02x13 - Desert Road Trip

[bunniefuu]

I don't know if this is me.

I mean, I'm not a guy that spends money on an automobile.

I guess I deserve a new car.

I was just named comedian of the year at the Boston Comedy Festival.

I mean, it's not an Oscar, but it's -- but still, it's something.

I mean, my podcast was voted number one a third year in a row -- that's good.

My manager just booked me on "Charlie Rose."

I mean, "Charlie Rose" -- that's respectable.

I mean, that's for people who have accomplished things.

I don't know, man. But now I got to worry about a new car?

That's a whole new set of problems.

I mean, is someone gonna steal it?

Are they gonna key it?

Are people gonna judge me?

Judge you?

Dude, it's a Nissan Altima, not a Bentley.

Just sign the paper.

I deserve this.

Whatever, man.

["The poisoned well" plays]

♪ Won't fall for it ♪
♪ you can't see ♪
♪ and you can't tell ♪
♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪

[Sighs]

Pete?

Oh. Hey, Maron.

Hey, man. Is this, uh -- is this your shop?

Yeah, it's my shop.

I don't work here. I own the place.

So no more comedy?

I got two kids and a wife, and comedy wasn't cutting it.

Is that okay with you, Marc?

Great.

Hey, do you have that, uh -- that natural spa cat food?

Not in stock, but I can order it.

It's pretty -- pretty pricey Stuff, Marc.

You must be doing well.

Uh, you know...

Well, look, uh, when it comes in, I'll have my assistant pick it up.

Assistant?

Uh, n-not an assistant. It's more of an intern thing, okay? I'll pick it up myself.

It was good seeing you.

I'm just -- I'm just glad you're doing well.

I'll just take this -- this Stuff.

Yeah. Sure.

[Scanner beeps]

[Indistinct conversations]

Charlie Rose? That's huge!

I know. Right? It's crazy.

Yeah, that guy is, uh -- he's national.

He -- and -- and he has gravitas.

He interviews heads of state and Kermit the frog and -- yeah, I-I think I'm in -- in between somewhere.

I think so.

Oh, hey.

Marc: Oh, my God.

First Pete and now Stu Carbone?

What is it, sad old guy week?

I haven't seen him in years.

Ugh. Breaks my heart just to look at him.

Oh, hey! It's Dave, Andy, and Frank Zappa!

You nailed him.

Marc: Thank you.

How'd you do in there?

I k*lled in there!

Oh, yeah.

Did you hear it? It was like menudo!

It's good to see you, Stu. I mean, I can't remember.

Yes. When was the last time I saw you?

What was it, when I opened for you at the Shriners auditorium in San Diego?

Was that it? Ooh, that was terrible.

Did I cry on the way back?

You did cry a little, actually. A little bit.

I cry. I cry a little -- lets things out.

Are you still living in West Hollywood?

No, I got tired of living with the gays, you know.

They're always driving up their property values with their remodels and their sconces.

So you're -- you're anti-sconce or anti-gay?

I'm not clear. I am very anti-sconce.

Okay. I'm starting an organization.

So now I live in redlands. Uh-huh.

Huh?

Yeah, it's beautiful out there.

Redlands? Where the hell is that?

Andy: Where -- it's only 80 minutes out of L.A.

I could get into my auditions -- boom! -- In an hour and a half.

Well, that's great, man.

Sure.

It sounds like things are going well. I'm happy to hear it.

Yeah, I got my 40 acres and a mule -- my wife!

Ah! [Chuckles]

Just kidding. She left me. Whore!

[Laughs]

Marc: All right. Okay.

[Sighs]

Actually, uh, things haven't been, uh, going that great.

My -- my manager got into real estate.

Quit management?

Yeah, you know, her picture's on bus stops now.

Ooh, that's not a good sign.

Road work is -- is drying up for me. Yeah.

Hey, hey, did you get my e-mail uh, about being on your podcast?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I got it.

I just get -- I get backed up with interviews, you know.

Okay, great. Uh, just tell me when.

I'll clear my schedule out.

I'll give my hand the day off.

Okay, man. I mean, I got your e-mail.

I'll reach out, you know.

[Chuckles] Great, man.

Hey, that was, uh, a nice piece, uh, in rolling stone about you.

Oh, thanks, buddy. Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey! Who wants to go out and eat, huh?

Like the old days after an open Mike, we'd go to canter's.

I can't. I got a thing in the morning. Sorry, man.

Uh, you know what? I'll go.

But on one condition.

I insist that I pay. There you go.

No. I insist I pay.

Okay. I'm in.

I don't care who pays for me.

Great. I'll get my bomber jacket.

It's back in style for at least five minutes!

Andy: Ha!

Why don't you just put him on the podcast? Yeah.

Because he's so sad and desperate, I don't think I'd be doing him any favors.

And I don't think it'd do either of us any good to talk to him for an hour.

Okay, who's ready? Like I need another meal.

I'm one meal away from having my own moon.

[Laughs] Hmm.

[Sighs]

Come on, man, "jackass," "bad grandpa" -- that -- that humor, your humor, is, like, primal.

Like, that sh*t will be funny anywhere in the world, any country.

It'd probably be funny on other planets.

I mean, my humor is only funny in English, and -- and if you read Twitter, that -- even that's debatable.

Thanks, man. That's sweet. Yeah.

But the thing is, I didn't really expect any of this.

I thought I was gonna be dead or in jail by 30.

Well, that's amazing, man.

It's amazing that you overcame that environment and you're where you're at now -- it's very impressive.

Same goes for you.

How so?

When I was promoting over in Amsterdam, people would literally stop me in the street to talk about the show we did together.

Really?

Yeah.

That's nice.

Yeah.

I bet you weren't thinking about that three years ago when you were about to blow your brains out in this garage.

That is a fair assumption.

And the real shame is you weren't even gonna film it.

I would have had a slow-mo cam in here...

Yeah.

...and scored it with some classical music.

Yeah.

[Humming Tchaikovsky's "1812 overture"]

I don't think I would have done it that way.

I probably would have done carbon monoxide or -- or maybe slashing my wrists.

I mean, the g*n thing -- that's a little macho, and I -- you know, then I'd have to --

I'd have to find a g*n.

You could have used one of mine.

What are you, crazy?!

Is that real?

Yeah.

That could k*ll somebody, man.

That could k*ll me.

All right, all right.

But I don't need it now.

Oh, my God.

I don't believe it.

All right.

I don't believe that.

That is the first time that's happened.

There's a g*n in here.

You are right, though.

You don't need it now.

No, no.

You've made it.

Well, that's nice of you to say.

You don't even realize it, huh?

Grab your sh*t.

We got to go.

What?

It's Stu.

I'm worried about him because, you know, we've been texting since dinner the other night, and then his texts just stopped.

So?

So he also had a meeting with Dave's manager set up this morning -- he never showed up.

Wait a minute. You actually tried to help another human being?

I was just trying to put my manager in an uncomfortable position.

Oh.

Something is wrong.

I just know it.

We got to drive out to redlands.

I can't, man.

I got Stuff to do.

Like what?

I have to buy a new jacket for "Charlie Rose."

I don't want to go out there alone.

You're not alone.

You got Dave.

That's worse than being alone.

All right, but if we pass an outlet mall, we're stopping.

Fine.

Marc: Wow. It is so desolate in the desert.

I hope these meth dealers have netflix.

That's a good tweet.

Should I tweet that?

Why are you asking?

You're gonna do it anyway.

It was a good one.

Hey, I got a question.

How are you eating a gas-station hot dog?

That is disgusting.

I mean, that thing's probably been on those rollers for like a week.

It's like poison.

We're on a road trip!

Anything goes!

Whoo!

Plus, as long as it's rolling, I-I've been told it's safe.

Why don't you get on -- on him?

He's downed, like, 400 ounces of sports drink.

You know what the sport's gonna be?

If he can hold it in.

Yeah.

No, I got that covered.

Look. It's got a cock hole right there.

I just fill it back up.

Oh, no.

Oh, Jesus.

Whole thing's like a self-contained loop.

That's disgusting, man.

So is your act.

I should have been an astronaut.

[Laughs]

This is fun! See?

We're bantering.

We're kibitzing.

This is great.

It's like the old days.

Yeah.

Remember when we did that D.C.-to-Atlanta run?

Uh-huh.

And then we stayed in that real dump?

Yeah.

I'll never forget that.

Now, is that a-a good memory to you, or is that a sad memory?

Or are you just at that age where you're happy you can remember things?

I also have, uh, problems in the bedroom.

You do? What?

Yeah. I can't find the right sheets.

[Laughter]

Did you just make that up just now?

I did make it up.

What do you think of that?

It's pretty good, right?

Oh, look at you, kung Jew.

[Chuckles]

Never again.

[Chuckles]

I-I can't believe Stu lives out here.

Lived.

Dude's dead.

Belt around his neck, cock in hand.

Don't even, okay?

He's fine.

Well, now you jinxed it by saying he's fine.

He's definitely dead now, with his man sauce dribbling out of his flaccid, cold penis.

Oh, shut up!

Come on.

Hey, did you know that Stu opened for Frank Sinatra?

Really?

Yeah, it was like a rat pack reunion thing in the late '80s.

And Sammy is the one who actually introduced Stu to cocaine.

Holy sh*t. I should have him on my podcast.

Well, now you jinxed it.

Hey, do you know what you're gonna talk about with Charlie Rose yet?

Uh, I've got a call with his producer.

I'm sure we'll work it out.

Good for you, man. Things are really happening for you.

Well, he had enough opportunities over the past 20 years.

Something was bound to stick.

So, do you need to pee or what?

Oh.

Done.

Oh, my God.

I didn't even hear you do that.

Yeah, I'm a piss ninja.

How do we know this is it?

D-does it go by address or license plate or what?

I don't know, man.

I'm nervous.

I don't think I-I can deal with what's about to happen.

It feels weird.

This is my comfort zone.

Stu, it's Andy Kindler!

Stu, are you in there?!

Are you in there?!

He's not answering.

Oh, no sh*t.

[Knock on door]

It's open.

[Sighs]

Jesus Christ, Dave.

What's going on in there?

Not good.

Oh, no!

This sh*t is bad!

[Coughs]

No. No, no.

Go, go.

He's dead!

He's dead, right? Right?

Th-that's dead!

W-we don't need to check for a pulse or anything.

Oh, my God.

This is awful.

Hey, I called it, though, right?

Oh, we should have done a pool.

Can you just act like a human being for two seconds, please?

We knew that guy in there.

Why you going back in there?

Don't do anything weird, Dave.

I feel terrible.

This is awful.

I-I had a bad feeling about this.

[Sighs] Do you have any idea how old he was?

He was my age.

Oh, my God.

It's just so weird.

I mean, you know, no matter how much you think about death, when you're confronted with it, it's just so brutal.

Whoa, did you know that dead bodies can fart?

Oh, please.

Whew.

Hey, look.

This dude d*ed while he was writing a joke.

That is sad, you know?

"I can't stand magicians.

You know what would be a real trick?"

No punch line.

Wow. He d*ed just like he lived.

Yeah.

[Laughter]

Hey, I -- I got one.

You know what would be a good trick?

If someone could stop this pain in my chest.

That's -- yeah, that's all right.

All right.

I'm gonna try and get a signal, call 911.

Oh, they're not gonna have a punch line.

Yeah, hey, uh, I-I'm calling from the white rock trailer park.

Uh, we -- we have a dead body here.

Um, it's a heart-att*ck type of thing.

Could you send a-an ambulance or a hearse or something?

45 minutes?

What do you mean this doesn't qualify as an emergency?

Oh, yeah. I guess it's not a life-or-death situation.

Yeah, I get it. I get it.

What? We -- we have to wait for a report?

I -- yeah. No, we'll be here.

We'll be here.

I got -- I got to take this.

Hello? Gary?

Oh, hey, man. Gary from the -- from "Charlie Rose."

What's up? Yeah, yeah.

Everything -- yeah.

Yeah, I'm excited. Thank you.

I do. I do actually have a good story about how we started out.

Uh, it all turned around when I interviewed Robin Williams, I think.

Hey --

Dave: Why is 911 asking you about your podcast?

I called them. They're -- they're on their way.

Yeah, yeah, uh, the reason it struck a chord was he was able to show a different side of him -- what?

Nothing.

I just thought I'd watch you promote your career while our friend's organs digest themselves in a sh*t box about 50 feet away.

Yeah, man.

Can I call you back?

Okay, man. Thanks.

Happy?

Yeah. Sure.

What is that?

Well, I'm trying to come up with a punch line to Stu's joke.

I figured if I can come up with a good punch line, stu wouldn't have d*ed in vain.

That's ridiculous.

W-what's the setup?

All right, it's, "I can't stand magicians.

You know what would be a real trick?"

How about this?

Not getting a girl to flee when you pull out your deck of cards.

[Chuckles]

It's all right.

How about, uh...

Making my father take interest in me?

[Chuckles] Well, that's certainly personal.

[Sighs]

You guys working on the punch line for that joke?

Are you eating his food?

Relax.

It's vacuum-sealed.

It's not like it has death germs all over it.

A grape?

Skin counts as a seal.

30 years in the business, this is the payoff -- broke and alone with some creep rifling through your fridge.

This could have been any one of us, right?

Yeah.

I could have ended up here.

Yeah, but not anymore, right?

What does that mean?

Admit it.

You think you've gotten over some hump now.

Okay, take it easy, Dave.

I got this, Andy.

No, I don't think I've gotten over any hump.

I'm doing okay now.

But I know there's no guarantees in this business.

Where's this coming from?

You think I'm being arrogant?

'Cause I think I'm keeping a pretty good head about this.

You think?

Yeah, I do think, Dave.

Hey!

Hey, I think I got it.

You know what would be a-a great trick?

Pulling a hat out of a rabbit!

Yeah. Keep working on the joke, Andy.

[Insects chirping]

Yeah, yeah. I get it. Yeah.

Okay. Great.

All right, man.

Take care.

Oh, my God. Are you wearing a dead guy's coat?

Because that's a little morbid.

Not to me.

I mean, you could say it's morbid that I'm wearing his long underwear.

Bullshit.

Really?

No, don't get sucked into his sick vortex.

You know, you got a problem with death, man.

Oh, yeah?

How's that?

Well, the whole schtick with the food and the coat.

It's gallows humor.

You're just not comfortable with the reality of the situation.

Oh, I am super comfortable.

Thanks to Stu's long underwear, my balls are warm and toasty.

All right, guys. How about we don't go after each other?

Maybe we should just work on finishing Stu's joke.

We're done with the Stupid joke, Andy.

It's a shitty setup, all right?

This whole thing is sad and horrible, and I think we should just process it.

Oh, yeah. Hey, let's hold hands and say a prayer.

Jesus, why don't you shut up, man?

Look, I just think maybe we could have done a little bit more for Stu.

Okay, here we go.

Yeah, maybe if he would have been on my podcast, I would have fixed everything, right?

Well, you are in a position to do things for people.

It's not like you've ever mentioned me to Conan's bookers.

What, do you think I have magic power, like I can just pull some strings and make things happen for you?

Yeah, absolutely.

That's what friends do.

You're delusional, man.

I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

You believe this sh*t, Andy?

I-I got to say, I-it feels like we don't talk as much anymore.

Yeah, he's gotten too big.

That's not true.

It just -- it just isn't true, Dave.

You know, just so you know, I just got bumped from "Charlie Rose," all right?

So how big am I, huh?

Oh, okay.

I'm sorry about that.

That's -- that's -- that's terrible.

That sucks, man.

Does it suck, man?

What difference does it make?

You know what would be a great trick?

If I could orgasm at the same time as my wife instead of way before.

Do you have an off mode?

Man: Hey!

Everything okay?

Yeah. Just walking around, getting some air.

Look like you got a lot on your mind.

Come on over here by the fire.

I didn't know Stu was a comedian.

Makes sense, though.

He always made me laugh.

Yeah, yeah.

He was a genuinely funny guy.

He was just cursed with that same thing we all are, you know -- that compulsion to make it in this ridiculous business.

[Breathes deeply]

It's every comic's fear to die broke and alone, man.

My friend's right.

I had fooled myself into thinking that I reached a certain level, which guaranteed that this couldn't happen to me, that I-I couldn't wind up dead in some sh*thole like this.

But I know it's a lie.

Oh, man. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to call your home a sh*thole.

Don't worry.

I get it.

It's probably nice in the springtime.

Well, what have I got, man, aside from this ridiculous job?

I mean, I'm 50 years old, got no wife, no kids.

50 years old?

No wife. No kids.

Sounds like you won, to me.

[Laughs] Right?

[Chuckles]

Oh, man.

Listen, uh, this thing you've dedicated your life to...

Do you love it?

There's a lot of bullshit involved, but...

Yeah, when I get behind the Mike, I love it.

Love is unconditional.

The good, the bad -- it's all the same thing.

If you've got something that you love, you're way ahead of the game.

Wow.

There's something about this place.

I don't know if it's the desert air or the isolation --

I don't know -- but it's --

[chuckles]

It's kind of mystical, man.

Yeah.

That's why I moved out here.

Plus, it's only 80 minutes from Hollywood -- easier to make it to auditions.

[Chuckles]

Were you Isaac on "The Love Boat"?

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

Among other roles.

[Both laugh]

Wow!

[Sighs]

What other roles?

Take care, brother.

So, Stu's ride finally came, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, you know, uh, about before, I-I was just -- don't worry about it.

Enough said. We're cool.

Yeah, I went over the line.

I got you a little peace offering.

[Chuckles softly]

These were Stu's?

Yeah.

There any sabbath in here?

Oh, yeah, there's sabbath.

Nice.

Taking some of his p*rn.

He's got some great black guy, black guy, black guy, white milf" Stuff -- just...

How many guys?

Not enough.

Hey, Pete.

I'm here to pick up my food.

Oh. Man.

This was a pain in the ass to get.

You would not believe how many calls I had to make.

Well, I didn't -- I didn't mean to cause you any trouble.

It wasn't any trouble.

Hey, man, can I ask you a favor?

One time...

Yeah?

...right in front of Chuck lorre -- okay.

I mean, this is my big sh*t and all.

Yeah?

My 12-year-old says, "what are you talking about?

Dad's the least-funny guy in the family."

Oh!

Do you think that had any, uh -- did it blow it for you or...

No. I never really had a sh*t.

Oh, maybe you did.

No. No.

Okay.

I'll tell you what, though.

Yeah?

Being a father has actually made me a lot funnier.

How so?

Every comic has the sensibility of a 9-year-old.

Okay.

It took me 30 years, but I finally found my perfect audience.

Aww, that's sweet.

Yeah.

But you're happy, right?

I am happy.

I'm very happy.

That's what's important.

Thank you, Marc.

[Chuckles]