01x07 - Stages

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Your Family Or Mine". Aired April - June 2015.
Based on a popular Israeli comedy, "Your Family Or Mine" revolves around Oliver and Kelli, who are living proof of the adage, "When you marry someone, you don't just marry them, you marry their whole family".

It is a family comedy with an unusual structure - each episode focuses on a different side of the family: one week featuring the couple dealing with Kelli's family, the next spent with Oliver's.
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01x07 - Stages

Post by bunniefuu »

Your mom's gonna make gripple for dinner, you know.

We don't know that.

Yes, we do.

She hasn't made it in a month.

It's coming.

I can feel it.

Okay, yes, my mom is a bad cook, and this weird family casserole recipe is her worst one, but, honey, we've all been pretending to like it for generations.

Do you want to be the one to tell her the truth?

If you said I could, I would tell her right now.

Say it right to her face.

Exactly. No one wants to.

At least the girls don't have to eat it.


It was kind of sad dropping them off at camp earlier.

I know.

A whole week with no kids. What are we gonna do?

Let's be naked! Like, the whole time!

We are so doing that.

Although, with the girls out of town for a week, we should probably take the opportunity to repaint their rooms.


Hey, maybe we should paint them naked.

Oh, no.

I painted naked in college once.

It gets everywhere everywhere.

And it burns.

I couldn't have sex for two days.

And was that a big deal for you in college to go for two days?


Do you want it to not have been a big deal?

I want you to have never had sex with any other person before me.

Then it is so great that that's exactly what happened!


Man: Okay everybody, look at me.

Hello, hello.


Hello, hello.


[Sniffs] Smell that?

It's gripple.

Hear that?

It's my taste buds committing su1c1de.

Hello, hello!

Hello, hello, Mom.


[Both smooch]

Hello, hello.


[Both smooch]

Hello, hello!

Claire. We didn't see you out there.

Really? I said hi.

Maybe you couldn't see me through all the bags I'm carrying.

I didn't realize you were gonna be here tonight, Claire.

I thought you did that silly stretching thing on Monday nights.

Oh, you mean yoga. Not anymore.

My breathing was distracting some of the other women.

So, then I tried to hold my breath, and I passed out.

Well, Claire, if I'd known you were coming, I wouldn't have put peanuts in the gripple.

Oh, that's okay. I won't eat.

I'm used to skipping meals because of my allergies.

When I was a kid, my parents cooked thai food a lot.

Didn't they know you were allergic to nuts?

They knew, but my mom always said,

"the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the Claire."

Well, then I'll just throw together a nut-free gripple.

But don't feel bad about it, Claire, although it is your fault.

You got the goods?

I got you, Dad.

Why are you encouraging him?

It's not my fault the man loves his scratchers.

I mean, look at him. He's semi-retired.

Let him have a little fun.

It's not like he's snorting cocaine off a stripper.

Are those the only two options?

Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Look at this. Huh?

A winner right out of the gate, huh?

A dollar!

Your sister's d*ad.


She hasn't texted me back all day.

So, you automatically assume she's d*ad?

Yeah. Girls always text me back.

Let me get this straight.

You and Dani are dating again now, and you're upset because she hasn't texted you back?

Whoa, no. I didn't say I was upset. I said she's d*ad.

But you are upset.


I've never seen you upset about a girl before.

You really do... You're always like,

"Dani's so hot. I like Dani.

Claire is beautiful. Dani's awesome."

Blake, let me ask you a question.

Is Dani one of the first things you think about when you wake up in the morning?

Yeah, I guess.

And when you go to sleep at night?

Yeah, one of the last few things.

Hate to tell you this, buddy, but you're in love.

[Laughs] Wait, what?

Oliver, you got to get up here right now.

What's wrong?

It's an emergency! Come!

Hey, hey, hey. Look at this. Another one.

A dollar! Another winner!

The millennium falcon.

[Gasps] No!





I don't know!

It must have got knocked off the shelf or something.

Look at it.

Shattered into 1,000 pieces right there.


She must have done it while she was cleaning.

And probably walked all over it and didn't even realize 'cause of those big hospital shoes she wears.

Man, we spent an entire summer building the millennium falcon.

6,000 pieces.

I know. The summer of truce, man.

That was the longest we ever went without fighting.

It was cool.

Like we were friends more than brothers.

That was probably my best summer, you know?

I think that's the first time we truly bonded.

Dude, are you gonna cry?

No, dude. I don't cry, okay?

You sure? I could get you a tissue.

Or a tampon.

I mean, if you don't want to use it right now, you can just put it in your purse.

Son of a b*tch!

Hey, is that...

Ooh, one of Louis' scratchers.

These things are so stupid.

No one ever wins.

I know. They're such a scam.

They say all the money goes to education.

I'm not seeing it.

We're gonna scratch it, right?

Yeah, we are.


Oh, there's a heart.

Piggy bank.

Mm. A diamond.

Hey, another diamond.


A coffin? That can't be good.


Third diamond. [Gasps]

Three diamonds means $2,000.

Shut your face!

That's a lot of money.

Louis is gonna be so happy.


We're gonna be so happy.

You guys are way wrong, by the way.

I'm not in love.

Okay. Except that you are.

No way. I do not fall in love.

That's for puppies and old people.

Oliver and I are in love.


Let me ask you this.

Do you guys ever hang out without getting physical?

No. Never.

Well, except this weekend, we did watch a movie in bed together, and we ended up falling asleep.

But if we hadn't, totally would have done it.

What movie was it?

I don't want to say.

What movie?

It was "Love Actually," okay?

More like "in love actually."

Ricky, you got a band-aid?

I got a... I got lottery finger.

Louis, have you taken anything out of those drawers?

No. Why? You missing something?

I-I can help you find it.

No, no, no. It's nothing. Nothing.

Got to be here somewhere. [Chuckles]

Things don't just up and disappear.

Everything going okay, Ricky?

Oh, yeah.

I'm just a little stressed, you know?

I have to make not one but two gripples thanks to Claire's weak immune system.

And I have a house full of people who are desperately hungry for my famous dish.

I don't need the thing that I'm looking for.

I just want it. It's no big deal.

Doesn't happen to be a band-aid in there anywhere?

Okay. This shouldn't be so hard to fix.

Easy breezy here. We got this.

We can put this together in like five minutes, right?

Yeah. Let's make it take a little bit longer.

Kind of like being up here away from everybody.

It nice, isn't it?

Yeah. It really is.

Let's just hang out up here for a while, man.

Just pretend like it's 1990 again.

Build some legos together, make jokes that imply the other one is a woman.

It'll be great.

Oh. That's crazy. Claire just texted me.

She said, apparently, you're late for your ballet class.

What's that about?

We can keep it, right?

They call it finders keepers for a reason.

It's like a law.

Totally. This is ours. We just won $1,000 each.

I know what I'm spending mine on.

Me, too. Let's say it at the same time and find out.

Okay, okay. Ready?

Okay. Yeah.

One, two, three.

That dress I've always wanted.

Something for Jason.


Leticia, it's miss Ricky.

No, no. The house is very clean, thank you.

But that's not why I'm calling.

Did you take something of mine from the desk drawer in the kitchen?

You know what I'm talking about! Where is it?!

No, I'm not yelling. I'm not yelling.

And I know that you are at church with your family, but miss Ricky needs her smokes.

You know this is all your fault, right?

If you would have just let me keep the falcon at my house, this never would have happened.

Um, the reason why I didn't let you keep the falcon at your house is 'cause I built most of it.

Are you kidding me?

This was all me.


I built both turrets. Both turrets!

That's detailed work, man.

Meanwhile, you were just sitting there sticking on pre-assembled g*n and reading those dirty magazines that you found in dad's closet.

I guess I was the only one interested in women back then.

I was ten.

Like a girl.


How can you be ten like a girl?

Still your fault.

It's not my fault, by the way.



Oh! W-wait! Wait! I just realized something.


You throw like a girl.

Do I tackle like a girl?


Why aren't you texting me back?!

Dropped my phone by accident.

Slippery little sucker.

Carry on.

So, anyway, the dress has an empire waist, and it's this gorgeous liberty print, and the skirt is cut on a bias.

I don't know what any of that means, but they sound great.

I think I'm just gonna give Jason the money, and then he can get whatever he wants.

That's crazy.

That makes me not even want to give you 50%.

What do you mean give me 50%?

Of my scratcher.

Your scratcher?


I'm the one who picked it up.

But I saw it first.

Oh, it's called finders keepers, not seers keepers.

I have always said, "seers keepers."

You're such a liar.

I may not even give you 40% now.

It went down.

No, it's always been 30%.

Ricky: You don't need it, Ricky. You can do this.

You have your family.

They're counting on you to provide their favorite meal.

But you can also run to the store real fast.

Three minutes if you run the stop sign at maple.

No, the gripple needs to be constantly stirred in a "G" motion.

You're not going.

Grandma Olga would never forgive you if the outer crust collapses before it's supposed to.

Screw it! I'm going!


Damn it! [Sighs]

I have to finger the gripple.

What are we fighting about?

Even if we split it, it wouldn't feel right to keep the money.

It's Louis'.

He doesn't even need it. Look at this place.

It's like a palace.

Yeah. And he has a beard like an old-timey king.

What if instead of giving him the winning scratcher back, we bought him a present something nice?

That's totally fair.

I mean, we did all the scratching work.


So, what does Louis like?

Um... sitting down.

Mm-hmm. Sure.

Oh, I know. Scratchers.

[Gasps] Bingo.

We'll buy him a scratcher to replace the one we took.



That is the most fair thing I've ever heard.

Super fair.

And we can give it to him while he's sitting down, huh? Mm-hmm.



[Both laugh]

We are horrible people, aren't we?

The worst.

[Scoffs] Now this is exactly like 1990.

Me doing all the work and you looking at dirty magazines.

How did I ever get excited by this?

So much bush.

Man, I would give anything to have the falcon back.

I would trade Claire to have it back.

You say that about everything.

No, I don't.

You said that about the Seahawks winning the super bowl.

Yeah, but the Seahawks won without me having to trade her, so we're good.

I figured it out.

I'm just gonna sleep with as many girls as I can until I forget about Dani.

I'm gonna screw the love out of me.

It ain't gonna work.

Trust me on this one. I've already tried it.

I knew you used to k*ll it, buddy.

Here's what could work.

You find something that you really don't like about her...

Stray hair, a mole, a hint of a penis.

And you... you focus in on that.

I can't think of anything.

[Laughs] Oh, you are so [Bleep]

Who cares? Nothing matters.

Who cares? Nothing matters.

Who cares?

Nothing matters.


Who cares? Nothing matters.

How come some of them only show one tit?

Here it is, fresh out of the oven.

It congealed perfectly.

This is the one with peanuts, and this...

Is Claire's.

This much? A-all for me?

I substituted the peanuts with prunes.

Thank you so much.

Well, go ahead. Dig in.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

I guess we got to do this, guys.

The gripple's not gonna eat itself.

Eventually, it might.

So, we're doing this, right? We're giving it back?

Oh, yeah. We have to.

I have been to the bathroom five times.

Guilt makes me pee. Always has.

Once, when I was five, I stole a candy bar, and they caught me by following the trail.

If you have any stories from your childhood that aren't upsetting, I'd love to hear them.

Okay. I'll try to think of one.

You know, eating this makes you think about how short life really is.

You're eating it?

No, it's in the roll.

I usually wait till it stops pulsating.

Let's do this.


Uh, Louis.

Claire and I found one of your scratchers on the floor and we scratched it.

I'm sorry. We should have told you earlier.

Well, what happened? Was it a winner?


Enjoy your winnings.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You enjoy the winnings.

The money's for you.

No, I'm not in it for the money.

I'm in it for the rush.


We can keep it?

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome. You're my girls.

Hey, listen, I had an idea.

We're never gonna fix that millennium falcon, right?

So, how about this.

We wait until the new "star wars" movie comes out, and the first lego set they release, we put it together.

This time, we do it with our kids.

You know, I like that. That's good thinking, Bro.

Or... we could just do it by ourselves.

[Cellphone chimes]

Ooh. Oh, oh, oh. I got a text.

Is it Dani?

What does it say?

"Sorry, just got your text. I left my phone at an all-night soundbath. It's a bath for your mind. Will explain later. Love you."

[Both gasp]

She said, "love you"! [Chuckles]

Uh, is my chest supposed to be hurting right now?

Yeah. That's what love feels like.

And it also kind of feels like I'm gonna puke.

That could be the gripple.


He's in love. What a girl.


Maybe we should get him a tampon.

I kind of like being in love. [Laughs]

Who are you in love with, honey?

Is she from a good family?

Is it someone we know?

Uh, Mom, you forgot the sour cream.

Oh. Oh, my gosh, you're right.

I'll be right back.

Thanks, honey. That was a close call.


Dude, what are you doing?

I'm about to eat all my gripple.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

It was me!

What was?

I took the cigarette.

I did it because I care about you.

You knew about it?

Of course I did.

I don't want to see you smoking anymore.

Okay. I get it.

It's a terrible habit, and... and I'm done.

All right?


So, I can get rid of it?

We better get in there before the kids eat all the gripple.


Hello, old friend Walking around naked is not all it's cracked up to be.

No, no it is not.

Your stuff's hanging out, it's cold, and frankly... it's unsanitary Naked pancakes sounded like such a good idea I know, that was my bad, sorry. It's just kind of flapped into the bed on its on Well the important thing is that we tried.

Yes. Totally Are you seriously still going to eat that?

What? It was my penis.

You love my penis.

I do. And I love pancakes.



Does this count as a blowjob?

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