Gordon.

Gil...

♪

Gilbert Benjamin?

Does that ring a bell?

Sure.

Was he important to you?

My husband Gil?

Sure.

He wants you to know, he loves you very much.

Phenomenal.

Tell him I said hi.

Now can I go take a nap, please?

And cut.

Thank you so much, Dottie.

You've been a big bitch.

Ah, there she is!

Alt TV's Brittiest star!

You see what I did there? Eh?

I made "prettiest" and "British" one word, so it's clever, and not sexual harassment.

Oh, Barrold!

Call me Barry.

Barry Weinbergerstein.

Oh, Barry! I'm so glad you could make it down to set today.

Please, please.

The pressure's all mine.

I need this show to do well, Ms. White.

Alt TV has been getting k*lled in the ratings by every network.

You're doing worse than every other network?

No, just our rival, Every Network.

EN.

Ohhh.

The point is, we're counting on Midtown Manhattan Medium to inject a little bit of... a little life into the line-up.

Don't you worry, Barry.

I predict huge ratings for this show.

I'm not worried.

No?

(laughing)

If the show stinks, we'll just cancel it before it airs, and save some money.

Okay!

I'm gonna hit the head.

Okay, so, does the carpet match the drapes?

You know, I mean, do your legs feel as okay as they look?

Ow, ow, ah, ow!

(bones crunching)

(groaning in pain)

Sorry, force of habit.

I feel great!

Ba-di-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, baaa!

(laughing)

That is some good sh*t.

Yeah, let's dance!

♪

You ready for this?

Bend your knees, fatty.

Here we go.

Ba-da ba!

Now you.

5-6-7-8!

Ba-da-ba!

Okay!

Ba-da-ba-ba!

Okay, now you're cookin' with gas!

♪

Oh, oh!

If they can teach a bear to ride a bicycle, I can teach you how to dance. Here we go.

5-6-7-8.

(stomping)

You are a burly piece of work, sir.

Throw in a little flair, right?

Ba-ba-ba-ba!

Please.

(muttering)

Chug, chug, chug, chug!

No, no, take five!

I don't want to take five!

She's never gonna get this. Okay.

(both groaning)

Oh, my God.

♪

Your husband is dead...

♪

(smacking hands)

♪

Open the door, open the door, open the door!

Yeah, now give me some sass.

♪

Shakin' boobies.

♪

Oh!

(clapping)

♪

And now for the kicker!

♪

(record scratching)

What the hell is going on in here?

You told me to distract the ghost while you did your TV show!

Well now you've distracted everyone.

So there is no show!

I don't know what those people are doing out there!

I'm just... I'm just training a ghost and his dame for the talent show!

What?

Woah, woah, woah, woah.

A show involving ghosts?

And talent? And dames?

That sounds like an exciting and sexy and spooky third act set piece for this episode!

Of Midtown Manhattan Medium.

But what do I know?

I'm just the president of Alt TV!

Barrold!

Barry! Barry Weinbergerstein.

You must be psychic.

That was exactly what I was planning to do.

Great minds think alike, huh?

Ms. White, you continue to impress me.

Thank you, Barry.

All right, I'm gonna go hit the head.

Bye.

Owiee!

You had one job to do and that was to keep ghosts off the set, and you managed to do the exact opposite!

Yeah, but my heart was in the right place?

Lucky for you, you know, I know exactly how to spin this.

I'm just gonna...

I'm just gonna slip into something sparkly and host the talent show myself.

And then I'll channel a couple of former residents to be ghost judges!

Can I be in charge of the prizes?

You can be in charge of one thing, and one thing only: making sure this ghost dance goes off without a hitch.

Yeah.

Boy, she seems like a real see-you-next-Tuesday-on-a-Wednesday.

I'd still hit it, though, don't get me wrong.

♪

Welcome to the Leaky Springs Retirement Community Talent Show!

(scattered applause)

Tonight, our residents use their talents to win your hearts and impress our judges.

Let's meet our panel of experts now.

Please welcome two recently deceased members of the Leaky Springs community, the ghosts of Gilbert Benjamin and Rose Bailey!

(scattered applause)

And, as the star of Midtown Manhattan Medium, I'll be rounding off your judging panel tonight.

It's me, Camomile White!

(scattered applause)

Okay, okay, guys.

Everyone feeling all right?

Need anything?

Need some pills, ointment, huh?

Large-font reading material?

Cool it there, eager-beaver.

Our dance is gonna be k*ller-diller.

I'll take some ointment.

Yes, yes. 'Cause the dance has got to be perfect.

Not to worry. We're prepared.

We haven't been rehearsing all mid-to-late afternoon for nothing.

Good, fantastic.

Though, there is one thing we're not prepared for.

What's that?

The big lift at the end of the dance.

That limey hussy out there stopped our rehearsal before we had a chance to give it a whirl.

Okay, well, I'm not taking any chances.

We gotta practice that big lift at least once before we get out there, right?

Let's do it, chop-chop.

All right.

♪

All right. Ha! Ha! Ha!

♪

Ah! Ahh...

♪

(screaming and crunching)

Oh! Oh, my god!

Do you see what I mean now?

If that had to happen on stage, that would have been a disaster!

Get her up.

Edith, Edith?

Edith, honey?

♪

Herro?

♪ What I wouldn't do ♪
♪ for love ♪

Well, they used to love it down at the precinct.

Hey, come on!

I... I think I got a little crick in my neck.

Uh, actually...

You're dead.

Oh...

Horsefeathers.

I'm sorry to let you down...

Milton?

Who's Milton?

♪

(audience gasping)

(applause and whistling)

My first partner.

The son of a bitch who dropped me.

All because he was a weak lifter!

I wasn't a weak lifter.

You were a weight shifter!

And you still are!

Weak lifter!

Weight shifter!

Weak lifter!

Weight shifter!

(audience cheering)

Those lights are a sign from Gilbert and Rose.

You really got a rise out of them!

(laughter)

Okay, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop, guys!

Guys, hold on! Guys, stop fighting.

Don't you see? You're both dead.

You can see each other now.

Dancing is going to be super duper easy.

Dance with him over my dead body!

Oh yeah, I mean, I guess we could, like, move it onto the stage?

What are you so scared of?

That this will prove once and for all that this was your fault?

That's all the proof I need, weak lifter!

Exit stage, I'm right!

♪

(glass shattering)

Horsefeathers!

I've been waiting around 60 years to do that lift so I could prove I wasn't a weak lifter!

Now I'll never finish my unfinished beeswax.

Okay, so we're cool, then?

If I'm not performing tonight, no one is.

(rumbling)

♪

Up the pole, down the pole, Astroglide, any hole!

I love that dirty slut!

That's why I trust her butt!

(applause and laughter)

Holla!

Ah.

Uh, hey, Milt. Milton, listen.

Calm down, listen, buddy!

Listen, you know, Edith, she probably would have shifted her weight no matter what you did, man.

Once... once a filthy weight shifter, always a filthy weight shifter, right?

Yeah!

You really think so?

I do!

As a matter of fact, I don't think you need to waste your time trying to impress that dame.

You got nothing to prove to her!

You're right!

Actually, don't you think maybe you need to prove it to somebody else?

You know what?

You're right, fatso!

I need to prove it to myself!

Ye... Oh, yeah! That's, yeah, way better than what I was gonna say.

But how?

I'm down a dance partner.

Milty? Hello?

You forgetting something?

I trained you guys.

I taught you the routines.

I can totally train someone else.

Or... ta-da!

Oh boy.

If I can successfully lift your pear-shaped, jalopy body, I'll prove to everyone for once and for all that I'm not a weak lifter!

I stand by my "Oh boy."

Now it's time for a very special treat on the Leaky Springs Stage.

Please welcome legendary Broadway dancer Edith Jane, with her former dance partner and current ghost, Fred Myers!

(applause)

♪

(audience gasping)

(cheering and whistling)

Ah, it worked, you magnificent son-of-a-bitch!

It worked!

(laughing)

♪

(glass shattering)

Oh!

(record scratching)

Oh, ow, ow!

That's a man!

Owww, my d*ck.

So you think you can dance?

If you ever pull a stunt like that, I will...

I will order two more seasons!

Barry Weinbergerstein, president of Alt TV.

What you just did out there is gonna be the most exciting episode of TV since Maude had an abortion on Maude.

Do you remember when she had the abortion?

(laughter)

That was a good one. Listen.

I just love the new, fun direction you're taking the show.

A comedic take on the medium genre.

It's pure genius.

Thank you, Barry.

I just knew you'd love it!

All right. I've got two words for you: Nichols. May.

So, what you're saying is...

Camomile White, say hello to your new partner.

The beautiful medium, and her bumbling security guard.

It's ratings gold!

Or...

Or, what?

The psychic and her sidekick?

Boom!

Camomile, you're blowing my mind.

Thank you, Barry.

I'm so pleased you share my vision.

That was actually what today was all about.

It was really to prove to you that this dynamic works.

Yeah.

Well, I should get back to the office.

Alt TV is not gonna president itself, you know?

Look out, Every Network!

I know... I know you're upset right now, but listen to me, one quick question: am I in charge of moving this, or is that like a union thing?

No, no, no!

(horns honking)

♪

Hi.

Hey.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

It was a really crazy day at the newsstand.

So, listen, I know that I've been really neglectifying you lately, and I... I'd really like the chance to change that, if I can.

(pressing button)

♪

May I have this dance?

♪

Where'd you learn to dance like this?

Just some guy named Fred.

I mean, Milton.

Some guy named Milton.

♪