01x06 - Separate but Equal

[bunniefuu]

Jack (V.O.): Previously on BIG TIME...

I can get you your money. I just need a little more time.

I know it's not enough! Please! Please, guys! Agh!

I think Cuba just got kidnapped!

We're gonna have to have a little talk.

What?

Oh!

It's been a bad week!

You think?

If you really want out, there's the door!

So long, brother.

(DOOR BELL RINGS) Ben?

I'm clean.

All right, everybody, listen up.

This investigation just went federal.

(CLOTH TEARING) Holgado!

I can get you the money! You know I can!

Holgado...

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

When I was a girl, my grandmother gave me a pet turtle.

I named him Guillermo, but unfortunately he was not friendly.

No, no, no.

Holgado: He would snap at you if you came near.

All I wanted was to pet him.

So, little by little, I got closer every day.

First his shell, then his foot... then his head, and finally, I pet my Guillermo.

Over time, we developed a connection.

Trust... until one day, he bit my finger.

(BONE SNAPS) Agh!

(BLOOD DRIPPING) Oh!

Agh!

Ssh.

I never fed Guillermo again, Mr. Gooding Jr.

I watched him die.

It is never wise to bite the hand that feeds you.

Lucky for you, Mr. Gooding Jr., you are worth more to me alive.

Holgado: Mr. Chavez will take care of your wound.

Agh!

♪ Rainbow whoa oh whoa oh ♪
♪ Rainbow

I... I just don't understand, Benjamin.

How can you possibly be clean?

It really seems quite incredible.

Well, I feel incredible.

But you still need time in the rehab facility to heal.

Yeah, your mother's right.

Recovery time is a very important thing.

It's also an extremely expensive thing...

Okay, okay, guys, guys...

I know this is hard to believe... but for the first time in my life...

I'm actually excited about my future.

Um, something happened, last night, that I don't want to talk about... but I had a revelation.

I realize that I want to be the son that gets a job... and opens a bank account, and learns how to do laundry.

You know? And, maybe I meet a nice girl... and we fall in love... and we have a couple kids, and they would be your grandkids.

Right?

They would be.

It sounds crazy, but it could happen.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

I just want to be the son that you guys can finally be proud of.

But Benjamin, what about Jack and those crazy videos?

Crazy videos.

Those were the dreams of a child... and not the dreams of the man that I want to be.

Well, maybe it's time that you dress like the man that you want to be.

I'll get you my suit.

(BUZZER SOUNDING)

JACK (V.O.) Dolfe Brother Studios, formery Dolfe Brothers Studios... needs your help in funding our new movie.

Now that we've shed the dead weight, let's meet the new team.

I'm T. Jackson Dolfe!

Ace cameraman Del Plimpton!

And introducing, P-P-P-Petey Goldberg!

All we need is $1.5 million. Donate now.

Why does it still say zero dollars?

We're missing something.

A trailer.

We need to sh**t something. It's gotta be awesome.

We need explosions. We need action.

We need Petey weightlifting.

We need Del, you jumping off tall stuff.

We need to give the people a taste of what's to come.

Yes!

Yeah!

Don't touch him, we'll get in trouble.

Okay.

Okay.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh...

Big day!

Jack: All right, Del, suit up!

Unfortunately, Mr. Dolfe, I didn't receive your resume.

Did you happen to bring a copy?

Oh, I don't have one of those... but I did just graduate from rehab, though.

From what?

Drug rehabilitation.

Okay.

Looks good, Petey. Looks good.

All right, zoom in a bit.

Looking good, Del!

It looks pretty far, Jack.

Just remember to lock your knees.

It's gonna look weird if you bend your knees... when you hit the pavement, 'cause you're a robot.

Okay.

So just lock your knees, land!

Lock your knees, land.

Lock, land, lock, land.

All right, ready?

And... action!

Lock.

(LOUD CRUNCH) (DEL SCREAMING)

Oops.

Welcome to Big Deal Mart, it's a beautiful day.

Welcome to Big Deal Mart, it's a beautiful...

Oh... hey.

Hi.

You remember me? I checked to see if you got r*ped.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

My name's Darla.

Del.

(MUSIC FADES UP)

My lady...

Oh!

Thank you, my sir.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hi, my name is Ben Dolfe.

No, I don't have a resume, okay?

Del, where the hell are you, man? You're like 20 minutes late.

I thought you'd been in like a horrible car accident or something.

Yeah, no, no, I'm just, um...

Ah, [BLEEP].

I'm working late.

All right, well, just get here when you can.

I've been practicing on the dummy.

I think it's gonna look really great.

So if people don't pay you, I break their legs?

Can I give them a strong talking to?

I won't even tell anyone!

Wait, wait...

Can you tell it's not Del?

Oh, damn it!

Where is he?

Hi, Pumpkin.

Let's go riding.

Ooh.

Yes, yes!

Del: Let's go this way!

Darla: Okay.

You cheatin' tub of [BLEEP]!

prost*tute: Hey, baby, you want to go out?

It's pretty simple, really.

People come in here, they watch the movie... and, you know, do what they do, maybe get a couple tugs in.

Sometimes they spray the walls.

And you get to clean it up. Got it?

Yeah, okay, yeah.

Now why the hell are you wearing a suit?

Oh, I was, um, dressing like the man that I wanted to be.

Oh... well, the man you are, wears this.

Now good luck!

(DEL AND DARLA LAUGH)

Oh, I have brain freeze, I hate that.

Me, too.

(MOCK LAUGHING)

Jack... I was just about to call you.

You know, I've been working late all week...

I don't want to hear it.

Who are you?

Del: I'll make up for it, Jack.

I don't want you to make up for it, Del.

I don't want you near set... and I don't want you near Petey.

Del, what is this?

Shut up, bitch.

Hey, come on.

Oh, my God.

Del: Jack, leave her out of this.

Okay.

When you least expect it... he will betray you.

Jack...

What just happened?

I think I lost my best friend.

Oh, that stinks.

All right, let's go through this again.

This is Isabella Holgado... one of the most notorious drug traffickers in the world.

And this is Marco Chavez, Holgado's right-hand man.

Now we know that at approximately 6:00 p.m...

Harvey Scoles, a local private investigator hired by Diana Dolfe... is staking out a B and E that Del Plimpton and her two sons commit... at a school teacher's residence, for reasons that are still unclear.

In or around the same time, in the very same house, Chavez shows up.

We know this, because Scoles was able to sh**t a photograph of him.

Some time later, Scoles takes an explicit photo and sends it to Diana Dolfe... with whom he is apparently been having an affair.

Her husband, Alan Dolfe, sees it, leaves a threatening voice-mail.

Now Scoles ends up with two b*ll*ts to the head... which someone makes a pathetic attempt to cover up... to make it look like a su1c1de.

I want to know why the private investigator that took Chavez' picture is dead... and how Holgado is connected to it.

Well, it sounds like an open and shut to me on the husband.

Guy gets pissed off, uh, wife's cheating, loses his cool... kicks in the door, maybe he says something like...

"You [BLEEP]ed my wife, now prepare to get [BLEEP]ed by my g*n!"

Pow! sh**t him dead.

What about Chavez?

Maybe the husband paid Chavez a boatload of cash to k*ll Scoles.

Hmm.

Or, maybe it could've been the wife... black widow situation.

Says something like... "I sucked your [BLEEP], now prepare to suck my g*n."

Pow! She blows him away.

What about this Del kid? What do you think of him?

I interviewed him on the Staats case.

Weird dude.

Maybe he kicks in the door, "I'll suck your [BLEEP] before you suck my g*n!"

And he's got this real deranged look in his eye... and he's just screaming his head off.

Agh!

Agh!

All right, no more hypotheticals.

What the hell does a cartel have to do with a local, suburban family?

I don't know, um, maybe we could bring 'em all in on RICO charges for conspiracy.

Nah, I think we'd need more information.

Go home, Zdorkin, kiss your wife.

We'll get a fresh start in the morning.

What about you?

(MALLOY SCOFFS)

I kissed my wife goodbye a long time ago.

Get some rest.

Petey! Petey!

Hey! Oh, Petey... good news, my man, you are getting a promotion!

Oh, hey, Jack.

Hey.

Well, this is awkward.

Why is this awkward?

This whole video thing just... isn't for me.

Okay... Petey!

We are gonna go 50-50, okay?

When that $1.5 million comes in...

Come on, Jack!

You haven't raised a single dollar in two weeks.

You're 30 years old and what do you have to show for yourself?

This crappy apartment and a sad dream.

When are you gonna wake up?

Wow... you just set a pretty, big bridge on fire, my friend.

I gotta get home.

You don't gotta do this to yourself, man.

There's still time.

Get the [BLEEP] out of here, Petey.

Jesus Christ!

(DISTANT DANCE MUSIC BOOMING)

(SLOW CELLO MUSIC PLAYING)

(NOTIFICATION TONE ON COMPUTER)

(CONTINUES PLAYING CELLO)

I had no idea you knew how to play the cello.

Do you want to be my girlfriend, Darla?

Oh, God, yes!

Little bitch!

Ptew!

Okay.

Ken: Welcome to the scintillating world of toilet cam videos.

Now for me, toilet cams in public bathrooms really go hand in hand.

So... so what am I... what am I editing?

Oh, no, it's more of a blurring process actually.

The toilet cam industry thrives on a certain voyeurism... and I don't have the permission from the people in the videos... to use their faces, and that's where you come in.

Yeah.

And it's just the faces, do not blur genitalia.

Okay.

But let me be perfectly clear.

If you blur one vag*na or one penis...

I will [BLEEP] fire you. Do you understand?

Okay, so just sort of blur this.

Yes.

With this... Ben?

Whoa, Ben! He's working at the p*rn theater.

That's the p*rn theater?

Ben: Oh, God.

That is a nice sh*t.

Happy Thanksgiving, sweetie!

Happy Thanksgiving.

Alan: Which is why you should never get a 30-year adjustable.

What was that, a spit-ay, Dad?

Look who's here!

He... hey!

What's up?

Nothing.

Well, all right, let's eat! Dinner's on the table.

Turkey time!

Let's strap on that feedbag.

Hah-hah!

It looks like the turkey just showed up.

Cool shirt.

Thanks, Dad took me to his guy.

So how's everything at the firm there, Ben?

You know what? It's really good, really good.

I mean, I'm still low man on the totem pole... working my way up.

Alan: Sure. But for the first time in my life, my work means something.

And I'm getting the respect I deserve.

Oh, Ben, that's wonderful.

I am counting on Ben here for my retirement.

I got you.

Diana: Don't be so hard on him, Alan, he's just getting started.

Hey, I just want a house in Hawaii.

As long as you keep it under 2.5... that's million with an M.

Diana: Oh, Ben...

That is so funny.

Yeah.

You know what?

I was just thinking, I don't really know that much... about your firm, what is it called?

Law-Fice.

It's called Law-Fice?

Law-Fice.

Wow, that's cool. So, what is that?

Is it kind of like Law and Office combined? Is that what they did?

I wouldn't know. I wasn't there when they named it, Jack.

Well, so... and what's your boss' name?

What do you care?

I don't know, I was just curious.

I thought, you know, maybe I know him.

What's his name?

Mm-hm.

Patrick.

Oh, yeah, Patrick? Patrick what?

Stuffington.

Is it? Is that his name?

That's his name, Jack.

Is it a coincidence that you're sitting right there... next to some stuffing when you said that?

I just got a new job, too, actually.

Uh, yeah, I'm working with Bill Cranberryface.

Hmm, he's working there.

Oh, so is Phil Mom-son, and Steve [BLEEP]head?

They're right there, too.

Jack, Jack! What has gotten into you?

Jack: God, I have a great job.

I don't know, I'm gonna go out on a crazy limb... and say that maybe like the toilets you've been scrubbing... you're full of crap!

Jack!

No, d... Mom!

He's lying, so don't even pay attention... because he's a liar, he's Jack the liar!

Oh, yeah? I guess I'm mistaken then, Ben.

I guess you're not the janitor at the p*rn theater.

Is that right? (GASPING)

Ben, what's he talking about?

I, uh...

Ben?

Yeah, Ben!

What am I talking about?

I don't know what you're talking about... because my boss is Peter Cranberry...

How do you even know that?

Because, I have a job editing toilet cam videos... and I saw you scrubbing a toilet!

Oh, God, Jack, that's disgusting!

Yes, it is.

It is the grossest thing you 've ever seen in your life.

But you know what? At least I'm not a phony liar!

At least I didn't give up on my dream!

So I could clean up someone's stale semen!

I mean, what is wrong with you?

What dream is this, the delusional one?

Because I caught your little Flix Starter video.

It sucked.

Tell Mom and Dad how much money you raised.

$25, that's not $2.5... there's no point in the middle.

Screw you, man.

Yeah, screw me, it's sad, really.

It is, that no one cares about your life's work... and that you've become a lousy... worthless... hack.

Agh!

Jack, no! Stop!

I'm gonna get you!

Boys, stop it! Don't, you guys!

I'll k*ll you! I hate you!

Oh, my good lord!

Agh!

Oh!

Get back up!

Oh, my God, boys! Stop it!

Oh!

Oh!

My God!

What's up now?

Oh... he's got a w*apon!

Call the police!

I'm going to! I'll do it now!

I could have k*lled you!

That's it, guys!

Hey, janitor!

Stop! Do something! No! No!

Jesus Christ! What is wrong with these people?

Boys!

(ALL YELLING)

Alan: Now stop it!

All right!

Boys!

Please, boys, you're brothers!

Not any more.

Jack...

Let him go!

Why did you lie to us?

I don't know, who cares?

What about the two-bedroom in Aventura?

I live in a studio above a strip club... on Washington.

Oh, Ben.

I'm out of here.

I'll get some Tupperware.

Malloy: Zdorkin?

Zdorkin: (ON PHONE) Yeah.

Malloy: It's Malloy.

Oh, hey, happy Thanksgiving.

I need a favor.

I need you to pull me a warrant for surveillance... on the Dolfe home.

Okay, I'll get right on it.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Do you have any questions?

If I do this, we're square, right?

Square.

Okay... but I'm gonna need you to find somebody for me first.

Oh! Wait, wait, wait, wait!

No!

(TIRES SCREECHING)