04x22 - And the Disappointing Unit

[bunniefuu]

[rock music]

Girls, I need your attention.

You also need a booster seat for most places.

No, I came out to tell you some big news.

You also came out when you wore that sweater to work today.

John Mayer wore this sweater in Details.

Tonight, we are trying family-style service.

I thought family-style service was what I had to do with my uncle.

Well, my family-style is more "potluck"... heavy on the pot, not so heavy on the luck.

Why would a family come here?

If I see a child in here, I'm calling the police.

It's like seeing a dog locked in a hot car.

Chicken cacciatore, family-style.

Liver and onions, family-style.

Spaghetti and meatballs, my family-style, which means the balls are kinda small, but the noodles are extra long.

You bring out the food in large bowls and the customers serve themselves, as they've been doing since I hired you two.

Good idea, Han.

The diner food does belong in a big bowl... the toilet bowl.

I don't know what your uncle saw in you.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪
[cash register bell dings]

Max, I just found something very upsetting on my phone.

Another free U2 album?

Worse.

And worse than an e-vite to a friend's improv show.

It's an e-mail from the managing director of all The High restaurants saying he's seen our sales and is disappointed with my performance.

Duh-lete... like I do with all the "disappointed in your performance" texts I get from guys after sex.

Sorry, gents! My boobs make a promise my bad back can't deliver.

Those bad sales numbers are not our fault.

Our unit's out at the airport.

Well, I'm not taking ownership of this because my unit is not at the airport.

It's in my bed table drawer.

I'm the manager. It's on me.

As is this tartar stain. It just refuses to come out.

You'd think it's parents were Baptist.

[bell rings]

Well, Manager, I need to get out of there early tomorrow to do Sophie's wedding cake, and also because you're annoying as a boss.

Hey, everybody!

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me...

I love being a bride. You don't even have to pretend it's about anyone else.

Kinda like me, when I was rich.

Pretty much every single day still.

Good news, bad news. The good news is the rash is not spreading past my nuts.

And that's the good news.

Bad news... the wedding donkey we booked for the church service d*ed.

I'll ask the obvious question.

Did it have anything to do with the rash?

I mean, what are we gonna do?

It's not a traditional Polish wedding without an ass walking down the aisle.

I think Oleg's got that covered.

Girls, we need an ass, you have a horse... same family, but not related, like the Jolie-Pitt kids.

No way. Chestnut is my baby.

Well, the donkey was getting a thousand bucks.

Baby's gotta work.

[rock music]

Wow, business is slower than the third season of House of Cards.

You know what's doing great business?

It's my new Grindr profile.

Changed my screen name to "Suction Junction".

That damn Cinnabon next door is taking all our business.

What kind of low lives would prefer those to these fine desserts?

I found a secret pathway to the Cinnabon kitchen!

Move, bitch!

Really? You too? I just don't get it.

It's an acquired taste, like crystal meth.

[cell phone chimes]

Ugh.

Great. My waiter's gonna be late again.

"Held up at the TSA line."

That's what I get for hiring an airport waiter named Mohammed Machdinajihad.

Oh, look, Ronnie, a new place.

I see it, Bonnie, I'm right next to you.

Didn't this used to be the bar we got wasted in before our flights?

I can't remember. I was wasted.

[both laugh]

Welcome to The High... the finest in high quality desserts.

We also have yogurts, cappuccinos, lattes, coffee, herb teas, or smart waters.

And did I mention we're a Boingo Hotspot?

Take it down a notch.

You're selling it harder than Anne Hathaway on The Tonight Show.

Oh, hi, I'm not here to buy, just to look.

On a diet... since 1998.

Oh dear lord, those look amazing.

Can I just smell a piece?

Bonnie, don't.

It'll get you going, and then halfway to Paris, I'll find you in coach binging on a bag of Sun Chips.

That's my favorite thing about the job.

[both laughing]

Oh, Paris reminds me.

I bought two first class tickets to Paris... on three credit cards that will escalate 20% over six years... anyway...

I really need to return them.

What's the window on that with your airline?

A month... about the same amount of time I have until this fake smile finally falls off my face.

Lady, we're flight attendants.

If that smile falls off your face, you're gonna have to get a job at Southwest.

Why are you returning them? You don't like Paris?

J'adore Paris, but long story short...

Uh, I'll make it short because she's incapable and will throw in lots more of that fake French.

Bought the tickets so that I could get to the gate to see a guy I was banging.

I hear ya.

I once hid in the luggage cart for 12 hours to do it with this cute guy who works at Customs here.

Oh, right. Rick. What's he doing now?

Me, every third Tuesday.

[laughing]

Ahh, don't leave me hanging, ladies.

Ah. If we hadn't just read Lean In in our wine club... I mean book club...

We'd be real jealous of you gals.

We always had a dream to open a shop at the airport.

Well, whatever it is, just don't open near a Cinnabon because failure smells a hell of a lot like cinnamon.

female voice: Final boarding call for flight 24 to Paris. Final boarding call.

Final boarding call? We better hurry.

[both laughing]

Wow, everything looks so much smaller in here than I remembered it.

Like returning to your old high school... or your old high school boyfriend's penis.

Not mine. I went to an urban high school.

What's that weird smell?

Probably that milk. It's been in here so long, its own photo was on the carton.

No, it's over here. Really pungent.

Yes!

Mm... I might owe you two some rent.

Unless you wanna settle in weed.

I always wanna settle in weed.

In fact, I plan to retire there.

Marijuana's in the closet?

This is more shocking than Meredith Baxter-Birney.

Look, I figured since you two abandoned the cupcake shop, this space was available.

Also, I stopped asking permission for stuff when I turned 70.

We did not abandon it.

We just haven't paid attention to it in 3 months, like me with any hair above my mid-thigh.

Tell me about it.

When you bend over in that skirt, it looks like you're giving birth to Art Garfunkel.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!

Oh, good. Earl, you're here.

Yes, I am. Don't tell any of my ex-wives.

Earl, would you do me the honor and walk me down the aisle tomorrow night?

Sophie, sorry.

I didn't know your father was dead.

Did he die upon meeting Oleg?

Oh, he's not dead, but I'm not getting upstaged by an iron lung.

Well, Earl, how could you say no to such a heartfelt request?

I'd be honored, Sophie.

Like the wedding saying goes, Something old, something new, something borrowed, and someone black.

Oh, Caroline, look.

Here are the pink ribbons for Chestnut.

Chestnut has to be covered in girly ribbons?

I can't do that to my boy.

I'll throw in another 50.

I guess there's a reason "horse" sounds so much like "whore."

Now, we're all gonna leave for the church at 6:00, but I told Earl 4:00, 'cause, well... You know.

♪ Mm-hm hm hmm ♪

What's happening over there?

Max, you're humming!

[scoffs] What?

[laughs] Please...

I am not a hummer.

I mean, I'll drive in them, I'll give them, but I am not one.

[continues humming]

Oh, my God, I am humming! What's wrong with me?

What am I gonna do next, smile?

That's right! Today's special promotion, in and out in five minutes or your dessert is half off.

Eat it, Cinnabon.

Pear tart and a coffee. Come on, I'm on a clock here.

Who had the damn pear tart and a coffee?

Max, hurry! Five minutes, in and out!

Yeah, the one thing you don't have to explain to me is "in and out."

I need help! I never said I was fast.

All my high school guidance counselors did, but I did not.

I'll go get John off break because my waiter still isn't here.

This whole Middle East situation is just so inconvenient for me.

Okay, now we have a real situation.

You hit someone. Damn it, Max.

It's not about me. It's Sophie.

Her gown arrived from Poland and it's stuck in customs out here.

Sophie on phone: My gown!

My beautiful gown!

[screaming] Oh, my God! My gown!

Wow. She is really upset.

Really upset, 'cause this isn't even on speaker.

Yes, it's awful, but look on the bright side.

Our certain-to-be-hideous bridesmaids dresses are stuck in customs too.

No, those arrived.

Damn it! First, it's the Middle East, now those dresses.

I cannot catch a break.

Wow, this place is packed.

Remember us? Bonnie and Ronnie?

We knew you when.

Hey, wait, uh, Ronnie, didn't you say that you boned a guy in customs?

That was Bonnie. I have standards... and he didn't like me.

To be clear, I did have sex with the customs guy, but not in customs.

It was in one of those family bathrooms.

Look, is there any way you could help us get a package out of customs?

Wait... What bra am I wearing?

Oh, done!

[both laugh]

John, we're leaving. You're in charge.

Max! We can't leave right now.

The wedding's not till tonight and we're in the middle of a store promotion and we're losing.

You know I'm gonna k*ll you, right?

I just have to figure out how.

Top contender is hooking your necklace on the front gate and pushing up.

We'll stay as late as possible.

Just pick up Sophie's dress box and hop on the subway.

Easy peasy.

male announcer: Watch the closing doors, please.

[struggling] Ugh... oho...

Why is nothing easy peasy?

♪ ♪
♪ ♪

male voice: Watch the closing doors, please.

I am watching the doors!

It's hard not to. They're about to eat my box.

[laughing]

[mocking laugh]

Yeah, real funny, sir.

A girl said, "Eat my box." Grow up.

[whimper] Jeez! How could a dress be this big?

This is just the veil.

I have to get something out of my bag.

Hold this by yourself for a second.

[groans]

I can't find it. Here, take this.

What is this?

A hundred dollars in change.

We need it for the wedding. It's a Polish custom to throw change at the bride.

Loose change? Live animals?

Is this a wedding or a cock fight?

Max, this is heavy!

What do you have to get out of your bag?

Something important.

What is it?

The rest of my Cinnabon.

Max, that's our competition!

The reason for our failure is that piece of crap.

I mean, I ca...

Oh, my God, this is delicious!

No! Max, he's got the money bag.

[yelp] [scattering coins]

No... No! No, no, no!

That is our Polish bride money!

Back off!

This is not the day to the screw with me.

I'm at the business bottom and I've had nothing to lose since 2011.

[screeching brakes] [loud clunk]

male voice: Queen's Plaza.

Yup. That's what would happen next.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

What's the hold up back there?

People are placing bets that I'm halfway to Reno with a hooker and the wedding cash.

Relax. After that subway, Max and Caroline needed some time to freshen up.

They came smelling like that diner cheese I tell you all is still good.

Hey, everybody!

We look just like Sophie!

I am so relieved.

I thought I'd be way overdressed but I'm just under-boobed.

Yeah, we were in a hurry or I would have loaned her a cup of mine.

All right.

Oleg, stop looking at us like that.

It's okay. I'm marrying you.

You guys look like the Four Tops.

Well, two tops and a bottom.

Oleg, Sophie doesn't want you to see her.

Jump on Chestnut and start down the aisle.

And Chestnut, I'm sorry, baby.

I know you never wanted to do drag.

And, Han, you're supposed to take this in case something happens in the aisle.

This just went from best man to worst job.

[bombastic music]

♪ ♪
♪ Hey! ♪

Hi.

What do you think, girls?

Do I look like a virgin?

[horns sound]

I heard the tubas. That's my cue! Go, girls. Go!

[brassy folk music]

♪ ♪
♪ ♪

Oh, God!

Her dress almost k*lled us and now it k*lled Earl.

[gasps] Thanks.

I thought I was a goner.

[organ music]

Time for the vows.

Bring the crowns!

And crowned is married...

[drawn out] with honor.

Ohhh...

Raise the crowns to their heads.

Better go. This is as good as it's gonna get without a ladder.

I, Sophie Kachinsky... take you, Oleg Golishevsky to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, never to leave your side 'til death comes to take me.

I, Oleg Golishevsky, take you, Sophie Kachinsky, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, never to leave your side 'til death comes to take me.

I pronounce you husband and wife!

[applause]

Max, now you throw the coins.

[coins clunking faintly]

Long story.

Wow, girl, your fingers work fast.

[giggles] Must be from years of opening those 501 button-fly jeans...

Mine and others'.

Max, I'm done waiting. I need that piece of cake right now.

We just had a close call in the air.

So close, we gave the finger to the pilot in the plane next to us.

We almost crashed, and I didn't wanna go down screaming, "I should have opened a daycare center!"

I usually go down screaming, "You didn't buy me dinner!"

Bonnie, let's admit it.

We're never gonna go for our dream, just like we never went to get those colonics.

If we really wanted our own business, we would have done it already, like Max and Caroline did.

You're right, we did.

John, cut these two the biggest piece of coconut macadamia nut cake we have.

Oh my god. I think I just climaxed.

Well, then pull your panties on and slink the hell out like you usually do.

[both laugh]

Caroline, I need to talk to you.

What are you doing?

Working! I'm very sick.

Bonnie and Ronnie out there just reminded me of something.

I mean, besides two aunts drunk on vacation.

We have our own business. The High isn't our failure.

We already have our very own failure called Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

And if we stay here, we're building someone else's dream, not ours.

Also, if we stay, your ass will be the size of a house.

I mean, when was the last time you felt happy here?

Like 30 seconds ago when you said this place wasn't our failure and I remembered I was holding another one of these in my other hand.

Let's get out of this airport.

We never have to see another Nicholas Sparks novel again.

First, we have to get rid of those two plane tickets to Paris.

Do we?

I mean, if we're gonna fail we can still do that after a week in Paris, right?

Right.

I'm so stoked! I've never been in first class.

Except, Max, this is coach.

I got a refund on one ticket and traded in the other to buy two coach tickets and to pay for a cheap hotel.

I'm so stoked. I've never been in coach.

[giggles] And also so we have money to spend.

We should be able to do Paris for a week on $12.

Of course, we can.

What's the difference between coach and first, anyway?

The champagne.

We'll be back with the good crackers, and I don't mean us.

[both laugh]

Well, partner, after all we've been through this year, whatever comes next, I kinda feel ready for it.

Bonnie: Flight crew, prepare for take-off.

[humming]

Hey, now you're humming.

I am?

Hey, can I trade this in for a beer?