06x10 - Basic RV Repair and Palmistry

[bunniefuu]

Three weeks earlier.

Huh?

You know how sometimes a movie or a show begins on a random, intriguing scene with no context given encouraging you to wonder whoa, how'd this crazy scenario come to be?

And then it cuts to black and a title comes up and says three weeks earlier.

Huh. Here we are.

Sitting in silence, crammed into an RV.

Winding through the mountain roads of Colorado with a 19 foot fiberglass hand tied to the roof.

If there was ever a time to cut to three weeks earlier it'd be right now.

Know what I mean?

Elroy you got any booze?

Don't go through my stuff!

This isn't a bus. You're standing in my living room, kitchen, and bedroom.

Ooh I never thought about that.

And your backyard is 24,900 miles long, because it's the circumference of the Earth.

Because you have no home.

Did anyone need water?

What else can we talk about?

I guess to make it really intriguing, one of us should be visibly injured in a way that makes you wonder how it happened Like if Britta had a black eye.

Dean, can I speak to you privately?

I'm pretty sure the answer is no.

Coming up.

You know, when I agreed to hold this thing for you and the school, you didn't say anything about six people sitting back there.

Man, I wonder what they're talking about.

God!

Who knows?

They're sealed off behind this soundproof vinyl.

I will drive my house off a cliff.

Elroy, we're not here to snoop or judge you.

You're not the first person to have dirty dishes, CD rom p*rn and framed photos of yourself with two biracial teenagers in a park.

It's not that.

All of this weight.

I may have miscalculated the mileage.

Darn it, I wanna hijack this RV, but I'm foiled by its impenetrable post-2001 security measures.

You keep driving and nobody else needs to know about this, understand?

The last thing we need is a panic.

What's going on?

Are we out of gas?

Yes!

It's on empty!

It's on empty!

Like, the needle is invisible.

Oh, my God!

There's no needle.

It's gone. It's underneath the plastic or maybe the engine tried to use it as the fuel.

Oh, stop yelling.

Well, stop being out of gas.

You're freaking me out.

You should be freaking out.

I have been driving for 25 years, and I have never seen so little gas in my life.

Aah! Stop, stop, I'm yelling even louder so you have to stop.

We're not in control of the gas, okay?

We have to focus on what we can control.

Is everyone's phone charged?

Yes. Charge your phones.

Good idea.

Okay.

Okay.

See?

We turned panic into preparedness.

Now if we do run out of gas, guess who's got fully charged phones?

Well charged.

Full battery.

For the love of God, stop charging your phones!

Aah!

Excuse me a moment.

What happened?

I'm not telling you!

Fair enough.

We're all gonna die!

All in favor?

And that solves the matter of the giant hand.

If there's no other business.

Yes.

I'd like to move that we establish this moment as the opening for a flashback.

No.

Meeting adjourned.

Oh, I guess we'll not doing the three weeks earlier thing.

Abed insert dialogue here by you dropping the fourth wall shtick.

Nice. Careful you don't flood it.

That's the fifth time you've reminded me not to flood something.

I'm sorry but it doesn't apply to our situation.

I'm gonna check the battery.

Can you send someone or not?

Can you please hold?

No, I can't hold.

Darn it.

When they put you on hold, you hang up and you call right back.

Frankie taught me that.

Hi, it's me.

Yeah, the one you put on hold.

See where that got you?

Can you send somebody or not?

Please hold.

Don't you dare.

When they put you on hold, hang up and call right back.

I can play this game all day.

I told you we need roadside service on - Could you please hold?

Oh, you can't be serious.

Well hello, guess who.

I got nothing but fingers and time, pal.

Road side service, Moffett pass.

All right, all right.

You, well, you could've told me that an hour ago.

RV is full of crazy ladies.

Your RV is full of crazy ladies, good bye.

Have any of you heard of Armed Forces Day?

Because apparently it's today and it's really boning us.

Yep, here it is, Armed Forces Day, huh.

Why would they put it in May?

It's just sitting there in Memorial Day's shadow like a m*llitary Hanukkah.

Fitting that both w*r holidays have to fight each other over the same month.

Notable that the one we remember is the one with the theme of memory.

Way to make this about justifying your unmarketable sensibilities.

Well, apparently Armed Forces Day is the big one for tow truck drivers.

Because there are three within 200 miles of this spot and they're all in the same parade.

Maybe it'll come by this way if we offer them instruments?

Nobody reroutes parades.

They rerouted Kennedy's parade.

So, we'll just call the CIA, tell them we want to assassinate the President, and we'll be home in time for Wheel of Fortune.

Who are we kidding?

That'll never work.

We got Britta'd, yes, I use it too.

I don't want anybody here blaming themselves for this.

I want everyone blaming Frankie.

What?

She is the reason we are here.

This is what happens when you make decisions outside the moment.

Whatever moment you were in the day you got on the Internet and bought a gigantic hand, I am proud to remain outside until I die.

You will baby.

And this is where logic gets you, stuck in a Rocky Mountain pass at sundown, gradually freezing to death.

And forced to decide somewhere in the backs of our heads, just in case, who we'd eat first.

Annie, right?

What? It's not a judgement, it's about biology.

What?

Craig, the hand currently crushing our lives is not about being in the moment.

You bought this thing we can't return with money we don't have, nobody knows why.

And your latest idea is to put it on the quad with a plaque that says give a hand to your brain.

Give your brain a hand.

You're making it sound stupid on purpose.

It's over Craig, you are lucky to have Frankie.

And you're lucky she was able to find some weirdo, excuse me, bigger weirdo on eBay willing to pay cash for it.

This is a lot of narrative pipe.

Maybe we did need a three weeks earlier flashback.

Abed. Is this a show?

I thought you said you knew it wasn't a TV show.

Season two you mean?

I don't know.

I can change my mind.

Well can I ask that it not be a show about you saying it's a show?

Because dumb.

You're dumb.

Go in the back.

Go in the back and sit by yourself.

Jeff.

Give him a sh*t. What's wrong with you?

I'm sick of it.

It's a show, it's not a show, it's your show, it's my show, it's a good show, it's a bad show.

I am sick of it.

I don't want to hear the word show again.

Show, show, show, is a show, show, show.

So now it's a show about this?

Oh, you're right, that's way worse.

Abed, come back.

Yes. Yay.

Abed, come back. Yes, yes, yes.

I'm not sorry.

It's not good to be back.

What the hell was that?

The battery is dead.

Flooded?

So help me God.

The RV has two batteries, a primary, and a second - Secondary.

We overloaded the electrical system, and k*lled the engine battery.

So now, the secondary battery has maybe three or four hours of juice - Charge, juice, charge.

Then we have a choice to make.

And Jeff can explain that choice.

No, it's your RV.

This was my show.

You didn't give a damn about that.

Abed, we're all on your side, so if you're also on your side, it's petty.

We could wait for a couple of hours and hope that the engine battery resets itself.

If it doesn't, then we're spending the night here, and at least we have the secondary battery to keep us warm for a few hours.

No, no, no, we're not spending the night here, so what's the second option?

Which I am nicknaming little course of action.

I rewire the secondary battery to the engine and hope it can start it.

If it doesn't we're spending a very cold night with two dead batteries.

Okay, let's switch the batteries then.

Good democracy.

Are we sure the secondary battery won't just die too?

Ha. It's a possibility.

It exists.

But I'm pretty confident, because the secondary battery only powers the cabin.

And we've kept the lights off and it goes without saying that we've all learned to stop charging our phones.

Why you all looking at each other like that?

And where are each of your phones now?

You know, I'm starting to suspect the unthinkable.

Namely, that in spite of all we've experienced, there's a cartoonish vampiric orgy of personal devices somewhere in the RV sucking away our remaining battery.

I only draw limited comfort from the fact that nobody's running to unplug anything.

You know what?

Say nothing.

I'll just, turn the light switch to the on position.

There is a bright side to this.

Most conventional weapons don't require electricity.

Are you going to eat me first?

Hear those crickets?

This would be a challenging place to practice your stand-up act.

So I rented Hotel Rwanda the other night.

And let me just say, not a date movie.

[CRICKETS].

What would Arnold Schwarzenegger sound like if he was bit by Dracula?

All in favor?

Then that solves the matter of the giant hand.

If there's no other business - If we're doing this I'd like to restate importance of telling some of this story with flashback.

What do you mean by restate?

Oh my god, I fell for it.

Meeting adjourned.

Why do we call them elbows?

Why not arm knees?

[CRICKETS].

Man, I am dying up here.

I'm scaling the blanket rations inversely to the wattage of each person's phone.

That way the person who k*lled us the most will die the soonest, which feels fair.

Right, Britta?

I can't go all night being this angry.

Heart att*cks run in my family and you people aren't worth it.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I caused the situation by not topping off the t*nk, and that vinyl accordion partition is a totem of distrust.

Sorry for that, too.

Elroy, that's big of you.

And for our part, we're sorry that charging our perfectly normal cell phones destroyed your weirdly fragile RV.

Okay, I'm sorry about that apology.

I'll try to be a better house guest.

Oh, no.

Sorry I've been unavailable, I've been trying to cut to three weeks earlier.

Really feels like we needed that.

I have something to apologize for as well.

Perhaps you recall earlier when it seemed as though we drove through a skunk patch.

Yeah, you were getting high.

Yeah, you were smoking pot.

Yeah, getting high.

You were getting stoned.

Oh, okay, I remember thinking I really pulled that one off.

You thought that because you were high.

You also thought that we were speeding cuz you kept seeing the same bird.

All in favor?

Then that solves the matter of the giant hand.

If there's no other business - Let me just explain the need for flashback here and don't interrupt - Okay, one quick thing and then you can talk about flashbacks forever.

Meeting adjourned.

Abed?

When they cut to three weeks earlier on TV, they're not traveling in time, dip ass.

Jeff.

Okay, my apology now.

I've had some time to think about it, and I've decided, I'm sorry for not asking people what they wanted before buying all the snacks for the trip.

Wow, really?

That's great.

What?

Think about it, it's the worst thing I've done on this trip.

I've been nailing it.

She has.

You have, I haven't been.

I shouldn't be yelling at the dean in front of any of you, it's unprofessional.

You're all right Frankie.

We got no complaints.

I forgive all of you.

What?

Then that solves the matter of the giant hand.

If there's no other business - In a normal road trip story the first act would end with us deciding to go on the trip.

The second act would be the trip ending with a disaster, and the third act would be us getting back.

The problem is that we've already decided to take this trip weeks from now, which means the story starts with us already on the road, which means the end of act one won't be us going on the trip, it'll have to be the disaster.

Which means something even worse has to happen in act two.

Unless we make the decision, right now, that act one is a flashback, so that the beginning story is now instead of then.

You forgive us?

Absolutely.

You turd!

I beg your pardon.

Guys?

You have no sense of accountability.

You're like a child.

If I'm a child, you're a child abuser.

No, not cool, Annie.

You never just said, leave my hand where it is, I like it there.

I demand it stay.

Because everyone complained about it.

Well, where's that commitment to spinelessness when we're all admitting we did stuff wrong?

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm a bad dean, okay?

No, that's what you always do.

That's not a real apology.

Jeff? Abed, shut up.

Go flashback and cut to stuff.

And you, say you're sorry for buying a giant hand and letting it sit around until we had to deal with it, and say it without crying.

No!

I'm an adult.

[CRYING] And you can't make me not cry.

You're all a bunch of bullies, and I will say, I'm sorry, however I want.

And by the way, I'm not sorry!

It's my giant hand and I love it.

We're not selling it.

Okay, this is like crate training a puppy.

Everyone suppress every instinct you have to let him out and sleep in bed with us.

Cold.

No, I mean, it's cold in the RV.

I don't care how we treat the dean tonight.

Abed, don't go out.

Did they send you out here to be mean to me too?

No.

Good.

Because I can't cry anymore unless someone brings me a Pedialyte.

Here.

Pretty comforting, huh?

We could've put it outside the Art Department, or Biology, or wood working if we remove one of the fingers.

You don't belong up here.

It's not right that you're up here.

You get it, don't you, Abed?

You know what's important about the hand?

No, I know what's important about the story, and I know we're structurally overdue for a disaster.

Oh, great.

Figures the one person on my side, is the one playing people chess.

Aah! Don't move, don't move!

What the hell else are we supposed to do?

Flashback with me.

What? Just trust me.

I set a flashback three weeks earlier.

It's how this story begins.

Close your eyes and concentrate.

And that solves the matter of the giant hand.

If there's no other business.

Oh, there's business.

Yeah, there's business.

When you tie the hand to the roof we'd like you to use extra thick straps please.

Extra thick.

Extra thick straps!

Reinforced.

All right. Meeting adjourned, great.

Extra thick straps!

Extra think straps.

Extra thick straps.

Extra thick straps.

There, that should do it.

Wha, wha, what should do it?

We made the straps extra thick.

Remember? No, I don't remember because it didn't happen.

It didn't?

Aah!

What?

Did something just fall off the roof?

That's a really stupid question, Annie.

Obviously something fell off the roof.

The question is what?

Abed, where's the dean?

Oh, damn, come on.

Okay, one, two, three.

Carefully, carefully.

How do you lose a hand off a person haphazardly?

You know what, Annie - Aah!

Dean, hang on.

Dean, we're so sorry, we love you.

Screw you!

Aah!

What?

Hey, that's my house.

We are not sorry, we hate you!

Are we gonna freeze to death?

I call the hand.

The fiberglass will preserve body heat.

What's wrong with me if that's hot?

Dean these temperatures are lowering our immune systems in a world that is swarming with weird people's unvaccinated toddlers.

Deal with it.

I'm gonna go run to the other side and see if he's locked that door too.

It probably undercuts my goals to announce it out loud but I'm a verbal thinker, I'm not even sure I have an idea until I say it.

They should make hiking boots with a compass in the toe.

Go!

But don't you.

Dean, we're sorry and we love you?

Nice uncontrollable question mark, Britta!

You can't even fake it!

Dean, we're sorry and we love you.

Super realistic, Annie, you're a real sociopath.

I saw all your true colors when the chips were down.

Abed is the only human among you!

And I think we all know how ironic that is, no offense, Abed.

None possible.

Abed, you bonded with him.

Talk to him.

You're alone in the end zone.

This ball is yours or nobody's.

I appreciate your appeal to my well know passion for athletics, and sarcasm, but I didn't actually bond with him.

I almost k*lled him.

My naive obsession with contrived flashback technique has kept me from being invested in any of this actual story.

I mean, what was it even?

A bunch of people in an RV? And I had to Christopher Nolan it?

Well, there you go.

Now you can forget all about stupid three weeks earlier flashbacks and be a hero by joining us here, in the moment, and talking to the dean like a human.

That's my arc.

That's your arc.

Okay, here we go.

If there's no other business.

I'd like to propose a heavy use of flashback in this episode.

No Abed, don't do it.

Thanks Abed.

Stop that.

Get your head our of your ass.

I don't know how. I'm over saturated with it.

Give me, I, I, I don't know what's real.

You are lying.

You have to be lying.

You enjoy this.

Stop this.

What has gotten into you?

Why are you shocked that he's alienated?

You get him to do something normal without abusing him.

Abed, listen.

This is a flashback remember.

The real story is happening in the future.

You actually flashed back to now to help us.

Okay, that was pretty good.

So sad what happened here, all those centons ago.

So sad.

So preventable.

Space Elder Abed, can you reach backward with your mind and save our species?

I can. I'm Space Elder Britta.

What are you guys talkin about?

I'm here now, child.

All will be made right.

Dean.

Abed.

I have discovered the meaning of the giant hand.

A hand has two functions, to grip and to release.

But without both of these powers, it is useless.

Like newborn infants, we grab what comes near us, hoping to control it, taste it, jam it into another child's eye.

But, the time we spend in control of our world, is the time we spend letting go of others.

Ideas, stories, pride, girls in soft sweaters, video games, buttered noodles, grip one for too long and you lose so much that you've never held.

This giant hand, was sent to all of us as an invitation.

To increase our mastery over the power to hold on.

And let go.

Sorry.

Dummy.

I kinda hate you.

The doors are locked on that side, too.

Took you long enough.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't poop.

Could you lie then?

Sure I can.

Sure I can.

I slapped a man.

Hi, this is Blake, the gentleman to whom you're selling the giant hand.

I am calling to confirm that you have the correct address?

We live at the end of a long driveway which often gets confused with a road.

Anyway, it's been many hours since our scheduled appointment time.

Again, it's Blake with a B, the purchaser of the giant hand.

Bye.

They're not coming, are they?

I don't know, Karen.

I left a message.

What are you gonna do with?

What am I gonna do with the giant watch?

I don't know.

I, I don't plan for failure.

Have you tried planning for success?

Does everything you do to this family have.

No.

Finish your thought.

Finish your thought.

Does everything have to do with me, purchasing oversize items on the Internet.

But, that's not what this is really about, is it?

It's not about a giant hand, or a giant watch.

Please don't.

It's about a normal sized son.

Who disappeared and it's all my fault, because I gave him a giant kite!

Yes, how could you not make that connection?

Why do you continue to buy giant size versions of everyday objects, when they are the reason our son is - Disappeared!

Disappeared.

They never found his body on the ground, which proves he's still up there waiting.

He's waiting for a better daddy, with a bigger hand.

Oh, really?

So then why the watch?

I thought it would look really cool.

I'm gonna walk the dog, and eventually leave you.

I'll put the watch in the garage.

And probably stop showering.