02x05 - The Occult Leader

[bunniefuu]

♪

What the hell are we doing at a bar at 10 a.m. on a Tuesday?

Well, now that I'm actually, I'm on Camomile's show, I couldn't risk Sue finding out, so I had to cancel all TV.

You know, maybe you're better off without that channel.

No, no, no. Not... not Alt TV, all TV, like, all of it.

♪

Goodbye, old friend.

♪

Well, just in case.

Man, your web of lies is spreading faster than Hepatitis C at a Maroon 5 concert.

Oh, shush, shush, shush. It's on.

It's on, everybody!

Ten years ago, Camomile White first appeared on the Wesley Chilcott Show, and forever cemented her place in the paranormal industry.

Your daughter, Samantha, isn't missing.

She's dead.

(gasping)

Tonight on the premiere of Midtown Manhattan Medium, Camomile White brings joy to the hearts of the elderly, while Kevin, her fat, dumb, security guard, can't seem to handle gravity.

Only on Alt TV, the alternative to reality!

What was that... what was that crap?

What... they... they reedited it to make me look dumb, not to mention fat!

(groaning)

The magic of reality TV.

♪

(screaming)

♪

Hi! Hi, Camomile.

I'm sorry... I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm here. I just, uh, it's getting harder and harder to sneak away, you know?

Mhm, I imagine you've got a very heavy tip-toe.

No, I'm talking about all the lying.

You know, Sue wants to talk to me.

I just... I have no idea how to just blow someone off.

You know, I suck at blowing.

Never mind then. We've got work to do.

Now remember, just because the network is forcing me to put you on camera, doesn't mean anything's changed with our little arrangement.

You still have to keep the set free from all ghosts.

Am I understood?

Crystal.

My TV show premieres tonight, so I'm throwing a little viewing party, and I've decided to treat myself.

I'm not going to do any readings or talk to any ghosts.

Today I'm just a regular gal going to get her hair done.

Excuse me, Miss?

Uh, your father wants me to tell you that he says hi.

Uh, my father d*ed a year ago, so...

Uh, he also said... he loves you?

He... he said you'd understand what that meant.

My father and I always used to say "I love you" to each other...

Oh my...

Thank you.

Oh, thank you!

Sometimes I just can't turn it off.

Camomile!

Camomile!

Oh, Giuseppe!

(kissing sounds)

♪

Giuseppe Monamocce has been doing my hair for, oh, a couple of years now.

He's the only person I trust with the outside of my head.

A hair genius... nay... savant.

Remember!

It's not the haircut that makes the woman, but the woman who makes the haircut.

Ow, ow! (Bleep) ow!

Damn it.

Ow, ow, ow!

(shouting and cursing)

Somebody help! Ow! (Bleep)

Okay, I'm having a hard time keeping up.

So now you want me to look directly into the camera?

Oh man, you know what would be so funny?

If the security guard got a perm next to you.

No, guys. I don't think so!

No, I... I kinda like what's happening over here, you know? It's natural.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Yeah.

That is a total mess.

I need a total makeover here.

The old inside, outside.

Don't worry, Kevin.

I'm going to bring out the real you, the special you, for all to see and admire.

Oh.

Yeah, I, I guess that could work.

Yeah.

(nervous laughter)

Well, this is kinda cute.

(wind blowing)

Hello, fellow traveler!

I am Trigve.

We see that you've donned the robes of the Magnificent Plutonians!

What? Is that some sort of band or something?

We're a spiritual collective in search of boundless joy and inclusion for all.

I'm Trigve's life mate, Marble.

Oh, Marble. That's a nice name.

(soft moan)

Okay.

Yeah, yeah. Go to town.

That's a new one.

Okay, then, no, okay, yeah. We get it.

You guys are life mates, that's great.

You guys are really good at tonguing each other's faces; you guys do know that you're dead, right?

We're not dead.

We merely shed our Earth Shells when we ate the Blessed Brownie to ride the Northern Lights to the Dark Side of Pluto.

Blessed Brownie...

Blessed Brown... Oh, my God!

Oh, holy sh*t, you guys are from that cult, you're from that cult from like 35 years ago?

You committed mass su1c1de?

Yeah, when I heard about that, I couldn't eat brownies for like, days.

We've been wandering this planet in our post-shell form looking for our leader ever since.

Mmm... Father-Daddy.

Father-Daddy.

That is a super creepy name.

We need you, Father-Daddy.

Okay, okay, stop!

We need you!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Okay! I will help you with your Father-Daddy issues, okay?

But you guys, you gotta shut your brownie-holes.

Shut 'em! Okay?

I'm trying to sh**t a TV show upstairs.

Okay, thank you.

So, what... what can I do to help?

When we joined the Plutonians, Father-Daddy made us cleanse our bank accounts so that we might be light enough to ascend.

He then made us shed our Earth Shells, but...

But what?

You see, Father-Daddy never ate Blessed Brownie.

I get it, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's all coming in clear now.

You guys are just a bunch of regular people who got brainwashed by a crazy man and gave him all your money, and then he made you k*ll yourselves, and now you want to expose him for the fraud that he is.

No! He's the only one that knows the way to the Dark Side of Pluto.

We need the directions.

Okay, fine. Where is this guy?

Here.

In this salon.

♪

Him?

So? You're ready to become a new man?

Him!

Look at him, will you!

So, Mr. Kevin.

What are we gonna do today?

I guess I would like to change as little as possible?

Don't be a fool, Kevin!

People make appointments months in advance to see Giuseppe!

I know just the thing.

I'm gonna do something that's gonna bring you out of your shell.

What? No.

No, I mean, I... I don't know.

I sort of love my shell!

Relax...

You're gonna enjoy this!

Some guys just like to wash the hair.

I like to wash a little deeper.

You mean...

The brain?

The scalp!

(laughter)

(scared laughter)

Oh, that's nice.

Ah.

Okay... All right, all right.

Shut it off! Shut it off!

I don't wanna shed my Earth Shell!

♪

Ow, ow, ow!

Ow, hot!

Oh, hot! Giuseppe, hot!

It hurts!

Okay, okay, okay.

I think we've got enough B-roll of my security guard being a moron for one day.

Okay, everybody stop.

As for you, Giuseppe, you've done such a fabulous job on me, you really must come to the viewing party tonight.

Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't impose.

Oh, ah, that sucks!

No, it's no imposition!

All my dearest, most famous friends will be there.

Even James McAvoy's a maybe.

McAvoy, really?

Yeah.

All right.

Uh-huh?

I'll try to come.

Yeah?

I'll bring some brownies.

No! No.

I mean, no, no, because, you know, those things just go straight to Camomile's ass.

Ah!

No. He's right.

You don't have to bring a thing.

Ciao, Giuseppe.

Camomile?

Sometimes a little knowledge is a very dangerous thing.

Uh...

It can be a one-way ticket... to the Dark Side of Pluto!

(groaning)

♪

Hey, how was work?

Hi. Uh, ahh... it's just, like, boring.

Did you get your hair done?

What? No... I... it must have been the way the wind was blowing.

You don't have to be embarrassed.

I really like it.

It looks distinguished.

Oh, well... Thank you.

It's a Giuseppe Monamocce.

Seriously?

Yeah.

That guy is super famous!

Really?

Yeah.

He's a hair stylist to the stars.

Big cult following.

That's who Camomile uses!

Is it? I wouldn't know that.

How would I know that?

It's not like I talk to Camomile or share beauty tips with her or anything.

♪

Those are... those are super old.

Those are... those are super duper old!

They're from when I thought Camomile and I were soul mates, 'cause we're both real mediums!

Kevin, it's fine.

I'm not worried.

Okay. Good.

Good, good, good, good.

Okay, great. Uh, hey, I need my fancy dinner jacket... it's for Roofie, 'cause he wants to look fancier when he deals dr*gs.

I don't know. Don't ask.

Have you seen it?

Zoila!

Zoila, where is my fancy dinner jacket?

Here. I iron it.

Oh, good. Thank you.

Thank you. Okay, also, I have no idea where Roofie is right now, so it might be a while before I find him.

Okay, don't wait up. Bye!

(door closes)

Bye!

♪

(laughter)

Oh, my, my, Anastacia, you've had such an interesting life!

You know what we should do?

Let's start with a Steadicam sh*t to establish Camomile's new apartment.

It'll be fabulous. We'll pick up all...

So McAvoy's a no-show, huh?

What a cock.

Take it down a notch, Biscotti.

Please, take it down a notch, Biscotti.

Hey, hi, nice to see you.

There's your scotch on the rocks.

Now what the hell are you doing?

♪

He's so dreamy.

Who?

Biscotti?

Yeah.

No talking to celebrities, Kevin.

Can I at least show him the spec episode of "Felonies and Misdemeanors"

I wrote on this napkin?

No!

Yeah.

Camomile! Camomile!

Giuseppe!

Darling!

(kissing sounds)

My blessed blondie.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, the haircut really suits you.

You certainly look the role of the strong, silent type.

Thank you.

Uh, okay, Giuseppe, let me get you a cocktail.

Come and try one of my... one of my Camomile cocktails.

♪

What are... what are you guys doing here?

We followed Father-Daddy.

Have you made any progress?

When will we get to the Dark Side of Pluto?

I want to ride the Northern Lights!

Shh! Stop!

I'm just trying to figure out how you can ride the Northern Lights to the Dark Side of Pluto, and not have Father-Daddy make me shed my Earth Shell.

(groaning)

What the sh*t was that out there?

I don't know. I don't know, man.

The New York society scene is soo weird to me, too.

Don't play games with me!

I didn't spend 35 years reinventing myself to be taken down by a reality TV show security guard with a beautiful haircut!

Okay, fine. You got me, all right?

I'm not a security guard. You happy?

I'm a medium.

I've been talking to the ghosts from your weird little Pluto cult!

Ghosts?

Yeah.

You mean they followed me?

Oh, they follow you everywhere, man.

Are they here now?

No, they're out in the foyer.

Foyay.

Foy... "foyay"?

That sounds weird.

Foyer.

You talk to ghosts?

Yeah.

Can you get rid of them?

I can, but the only way to do that is to give them directions to the Dark Side of Pluto.

But that's a bunch of bullshit!

I know it's a bunch of bullshit, Giuseppe, but they're getting all hopped up out there, and the only way to get them to leave you alone is to satisfy them.

Oh, you gotta satisfy them.

Okay...

Okay.

Bring 'em in here.

♪

Greetings, my beautiful Plutonians!

Your auras shine magnificently.

♪

Father-Daddy did not leave you.

Ah! I knew Father-Daddy would never leave us!

Father-Daddy loves us!

Ooh!

(shushing)

It's okay, shh, shh.

Ooh.

As revelations from the ever-loving, all-inclusive universe tell me, the ascent to the Northern Lights of Pluto is nigh!

Oh...

(grunting)

Ooh, oh, oh.

I'm getting another revelation.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

(groaning)

Oh, oh!

Ye shall wander the earth for 35 years in your post-shell form, at which time a new leader will emerge.

He will be a bit chubby, he will be high on the good, green plant, he will have a poorly manicured beard, and one k*ller bang.

He will also be able to see you in your post-shell form!

Whaaaaat?

New Father-Daddy, we love you.

Tell us what to do, Father-Daddy. Please!

Stop! Stop it! I can't...

I can't be your new Father-Daddy, okay?

I never had either of those.

Lead us!

Ugh! Okay.

Take a good gander, okay? Look at this.

You do not want this as your leader!

I ate a s'mizza for breakfast today.

Do you know what a s'mizza is?

It's a pizza made out of s'mores!

Good! Our new leader should have extra padding.

The ride on the Northern Lights can be bumpy.

What the hell is going on in here, Kevin?

I could hear you out from the other room!

♪

Is there a ghost in here?

♪

Not... one.

Good!

'Cause dinner's starting, and we need it to go well.

Mhm.

(glass clinking)

Toast. Toast!

Toast.

Toast?

Thanks for coming, everyone.

It's an honor to have you all here to watch the premiere of Camomile's new show, Midtown Manhattan Medium.

(applause)

(clanking dishes)

And even though my girlfriend's show and my show share a time slot on competing, uh, networks, it's, uh...

(glass clinking)

Ah!

Giuseppe!

This reminds me of a saying that I love.

I believe it was the Maharishi Guru who said, "The golden gate of life is the experience of bliss."

And there is nothing more blissful than watching the talents of Camomile White.

When are we going to Pluto, Father-Daddy?

I'm not Father-Daddy.

When are we going to Pluto, Stepfather-Daddy?

Are we there yet, Stepfather-Daddy?

Shh.

(snapping fingers)

sh**t!

I just remembered I never took my wife on a honeymoon.

Woops!

Oh, that's okay, Kevin.

That is your past.

In order to become the best possible you, you have to shed your old shell.

Mhm. Former Father-Daddy is right.

Shed your old shell, and lead us to Pluto!

Just please don't shed it at the dinner table, am I right?

That would put people off, yes.

I'm sorry. What was that, Mr. Chilcott?

I didn't quite catch it.

No it's... it's cool, man. It's just a joke.

Show us how to ride the Northern Lights, Kevin. Show us!

Kevin, what on earth are you doing?

What?

What are you doing?

I'm... I'm dewaxing.

It's totally normal dinner table behavior.

Just pay no mind.

Oh, just put the napkin down, Kevin.

Come on!

Would, uh, would somebody please pass the shell?

The what?

Not the shell...

The, uh, didn't mean to say shell.

The salt?

Can you pass the shell?

The pepper?

No, not the salt.

The shell. I want... not shell, shed.

What are you saying?

The shed? Pass the shed?

Shed your shell!

sh*t!

He's going totally crazy.

We're gonna win an Emmy!

Shut up! Shut the f*ck up!

Whoa!

I, uh...

I need to get some fresh air.

I'll be back.

I need to get some fresh air, excuse me.

(panting)

Oh, God, get it together, man.

Get it together.

Kevin?

Sue?

What are you... What are you doing here?

You were acting so strange, I thought you were in trouble.

But now it makes so much sense!

The haircut, the sneaking around, those headshots?

And now here you are, at Camomile's place.

You still have feelings for her!

No, no, no. Sue, I can explain.

No! You can't.

'Cause I can't trust you anymore.

No, Sue. No, wait!

Wait, Sue!

Ugh!

Oh, my God.

(sighs)

♪

f*ck this.

♪

You! Hey.

The whole reason I took this job in the first place was to save my relationship with Sue, and now this job is ruining that very relationship!

So screw it! You can blackmail me all you want, Camomile; blackmail me until you're blue in the face.

I don't care. And you can do your shitty TV show without me.

Listen, listen, Kevin, you've just had a rough ride of it, that's all.

You're just a little bit confused.

I'm confused?

Yes!

(laughing)

I'm confused?

I... I'm not the one who's taking life advice from a hair stylist, who 35 years ago used to be the leader of a su1c1de cult!

That's ridiculous.

Is it?

Your blood sugar is just a little low.

Have a brownie!

What is that?

I made it myself.

I do feel a little peckish.

No, what? No, no!

I'm not gonna eat a brownie that was baked by a cult leader who had all of his followers k*ll themselves by eating a poison brownie!

How do you know all this?

Because the ghosts from his cult are standing in this room all around you, and they won't shut their mouths!

I want to ride the Northern Lights to Pluto!

Now, Stepfather-Daddy!

Wait, the security guard talks to ghosts too now?

He most certainly does not!

We're going to hit major traffic on the Northern Lights if we don't leave now.

Oh, shut your f*ckin' mouth, Trigve!

Shut up!

Oh, my God!

You guys... you guys think that the reason you're here is because you need to ride the Northern Lights to the Dark Side of Pluto?

That's your unfinished business?

But that's ridiculous! It's not!

That's not even why you joined the cult.

We joined for... boundless joy and inclusion, right?

All right, that's f*ckin' horse pucky.

Okay, Marble? And you know it.

If I had to take a guess, which I don't, but I'm going to anyway, I would say that you were in it because you needed a father figure.

You were in it because you needed, like, any friends at all, you were in it for the p*ssy, you were in it for the d*ck, you were in it for the p*ssy and the d*ck, and you were in it for the free brownies.

Ta-da!

Like 42 people d*ed that day.

Where are the rest of them, huh?

They sure as sh*t didn't go to Pluto.

They went into their light, which is where the real boundless joy and inclusion awaits.

♪

Oh, thank God.

♪

Anyway, what was I saying?

I...

Oh yeah.

Suck it, you limey bag!

I quit.

(door opening)

Sue! I wanna explain.

No, you don't need to say anything.

No, I do. I do, okay.

I... I can't lie to you anymore.

I just can't do it! The truth is, I don't have any feelings for Camomile, but I have been working for her.

It started a couple weeks ago.

I was picking up hours here or there, keeping ghosts off the set.

But then I got roped into being on her show somehow, and the lies just, like, snowballed out of control, and it, like, I just feel sick about it.

I can't... I destroyed my TV, Sue, so you wouldn't find out!

I destroyed my blessed TV.

It's gone! I'm done.

I'm done lying. I'm done with it.

I quit the show tonight.

You did?

Yeah, I did. I...

I just wanna be honest with you from now on. Always.

♪

Why did you go to work for Camomile in the first place?

Uh...

Well, I... I needed the money.

What about the newsstand?

I... I got fired.

I thought your best friend owns the newsstand?

No, he does. Yeah, he owns it.

He just... he fired me.

We had a fight.

About what?

Uh... you.

Me?

Yeah.

I mean, I don't know. Roofie just... he hates you for some reason.

What? Why?

Because... I don't...

Because he's probably jealous.

We spend a lot of time together.

It's just like stupid, classic, best friend bullshit, you know?

Like, bottom line is we're gonna take care of it, okay?

Together. We'll work through it.

I will introduce you to Roofie, and he's gonna love you.

Are you sure?

♪

Trust me.

♪

We're not actually cops.

But we do play them on TV.

And you're under arrest for the m*rder of 42 cult members.

Uh, you know what, technically?

It's, uh, it's not m*rder.

Well... Assisted su1c1de.

And brainwashing.

Ah! Yeah.

You're going away for a long time, dirtbag.

You know, this reminds me of a saying that I love...

♪