02x10 - The Unholy Trinity

[bunniefuu]

Are you okay?

Yes.

Does it hurt?

Yes, Sue.

It hurts.

I got a bag of peas on it.

Maybe we should just give up.

No. No, no, no, no, I'm sorry.

I'm being... I'm being a cranky bear.

I... I'm just... I'm frustrated with the situation, but it's a minor setback.
We'll figure it out.

Every time we try to hook up you just fall through me and really hurt yourself.

I know but it's a... it's a good hurt. I like it!

Plus you've destroyed, like, everything you own.

Yeah, I know. I feel like a drunk old wrestler or something.

Okay, let me just try one more time.

I really don't think it's gonna work out!

Sue, please!

Okay.

Sweet.

Okay, maybe you're right.

Maybe we should stop.

I don't think I can do this.

What... what?

I don't think I can be in a relationship if we can't touch each other.

What does... what does that mean?

What are you saying?

I'm saying...

I think... we should bring another girl into the bedroom.

What... what?

I think we should have possession sex.

♪

(screaming)

♪

A'ight. This one... is gonna give you a body high.

This one is gonna be a mental high.

And this one is more of an existential high.

What's an existential high?

Well, that depends.

What kind of a man is you?

I don't know.

I don't...

I don't know.

I don't know, Tyson, I don't know!

Okay, okay, it's okay, it's okay.

Definitely not this one then.

Okay, give me whichever one is the freest.

Freest?

I'm sorry. The most free.

What, you think this is a charity drive, yo?

No! I don't... Tyson, come on!

Don't be a dink, man. I need it!

I need it so I can have sex with my ghost girlfriend.

Why don't you just get a live girlfriend?

I don't know! I've tried.

I just... I...

I wasn't socialized properly.

I had a rough childhood.

Oh, you thought you had it bad?

Want to know what they used to call me in high school?

You know those little sugar packets?

Like Sweet'N Lows?

No!

They used to call me Sugar Packets, assh*le, 'cause I'm white!

I don't know what to tell you, man.

Roofie used to give me dr*gs in exchange for my beautiful friendship.

Do I look like Roofie to you?

Yeah, kinda.

Oh, hell no.

Really?

Yeah!

That's cool, man.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you one mushroom for free.

One mushroom?

Yeah!

Is that enough to get anybody messed up?

Works on me!

Yeah.

Yeah.

♪

Okay, how about couple seeks woman for spiritual threesome?

Aw, that's sweet.

Good.

But if we want our ad to get a response, it needs to be less subtle.

Oh.

Like... horny ghost girl seeks fun-loving female to possess for night of sin with her hungry human lover.

Whoa.

Did you just make that up right now?

Mm-hm.

That's good.

You're really good.

You could have been an author of ghost erotica.

I was.

Okay.

And... posted.

There we go!

I gotta say though, I don't have a lot of faith in the people inside the internet.

I mean, do you think anybody's really gonna respond to this?

You've got mail.

Look at that! We got one response.

You've got mail.

You've got mail.

You've got mail.

You've got...

Okay, well.

Thank you for coming.

Uh, why don't you start off by telling us a little bit about you.

Okay, great.

My name is Jordana, I live in Brooklyn, and I'm a first responder.

Uh, no. Actually you are the third responder.

Uh, the first responder was a little too educated, and it intimidated Sue over here.

What? I wasn't the one who felt intimidated.

And the second responder, she had a face that looked like, uh, like a baby bird that had been beaten with a tennis racket.

Hi, I'm Allison Kelley, and I'm a model.

Allison the model.

Okay.

So why do you want to engage in possession sex?

Well, I never knew my father until one day I found out I accidentally had sex with him as part of a photo-bang on his boat.

So now normal sex with a man just does nothing for me.

What else? I'm a vegan.

Oh, next!

I should just mention that above my pubic region I have a couple of tattoos in the shape of a herpes outbreak.

So Beth, other than your gorgeous Tempur-Pedics, what else should we know about you?

Well, um, I used to be a school teacher, but then I quit when I realized I could make more money doing odd jobs off Craigslist.

Yeah, one day I could be cleaning some dude's apartment wearing only a bikini, and the next I could be ghost-writing a term paper about acclaimed actor James McAvoy.

Tonight I'm actually entering a, uh, a wet T-shirt contest, which, ironically, I need to win if I'm gonna pay this month's water bill.

Kevin, she's like you!

I never entered a wet T-shirt contest!

I mean, not on purpose.

No, I mean she's a freelancer.

Oh, oh yeah! Oh nice!

Yeah, I... I, too, am my own boss.

Though I find he's kind of a d*ck sometimes.

Fortunately I'm really organized, so I don't really have a problem with that.

No way! She's organized just like you!

Can I just say something?

When I read your guys' story, I thought it was the most romantic thing I'd ever heard.

I mean, two people unable to consummate their relationship because one of them doesn't have a body?

When I read that, I knew I was supposed to see it, and, uh, I had to respond before someone flagged it and it was taken down.

I would be honored to be your sex vessel.

♪

I like her.

Yeah, me too!

(giggling)

Like a lot!

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, you're hired. You got the job.

Okay, uh, what's the catch?

No catch!

Good.

Oh, but there is one other thing.

Um, I think there's something supernatural going on in my apartment.

Do you think we could, like, work out some kind of deal?

Yeah, but that's the... the very definition of a catch.

Kevin, please? I don't wanna lose this one.

She's perfect.

Plus I've always wanted a set of jugs like those.

Me too.

♪

So Beth, when was the last time you experienced anything strange?

Last week, when I woke up in a pool of water.

I mean at first, I thought my dog had climbed into bed with me and pissed the sheets, but then I realized I have never owned a dog.

Whoa.

So I knew it had to be him.

Who?

Satan.

Satan?

Yeah, Lucifer.

The dark prince?

Yeah, the dark prince.

Beelzebub.

Like the antichrist?

Yes, the lord of fire.

Why the devil would the lord of fire be haunting you with water?

I mean...

Because he's trying to cool off.

Right.

I mean, how else do you explain that the hauntings didn't begin until I converted to Satanism?

You're a Satanist now?

I mean, I don't need you to exorcise him or anything.

I just need you to help me talk to him.

Yeah...

This is a prime example of something I wish you'd have mentioned in your interview.

I thought you saw my tattoo?

No.

Uh, look, are you gonna help me talk to Satan or not?

♪

What the hell?

(laughing)

Here Satan, Satan, Satan.

Satan?

Ya in here?

Huh, buddy?

♪

Hey... hey Satan there, bud.

If you're, uh... if you're hiding behind the shower curtain, don't be scurred.

Okay, one, two, three.

The spirits!

Jesus, f*ck!

Motherfuck, sh*t, oh my God.

Satan, don't k*ll me, please!

Satan?

Oh goodness, no.

I'm Father Michael.

The f*ck?

Why does your voice sound like that?

Throat cancer.

I mean, you bless one cigar factory.

Come on!

Okay.

All right, all right, got it.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm Beth's childhood priest.

And my business was to baptize Beth as a baby... a whole bunch of babies actually, but I botched it.

The whole batch?

No just Beth.

You see, Beth was the last baby of the day, and I had run out of holy water, so I reached for a nearby regular glass of water, but turns out it was flavored.

Lemon?

Lemon-lime.

I've regretted it ever since.

And now that I see the evil turn that Beth's life has taken, I am determined to right that wrong.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, all right, okay.

Oh!

Shh, shh, shh!

Are you talking to Satan?

What's he sayeth?

I have some good news and some bad news.

Uh, the bad news is it's not Satan.

But the good news is it's not Satan!

Well, then who the hell is it?

Uh, it's your childhood priest!

It's Father Michael!

He... he botched your baptism as a baby, and he wants a do-over, I think, if he can do that.

A baptism?

Yeah.

To keep me out of hell?

I don't know. I think so.

I am a Satanist!

I want to go to hell!

Right.

Now either Father Michael's gone by the time I get back from work, or you are never having sex with this body.

What? No, no, no!

No, no, no, hold on, that...

That's not the deal. That wasn't the deal.

The deal was that I just had to talk to him and... and I'd do the sex with your body!

Dude, deal?

It's f*cking Craigslist.

You're lucky I'm not stealing your liver right now.

Get rid of him.

Excuse me, son.

Did I hear directly that you and Beth are planning on having sex out of wedlock?

Well, that depends.

What's a wedlock?

And only then, according to Corinthians, can you accept Jesus into your heart.

Okay.

So it's not a warlock?

No!

This has been a complete waste of time.

What are we doing here?

You're never gonna leave Beth alone unless she agrees to get baptized, and she's never gonna agree, so...

Well, technically she doesn't have to agree.

Babies get baptized all the time without agreeing to it.

Father, what are you...

Are you saying we should trick her?

No, I'm implying we should trick her.

What? No!

If I do that, am I... am I gonna go to hell?

No, you're not gonna go to hell!

How do you know for sure?

Why do you ask so many questions?

Just have faith.

Have faith!

I don't have much of that.

All you have to do is fool her into accepting Jesus as her lord and savior, and then you just throw some holy water onto her, and you say, "I baptize you in the name"

"of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit!" Come on!

Great, okay, so I just need to get her someplace loud enough that she can't hear what I'm saying, someplace dark enough that she can't see that it's me, and someplace where I can just, like, douse her with water and she won't try and figure out what I'm doing!

That's... that's gonna take a f*cking miracle, man!

All righty.

I am off to Loud & Dark's for the wet t-shirt contest.

Mmkay.

Please don't steal anything while I'm gone.

Mm-hm.

I mean it.

Hope you win!

I hope so, too.

Oh...

Oh!

♪

How about this one?

Yup.

Or this?

Uh, either one.

What's up?

Nothing!

I just... you know my whole stance on Solids dating See-Throughs.

I... I just don't see why you're going through all this trouble.

Trouble?

Of forcing something...

... that isn't really supposed to be.

There's a ton of eligible ghosts out there, Sue!

I hear S*ddam Hussein is b*mb at eating box.

Oh, Millie, gross.

This isn't about just the sex.

Don't you believe in soulmates?

No!

But that's a really great name for a ghost dating website that I'm about to create, so thank you.

The point is, Kevin and I, we... we get along really well, but it's time to get physical.

You're right!

I'm sorry, it's... the whole dying on my period thing.

It's just... I'm just so hormonal, you know?

But I am really happy for you, girl.

Oh my God!

You would look so hot wearing a body wearing this.

You think?

Totally!

Let's just hope he doesn't fall for the sex vessel.

♪

Oh.

What are you wearing?

It's the only disguise I could find!

Hello, there.

Shabbat Salami.

I am looking to locate the manager of this fine establishment.

Well, you found him.

Oh!

Donovan Peters.

And you are?

Rabbi Peters.

No relation.

So what can I do you for?

Well, my friend, it's more what I can do you for.

I would very much like to emcee the wet t-shirt contest here tonight!

I emcee the wet t-shirt contest.

I understand. Maybe we can come to some sort of arrangement here, you know, we can have some sort of role-swap.

Uh, you know, I emcee the wet t-shirt contest and you can, uh, come to my temple and cut the skin off of baby penises.

No, I'm sorry, rabbi.

That's, uh... that's not gonna happen.

See, uh...

See, this place is my temple.

And the wet t-shirt contests are my weekly mass.

Oh, Donovan.

Donovan, Donovan, I had hoped it wouldn't come to this.

Either I emcee that wet t-shirt contest tonight, or you are going to get very, very wet.

Very wet.

Oh... really, dude?

You really wanna do this?

What are you doing... what are you doing?

The Lord's work!

In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti.

Amen.

Pater Noster...

Who's ready to see some t-shirts get wet?

(cheering)

(Father Michael speaking Latin)

♪

But ladies, I have one very, very important question for you!

Dost thou desire by faith in Jesus Christ to obtain eternal life through the church of God?

And who wants some water on their titties?

(cheering)

(Father Michael speaking Latin)

And I now baptize you...

(Father Michael speaking Latin)

In the name of the Father...

(Father Michael speaking Latin)

... and of the Son...

(speaking Latin)

♪

And of the...

Holy sh*t! Oh my God.

Get the f*ck out of my spiritual sanctuary, you God damn heathen.

Aw, f*ck!

f*ck! It was going so well, the whole thing was going perfectly.

f*ck!

(groaning)

God damn it.

Why must you test me this way, my Lord?

Ah, this is my fault, Father.

You know, clearly God does not want me to have sex with my girlfriend.

Kevin, God doesn't care if you have sex with Beth.

He just wants you to marry her first.

Yeah, I got a... I got a...

I got a little confession to make, Father.

Beth is not my girlfriend.

I see.

Yeah.

Well, how about you give me two "Our Fathers" and three "Hail Marys" and we'll call it even.

No, no, no, I mean...

I mean my girlfriend is dead.

All right: four "Hail Marys."

No, no, I'm not making myself clear.

My girlfriend Sue, she's a ghost, okay?

And... and Beth is just this very surprisingly accommodating woman that we met online who was willing to let my girlfriend possess her body while she was super high so I can have sex with it.

You understand?

How many "Hail Marys" are we looking at now?

I knew Beth had lost her way, but I didn't think she was this lost.

Pretty lost.

Well, I'm too late for her.

And I've been so consumed with trying to baptize Beth that I forgot about the most important tenet of the church: spreading His word.

Now that I'm a ghost, I can... reach all of those other lost souls and convert them, or at least try.

Well, it is a numbers game after all.

You can have your night of sin with Beth.

I'm not going to be bothering her anymore.

And... thank you, Kevin.

Uh, for what?

Helping me find my way.

Yeah. Yeah, you got it.

♪

So how much do I eat?

You eat the whole one.

Yeah, just, uh, don't waste it, okay?

That's all we have.

I'm gonna go check on Sue.

(giggling)

Okay.

Oh my God, you bought lingerie.

Yeah, you like it?

It's see-through to remind you of me.

I just don't want you to forget that I'm in there.

What are you talking about? I'm not...

Sue, hey.

This whole thing, the whole night is about you and me, okay?

That girl in there, she's, like, just some body we're using.

That's it.

A super hot body.

Yeah, she has a super hot body that you're gonna be inside of.

That we'll both be inside of.

(giggling)

Right?

Yeah.

Okay, okay.

Ew!

But hey, hey, listen, listen.

Honestly if you're uncomfortable or if you want me to call it off, I will call the whole thing off right now. Okay?

And she'll just be some girl in there having a horrifying mushroom trip all by herself.

No, I wanna do this.

You wanna do it?

Yes.

Ready or not, here we come.

Okay, so you're not ready.

Oh my God, I think she's OD'ing!

What? What do you mean, how do you OD on one mushroom?

Maybe it's poisonous!

Of course it's poisonous, Sue!

It's a magic mushroom.

The magic is the poison.

Beth? Stop, stop, stop!

Beth, Beth!

Stay with me.

Jesus loves you.

Father Michael?

Oh!

You didn't think I was gonna give up that easily, did you?

(screaming)

What's happening to me?

Shut up, you whore! Shut up!

Oh my God, I think there's a demon inside of her.

Should we call a priest?

It's a priest that's inside of her!

Well, uh, should we call a Satanist?

She is a Satanist, Sue. Keep up.

What?

♪

Oh my God!

Ah, ahh!

No, no, no, get back here!

Get back here with our sex vessel.

Thou shalt not steal!

♪

Father Michael!

No, no.

Okay, can you stop doing that?

You're making me nauseous.

You're making me dizzy.

♪

Dost I desire by the faith in Jesus Christ to obtain eternal life in the church of...

Ah, no!

Yes I do.

I baptize you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy...

♪

Ah, ah!

♪

Beth.

Beth!

Beth, wake up.

Hey, hey.

Jesus?

Jesus? No, no, no.

It's me, Pac.

No, not you.

(whispering voice)

♪

I never should have doubted you, my savior.

sh*t.

Kevin?

Sue!

Oh thank f*cking Christ you're here.

Beth, Beth. Sue's here. Come on, come on, if we're gonna finish what we started, we gotta do it now, okay?

Here, now.

I can't.

I'm sorry.

I made a promise to Jesus.

He needs me as his vessel.

Oh boy.

You really get around, don't ya?

♪

Oh God.

Damn it, do you think I should go after her?

I don't know! You think she'll change her mind?

Change her mind? No, I meant maybe I can get some money from her for the exorcism?

You think?

Oh.

Do you... do you want me to call the girl with the herpes tattoo?

No.

Okay.

Well, we're out of vessels, and we're out of dr*gs, so...

Maybe Father Michael was right?

Maybe I should be saving myself for you.

What, for marriage?

No, no, no, for death.

I mean check me out, I don't think I have much longer to go.

♪

Sue, I don't... I don't... we don't need to have, like, physical contact to have a real relationship, right?

I mean, we have a great time together, we've got each other, we spend tons of time together.

Like...

Totally.

Sex would be awesome, but we don't, like, need it, right?

Oh, right.

That makes sense, right?

Sure.

Yeah.

♪