01x06 - The Speech

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Your Family Or Mine". Aired April - June 2015.
Based on a popular Israeli comedy, "Your Family Or Mine" revolves around Oliver and Kelli, who are living proof of the adage, "When you marry someone, you don't just marry them, you marry their whole family".

It is a family comedy with an unusual structure - each episode focuses on a different side of the family: one week featuring the couple dealing with Kelli's family, the next spent with Oliver's.
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01x06 - The Speech

Post by bunniefuu »

You... you named it a way in a boob situation?

It's hard to know which way to go.

I mean... this top looks best when I let the girls out a bit Yeah, but it is an award ceremony Where your dad is being honored, so I vote button done up.

Hey, I'll see you guys later, okay?

[sighing] oh, God. My dad better win tonight.

Oh, he will for sure.

There's five people in the department, And the other four have already won.

Well, if he does win, Get ready to deal with a very cocky Gil.


Oh, I think I'm ready.

The last time I was over there, he declared, "no one in the universe wears pants as well as I do."


He is proud of weird things.

But then again, so are you.

What are you talking about?

Your ears?

Honey, that is not weird.

Seriously, name one guy even a celebrity...

Who has better ears than me.

Go ahead! Name one!

Baby, I can't I don't...

Well, e-exactly! Because there isn't anyone!

I have perfect ears!

I just hope they don't upstage your dad tonight.

Man: Okay, everybody, look at me.

[camera shutter clicks]

Ah! Thank God you're here!

I was worried you'd been in an accident!

Mom, why do you always do this? We're four minutes late.


Ah! Whoa!

I'm just relieved everyone's okay.

Wow, that dress is incredible, Jan!


Thank you. Thank you.

I bought it for the ceremony.


I mean, do you think Rita Wilson Just dug some old thing out of her closet All those times Tom Hanks won?

I'm gonna go with no.


And if you like it, You should see what I'm wearing underneath.

Mom, please.


Hey, you guys look great.

Dad, why are you whispering?

Saving my voice for my speech.

Here you go... little more tea, honey.

Thank you, Jan.

Got to keep those vocal cords lubricated.

And for your nervous stomach, honey, a little toast.

Toast?! I can't have any g*dd*mn toast!

I got to keep it wet in here.

I better finish getting ready.


Man, he better win tonight.


The last four ceremonies were rough.


This year, the Psychology-Department's award For outstanding educator goes to...

Joan Millman.


Charles Kringus.


Gregory Scott.


Michael Woodhouse!


Are you kidding?! That clown?!

This is bullshit!

That's my g*dd*mn award!

Watch it! Whoa!

Come on! Let me go!

Okay, okay. Okay.

God damn it! Oh!

I mean, making him pay for the broken chair Was insult to injury.


More tea.

Now, guys, remember, we have to leave in 20 minutes.

Hey, Shawni, what's up? Everything all right?

It's nothing.


Well, of course it's something.

Get back here.

All right, you know how Enzo and I Had our one-year anniversary last night?



So I assumed that he was finally gonna propose Or, at the very least, Say that we should move in together.

But instead, he took me bowling And gave me a shitty heart necklace from the mall.

But I was just so sure he was gonna do something That, when the waitress brought out the fried mozzarella sticks, I assumed there was a ring Or a symbolic house key hidden in there, So I burnt my fingers digging through the basket.

Wait. You would have been happy If he'd asked you to marry him that way...

Drunk, bowling, fried cheese?

It's a ring around a mozzarella stick.

I think it's pretty freaking romantic.

Well, I'm sorry, Shawni.

I know.

I just wish I knew what we were doing, you know?

Hey, Kelli.

Hey, baby. Why aren't you dressed?

I'll get dressed in a minute.

Oh. Mm.

Such a tease. I love it!

Wow! Enzo! Looking dapper, buddy.

Back at you, Oliver. Why don't you give me a spin?

A what?

Spin, Oliver. Spin.

Let me see all of you.


Did Shawni tell you All about our amazing anniversary last night?

Uh, no, she didn't.

Ah, she was so happy, after I gave her her gift...

An expensive heart necklace from Eddie's jewelry 'n stuff...

She cried... For much longer than you would think is normal.

I think the honey in the tea has sufficiently calmed my throat, So I can give you all a little taste of my acceptance speech.

Oh, good!

This will give me a chance to practice my reactions.

"First of all, I want to congratulate all my fellow nominees."


Honey, please, you can practice later.

Right now, this is about me.

Just to be clear... the whole evening is.

"Congratulations to my fellow nominees, "who have all, almost unbelievably, Won this award before me."

"Joan had a great year, "despite the lawsuit from a student.

But turns out he was 18, so she dodged a b*llet there."

"Michael Woodhouse, who won last year, "even though he hasn't published in a decade...

Money must have changed hands there."

"just kidding. L.O.L."

Stuff about the other people...

I call them "peers," but with finger quotes.

Yada yada yada... the end. Great, huh?

Do you think maybe you sound...

I don't know... a bit... Bitter?


Bitter? Seriously? Is that what you got?

Oliver, did you get that?

Uh, maybe a tad. A touch.

A lot.

[telephone ringing]

I think you just don't get my sense of humor, Like this joke here...

"I'm better than all of you."

Well, thank you so much for calling.

I-I don't know what to say. I'm just in shock.

Okay. Goodbye. [telephone beeps]

Mom, what's wrong?

That was my friend Brenda, Whose husband's on the board of the college.

She just told me your dad's not gonna win tonight.


Was that the florist?

I ordered you a dozen roses...

For you to hand me after I win.

Dad's not gonna win?!


Why would they do that to him?

Oh, honey, your dad is a great Professor, But he has made enemies among the faculty there, Mainly because of his "if it's in the fridge, it's fair game" policy.


I can't watch him lose again. It'll break his heart.

To lose again for the fifth time in front of all those people?

We can't let him go to that ceremony.

I agree.

If he knows he's not winning, he won't go anyway.

So the best plan here is you tell him he's not gonna win.

Exactly! You tell him he's not gonna win.



Why I am telling him? You're his wife.

Oh, honey, you're his favorite daughter.

Not if I tell him he didn't win!

All right, since neither one of us Are willing to break the news to him, The least we can do is stop him from going to that ceremony.

Then you can figure out how you're gonna tell him later.

I mean, maybe it won't be as hard as we think.

Which of these says winner?

I'm thinking gold so I match the trophy.

[insects chirping]


Hi, Dani.

[slurring] shh! Do you hear that?

The house is here.

Uh... Dani, what's going on?



So, you were obviously out all night.

I was at this party with Blake.


He's your brother.

He is, yeah.

Hey! Is he as high as you are right now?

No, he had to go home, But I stayed and had what I thought was candy.

But guess what.

It wasn't candy. It was from the moon.

You're a little scary right now.

Well, your ears are kind of weird.

Okay. Now I know you're high.
Hey, baby. We have a bit of a problem.

I know. Wait. You have a problem?

Yeah, you have one, too?

Dad's not getting the award.



He deserves that award so much.

I thought he was getting it for sure.

Me too. But apparently, He eats other people's food in the faculty lounge.

We can't let him go to that ceremony, So if you could tell dad he's not gonna win...

What? I'm telling him?

You want to tell him?

I was going to, but that's a great idea.

I'm fine with that.

Maybe Gil pulls a Marlon Brando!

What? Dad gets fat and dies?

No, marlon Brando didn't show up to the oscars one time Because he was making some kind of political statement.

That might work! Dad loves making statements!

He boycotted the movie "Frozen"

Because it wasn't about global warming.

Okay, so I'm gonna look up exactly what Brando did.

Maybe I can convince Gil.

Okay. [sighs]

Wait. What was your problem?

Oh, Dani took some crazy drug, And she's so high she thinks my ears look weird.

So it's obviously pretty serious.

Okay, she did this once before.

I hope she doesn't do anything crazy.

Last time, she called 911

To report that fairies had taken over the pantry.

But they hadn't, right?

Hey, Dani.

So, did Shawni show you her new necklace?

Sometimes. I can't remember.

Well, if you saw it, you wouldn't forget, believe me.

It was shaped like a heart.

Do you ever think sometimes there's another level Where stuff happens we don't know about?

You mean like in a relationship?

Yes, I have been thinking about that, About Shawni and I taking it to the next level.

How will you even get it there?!

Well, I've been thinking about asking Shawni If she and Dougie want to move in with me, But I'm worried that she's not ready, That she'd say no and break my heart...

Something that can't happen With the necklace that I gave her Because Eddie's jewelry is guaranteed unbreakable.

Ready? Everyone's ready.


Wait. You know she's ready?

If I ask her, she'll say yes?


Really? Then I'll do it.

I'm going to my car to get my spare key to give to her.

Thank you!

Hey, can I borrow your beard sometimes?

Looking good, Gil!

Like a band leader or something!

Thank you.

High praise, son, high praise.


I love you, gold man!


I went with the gold.

It says, "suck it, loser," more than the white.

Hey, want to hear the best idea ever?

Don't go.

Oh, I love that idea So smart and great.

[chuckling] don't go? What are you talking about?

Well, a-a-as a protest, like Marlon Brando did.

Oh, man, that would really show them For snubbing you all these years.

You have to do that!

Don't go? That's nuts.

Do you think civil-rights hero And my African-American doppelganger Martin Luther King Told his people, "don't march on Washington...

That'll show them"? No way.

You know, but that... that's different, Gil. We're talking about...

No, there's nothing that could keep me from going And accepting that award tonight.

Now I got to go drink a lot of water so I can piss on everyone.

Wow! Gil, that is really gold.

Enzo thinks I look like a band leader.

Obviously, the Brando thing didn't work.

W-what... what else can we do to stop him?

How about a loving family member just tells him the truth?

How about this?!

We tell him we have to go to the hospital Because Oliver is sick with appendicitis.

Why am I the one getting appendicitis?!

You're the most obvious choice, Oliver.

You're always getting stuff like that.

Remember dancer's hip?


Okay, dancer's hip is a very serious condition, And you both know it!

How are you?

You're a good boy, aren't you?

I love Enzo, but it's like, what are we doing, you know?

I mean, we've been together over a year now, And we're just dating?

I'm not in my 20s anymore, and I got a kid.

A year is such a long time.

It is a long time.

So what am I supposed to do, dump him?

I mean, if he's not gonna make a move, I have to, right?


You're right.

I love him, but I can't keep wasting my time In a relationship that's going nowhere.

These boobs are not getting any more awesome than this.

Yeah, I got to break up with him.

Thanks, Dani.


It says the symptoms of appendicitis are "pain near the navel, a fever..." "and bloating and gas."

Guys, I'm not doing it. I'm not pretending to be sick.

It's insane!

He's right, mom.

Well, you can't just do the gas part?

All right, all right, I know it's crazy, But what else can we do?

Is everybody ready to see Gil Durnin Finally get his name called As outstanding educator of the year?

Oliver's sick! We have to take him to hospital!


I'm not sick.

He's in shock.

He doesn't even know what he's saying.


Whoa. What's going on?

Why are you trying to get out of going to the ceremony?

I mean, I get it It's boring, And you're not gonna win anything At the end of the evening.

And you're not getting any roses.

Why don't you just go and support me?

Of course we will, Gil. It's j...

I'm going. You can either come with me or not.

But I'm gonna go and meet my golden twin.

Now I feel horrible.

I know.

So do I.

Oh, sure, you feel bad now, But when I asked you to feel bad, nada!

Where's your father?


Gone... Like he left?

He said, "God damn it," got in his thing, and... vroom.

What? Dad left?

Aw! He went without us? Shit!

And all because someone wouldn't pretend to have appendicitis.


Yep. He's definitely gone.

He's not answering his phone.

What's going on?

Dad's not winning the award.

We tried to stop him, but he went anyway.

Okay, girls, we have to go now.

He at least has to have his family there with him.

Hey, guys?

Oh, thank God.

I almost forgot the flowers Gil sent me to give to him.

Yeah, the delivery guy came to the back door.

Gil also filled out the card for you.

"Gil, I'm so proud of you.

You looked so good up on that stage tonight."

"I could tell all of the women wanted to be with you."

"love, Jan."

That's exactly what I would have written.

Come on.

I think we need to talk.

Yes, we should. I have something important to say.

Yeah, okay, but I should probably go first.

What we've had has been great.

But I think we need to break up.


Look, I love you, but let's be honest...

Was this ever really gonna work?

I mean, you never wanted anything serious Because you're kind of an idiot.

Not in a bad way, just in a young way.

Anyway, I think it's time we ended this.

Well, the thing I wanted to talk about was I wanted you to move in with me.

You do?! Baby, that's all I wanted.

Oh, my God! This is great! This is awesome!

Thank you.

I was gonna give this to you in a more romantic way, Like maybe by the fountain in the mall, but...

A symbolic house key.

So wait. I'm an idiot?

No, no, no, no. Oh, forget all about The "idiot, never gonna work, too young" stuff.

I-I only said that 'cause I thought You didn't want to take this to the next level.

Oh. You were lashing out and didn't mean what you said.

I learned about that from Gil after he called me a moron.

[winded] oh, good. We made it.

They haven't given out the awards yet.

Look, you guys! It's dad!

Oh. We know, honey.

Don't you worry. You're gonna come down soon.

We're moving in together.

What?! Oh, you're moving into Enzo's house?

No, we decided he's moving into the basement with me and Dougie.

Aah! That's great news!

And don't worry, Jan. We'll keep our lovemaking quiet.


And now the final award...

Oh, God. I can't watch.

[inhales sharply]

It's gonna be okay, Jan. I promise.

The award for outstanding educator goes to...

Gil Durnin.


Oh, my God! Oh!

Whoo-hoo-hoo! He did it! Yay!

I can't believe it. Brenda was wrong.

Wait. His really mean speech.

Oh, no.

Thank you, Dean Roberts.

[voice breaking] oh, boy. Thank you all.

[sniffles, sighs]

Can I have a tissue, please?

I love all of you so much.

He's being so sweet.


I love my family.

Oh, hell.

I love everyone in this auditorium.


Can I have a tissue, please?

I love Greg and Charles.

And, Joan, I love you.

And I'm sorry I keep stealing your yogurt.

It's that kind of love...

[normal voice] can one of you morons Get me a g*dd*mn tissue, for Christ's sake?!

And he's back.

Dad was so happy.

Yeah, he should be. He deserved that award.

He did.

Hey, at the ceremony, why did you tell my mom, "it's gonna be okay. I promise"?

I said that?

You did.

Yeah, okay.

I, uh... I did something.

Hey, pop, is your law partner Still on the board of puget sound college?

Don Bovington. Yeah. I think so. Why? What's up?

I need a favor.

Can you call him and tell him to make sure Gil Durnin wins The Psychology-Department award tonight?

On the promise that you never tell him I'm involved, Because that would hurt his pride, of course I will.

Ah! 10. Got him.

You did that? Really? Why?

'Cause he's your dad. He deserved it.


And I don't like how they shit on him at that place.

And he's family.

Nothing's more important than that.


You are my hero.


I'm gonna pay you back for this tonight In ways that are gonna blow your mind.

Yeah, that was the other reason.

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