01x07 - What Dreams May Come

[bunniefuu]

Diana (V.O.): Previously on Big Time...

This is Isabella Holgado... one of the most notorious drug traffickers in the world.

(BONE CRACKS) Agh!

Hey...

Hi.

Del: Let's go this way.

Darla: Okay.

Maybe, like the toilets you've been scrubbing... you're full of crap!

Stop, boys!

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

What the hell does a cartel have to do with a local, suburban family?

And if I do this, we're square, right?

Square.

And here amidst our beauty and bounty... let us not forget those less fortunate.

Amen.

Amen.

Beautiful.

So, Vanessa, how's med school?

I just have a year left, one year.

I don't mean to brag, but she is top of her class.

Don't brag.

Please brag, please.

All right, I'll brag. No, you are, I have to brag.

Okay. Come on.

Well, honey, what about you? Arguing your first case in front of the Supreme Court?

It was difficult, of course, arguing against my childhood friend Del Plimpton... but his justice was swift... and subsequently he was m*rder*d in prison.

Yeah, what a shame. Well, life goes on.

Jack: It does.

And Benjamin, the campaign trail is just doing wonders for you.

Luckily the trail hasn't taken the toll that I'd expected... but there definitely will be some obvious sympathy weight that I'll be gaining.

What?

Claire's pregnant.

Oh!

Oh!

And that's where it ends.

Diana, it is very common to have fantasies or dreams... about our ideal lives.

I have a dream about the boys, as well... but in mine they're the strange mixture of centaur and a saber-toothed tiger.

What do you say we bookmark that. I just...

I want to finish with Diana's thoughts, okay?

Consider it done.

Diana, you speak so frequently about your disappointment with Ben and Jack.

I wonder if you might want to redirect those feelings and focus on how to accept them... as the people that they are, and not the people that you expect them to be?

I guess that's what I'm struggling with.

Then you have to ask yourself, "What do I ultimately want?"

Well, I love them, you know, I love them so much.

But I guess what I ultimately want is for them... to be healthy and happy and... safe.

Agh! Agh!

(THEME MUSIC FADES UP) Help!

♪ Rainbow whoa oh whoa oh ♪
♪ Rainbow ♪

Ugh... help.

Who's there?

Oh, my God, my name is Ben Dolfe... and I've been kidnapped and I just need help!

Please call my parents!

Oh, great... you're just the person I wanted to see.

Jack? Jack, is that you?

You can see?

No.

Oh, my God, take this bag off my head, Jack!

Yeah, I have a bag on my head, too, Ben.

Ah, great...

I can only imagine what you did to get us kidnapped.

I didn't do anything! What did you do?

I didn't do anything. Maybe it's because you got Jimmy Staats k*lled.

Remember that, d*ck Head?

Are you calling me a d*ck head... or you calling Jimmy a d*ck head?

Because it's pretty hard to tell where you're putting the comma.

I'm calling you a d*ck head, Jack! You! No comma!

(LOUD THUD) Agh!

Okay, Alan, let's talk about you for a second.

How would you describe your sex life?

[LAUGHS] Excuse me?

It's okay, Alan.

Now Diana has told me you've been slightly inhibited in the bedroom.

But that lately, you're really starting to open up.

Well, um, it has been liberating having the boys out of the house.

I'm sure it has been.

Alan: That's good.

And Diana also tells me that recently you've been inquiring about threesomes.

Not to put you on the spot, but... she says you find me very attractive.

(GIGGLES)

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

Yeah!

Oh, gosh. (DOOR BELL RINGING)

Yeah!

Alan: Be right there!

Oh! Ow! Ow!

Get down! Get down!

Alan: Down! Ah!

Just puttin' something away!

Hey.

Hey.

Did I catch you at a bad time?

No, no, gosh, no.

Wow, what the heck is that?

Oh, just my way to say, "Nice to meet you."

I'm new in town, and I thought it'd be a good idea to get to know my neighbors.

That is so sweet.

Oh... Alan Dolfe.

Uh, Bruce Jenson.

Hey, come on in, Bruce!

I'll go open this up. You just make yourself at home.

I don't mind if I do.

I don't mind if I do.

Alan: So, Bruce, what do you do?

I'm a photographer!

Alan: Neat! You know, I was thinking on getting my real estate headshots updated.

Alan: Uh, I think that's why I haven't been selling.

Mallory: You know, I can help you with that.

Put the cheese onto the cr*cker, 'cause someone hates the turkey.

(GIGGLES)

It's the last one, you take it.

Let's split it.

Okay.

Oh, sh**t, I gotta get back.

Mm.

I'll see you in an hour, okay?

Mm-hm.

Welcome to Big Deal Mart, it's a beautiful day!

I'm in love!

Ben?

What?

I was just making sure you were still there.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Jack, I'm sorry that I called you a worthless hack... and I'm sorry that I said your Flix Starter sucked.

Whatever.

No, seriously, like, it was awesome.

You already made it pretty clear what you thought... so you don't have to humor me.

I'm... I'm not humoring you, Jack.

I donated the 25 bucks.

Ben: You know, I...

Jack, did you hear me?

Jack, did you hear what I said? I mean, do you even care?

Yeah...

Are you okay?

Ben: I appreciate that you did that.

Jack... are you crying?

Unh-unh.

Oh, no, buddy, hold on, I'm coming. I'm coming.

It's okay, pal. Where are you?

Ow, you hit me... hug it out, ow, you hit me in the head.

Squeeze your head to the right.

Drop in...

Y-you're my... you're my big b-brother.

It's gonna be fine. I love you, buddy.

(TIRES SCREECHING) Whoa! Agh!

Jack: Your arms are crushing my head!

Ben: My arms are tied behind my back!

Cuba?

Cuba!

That's it!

Did you kidnap us?

Yes, I did.

Oh, it's so good to see you!

Y'all must be rattled from that kidnapping.

Oh, wow, thank you. Cheers.

Cheers.

Listen, I'm sorry about that.

You know, we had to be secretive, because of the paparazzi and stuff.

Oh, you mean what happened at the house.

Exactly! It was a diversion from the real paparazzi.

Yes, you see? I told you that we weren't just robbing some random guy's house.

Hey, listen, I got some good news for y'all.

Yeah.

We gonna make a movie.

Who gonna make a movie?

What?

We gonna make a movie.

Wait, what... are... you want to make a movie with us?

Of course, I want to make a movie with y'all!

I've seen all your stuff online!

Oh, my God!

You've seen all our stuff?

All of it!

Cuba's seen all our stuff.

Oh, my God!

Are you effin' with us?

Are you effin' with us?

Y'all got vision!

Oh, my God.

And I already got a financier... lined up.

Oh, my God, there's money!

She wants to make a movie with cops and bad guys, and sh**t-outs.

You know, action! Maybe a massive drug deal at the end.

That is the best stuff in movies!

That's the best stuff.

Yeah, she wants to start right away.

You guys got anything like that is all we have!

That is all we have.

That is great!

We can write a script immediately!

Tomorrow?

Let me think.

Absolutely!

Yeah!

Cheers in this mother[BLEEP]!

Cheers! We're cheers-ing.

Now, Alan, the other day we talked about Diana's dreams.

Um, yeah.

Well, what are your fantasies?

(CHOKING)

Sorry, that just went down the wrong pipe.

When you dream, do you think about this?

Do I think about what?

Agh!

Are you alright?

Alan, you fell asleep.

That's actually very easily triggered by stress or nerves.

Stress and nerves.

Diana also tells me you have trouble urinating while standing.

Uh... I prefer to sit.

Alan: It's just... I would have a bowel movement when I urinate.

Poor bastard.

It's safer to do it sitting down. I'm sorry, but it's safer.

Damn!

Ho! We are making a movie with Cuba Gooding Jr.!

Yes!

Don't get me wrong, I am super excited there with you.

But, are you a little concerned that we promised him a script that we don't have?

Yes, we did. I did not think about that.

Okay, how long's it normally take us to write a script?

Probably... two to three years.

That's why we usually sh**t without a script.

Do you think we can do it in 12 hours?

I think we can freakin' try.

Let's make some coffee!

Oh! I don't know how.

Me, neither.

Okay, let's go get coffee!

Get coffee!

Yeah, we should catch a movie, too.

Oh, yes!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Ooh!

Here we go!

All right. We have got one night to write our magnum opus.

Are you freakin' ready?

I'm freakin' ready!

(LAUGHING)

Well, what about a cop drama?

All of a sudden, one of the cops is banging the other cop's wife.

This is a good looking woman.

Maybe we'll get like an Angelina Jolie or a Gwyneth Paltrow or...

Tracey Ullman.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Whoa, Del, a penny!

I've never found a lucky p...

(TRUCK HORN HONKING)

Agh!

Oh, Darla! Darla! Darla!

Whoa, that was a close one.

Oh, my God, I thought I lost you.

Never.

(MUSIC FADES UP)

Oh, my God, it's in 3D.

With the glasses on, Yes. all you see is dongs coming at you...

Yeah, yeah... in the midst of a fight scene.

And it's just whappin'

3D wiener fight.

He comes in, she goes, "What are you doing? You're in my house!"

I'm just gonna freakin' say it, what if the partner is a chimp?

Absolutely not!

If there is a chimp in this movie, I walk!

On a ladder dangling from a helicopter being flown by... wait for it!

What?

His estranged partner!

His estranged chimp partner!

No! No chimpanzee!

Why?

Why?

Because it's just beneath us!

All right!

I know you brought this up before, but what if the partner is a chimp?

At this point, we're fighting it if he's not a chimp!

That's it! He's a chimp!

He's a chimp!

He's a chimp!

(MUSIC STOPS)

We cut to... Butler driving a sweet boat into the sunset.

He turns and says...

Who's got two opposable thumbs and loves you like crazy?

This guy.

I'll see you when I see you.

Is that it?

Yeah.

The end.

(CUBA LAUGHING)

Oh, [BLEEP]!

This movie... incredible.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, man, I mean a...

A buddy cop movie with me and a chimp?

Well, it's tasteful, it's definitely tasteful.

Yeah.

Tasteful?

I said let's add a tasteful touch.

Do you think y'all could direct this movie for a small budget?

Yeah, no doub... I mean...

Yeah, for a small...

I mean...

How much of a small budget are you talking about, Mr. Gooding?

Could you do it for...

Money... money talks, Cuba.

Five million?

I'm sorry, what did you say?

Five million dollars.

Do you have any sevens?

Go fish.

(LOUD BANG)

Show me the money!

Dollar, dollar bills, yo!

Diana: What is going on?

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

No, no, no!

That's disgusting. What in tarnations? Stop it!

Oh!

Jack: Oh, my God!

Alan: That's HD!

Jack: It sure is, bitch!

Jack, what is this all about?

Oh, we're making a movie!

For $5 million!

Oh!

Pierre!

Now, Dad, that is real human hair... and you are going to get a letter from its donor... every single month.

Alan: What is this movie all about, Jack?

Diana: Yes, it's not p*rn, is it?

Ben: Would Cuba Gooding Jr. do p*rn?

Cuba Gooding Jr.?

Alan: Cuba Gooding Jr... he was a Nutty Professor.

Jack: No, that's Eddie Murphy.

He's the one where those white men can't jump.

Yeah, Zdorkin, listen, I need a favor.

Can you pull me up everything you have on Cuba Gooding Jr.?

Oh, g*dd*mn it, Zdorkin, yes, the Academy Award-winning actor!

Oh, look, a sh**ting star.

Darla: Whoa, cool.

That was pretty scary the other day when I got rammed by that truck.

Yeah.

Del? Do you ever think what you'd do if you didn't live here?

Del: I don't know, sometimes.

Oh, come on, tell me. I won't judge you.

Well, do you know Flamingo Rapids?

In Orlando?

Mm-hm.

If I could be anything, anything in the whole world... and no judging?

Unh-unh.

I'd be Fanny the Flamingo. (GIGGLES)

Why do you want to be Fanny the Flamingo?

I went there once when I was a kid, and I remember running up to him... and then I was surrounded by all these other kids, and we were all shouting his name.

Then I reached out and I touched his hand and I felt this... surge of positive energy washed over me.

It was like... electricity running through my body.

And for the first time... I felt special, I guess.

It's the same feeling I get when I think about being with you, Darla.

I love you, Del.

I love you, too.

What if we move there?

Just you and me, together.

What, right now?

Well, yeah, we'll go back, pack our bags and meet at the bus station in an hour.

That sounds crazy.

Well, Coo-coo-coo-coo, cah-coo-coo-cah-cah... yeah, it is, but we gotta do it!

Let's do it!

Ben: How do you like that goulash!

Is that goulash good?

I did some digging. There are rumors about your boy, Cuba.

Looks like he had a little bit of a habit.

Owed a distributor upwards of a million dollars.

Want to take a guess as to who?

Holgado.

Bingo.

There's something going on here, Zdorkin.

Something just doesn't smell right about this movie.

We need somebody on the inside.

A snitch?

Someone I could put pressure on.

Someone I can control.

(HUMMING)

Oh, hello, can I help you?

Going somewhere, Mr. Plimpton?

Orlando.

I think you better have a seat, son.

Why?

Because we might be here for a while.

Busted.

So, we have an understanding, right, Del?

You're working for us now. See you tomorrow.

Ben: Plimpton!

Jack: Yo! Where you at?

Ben: Where you at, bitch?

Ow! g*dd*mn it!

What the hell is wrong with your door?

Ben: We'll buy him a new one.

Well, well, well...

I had every intention of coming in here today and kicking your ass.

But I'm not gonna do that, Del.

No.

Nope, because I'm a big man... and I realized something, that we both did some things.

I broke your legs, you broke my heart.

Let's let bygones be bygones.

Because I got some good news, buddy.

We are making a movie with Cuba Gooding Jr... and we want you to be our camera man!

Yeah!

He's friggin' speechless.

He's speechless.

What do you say?

What is this?

What's with the suitcase?

Were you... were you going somewhere?

No, no, I was not.

No, I was not going anywhere.

DEL (ON VOICEMAIL) Hi, it's Del Plimpton, please leave a message.

Mother[BLEEP]!

Piece of [BLEEP], [BLEEP]sucking...

[BLEEP]-loving, [BLEEP] assh*le-stuffing... piece of [BLEEP], [BLEEP] d*ck head... loves to suck a [BLEEP] big [BLEEP] piece of [BLEEP] garbage [BLEEP] pile!

[BLEEP]!

Did you get that scene I sent you?

Good. That'll be the target.

We'll play out most of the movie, build up the buzz... make it feel legit, then you make your move exactly as they wrote it.

The director?

Oh, God, look at this!

Yes!

These are trailers!

They're perfect.

This is fake!

What do you think? You ready to make a movie?

Ben: Oh!

Huh?

We have been waiting for this our whole lives.

Oh, man... oh, wait, wait, when do we start?

Now.

Now!

We start now.

We made it.

Oh, my God, so could you just get me a coffee when you get a chance?

Jack: Cream, a little sugar, bring it to my trailer.

This is mine!

Oh, hey, Del, you take this one.

It says Men's Restroom.

Jack: Yeah, we'll add a "slash-Del".

Jack: Could somebody add "slash-Del"?