01x03 - Prisoner

[bunniefuu]

Showtime.

Can I see your pass, Matthew?

Ian, it's me.

Very good. Anyone can find out my name.

Well, you're currently living in my flat.

You spilt orange juice on a guitar this morning.

Lucky guess.

Besides which, no-one actually needs a pass.

Have they given you any training?

Loads.

What do you have to do?

Sit in a little room, watch CBBCTV.

CCTV?

Yeah, that's it, yeah.

Then one of us goes for a little walk.

Right. Where?

Anywhere we like.

The Lake District, the Algarve?

Round the hospital, on patrol.

That doesn't sound too hard.

Probably as hard as what you do.

Really?

In fact, it's probably harder.

Do you actually know what I do?

I won't split hairs, but you say, 'Push,' and I say, 'Leave it.'

I say, 'Leave it,' sometimes.

Well, I say, 'Push,' sometimes.

I'm going to get you some DVDs.

Don't bother. Already got some.

Can I see your pass, please, sir?

No.

I'll have a go on that after you.

Have a go? You know it's not a fruit machine, don't you?

Hm. Thought I'd cracked it, beaten the system.

Oh, God, sorry!

What?

No, I just... I looked at your...

My chest?

What?!

No! Your PIN.

I'd never look at your chest.

Oh, thanks, good to know.

I'm sure it's very interesting.

Interesting?! Wow!

No, your hand. I saw the...

So now you know my PIN number.

No, I think I probably got it wrong. I made it 4679.

(Now everyone in the queue knows my PIN.)

Thanks!

So?

Hi.

Having a cosy little chat there?

I'm not sure I'd call that cosy.

A shame, really. I was just about to ask her if she fancied...

Oh. Over your limit?

Mm...

Probably for the best.

Payday's not for a couple of weeks, is it?

Is there any kind of system of an advance of...?

Oh, Matthew.

No.

OK.

Hey, is there any policy on staff relationships?

I can't condone sexual harassment in the workplace, Matthew.

I'd love to say I could, but I can't.

No, I just meant, if we were to have a little post-work drink one night...

Oh... Oh!

Yes, please.

I'm free at all of those times... and, don't worry, I'll bring my purse.

No...

Most men don't know the difference between a skirt and a dress.

A skirt and a dress?

All they need to know is one goes up and one goes down.

Hi.

Oh, Matthew, what do you call it when a woman is wearing something from the waist down?

Topless.

(GIGGLES)

I hate bullies.

Who's bullying you?

Mr Edward. He always makes out like I'm stupid.

You ARE a bit stupid.

If I'm so stupid, how do I know he just tripped me up?

Tripped you up?

Yeah, he kicked me dead hard in the shin and pushed me over.

Don't want to make a big thing of it, though!

That's unbelievable.

Hm...

Lisa, why's your patient not got a proper name?

A bit foreign, is it?

A bit difficult to pronounce?

I can pronounce it, Pat. It's zero-one-seven-five.

There's a police officer outside.

Oh, that'll be for me.

Looking for Matthew.

Inspector Levein.

Do I need to call a lawyer?

We're signing over a prisoner from Duckworth into your care.

Ah, prison number.

Prisoner zero-one-seven-five is about to give birth. She's past her due date.

Are we supposed to call her that or does she have a name?

Fraser. Agnes Fraser.

OK, well, there you go. Lovely.

Nicknamed the 'Man Stabber'.

We'll probably stick with Agnes.

Lovely. She's been allocated to Miss Lisa McGoohan, but we've requested you as an additional midwife due to your particular skill set.

I'm very flattered.

Because Agnes has some information we need.

And now I'm insulted. I have a duty of care.

That would go against... well, everything.

We're looking for a large Manila envelope.

Have you tried WH Smith?

You'll understand why I have to ask.

You'll understand why I have to say no.

No, I won't.

I knew you wouldn't.

I just thought I'd say that anyway.

Shame.

Nice pyjamas, by the way.

Hello, Zero-one-seven-five.

I'm Lisa. Nice to meet you.

Oh, yes... (NERVOUS LAUGH)

Do you have a birthing partner with you?

Goldilocks.

And some guy who says he's security intelligence.

Oh, sorry about that.

I've had a litre of the old isotonic power drink. Straight through me!

Ian, are you officially assigned to this?

I'm hospital security.

Well, that's a big fat no, then.

Let's find you a room and get you some pain relief.

Erm, I can open beer bottles with these.

Yeah, so can I.

They're hands.

Oh, Luke, if you've got a second, could you explain something to me?

Yes.

The daddy cuddles the mummy and makes a tiny baby in her tummy.

All clear?

Very good. Thank you.

Yes, it's about Tash.

Oh, I see.

Are you in love?

Am I? No.

Has she broken the hospital?

No.

So it's neither hilarious nor serious. Should I care?

I'm concerned with the way she's being treated.

Treated for what?

Not FOR anything.

There's nothing wrong with her.

(LAUGHS)

Ha! Come, come!

Let me make this quite clear. I don't think you should be kicking midwives.

Oh, you're no fun.

Or indeed tripping them up.

Spoilsport.

So you're not denying it, then?

Of course I'm denying it, you... twerp.

What, are you saying that Tash just...

Makes things up? Yes.

And if you want to avoid being sued for slander, I suggest you check for evidence before swooping in on the man, hm?

There, that's much more civilised.

Oh? OK.

It's all right. Quite used to the chunky jewellery.

Right, so...

♪ Chhh-chhh-chhh!

(RELAXING MUSIC)

She's got a lot of chill-out music on her playlist.

They use it to stop the riots.

Well, in that case, then...

How did you do that?

I'll tell you what... if we ever end up locked in a van together because of some conspiracy, and the van driver's been k*lled, and we're about to be pushed off a bridge into a river, then I will tell you.

Fair enough.

Oh, hello. I know what you're doing.

You want me to go into labour cos you think I'm gonna cr*ck.

I tend not to use that word at work.

They want some information from me, and they reckon pretty boy here is gonna wait till I'm in pain, and I give him everything they want.

Pretty boy?!

Yeah. That's a bit - what's the word? - emasculating.

Well, you're wasting your time, ladies!

(YELLS)

(She's OK with no cuffs, right?)

Yeah.

You never know, but I don't think she's the type.

What's your type, then?

Do you always go for butchers?

(CHUCKLES)

Er... no. No.

Ryan is my first butcher.

Generally speaking, I mean, do you like tall or short or...

Yeah, Ryan is tall, I suppose.

He's tallish.

6'2".

Is he?

Mm.

Doesn't look it.

I tend to go for men who don't feel like they've a point to prove.

And Ryan's like that?

Er, yeah, I don't know what happened there. Little glitch.

Is that your nickname for him?

No.

What's your type, then?

I don't know... dark.

Sinister?

Brunette.

OK. And... um... what shoe size?

I have no idea. What was Cinderella?

She was six-and-a-half.

Oh.

That's the same as me.

Well...

(CLANGING)

Down!

Sorry.

Biscuit tin.

Oh!

Wow. Sorry.

(STRAINS)

Call it a draw.

Aye-aye.

Hey?

I said... aye-aye.

Are you a sailor?

No, miss.

Temporarily acting as a security guard.

So you're an actor?

No. Police officer.

Just can't wear the uniform at the moment.

Undercover?

Under... suspension.

You're Matthew's mate.

You got me. Bang!

Double tap to the head.

You'll know about our prisoner, then?

Oh, I'm on it. I'm all over it.

(Well, here's what I heard.)

(Matthew told Lisa, Lisa told Caitlin and Caitlin told me that they want Matthew to get some top-secret information out of her.)

I didn't hear a word of that, I'm sorry.

(The Inspector wants some top-secret information.)

(They want to know what she's done with a large vanilla envelope.)

Top-secret? Sounds like a job for hospital security intelligence.

Or the police.

Ahh! The sooner I cr*ck this case, the sooner I get my badge back.

Well, you didn't hear this from me.

Yeah, I did.

No, you didn't.

Not the first time, but eventually I did.

(No, you didn't, OK? You didn't.)

I don't want to argue about this, but I did!

No, you didn't!

Oh, my God!

I felt I had to call you in here for an appraisal.

OK. You do know we've left Lisa alone with a... convict?

Oh, dear. Have we?

I mean, she seems very nice, but...

Nibble?

No, thank you.

That's... (CLEARS THROAT) Is that incense?

Um... no.

No, it's a desk stick.

(SIGHS)

All right?

Oh, yes.

Erm, now, I have to run this team and it's my job to stay on top of you... on top of things... on top of things related to you. OK?

I get the picture.

Now, stern face.

Erm... your first week has had some ups and downs.

Mrs Cheung sent a lovely thank-you card, but her husband did mention that you were a bit stary.

Like I said, I've never known a Korean man look quite so much like Carlos the Jackal.

It was uncanny.

Talking of uncanny...

Mm... when you do think we might go for that drink?

Right...

First week of May?

Yes. That's eight months away.

Yeah. Could I go? I'm a little bit worried about Lisa.

Oh. No... Well, just wait.

Wait. Wait!

Bombay mix?

I'm not really a spicy... person.

I'll swap you the pedicure voucher for the luxury box of finest Belgian chocolates.

If you've got champagne, we can start talking.

No. (GASPS)

But I do have this bottle of very fancy liqueur.

'Balsamico?' No chance.

Taste a bit vinegary?

Edward.

It's quite nice, actually.

Ah... Tasha, I have just had the great pleasure of meeting your bodyguard.

My what?

Your champion, your defender, your guardian angel, your white knight.

Where did you meet all them?

In this very hospital.

Suffice to say, you will NOT go running to tell tales in future.

Apart from the fact that the tales were untrue, nobody likes a canary.

I'd LOVE a canary.

A weasel.

Yeah, I like them.

A rat.

Yeah.

A stoolie.

Don't like the sound of that.

No. Nobody likes a stoolie.

She used to be in D Wing.

Mm...

Changed her name... from Gordon.

No way!

She was lovely.

(SIGHS) Agnes, have you ever had a really possessive boyfriend?

Yeah, I have.

What happened to him?

Oh.

Routine maternity ward sweep.

Ian, that's not even a thing.

Any g*ns or knives to declare?

No.

Good. That's good.

Agnes, if you feel anything start to shift, you give Pat a call, OK?

I'll be back in ten.

(MUTTERS)

Yeah, that all looks good.

Just over here a minute.

This might seem highly irregular, but I've been watching you on CC telly.

I can tell by the way you work the room you're a pro.

And this is coming from someone who's spent 15 years on the streets.

You were homeless?

Police force.

Don't like to talk about it.

Anyhow, my point is - where's your backup?

I don't have backup.

What?!

Let me get this right.

They leave a highly attractive female prison officer...

Thank you.

You're welcome.

.. alone with a dangerous convict?

I need to go for a walk.

Whoa... Don't you stress yourself out with this.

Have a biscuit. There you are.

Let me handle this situation.

Not allowed.

Come on, it's Cuban night tonight at the club.

I'll buy you a mojito, extra minty.

(SALSA MUSIC)

OK.

Oh, yes!

Ooh, salsa!

Right. Time we had a little talk.

No? OK. I thought that one would work.

Maybe we could try the third one again.

Second time lucky.

You OK there?

Hi. Yes, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I've got some cash somewhere, actually. In my... In my past.

I'll get this, and I'll lend you 50 to get you through the week.

No, listen, I can't take money from you.

Look, I don't want you getting low blood sugar and passing out in some poor woman's popsie.

OK, well, if you're going to put it like that.

Thank you.

Thank you.

(PHONE RINGS)

Midwives' room.

Oh, hi, Ryan. Er, I don't know.

Oh, yeah, I do. She went to the cash machine again.

She said she were giving somebody a bit...

About 500 quid, I think.

To one of the other midwives, yeah.

I can't tell you his name.

Cos she said.

How do you know it's Matthew?

I mean, it isn't, Ryan.

Ryan!

That was not good.

What is going on?

He said he was going to come down here and...

Well, it was... It was just...

It wasn't really words, just noises.

Has Lisa paid Matthew £500?

Yeah. Don't tell Ryan, though.

Unbelievable!

What's going on?

She wanted a walk.

What's with the handcuffs?

You can't take chances with a psychopath.

So why is she handcuffed to one?

Not HIM.

The devil woman!

Oh, Pat.

Agnes, are you a psychopath?

No.

There you go.

Don't go stretching it out, missy.

Once you're done, it's straight back to the slammer.

That's really not helping, Pat. Let's get those cuffs off, shall we?

You'll have to go through me first.

I could go through you, if I wanted, Pat, believe me.

Try it.

I might. Don't push me.

Can you two stop flirting? I just felt another twinge.

Sorry. 18 months with good behaviour, you get to keep your baby.

I'm just trying to keep your nose clean.

Think of me as a big tissue.

No talking to my prisoner.

She's not YOUR prisoner.

She's in my care.

Right, you... tell me about the vanilla monolope.

What?!

God help us!

We won't be long.

Don't screw this up, Ian, for her or for us.

Roger that.

That's right.

Stay back.

Only because I want to.

Have you seen Lisa?

Yes, I have.

Where is...

Delivery room four.

Jesus...

Where?

Oh, Matt. Oh, Matt, mate!

Oh, you look nice today.

What have you done?

Don't get intense, OK?

What have you done?

I can't find her.

What?!

I knew you'd get intense.

You've lost the Man Stabber?

What did I just say?

I've not lost her.

Do you know where she is?

No. She's missing, yeah.

But these types, they're slippy. I didn't stand a chance.

Apart from the handcuffs that you insisted on?

Intense.

You... (GROANS)

We have to find her before Levein knows she's missing.

So much for good behaviour.

They'll overlook it because of her condition.

Not hers, YOURS, you galumphing numpty.

What's happening?

He lost her.

What?!

I haven't lost her.

You know you said not to mention the word 'Matthew' to Ryan, like, ever?

It might have slipped out over the phone.

It's getting better by the minute!

He was, like, growling.

You told her not to mention my name to Ryan?

Did I? No, I don't think I did.

Could we all just focus on finding the escaped lady?

Come on!

OK, ladies, I should make you aware that we're in the privileged position of having a male midwife on our team.

Obviously, anyone who has any qualms about it, perhaps it would be a good idea if you met him first.

He should be through here, room four.

Lisa! Oh!

I'm gonna k*ll her. I'm gonna k*ll her.

Could I have a female midwife, please?

Me too.

Yes.

It's OK. He's a butcher.

That didn't help.

There she is.

Agnes!

Freeze!

Where have you been?

I went to the toilet.

You want an in-depth description?

Slippy, see?

I told you I went to the toilet.

I didn't hear you.

You answered.

Did I?

I asked you for the keys to the cuffs.

Yeah...

You asked why. I said it was urgent. I needed the toilet.

Oh. I thought you said something else.

What did you think she said?

I don't know.

That she needed to oil it.

Great. I'm glad we cleared that up.

There you are!

Anyway, panic over, everybody. Nothing to see.

Lisa! Lisa!

Oh, I knew it. I knew it.

Oh, God, Ryan...

No, no, no.

Get away from her, you ponce.

Ryan, not here.

No, I've got this, babe. I've got this.

Remember what happened with the arcade manager. It wasn't worth it.

Hello. Want to go for a little talk?

Don't say 'talk'.

Oh, he wants to talk?! Nah, he wants to have a talk.

I'm a man, yeah? Men don't talk.

Ryan, don't do anything stupid.

A bit late for that.

Oh, my days. Oh, my days. You never learn, do you? You never learn.

I know she gave you a monkey.

She...

No monkey, I swear.

Leave it!

Oh, yeah.

Oi, butcher! Word of advice.

What, go easy on him cos he's a girl?

He may be a girl, but he's MY girl.

And mine.

What?

You never ever listen, do you?

That's how talking works.

When one person talks, the other person listens.

Why is there a bloody body in my bloody corridor?

A bloody body with a bloody nose?

I'm so sorry. This is my fault.

You did this?

Well, no.

But then who did do it?

Oh, no, me. I... I did it.

Sorry. I got carried away.

Right. Who would have thunk it?

You, sir, will face the music.

In the meantime, can we get this man a medic?

I would help, but he's not got any of the 'bits' I'm good at.

Excuse...

Come on.

Wake up! Come on, wake up.

I need you conscious, so I can dump you.

Ryan has been arrested for wearing a butcher's apron in a maternity ward.

I didn't know that was a law, but there we are.

I hate to break it to you, but he's not longer connected to me.

I've given the butcher the chop.

Really?

Oh, no! He was our primary source for chipola-tays.

I know. I don't care.

Is this because you've had your head turned by one of the other team members?

Who? Pat?

I'll say no more, except more work and less flibberty-jibberty, eyelash-fluttery chitchat.

I reserve the right to speak to who I want, Caitlin.

Oh, and do you know what? I've been waiting for three years to say this.

It's pronounced Cath-leen.

What is?

Your name.

No, it's Caitlin.

Cathleen.

It's MY name.

It's MY language.

Is that right... Ly-za?

Oh, OK. So that's how you want to play it, is it?

Game on.

Oh, and it's pronounced 'chipolatas'... Cathleen.

Liza.

Cathleen.

Liza.

Cathleen.

LIZA.

Come on, then.

There you go, little fella.

It's a beautiful baby.

Aw!

There you go.

Aw!

I might call him Matthew.

Really? That's so nice.

I'm joking, you soppy tart.

I turned my life around in prison.

Met a nice bloke. Alan.

Prison shrink. He'll stick by me.

I used to have a guinea pig named Alan.

Really?

No. Ha!

So...

Hello.

Sorry I missed the moment.

Everything OK?

Oh, hello.

Hey...

(CHUCKLES)

Have you thought of a number for him yet?

Did you dump that plonker?

I certainly did, Agnes. Yeah.

Really? That's... I'm very sorry to hear that.

What a... bad thing.

Go on, admit it.

They wanted you to find out about an envelope, didn't they?

They did say something.

Cops always thought it was dr*gs money.

They never did find that envelope.

Stupid cops.

Was it drug money?

Maternity pants. Present from a friend.

I took one look at them, and they were so stupid, I sealed it back up and threw it in the canal.

Quite right.

Same canal I threw that body in!

(LAUGHS)

(CACKLES)

(NERVOUS LAUGH)

Alan says humour's a good way of dealing with the situation.

I guess Alan's not the one in the canal, is he?

Yet!

(SUSTAINED LAUGHTER)

(MANIC LAUGHTER)

Very nice.

Oh, you noticed.

How could I not?

Do you mind if I have a little play?

Be my guest.

OK.

Oh, yes! What a treat.

You've gone for the nickel.

Very nice.