01x02 - Dead Possum

[bunniefuu]

Hi, mom.

Marc, it's your mother.

Yeah. I know, mom.

I'm just calling to tell you that Kyle is very excited to meet you today.

Who?

Kyle... Sheila's grandson.

You were gonna talk to him about a career in comedy.

Oh, is that today?

Why do you always make these arrangements?

I-I... there's no such thing as a career in comedy.

Well, he's very excited to meet you.

I shouldn't tell you this, but Sheila had a drinking problem in the early '70s.

Yes, you manage to get that into a lot of conversations.

You have a cold?

No, there's some bad smell in my house, and I can't figure out where it is.

Check the garbage.

I checked the garbage, mom.

How's Vic?

Oh, he's driving me crazy with his prostate.

He pees too much.

He can't pee.

It hurts when he pees.

I don't know what to do.

This Florence nightingale bit is really not my thing.

Oh, and his daughter is bisexual now.

But you know who's really got it bad?

David weiss.

You remember him?

Of course I remember my ex-wife's father.

Well, you've been married so many times, I didn't know if you'd remember.

Twice, mom.

He's got cancer, and it's terminal.

Oh. That's horrible.

Oh, my god.

He was so healthy.

I think they get it worse.

God, he ate right.

He took vitamins, ran compulsively.

Everyone dies from something.

Why do you always get off on telling people bad news?

What did I do this time?

I just haven't seen him in like 15 years.

It's horrible.

I feel bad for Steph.

You should feel bad.

You just like spreading gloom.

Marc, I don't like spreading gloom.

I'm just trying to make conversation.

Okay, okay.

You make it very difficult to know what I can bring up with you.

All right. I get...

Okay, I'm sorry, I guess.

So, you gonna be nice to Kyle?

Who?

Kyle!

I just told you about Kyle.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I will.

Thank you.

And there's no reason to bring up his grandmother's drinking problem.

That was a long time ago.

Okay, mom.

♪ Won't fall for it ♪
♪ you can't see ♪
♪ and you can't tell ♪
♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪

About six month ago, I'm with one my best friends.

Yeah. We drop the gloves and start punching the sh*t out of each other at center ice.

Like full on... Yep.

And I know it sounds insane, but basically, he had it coming.

That doesn't surprise me.

Why?

Y-you seem like a guy who would kick some ass.

Not... I mean, I've... like, my new year's resolution is I'm not gonna get involved with fights with cab drivers anymore.

I'm too old.

Really? At fifty... fifty-what?

55.

Good for you. Turn over a new leaf.

A new leaf.

Growing up finally.

I mean, you've got...

You must have some great fight stories from working in the clubs.

No. No. I don't. I don't.

I-it's amazing to me, actually, but I've never been in a fight ever.

Never been in a fight at a comedy club after doing a set and pissing people off?

Never been in a fight anywhere.

What, are you some kind of a p*ssy or...

Want to take it outside?

You gonna talk to me like that in my garage?

I'd love to go outside with you.

All right, well, maybe I overstepped.

Yeah. I'm not a p*ssy.

You know, I'm... maybe I'm right on the p*ssy cusp.

But I'm not...

I'm a diplomatic person.

Okay, "diplomatic" is a p*ssy word.

You're a p*ssy.

All right! Okay! I get it.

You think I'm a p*ssy.

You just let me call you a p*ssy twice to your face.

Okay, if you want to frame it that way, fine. Suit yourself.

I think it's part of the...

The male makeup, and I think it's reflected in animal society, too.

Like, we have aggression.

We're supposed to get it out.

That's why we create sports where you hit each other.

That's why we invented the hammer, so that we could pound sh*t.

Right.

It gets your aggression out.

You know what I mean?

It's healthy.

It's good for your self-esteem.

How's your self-esteem?

It's okay.

I mean, I hate myself.

But that's where I get it out.

I b*at myself up.

Okay, you literally, since the first time I met you, have hated yourself.

You have not advanced.

I'm much better at it.

Really?

But you've advanced like an inch.

You need to be expressing that anger.

You're too angry.

I'm too angry?

You're... denis leary is gonna tell me I have an anger problem?

Oh, my god.

You're gonna die.

You're gonna have a massive heart att*ck from pent-up anger...

And the ice cream.

Yeah, you're gonna die on the ice because your friend...

I hope... I hope I die on the ice.

Thanks for doing the show, buddy.

Not a problem, pal.

It was great.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, listen.

I'm getting a little concerned about you.

Concerned about me? Why?

Yeah. Because I'm looking around inside the garage.

There's like a million self-help books.

I think I saw a joni Mitchell album.

All right, all right, come on.

Ease up.

Ease up with this already.

There's no joni Mitchell albums in there.

Just 'cause I don't fight or play fantasy football doesn't make me any less of a man.

Okay, don't you own like 100 cats?

All right. Yeah. I do.

I-I can't defend the cats.

Hey, what's that smell?

Oh, you smell that?

Yeah, that is...

That's putrid, man.

It's been going on for like weeks.

I don't know what it is.

I was just gonna, you know, ride it out.

What?

There you go.

I didn't even know that came off.

It's the opening to the crawl space.

You don't know what a crawl space is, do you?

Just take it easy, fake fireman.

Oh, boy.

Oh, yeah.

You got a dead animal in there, man.

Dead?

Yeah, looks like a possum.

Oh, gnarly!

Yeah.

Who do I call to deal with this?

You don't call anybody.

You go in there, you grab it, you pull it out and throw it in the garbage.

Want me to do it?

No, no.

I'll deal with it later.

I'm gonna go in.

No, I'll deal with it later.

I'll deal with it later.

You're gonna deal with it later.

Yeah. What, do I got to do it in front of you?

I'll deal...

I'll crawl under there later.

Yeah, sure you will.

Good luck with that.

Steph?

Hi. It's Marc.

Hi.

Hey, I-I just heard about your Dad.

Yeah, you know, I-I... I can't even imagine what you're...

What you're dealing with over there, and...

Yeah.

I just... I just wanted to call to say that I'm sorry that you're going through that.

Yeah.

I'm okay.

No, thanks for asking.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's... it's good to know.

Okay.

All right, well, take care of yourself.

All right. Bye-bye.

Uh, yeah. Hi.

Uh, this is Marc, uh, in highland park.

I think you cut my, uh, lawn.

I don't know for sure.

This might be someone else's card.

But I have sort of an odd request.

I-I believe there's a dead...

Hello? Hello?

Jose Luis, this is Marc Maron in highland park.

I have a dead possum under my...

Hello?

God damn it!

Yeah?

I'm Kyle?

My grandmother's friends with your mom?

Are you asking me?

So, what do you hope to do out here?

What do you want to be?

Well, eventually, I want to write, direct, and produce my own stuff.

Mm-hmm. Like apatow?

Yeah, before he got shitty.

Right.

Yeah, I have a lot of ideas.

Yeah. Like what?

Seriously?

Yeah. What do you got?

Uh, well, I'm working on this movie idea for will ferrell, Malcolm mcdowell, and McLovin from superbad."

It takes place underwater but in the future, so it's heavy on cgi, and it's hilarious.

So what's it about?

Oh, whoa.

Pump the brakes, you know.

Still in preproduction.

But you get the idea, though.

Yeah, it sounds like you're in the right town, and I wish you the best of luck with everything.

But I got nothing for you.

No, no. Marc, wait.

Uh, uh... I'm sorry. I'm an assh*le.

I don't know what you were expecting from this.

I mean, my mother thinks I'm Mr. Hollywood with all these connections, but obviously, that's not true, or I wouldn't be doing a podcast.

I love your podcast. I listen to it all the time. I'm a huge comedy fan.

Look, I don't know exactly what I want to do, but I know I want to be in the business.

I don't know what my mother said to your grandmother, but I got nothing for you, kid, okay?

I could be your assistant.

You know, I could... I could run errands, lick envelopes, help you write jokes.

No.

Not that. Yeah.

But I could feed the cats, you know, answer fan mail.

I could... I could live here, I guess.

So then it's just like, "Kyle!"

And I'm right there.

All right, all right, slow down.

Okay.

All right, I appreciate it, but I don't need an assistant, and I can't pay an assistant.

Pay me whatever you can.

You know, I'm already on unemployment.

My parents pay for my cellphone.

Dude, I need this.

I'm 25 years old.

This is it for me.

If this doesn't work out, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I mean, I've been living with my mother for the last three years.

I'm suicidal.

All right, that's a little dramatic.

You don't know my mother.

Yeah, but generally, you want to leave "suicidal" off the résumé.

Look, I'd do anything for you.

Anything.

Really?

That's right. Anything. Mm.

All right, would you, uh... Would you take a b*llet for me?

Absolutely.

Would you lie in court for me?

Yeah, sure. Who cares?

Would you move a body for me?

Hell yes, d...

Wait, a dead body?

Animal body.

Yes, I can move an animal body.

Well, Kyle, you got yourself a job.

Whoa.

So you can, like, crawl under here?

Yeah, that's why they call it a crawl space, dude.

You don't know what a crawl space is?

I do now.

All right, look.

I'm gonna do the hard stuff.

You're just backup, okay?

Oh, yeah. You see that?

Just what I thought.

It's a dead possum under there.

We're gonna have to go in and get it.

You with me?

Yeah, man.

All right, we're gonna need some stuff.

I... you know, what have I got?

I got a... I got a rake.

I got one of those...

Orange grabber things.

I've got two beach buckets.

Yeah, I don't think any of that stuff's gonna do it.

Look, I think we're gonna need coveralls, gloves, masks, possibly head gear, definitely a better flashlight...

Hey, we're not going into outer space.

Don't they have, like, a dead-animal-grabber tool?

Um, I could Google dead animal grabber."

Let's go to the hardware store.

So... so don't Google dead animal grabber" or...

Okay, I'm coming.

I'm not sure, we looking for, all right? Exactly?

I'll know it when I see it.

Is it this?

No. Just relax. Chill out.

Can I help you guys with anything?

No, we're good.

Yes, please.

We are trying to retrieve a dead possum from a crawl space.

You know what a crawl space is, right?

Yeah, they're pretty common.

Oh, perfect.

Then you know what we're talking about.

So, what do you think we'll need in the way of tools and/or retrieval equipment?

We were thinking a dead-animal grabber.

You know what? We're fine.

We're just gonna look around.

It's no big deal.

If you're going under the house, you're definitely gonna want some gloves and coveralls.

Yes! Nailed it!

Really? We need coveralls?

Wow. 28 bucks.

Why is it so cheap?

China.

Wow, you think you'd see more people wearing these around.

You do. On work sites.

I'd wear these anywhere.

Very cool.

Respirator mask.

You'll be kicking up a lot of dust under the house.

And hantavirus.

Oh, check it out.

"Ideal for working with lead, asbestos, toxic dusts, "fiberglass, ammonia, formaldehyde, certain acid gases, and hantavirus."

Boom! Nailed it again!

Really?

No.

Oh.

How are you fixed for flashlights?

Uh, I think I got one.

You can never have too many flashlights.

Xenon.

Practically see these from outer space.

Oh, that'll be good for when I need to signal the aliens to pick me up.

Anything else I can help you with, fellas?

Oh, you know, is there some sort of special receptacle for the carcass when I take it out?

Right. Excellent. Okay.

Oh, what is that?!

That's cool!

Bug-zapper racket.

No way!

This place is awesome!

Look at all these possibilities.

I'm already exhausted.

Do we need anything else?

Well, you know, since my wife left, I kind of let things go.

Maybe it's time to rebuild, take charge.

Yes, absolutely.

Look at this.

You can replace the entire guts of a toilet for $8.

The toilet broken?

No, man, but you got to get a jump on this stuff.

You got to do it before it breaks.

Garbage disposals.

Look pretty badass.

One horsepower.

Three grind stages.

This stuff doesn't just dispose of food.

It eats and digests it.

Yeah, and check out that warranty.

Yeah, it lasts for as long as you live.

Oh, nail g*n!

I've been needing one of these forever.

Everything has to be re-nailed.

Yeah, you know, I could use one of those, too.

No, don't get one.

You can just use mine when I'm not using it.

Really?

Thanks, Marc.

Oh, a hummingbird feeder.

Those are super easy to put up.

My father-in-law used to love these things.

My ex-father-in-law.

He had a bunch hanging outside the dining-room window so he could watch them while he ate.

I just heard he was dying.

That guy treated me like family.

And then I repaid him by treating his daughter like sh*t.

I broke that guy's heart.

I guess there's no fixing it, right?

That's sad, man.

Can we just get back to buying cool sh*t?

We doing this?

Yeah.

I think we should get something to eat first.

Yeah. Tacos?

Definitely. Yeah.

Man, this hot sauce is delicious.

Yeah, I don't usually eat this many carbs, but tomorrow's my cheat day, so if I make today my cheat day, and then tomorrow, I'll just have, like, legumes, Kale, I should be all right.

I don't know what any of that means.

Oh, you will.

Have a good one.

Hey. Yeah, you too, man.

Cool.

Work union!

All right. All right.

It's time to do this.

Wow. These gloves are nice.

I've never felt so equipped to do something in my entire life.

You could almost wear these in the snow.

Let's go. Let's do this.

Let's get under there.

Let's get that rotting possum corpse.

All right, I'm going.

All right.

I'm going.

All right, we doing this?

Let's do this.

All right, all right.

Easy.

I'm going in.

Whoa, Marc.

I don't think your mask is on tight enough, man.

It's fine.

Okay.

Marc, I'm just saying, if that mask is not sealed perfectly, there's a chance you could die.

I know. Hantavirus.

Hantavirus, plague, asbestos poisoning, mesothelioma.

Whew.

What happened to let's do this"?

Look, I read on yahoo!

This girl on vacation in yosemite d*ed of hantavirus.

And she wasn't in no crawl space.

She was in a cabin.

All right, fine. Fine.

I'll do it just so you'll shut up.

Come on!

sh*t! sh*t! sh*t!

I hate this sh*t! sh*t!

Whoa. You're freaking out.

No sh*t!

Why can't I do this?!

Every other guy can do this!

It's my Dad's fault!

Ne never showed me how to do this stuff.

He never showed me how to throw a football.

We never went camping.

I can't fix anything.

He was supposed to be around when I was a kid.

He was supposed to show me how to do this crap.

And then he just...

He just left, with no explanation, no apologies, nothing.

It was neglect, man.

It was neglect and abuse.

I was molested at sleep-away camp!

What?

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean for that to come out.

I think I got caught up in your energy, and then it just...

I don't think I've ever said that out loud before.

Y-you want to talk about it?

No.

You sure? I'm here for you.

Yeah, no, I think it's a sit-down conversation problem.

Yeah, yeah, it's definitely a sit-down conversation.

All right, let's... let's get back to this.

Let's... let's focus.

We're gonna get the possum for both of us.

Yeah, get that g*dd*mn thing, Marc.

I will, buddy.

And b*at the sh*t out of it.

That's a little weird.

Sorry. I'm the stupidest.

Mr. Marc! Mr. Marc!

Jose Luis.

You got my message.

Your phone machine's screwed up, buddy.

You needed me?

Yeah.

There's a dead possum under the house.

Oh, no problem.

I get it for you.

Oh, cool.

Hey... hey, you know what?

It's a three-man job.

We'll do it together.

Ah, it's okay.

It's a one-man job.

Here you go.

It's okay.

So, this thing at camp...

It was a fondling situation.

I was 8.

He was 6.

Did you resist it?

No.

It just sounds like a couple of kids being curious.

You know, it happens to everybody.

Really?

I never thought about it that way.

What a relief.

What about the counselor that was watching us?

I got it.

Look, folks, I'm not an Alpha male, all right?

I act like one sometimes, but I know I'm not a real one, and the way I know that is, if I ever lock eyes with a real Alpha male, they know.

They're like, "say hi to the little girl in there," and I'm like, "oh, no. They saw you."

Look, I think all men have a girl inside of them.

You just don't want her to come out at the wrong time.

I know I've got one in there.

I know she's a bitch.

I'm starting to think she has an eating disorder.

And her name's Jill.

All right, but t-that's my issue.

The bottom line is, no matter who you are, you're gonna be defined by your actions.

And sometimes you just got to man up.

I'm so sorry.

All right, let's do this, birds.