01x05 - Christmas in July

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Your Family Or Mine". Aired April - June 2015.
Based on a popular Israeli comedy, "Your Family Or Mine" revolves around Oliver and Kelli, who are living proof of the adage, "When you marry someone, you don't just marry them, you marry their whole family".

It is a family comedy with an unusual structure - each episode focuses on a different side of the family: one week featuring the couple dealing with Kelli's family, the next spent with Oliver's.
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01x05 - Christmas in July

Post by bunniefuu »

Oli, do you think we "dance" enough?

We never dance. I hate dancing.

No, remember?

The code word we came up with so we can talk about sex stuff without the girls knowing?

Oh, right.

"Dancing." [Laughs] Love dancing.

Slow dancing, fast dancing,

"surprise you in the shower" dancing.

"Forget to lock the bathroom door" dancing...

Yeah, that was my bad.

This says that 40% of couples dance four to five times a week.


Who older than 25 dances that much?

Readers of this magazine.

Yeah, but you can't believe that.

Look, they also say you can restore your virginity with "these five easy stretches!"

I'm just asking if we dance enough.

I love dancing!

I'll dance with anyone, anywhere!

No, you won't!

Not until you're married!

And definitely never without protection.

You mean like a helmet?

Yeah, actually.

It is like a helmet.


Man: Okay, everybody, look at me.

Hello, hello!

Man, I hate saying that when I don't have to.

I still think it's so weird your mom insists on taking your Christmas-card photo in the middle of summer.

She says we all look fat in the winter.

Come on. That's not true.

We both have sections in our closet labeled winter pants.

Hello, hello.

Hello, hello.

Who wants a candy cane?

Both: I do!

Is everybody getting into the Christmas spirit?

Because if you're not, it will show on the card.

I am, Mom.

You made the Christmas cookies, right?

They're in the kitchen.

I love July Christmas.

This year's card has to be perfect because last year's card was a disaster.

Everybody at the club said they loved it.

And that's not good?

No, it means they thought the card was mediocre.

If they really thought it was great, they'd have felt threatened and said nothing.

That's what I'm hoping for this year.

Well, good luck.

And I picked up our matching Christmas sweaters, and they are beautiful.

Hello, hello.

Hello, hello.

Hello, hello.

Oh, my gosh! I love your skirt.

Thank you. I bought it special for the photo sh**t.

[Both chuckle] Hmm.

Hello, hello, Ricky.

Oh, hello, hello, Claire.

I must say, it was very smart of you not to change into your photo-sh**t clothes until right before the picture.

I still like it.

[Sighs] You know what?

It's okay because I came prepared this time.

I brought three outfits.

'Cause she's got to like one, right?

Hey, Mom, did you make the Christmas cookies?

They're in the kitchen.

All the way in the kitchen?

Man, I had a really tiring day today at the hospital being a doctor.

I'll bring them right out to you, honey.

And that is how you do it.

Hey, I found my Santa hat. [Laughs]

That insurance guy's gonna think I'm crazy.

Oh, I don't think you need the hat for that, Dad.

I don't understand why you let your firm schedule your insurance exam today of all days.

Oh, it's gonna be fine.

It won't take more than 10 minutes.

It's really not a big deal, Mom.

Some rent-a-nurse will come over, prick him, draw some blood, and collect some urine.

Maybe, if he's lucky, I might introduce myself.

Probably make his day to, you know, meet a real doctor.

Or ruin his day to meet a real douchebag.

[Cellphone beeps] Oh, shit.


My sister's coming over.

Not Dani.

Yes, Dani.

She needs to get my spare key.

She lost hers again, either at a club called Sexxx with three X's or Throbbb with three B's.

Honey, Blake is here.

Dani and Blake cannot be in the same room together.

Don't you remember what a disaster it was when they dated?

She ended up throwing him through the front window of a RadioShack.

I know. And they had like four pregnancy scares.

In three weeks!

How is that even possible?!

You got to just give her the keys and get her out of here.

For sure.

We can't let them ruin your family's weird summer Christmas.

Okay, I'm gonna occupy Blake upstairs.

I'll tell him he gained a few pounds.

He'll spend the next hour planking.

[Fingers snap]

Hey, Dad, when does the "murse" get here?


It's short for "man nurse." "Murse". I invented it.

I thought "murse" meant "man purse."

No way. I just came up with that.

You have no idea what you're talking about.

They're gonna find weed, you know.


When they test my urine, they're gonna find marijuana.

Blake and I went mini-golfing yesterday.

And, uh...

He smoked me out in his car.

What are you talking about?

Mini golf... golf that's mini.

I know what mini golf is, Dad.


But it's a pretty big deal to have dr*gs show up on your firm's insurance exam.

They're not gonna do anything to my insurance policy.

I'm a superhero down there.

You've been paying into this policy for 40 years.

You really want to take a chance by flushing all that money down the drain?

Think about Blake.

He might need that money someday.

If something happens to you, what's he gonna do?

Well, he's pretty good at mini golf.

[Doorbell rings]

Heyyy! Here are the keys.

Now go cut up your shirts or whatever it is you do for fun.

Is fun.

So can I come in?

I wanted to say "heyyy" to everyone.

Yeah, now's not a good time.

We're doing our Christmas-card photo.

You know, 'cause people get kind of fat during the winter.

True. Like Santa.

So, is Blake here?

'Cause I broke up with Dylan this morning, and I maybe wanted to say "heyyy."

Yeah, I think it's best that you leave and don't say "heyyy."

Blake: Dani?



Blake. Heyyy.

What happened to the planks?

He heard Dani's voice.

I swear to God his ears sh*t up like a hunting dog.


You look hot. [Chuckles]

I've been working out three times a day.

You look hot, too.

I weigh less than I did in middle school.

Oh, wow.

Have you guys not seen each other since the breakup?

Yeah, it's been a long time.

I'm totally over him cheating on me.

Uh,<i> you</i> cheated on<i> me</i> with that Belgian deejay with the face tattoo!

Because you slept with my best friend!

Well, I didn't know she was your best friend until like halfway through!

You're a d*ck!

You're insane! I can't believe that you do this all the time!

Okay! That's enough!

Wow. You really do work out three times a day.

Okay, you're done, get out, go home.



That was close.

I swear if we weren't here, they would have just done it right in the doorway.

That used to be us.

What are you talking about?

We didn't fight and scream at each other.

And you and I only had two pregnancy scares.

And they both live down the hall from us now.

Not that part.

We used to not be able to keep our hands off each other.

As insane as they are, there's something nice about their passion.

Honey, that's not passion. That's psychosis.

I got this. You ready?

We're gonna call this rent-a-murse and we're gonna reschedule for another day when the dope is out of your system.

Whatever you say, son.

What were you doing getting high with Blake anyway?

Well, everybody was doing it.

I didn't want to feel like a dork.

P.S... You were already a dork.

You were playing mini golf.

If you're so worried about this, why don't we just use your pee?

I wish we could. Mine's tainted, as well.

A little advice... if you ever find yourself with a friend named Shermanator, the brownies on his countertop are not just brownies.

So, I'll get the number of the insurance guy from mom.

What time's he supposed to get here?

[Doorbell rings]

Ricky: The insurance man is here!

I think right about now.

Oh, hey. You must be the murse.

Excuse me?

You know... male nurse.


"Murse" is short for "man purse."

No, it's not. It's short for male nurse.

I made that up, okay? Feel free to spread it around.

I'm not gonna do that.

Okay, well, you can head right on upstairs. My dad's ready for you.

If I were you, I'd wait to do the urine sample till the end.

He's pretty dehydrated.

I'm a doctor, B.T. Dubs.

I don't give a shit, B.T. Dubs.

[Clears throat] Hi, Ricky. I changed outfits.

I think this one is much better.

Oh, is that different?

Hey, Claire, I need a favor.

Would you mind peeing into a coffee mug for my dad?

Oh, man, I really want your parents to like me, but I got to draw the line at weird sex stuff.

Come on, honey. This is just so he can pass his drug test.

I wish I could help, but remember last week when I said I borrowed sugar from the neighbors?


It wasn't sugar.

It was weed, and I smoked it!
Hey, guys, dad needs to get his urine tested for his insurance policy.

Got a little sitch on our hands right now.

He h*t the O.G. kush with the B-man.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

You know, he got blunted, dude.

Still not following.

Your dad toked the ganj with B-town.

Oh, well, that I get.

Well, we need clean pee, and we need it now.

Can you please help?

Actually, we went to the Darius Rucker show on Saturday so we probably shouldn't.

Did anybody in this house not get high in the past week?

Hi, Dad.

I think I heard a wild animal outside in the bushes.

Did you hear a wild animal outside in the bushes?

Uh, nah, we're all good out there, bro.


What are you doing here? I thought you left.

I did, but... I got lost.

Blake found me in the bushes.

He's like a hero or something.

Oh, my God. Did they just have sex out there?

Of course they did.

Hey, buddy. Do you need to pee?

Dani, you really have to leave this time.

No coming back, no getting lost, no sex in the backyard.

It wasn't sex. It was just a cazsh-y beej.

Why is nobody speaking English today?

Casual blowjob.

O-kay. Cazsh-y beej. Kind of like that.

You can't be with Blake.

Bad things happen. You know that.

I know. I know. You're right. We're not good together.

You have to go home. You promise?

I promise. Okay.

My God, they're like animals.

We should do that.

We should do what?

Have sex in the backyard.

You know, to up our passion.

We used to do stuff like that all the time.

Listen, I'm all about upping our passion.

But I don't know if I could do that.

I've got some beloved dogs buried back there.

You're talking about d*ad dogs?


That just cost you a cazsh-y beej in the backyard.

Hey, son. The nurse gave me this.

I don't know what to do with it.

All right, you ready to see what a genius I am?


I got Jason Jr. in the bathroom peeing into a coffee mug right now.

You're gonna take that mug, do a little [Whistles] and ba-bam. Bitchy murse gets back into his '92 Subaru with a clean old cup of kid's pee.

Wait a minute.

You farmed this out to your 8-year-old son?


I am so proud of you.

Of course you are, Dad. I'm a doctor.

Here you go, Dad.

Great work, little man.

You just earned yourself an "NBA 2k" game.


Hi, Ricky.

So, will this go with any of the sweaters?




Closer, though.


Did you end up getting the pee?

Right here. Jason Jr.

Are you sure it's clean?

Dani: Can I slice you some cheese?

Did you just hear that?

Blake: I'd love you to slice me some cheese.

You got to be kidding me.

Dani, get out here.

What's up?

What are you doing?

And how did you get back in?

Are there more doors in this house than I know about?

She came in through the old cat door in the den.

You fit through a cat door?

I know, right?

We just discussed this.

You and Blake can't be together.

Blake and I were just talking about that.

When we were together before, it was so long ago.

And now we're older and more mature.

It was a year and a half ago and you just entered the house through a cat door.

I don't think it's gonna be the same as it was before.

We have a much deeper connection now.


Your rack is ridiculous.

I know. Your biceps are insane.

I know.

Wait. You're kind of conceited.

You're the one who's conceited.

[Laughs] What are you even doing here?!

This is my house!

You think you own everything, don't you?!

Oh, my God! We're back to this?! Really?!

Okay, you don't own me!

No, you are crazy!

I don't know what you're thinking!

You... oh!

[Gasps] You stabbed me!

Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Ohh! Oh!

Oh, that's too bad. That was some clean pee.

Ricky: What in the world... oh, my God, what happened to my baby?

Mom. I'm okay, Mom. It's nothing.

On three. Three.

Oh! Ooh!


What the hell just happened?

Dani stabbed him.

It was an accident.

What are you even doing here?

She's leaving right now and not coming back.

I'll block the cat door.

Okay, byeee. Merry Christmas.

And, Blake, I just wanted to say that... he's gonna be okay.

She didn't get him that deep. It's just a minor flesh wound.

Kelli, you and your violent Irish family...

Oh, for God's sake.

And could someone please explain the urine?

Claire, I assume that was you.

It was.

What? It's just easier.

Claire, I need you to go to the upstairs bathroom, get me some alcohol, gauze, and a 2x2" band-aid.

Yes, Doctor!

I love it when she does that.


Maybe that's what we should do to up the passion?

A little role-playing.

I'm a doctor, you're a nurse.

Why do you get to be the doctor?

I want to be the doctor. You can be the nurse.

That's insane. I would be the doctor.

And this is why we don't role-play.

Ricky? It was me.

It was you?

Jason: Yes.

Dad smoked a little bit of weed and he needs clean urine or else he won't pass his insurance physical.

Is that true, Louis?


Oh, for God's sake. Give me that.


Wow. Speedy Gonzales.

Now we will never speak of this again.

Here are the items you asked for, Doctor, stat.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, my God, she can't stay away!

I told you to go home!

Oh. Photographer's here.

All right, get in. Come on in.

You can set up right here.

This is for you right here, my father's urine.

I supervised him.

And in case I didn't mention it, I'm a doctor.

You did. Three times.

Well, your services won't be needed anymore, Murse.

Thank you for your time, "Dicktor."

What's that?

"d*ck doctor" "Dicktor."

No one will ever use that.

Oh, I think they might.

All right, I want you all to go upstairs and get changed and be back down here for the sh**t in two minutes.

Mom, are we really still wearing these sweaters?

Well, why wouldn't we?

Because they're all soaked in urine?

It only got on one.

Which one?

I can't believe Dani stabbed Blake.

I can't believe <i>all</i> Dani did was s*ab Blake.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You sure you need to put that on right now?

What are you talking about?

I don't know. Do you maybe feel like...



Yeah. Why not?

And you... [Sniffs, groans]

Where are Kelli and Oliver? What is taking them so long?

I sent Jason Jr. up to find them.

I couldn't find uncle Oliver and aunt Kelli.

But I think that wild animal I heard is now in uncle Oliver's old bedroom.

Hey. Sorry we're late.

We were, uh...


Dancing. Exactly.

Well, it certainly took long enough.

Yeah, it did.

Uh, everyone, ready?

Okay, everyone, look fabulous.

Okay, how about this... college professor and student?

And you can be either one.

Okay, I'll be the Professor.

Ohh, I really wanted Professor.

How about I'm a bored housewife and you're a hot gardener?

Hot gardener, yeah. I could maybe... wait a second.

Do you have a thing for Ramon?

No, of course not.

Oh, I have a good one.

Let's be 24-year-old Oliver and 24-year-old Kelli.

[Gasps] I love that.

I think I still have my juicy sweatpants.


Oh, and I still have my Weezer concert tee.

Yeah, this is gonna be so fun.

Ha ha!

Hey, kiddos, lights out at 8:00 tonight, okay?

Both: Okay.
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