02x06 - Nostalgic Sex Buddy

[bunniefuu]

[ grunts ]

Oh, my god.

Just us now.

Back to normal, right?

[ meows ]

[ "the poisoned well" plays ]

♪ won't fall for it ♪
♪ you can't see ♪
♪ and you can't tell ♪
♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪

So, my daughter just turned 5.

Oh, my god. That's amazing.

And you know what?

You'll be very glad.

She does not look like you.

I'm a little disappointed.

I was hoping there was an outside chance that I got away with that and you would introduce me to her when she was 10, after all the hard stuff is done.

She's very adorable.

I mean, I think I -- I think I could handle maybe having a kid.

I've thought about it.

I -- yeah.

I love you.

Yeah.

And I think you're a person.

And I don't --

[ both laugh ]

No, I think I would be a good father.

No. Absolutely not.

Yes. Why would you say that?

You can't be selfish. You have to think of someone else first.

Your name again?

[ laughs ]

I would be a good father now.

Why?

Well, what qualities do you have that you think would make you a good Dad?

Uh, my house is clean.

I -- uh, I'm in good shape.

Mm-hmm.

I have a big heart.

I-i enjoy their company for a little while.

Maybe you should go on the bachelor."

[ laughing ]

You sound really dreamy.

None of that has anything to do with being a parent.

But it doesn't matter.

It's not gonna happen because, uh, you can't do it alone.

You know what I'm saying?

Ohh! Are you single again?

I am, yes.

What happened to that lovely little child that you were dating?

It's funny you bring her up because I did just actually throw out the last of her toys this morning.

Ohh.

Yeah.

Have you ever possibly considered dating someone your own age?

And that way, when you break up, they take their stuff with them.

What I'm telling you is I have not had a lot of experience sleeping with women my own age.

Okay.

The best sex I've ever had was someone who was older than me.

Why do you have to say that when I'm right here?

How do you know it's not you?

Is it me?

I'm just saying it could be!

You're like a really hot, angry 17-year-old, but the mustache is throwing me.

How long have you had that mustache?

Do we have a problem with the mustache?

No, I think it's fantastic.

I never kissed you with a mustache.

I think it would be...

What?

Itchy.

That's not the word.

That's not sexy?

No.

It would be so...

Hot.

[ laughs ]

[ birds chirping ]

[ knock on door ]

Hey, man.

Hey.

What's up?

Uh, thanks for coming over, man.

Hey, buddy.

What's the problem?

Well, it's sitting right beside you, all 10 pounds of it.

Ohh. What's the deal with it?

Nothing.

I'm just, uh -- you know, I'm done with it.

I was thinking maybe you could take it up to your cat ranch.

What do you mean you're done with it?

I'm just not feeling the cat anymore, you know?

I mean, we had our time.

Our time's over.

You should take it.

It's old.

It's not gonna live long.

What's wrong with you?

I'm -- I'm not taking your cat.

I've got two cats of my own.

I don't need another cat, Dave.

I'm trying to make my life less complicated, not more complicated.

Oh, so you're, uh, cutting out everything that gives you joy and affection?

Yeah, you're not well, man.

Yeah, I see what you're doing there.

You're doing to me what you did to this cat.

You're draining me of my life force.

I'm feeling exhausted.

I'm just trying to make my life simpler. Get it?

How's that going?

Good.

I'm thinking about having sex with Caroline rhea.

[ laughing ] really?

Why?

Why not? It would be totally uncomplicated.

You know, I'm older.

I'm wiser.

I'm less prone to bullshit.

We used to mess around back in the day.

It would be like putting on an old shoe.

Oh, that's a terrible description of a vag*na.

Yeah. How do vaginas hold up, generally?

Good. Those things are built like fords were in the '50s.

I don't know.

It might be weird, though.

It's been a long time since I had sex with her.

Yeah, it would be a little different, like a crazy time hole.

She's in town?

Yeah, she's here doing network meetings for a few days.

Oh.

Aww.

Yeah. Pet that thing.

You feel the fur on that?

I'm not taking the cat.

Caroline: i think, actually, the best sex is with people your own age 'cause you actually both know what you're doing at that point.

Even -- even if you get to the point where the orderly has to put one body on top of the other, I think there's still pleasure to be had.

[ keypad beeping ]

[ telephone rings ]

Caroline: hello?

Hey. Hi.

It's Marc Maron.

Do you want to, uh -- you want to get together tonight?

You want to maybe have dinner or something?

Uh, yeah. Bring condoms.

Really?

Yes.

We've obviously both been thinking about it since the podcast, and we both want to.

Yeah?

Yeah. It'll be fun.

Come over. Let's do it.

Okay, all right. All right.

I'll pick you up at 8:00.

Hi.

Hi.

You know what? Can we skip dinner and just have sex?

'cause I have to get up really early in the morning.

Yeah, yeah, I'm good with that.

Okay.

Okay.

You want to do it on the bed?

Uh, yeah, I think the bed would be easier for me.

I have a little bit of a back thing.

And I should probably see the doctor, but, you know...

Can you take off your watch, please?

Can I take off my shoes, please?

Okay. Can you take off your pants, then, and your belt, too?

Yeah, I'm gonna do it all.

I have to be naked for this.

It's not my first time at the rodeo.

I'm glad you're gonna be naked for this.

[ laughing ] what?

I like your, uh, boxers.

They make me want to play the bagpipe.

Well, you're in luck.

All right, so, what do you want me to do?

Just get on top and get into it?

Or do you want to do a little oral first, or how we gonna --

Okay, um, I'll do oral, but no swallow, and then you should be on top because I have no meniscus in my left knee.

Okay, I-I can work with that.

That sounds good.

All right, okay. Get in.

Okay.

You must have very low cholesterol. You look good.

I haven't had it tested.

I should get it tested.

How's your blood pressure?

Low.

Really?

Yeah, generally.

Okay. Here we go.

All right.

Wow, I'm so glad you left your socks on.

And don't touch my hair.

What can I touch?

Can I touch this?

No.

No. How about these?

What about here?

What about --

Ohh, stop!

[ laughs ]

Well, that was great, just like old times.

Got right back into it.

Mm.

Uh, w-what are you doing?

No, I don't need you to touch me unless we're having sex.

[ yawns ]

Okay, I get it.

[ groans ]

What are you doing?

Going to sleep.

Oh, you can't sleep here.

No, I have to get up really early in the morning, and I really want to sleep alone.

Really?

Yes.

[ sighs ]

Okay.

Uh-huh.

Now this is weird.

Oh, grow up!

You know you're gonna sleep better in your own bed, and you have to feed your cats and...

All right, I guess.

Oh, and by the way, they don't validate.

There's a lot of that going around tonight.

[ thud ]

[ cat meowing ]

What?

[ cat meows ]

What?

[ meows ]

Ah, come on, man.

[ meows ]

Ah, great.

What am I gonna do with you, buddy?

No offense. I'm just not prepared to take in another cat.

And your owner's a cock.

[ meows ]

Dave? Dave?

Yeah. I don't think we have this kind of relationship.

What is wrong with you?

Look, it happens.

Jen doesn't live with you anymore, right?

Not the same thing, all right?

We're humans who were involved in a relationship -- sentient beings with emotions, needs, and desires.

And I broke up with my cat.

There is something deeply wrong with you.

It's like you lack human insides.

[ sighs ]

What --

Because I understand when a relationship has run its course?

It's a cat, Dave.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, buddy.

I'm frazzled.

Caroline and I did it, and it was great.

It was just like I imagined casual sex.

And then it -- then it got -- it got weird.

What's weird?

Well [sighs] she -- she wouldn't let me sleep in the hotel room with her.

That's what you two agreed upon.

That's what casual sex is.

You're friends, and then you have sex, and then you immediately go back to just being friends.

Yeah, I know, but it's just...Very detached.

If I was visiting and you and I went out one night and went to a show and had a good time, are you gonna want to come back to my hotel room and sleep in my bed with me?

I mean, we're friends.

Wait. Do we have sex?

Because -- god forbid that happened -- I would definitely need you to hold me.

Okay, no sex -- just cuddling, like a hardcore sad-man cuddling.

Yeah. I mean, I get what you're saying.

I-i don't know why I'm so tweaked out.

It was just -- she was so matter-of-fact about it.

I mean, you should have seen her.

It was just like, "yeah, go now."

[ chuckling ] yeah.

She's like that.

What are you talking about?

When you have sex with her.

She's done with you the minute it's over.

She's always been like that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.

You had sex with Caroline rhea?

Oh, yeah. Lots.

I mean, you know, 20 years ago, super casuals, booty-call-type thing.

Wait. Wait. Wait. That was like when I was doing it.

I mean, when are you talking about?

Right after you.

Oh, and a little -- a little before.

You didn't think to tell me this?

I mean, I was sitting right there, looking you in the face, telling you I was thinking about having sex with Caroline rhea.

Nothing? You didn't think to mention it?

No.

That's it?

Why do you give a sh*t about this?

You're right.

You're right.

I don't.

I can tell.

Yeah.

Stop with the cat.

All right?

Yeah.

Got it?

Good talk.

No more cat.

Yeah.

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ laughter ]

Caroline: no matter what I do or say, she's always like this -- "again! Again, mommy! Again!"

I'm like, "no, I don't -- I don't want a redo. You better start it."

"again!"

Bossy.

We were trying to figure out a middle name.

Her -- her name is ava rhea economopoulos.

And then we were trying to think of a middle name before we settled on rhea," and someone suggested lily."

And I'm like, "no, that's a total pole-dancer name."

And she already does this weird thing whenever she wants candy.

She's like, "mommy, do we have any candy?"

[ laughter ]

Marc: that was a good crowd, right?

Yeah.

Caroline: oh, so it wasn't me?

It was just the crowd?

[ monotone ]

No, you were very funny.

I love you.

You're always funny.

You're the greatest comedian I've ever seen.

You know what?

Now it sounds insincere.

No, it was good.

You were good.

No, it was good.

Thank you.

Yeah.

You're still funny...

Mm.

...I mean, even after all these years.

Wow.

Wow. Nice almost compliment.

It's great, the way you've stayed in...

Not great shape, Dave.

Mm-hmm. All right, I got to hit it.

What? Where you going?

You have a set now?

It's a little late, isn't it?

Yeah, I got 10 minutes over at the, uh, laundromat show.

Ooh.

Oh. Good bragging.

No, it's actually a good show for people who aren't really known.

Yeah.

Are you catering it?

[ clicks tongue ]

[ sighs ] so, what are -- what are -- what's going on?

What are you -- what are you doing?

Um, I'm going back to the hotel.

Mm-hmm.

And I have to get up early, so I am going to go to sleep.

Do you need any, uh, help with that?

Are you gonna read to me from your book?

Oh, come on!

No strings.

Let's just do it again.

We'll do it. I'll get up.

I'll put my pants on.

I'll leave.

I won't even glance at you when I walk out.

I totally believe you because I know you're gonna be at your own house.

[ sighs ] all right, so, how about next time you're in town?

Maybe we hang out?

Yes, maybe.

Mwah!

Really? On the forehead?

Unbelievable.

Okay, nice seeing you.

[ cat meows ]

Aw, come on!

[ meows ]

[ sighs ]

Hey, buddy.

Oh, no.

I'm an idiot.

[ sighs ]

[ sniffs ]

Oh, my god. What?

Why are you lying to me?

Dave dropped off the cat, and he came over here.

I know it.

Oh, you are adorable in the morning.

Why wouldn't you have had sex with me unless you were doing it with him?

Tell me I'm right.

I know I'm right. I'm right.

No. I was tired.

I had a headache.

I slept alone, all alone!

That's it.

[ toilet flushes ]

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Hey. What's up?

You couldn't have stayed in the bathroom for five minutes?

I was talking super-loud so that you would hear me.

No, I heard.

I was just, you know, done.

Oh. Ugh!

What? That's it?

You're just gonna scold him for not being deceitful?

Thank you.

Shut up.

Why does he get to sleep over and I don't?

Because he's well-trained.

He doesn't touch me during the night.

He barely speaks in the morning.

It's as if I'm almost alone.

That's how you do it.

You just shut down the emotions, like a monk.

Yeah, or a monster.

No. Like a monk -- a sex monk.

Ugh.

Either way, it gets the job done.

You know what?

I think I liked it better when you weren't talking.

Oh, what is this now, some territorial sh*t?

Is this your bed?

Is this your area?

Do you want to pee around the room now?

Or I'm just sitting where it's comfortable.

I don't understand why neither of you told me you were screwing.

I mean, why wouldn't you tell me?

Because we both knew that you would respond exactly this way.

I thought we had something.

But that something was supposed to be nothing, and now you're yelling at me in my hotel room.

What does nothing" mean?

You know what?

I can't do this anymore.

I have to go to the airport.

Oh, yeah, just cut out.

[ sighs ]

We haven't resolved this.

I have resolved this.

You haven't.

We had half a good time.

Dave, call me when you get to new york.

I need closure.

I think that was closure.

Oh, you're mad at me?

I don't know. Maybe.

Yeah? No? What?

I don't know.

I get it.

We're not kids anymore.

I get it.

And -- and there was -- there was nothing on the line here.

Oh, definitely.

I could tell by the way you barged in and started yelling there was nothing on the line.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You know, you got to more like --

Don't say sex monk."

[ cat meows ]

Oh, sh*t.

[ groans ]

[ cat meowing ]

Hey.

Hey, buddy.

Still breathing, huh?

That's good.

I'm gonna take you to a guy, and we'll get you fixed up, all right?

Now, just hang in there, buddy.

[ groans ]

Oh, man.

[ sighs ]

veterinarian: I'm afraid it's not good news.

She has acute renal failure.

It's pretty far along, and at this stage, I recommend she be put down.

Oh, Jesus. Really?

[ dog barking ]

Unfortunately.

She's at the point now where she's only gonna suffer.

I thought it was a he.

I'm sorry?

I don't know.

Just, uh -- I guess I judged her or something, but I thought 'cause it was so fat, it was a he.

But now I know it's just a -- a fat girl, it makes me more sad.

How -- how long have you had her?

Just a day.

I mean, my friend dumped her at my place, said he was done with her, said they broke up.

"broke up"?

It's not that kind of relationship.

[ scoffs ] what am I gonna do with these feelings, man?

I mean, I hardly know this cat, and I'm -- I'm just sad.

I mean, it seems like a nice cat.

Probably had a good life, as good a life as you can have with an owner who's an emotional husk.

I mean, who the hell does that -- breaks up with a cat?

I've never heard of that.

Right? Okay.

So it's not just me.

You can't just break up with animals.

No. No, y-you can't.

Oh, look at that guy --

Girl.

[ sighs ]

So, how would you like to proceed?

[ sighs ]

Sir?

What? I don't know.

I guess we'll call -- I'll call the owner, tell him his cat is dying -- his former cat.

You see, this whole thing has gotten the current ownership situation very convoluted.

Sir.

Okay, I'll call.

Will you watch the cat?

Yeah.

You're not a fat girl.

No, you're not.

[ indistinct shouting, video-game music playing ]

[ cellphone ringing ]

[ TV volume decreases ]

[ keypad beeps ]

What's up?

Marc: it's not good, man.

You know, I got home.

I found the cat on the dining-room floor.

It -- it -- it was barely breathing.

It peed itself -- like, the -- the works, dude.

I mean, I'm at the vet.

He says it has to be put down.

Her name's rushmore.

Oh, okay, great.

That's very helpful.

I'm glad to know that.

Well, rushmore needs to be put down.

Huh. Okay.

Wait. What do you mean, "okay"?

Are you coming down here?

Uh...Okay.

You know what?

I guess I could, if that's what you want.

Yeah, that -- that -- that's what I want.

You gave me a dying cat, and I have to put it down.

I'd like you to be here to help me deal with your problem.

Yeah, all right.

I-i was supposed to have lunch with someone, but I guess, you know, I could squeeze this in.

Oh, great. Okay.

Well, you know what?

I'll text you the address, sociopath.

How would that be?

Okay, cool.

[ keypad beeps ]

It's weird.

I don't know what to say to you.

I-i just don't know how to deal with meeting somebody and then k*lling them.

It's not really my thing.

Ah, she looks okay.

What are you talking about?

I found a barely living cat -- your cat, all right? -- covered in urine.

I take her to the vet.

He says she's too far gone, and you're gonna come in here and drop that?

I'm sorry. I didn't really know what to say.

How are you not more upset about this?

I mean, this is a nice cat, and you're acting like it wasn't even yours.

Well, maybe it's 'cause she was my cat for so long.

No, that's not it.

I know.

It's because you are a human being beyond repair, Dave.

veterinarian: uh, mr. Maron?

[ sighs ]

All right, rushmore.

Sorry it had to happen like this.

You deserve better.

All right.

Let's do this.

I'm not going in there.

Too emotional.

She had a good run, long life.

I mean, most of it, we enjoyed each other's company.

Things got a little...

Weird the last year or so, but, overall, she had a pretty sweet cat ride the whole way.

I-it's -- it's wrong to send her off with you.

I mean, the last thing she's gonna see are your vacant eyes?

You want me to wink or something?

Oh, a joke now? Really?

Too soon? Yeah?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah? Okay.

Maybe he should put you down, too.

How would that be?

How'd it go?

Good. I guess.

I took a vine of it right at the end, just as she was squeezing her last breath out.

What?!

And perfect ending.

Oh, I am gonna send this to my ex.

Dude, what is wrong with you, man?

I mean, how can you be so cold-blooded?

You had that cat for like 12 years.

That's like, what, a quarter of your life?

That's a lot of time.

I mean, what, I cared more about that cat than you did.

Yeah, that's why I wanted her to live with you -- because you get, like, weirdly attached to things.

Oh, you mean like normally attached to things?

Oh. Okay.

Don't send that.

Don't tweet it, either.

What is wrong with you?

You used to be fun.

Marc: okay, so, I'm getting more emotional over the years.

I used to think it was a bad thing, like it was holding me back.

From what?

Living.

I mean, I've seen the opposite, and it's a lot worse.

At some point, detachment just gets creepy and somewhat frightening.

I'm accepting who I am.

Being too emotional is not a weakness.

It's not a fault.

I mean, I used to fight it, pretend it wasn't there, but I can't anymore.

It's just what I am.

I mean, look, I-I cry at movies.

I mean, stupid movies.

Sometimes I'll even cry at commercials.

I'm not -- I'm not gonna fight it anymore.

Maybe I'll just start crying everywhere, maybe like when they -- when they clear my plate at a restaurant.

I mean, it's not the best way to look at the world, but, hey -- I don't know -- maybe it's my new hook.

"I love this guy, honey. It's a great show. He'll cry at the end. Every time, just starts crying. The crying guy."