03x03 - Ex-Pod

[bunniefuu]

The line at the post office was ridiculous.

Wow. This is a lot of stuff, man.

We gotta go through all this stuff?

Yeah. What do you think this is?

I don't know. Looks exciting, though.

Open it up. [ Tape rips ]

Every day's like my birthday.

Yeah, happy birthday.

No, it's not today. I meant that because I get so much, it's...

I was just going with your simile.

I...

What?! Awesome!

Look at that!

That was a weird experience for me, to see me pulled out of a box at that size.

That is amazing! You have very talented fans.

That is my gift to you, so you can take it back to your car.

Whoa, Marc, no way. I couldn't.

I mean, somebody put a lot of work into that because they wanted you to have it, not me.

That's exactly right, but I think it's a testament to my appreciation for you that I would give that painting to you.

I also have nowhere to hang it in this house.

So take it back to your place and hang it in your bedroom.

Mnh, that would be weird.

So let's, uh, let's get on with this.

Okay. Where to start? How about this CD?

All right. Who is it?

The Stupids.

Nah.

Okay.

Hmm. B.J. Novak's new book?

Wow. I just fell asleep in the middle of you saying that.

Um... Okay.

[ Scoffs and laughs ]

Here's a dumb name... Michelle Coyote.

Holy sh*t! That's my ex-wife.

She wrote a book! She finally did it.

Wow. Good for her.

Hmm. Think it's about me?

Mm, doesn't seem like it's about you.

It's called "Please Daddy, Why?"

I don't know.

Could still be kinda about me, in a sideways way.

Let me see it. Hmm.

It's weird that she would just send you her book without telling you. Oh, she didn't send it to me.

She doesn't ever wanna talk to me again.

Her publisher sent it without knowing about it. Right?

God! I wonder what's in this book.

Dude, read it for me and tell me if she mentions me.

Oh, come on. You want me to read this whole book?

Why don't you read it? She's your ex-wife.

Yeah, it's just too painful for me.

Could you highlight the portions that she mentions me, if she does?

[ "The Poisoned Well" plays ]

♪ Won't fall for it ♪
♪ you can't see ♪
♪ and you can't tell ♪
♪ I just can't drink ♪
♪ from the poisoned well ♪

I haven't really talked to her in, like, seven years.

I mean, it would be insane to have her on the show.

I... I might lose my sh*t.

It might be horrible.

Yeah.

You gotta do it, give her a piece of your mind.

She deserves it.

Hey, I deserve it for putting up with all your little crying phone calls.

That's what friends do, Dave.

Yeah. [ Sighs ] But we're not really friends.

[ Laughs ] Was kind of pathetic.

I gotta do it.

Yeah.

She's moved on. Let it go.

She doesn't have any unresolved stuff.

How is that even possible, Andy?

I mean, she left me without warning.

She destroyed my life. She took all my money.

She doesn't talk to me anymore. It's gotta be eating at her.

How do you know anyways?

We still see her sometimes. She's doing well.

What? I don't believe this.

What kind of underhanded, cowardly, betraying, Judas-like, backstabbing bullshit is that, Andy?

Wow. That was a lot of words.

I-I amaze myself.

We were all friends.

Oh, no, I never liked her.

I just didn't wanna get in the middle of anything.

I don't even know who you are anymore. You're out.

What does that mean?

I don't know. I don't wanna get in the middle of anything.

Does she ever ask about me?

No.

Never, actually.

All right, that's it.

I'm following up with her publisher, I'm gonna try to get her on the show.

That would be a mistake, and I'm saying that as your friend.

Well, as a friend, you're dead to me.

As an acquaintance, your advice means nothing.

♪♪

Man: So you're married now with two children.

Michelle: Yes.

But this isn't your first marriage, is it?

I was briefly married to a comic for a few years, yeah.

Marc Maron, right?

Yes.

But we all make a lot of mistakes when we're young.

Ugh.

It's not important.

I don't talk about that part of my life in the book.

Okay.

Monkey, I think we were just nicely called a mistake on PBS.

Buddy? [ Pats bed ]

Monkey?

Do you remember Michelle?

She "briefly" lived here for a while.

♪♪

The publisher said she'll do the show, but she doesn't wanna get into any personal stuff with you.

She just wants to talk about the book, which I finished, by the way, and you are not mentioned in once.

Not at all. It's a very good book.

Okay. All right. But it doesn't add up, does it?

I mean, why would she agree to do it?

She must want to connect with me.

I mean, she knows it's loaded.

Or maybe she's being professional and knows that a lot of people listen to your podcast, and she wants to sell some books?

Nah, screw that.

Or not.

I should've called her myself.

I didn't want to ruin the potential rawness.

All right.

I will not guarantee anything, but I'll agree to it.

You're not even gonna try, are you?

No. Of course not.

Mary Lynn.

Yes. Hello.

I've known... Hi. How are you?

I feel like I've known you since you were a child.

Is that possible?

I ha... that is possible.

And I never thought that you would be, like...

That you would be, like, a road comic.

I almost felt like I had to conquer it and go out on the road.

Well, who comes to see you?

A lot of people that know me from "24."

But what are... Who are those people?

Like, what are they like? - They... they don't leave the house very much.

Oh, really? They've never been to a comedy club.

And they're expecting to see Chloe O'Brian, computer genius, that... which I'm not.

You don't know anything about computers?

No. I don't know anything. They think it might be real. [ Laughing ]

That's so sad and beautiful.

They wanna know, is Kiefer my best friend in real life?

[ Groans ]

They expect him to be there with me.

So powerful.

It is. I mean that's the thing.

It's a huge compliment to that show, that people are very attached to it.

I guess that's one way. That's one side of it.

[ Laughs ] What's the other side?

Very sad that people can't tell the difference between reality and a TV show.

They're excited.

They love me and they love my character.

So we've been through a lot.

Yeah.

And... and you've been through a lot of relationships.

And I-I'm, uh, I'm getting a bit cynical.

I mean... you just gotta keep trying. Open your heart.

What's the benefit of this heart-opening business?

Let joy in.

No! No! That's terrifying. [ Chuckles ]

Do you think you enjoy feeling... Bad?

No, but I think I'm used to it.

Mm.

I thought you were gonna...

Speaking of that, I have to see my ex-wife today...

Oh, no.

And I haven't talked to her in years.

Well, that's not good. No wonder. That's heavy.

You p... Are you today for this?

What?

You gotta ground yourself.

All right. I will do it.

You know where you stand with her?

No.

You know what you expect?

I have no... no.

Oh, God. This is gonna be a mess.

You're gonna be crying the whole time.

[ Whispers ] Oh.

Okay. That was very helpful.

This is an odd interview.

All of a sudden, I feel like I'm trying to help you.

Well, sometimes that's the way it goes. [ Laughing ]

[ Laughs ] What?

Hey, thanks again for doing it.

Sure.

Can we just do a selfie for the web site?

Yeah.

[ Camera shutter clicks ] Mm-hmm.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, could we do another selfie?

Yeah, sure.

Oh. [ Muffled ] Mm-hmm.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Kisses ] Yeah.

Mary Lynn: Right. Okay. Right?

Yeah.

Marc?

Oh, hey, Coyote.

This is Mary Lynn, my friend.

Hi. This is Michelle, my ex-wife.

I love your work. It's nice to meet you.

Oh, thank you. Thanks. All right, I'll see you.

Okay, I'll see you later.

Okay.

[ Sighs ] Uh...

Are... You ready to do this?

Okay. Come on in.

Welcome home.

It's a joke. Come on.

Bad joke.

[ Exhales deeply ] Oh.

Wasn't sure I could come back here. [ Closes door ]

It's like returning to the scene of a crime.

Oh, come on. That's a little extreme, isn't it, Michelle?

No, not really.

Some of the worst times of my life happened here.

Well, there were some good times, right? [ Exhales slowly ]

There was... some fun was had, or am I just making that up?

Yeah, there were some good times.

Some of the best times of my life.

But they really got buried by the bad times.

Remember when we moved in?

Yeah, I do.

This is amazing!

I never thought I'd have a house.

Weird. Did... Did we get ripped off, man?

I mean, this...

This place seems shoddy now that we're in it.

I mean, it's smaller.

Doesn't it seem small? Am I crazy?

I mean... [ Scoffs ]

Is our sh*t even gonna fit in this house?

Of course it will.

It's gonna work out great.

I'm so sick of being screwed! You know what I mean?

This place is like a shack!

It's a g*dd*mn shack!

What a great day.

This is amazing! I'm so excited!

I never thought I'd have a house.

I love you so much. Mwah.

It's really great. I'm so happy.

[ Giggles ]

Wow!

I can't wait to get settled in.

I love you, too! Mmm!

Aw! [ Laughs ]

Come on, let's look around.

Yeah.

Yeah. Great.

Did you read my book?

Yes. I loved it.

I was just happy it wasn't about me.

I'm not gonna write a book about us.

It's bad enough when people Google my name, you come up.

What comes up?

Your one-man show about me is, like, 3rd thing down Mm-hmm.

What was it called again?

"Screw Her."

Well, it... it was a very honest show.

All right? I cried during that show.

Good for you.

I cried during most of our marriage.

You mind if I keep looking at the house?

No. It was once your house.

Bathroom. Good times.

[ Mouth full ] Love you.

[ Mouth full ] I love you.

You gettin' it?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

[ Chuckles ] [ Chuckles ]

[ Coughs and spits ]

Eh.

[ Knock on door ]

What? I'm peeing.

I gotta go. It's an emergency situation.

Well, hold on a sec.

Oh, God. [ Groans ]

What? I can't.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I feel... ohh.

Wow. Ohh!

I just... I'm sorry. I couldn't wait.

[ Exhales sharply ] You could've gone outside.

[ Urine trickling ]

I, I didn't even think of that.

How's the family?

Everybody's fine. Thanks for asking.

How many kids you got now? Like, six?

Just two.

Uh-huh. How's goofus?

His name is Jerry.

I was close.

No. He's fine, Marc.

He's busy.

Well, busy's good.

Those curtains.

What happened to those curtains? They're all ripped up.

Yeah, the cat does that.

I guess I should get new ones.

I loved those curtains.

I loved this room. [ Inhales deeply ]

I remember when we put those up.

Yeah, that was a... Fun day.

I'm done. Are they straight?

Yeah, baby. I think you've got it.

Who says a Jew can't use tools? I've defied the stereotype.

Good job. They look perfect.

I love you.

I love you.

[ Whirs ]

Yeah.

I love you.

Yeah. You were a real handyman.

We should've hired someone to do this.

[ Sighs ] It would've been easier.

Screw that. I can do it. I'm not a moron.

Jews can use tools.

[ Whirs ]

Oh, g*dd*mn it. What the...

Come on. Come on! [ Drill thuds ]

Screw this.

Can I ask you why you are still in this house?

Yeah. 'Cause it's my house.

I earned it.

I don't know why you had to break me financially.

It's just what happens with divorce.

Lawyers do what they do.

Oh, blame the lawyers. That's convenient.

I mean, you left me, for Christ's sake.

You got your one-man show out of it. Get over it.

Are you sh1tting me?

[ Cell phone vibrates ]

[ Vibrates ]

What?

Hey, Marc. It's Mary Lynn.

Who?

Rajskub.

Okay. What?

Well, I was thinking...

You know, earlier...

[ Groans and chuckles ]

I... I thought there was kind of a vibe between us, and I... ugh. God, this is so hard.

I-i can't do this now.

What? Hello?

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

I'm such an assh*le. [ Mouths words ]

[ Whispers ] assh*le. assh*le!

You're an assh*le!

God!

Look, I know I was a d*ck, but I didn't deserve to do destroyed.

I was fair to you.

No, you weren't.

This was our house, not your house.

I made this house what it was, and I wanted my half.

All right. All right.

Relax.

I... That makes sense.

I don't think I ever really thought of it like that.

Isn't it painful for you to live here?

[ Sighs] I don't really think about it.

But now that you mention it, yeah. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, it is painful. Painful for me to live here.

I mean, it doesn't look like anything's really different.

All of the stuff I bought is still here.

Well, I don't know what to tell you, Michelle.

I don't know how to shop.

I don't know how to make things nice.

You know what I mean? It's not like a shrine to you.

It's just... I'm lazy, that's all.

You sure?

All right. Well, I just...

You know, I just like that picture.

That was, uh, that was the day we got Boomer.

He's gone, too.

He was a good guy.

Sorry.

Yeah, I don't know where he is.

It's sad.

At least I know where you are.

[ Sighs deeply ]

Why would you keep that chair?

'Cause I could fix it.

[ Crying ] Please, just let me leave, Marc.

No! No! I can't take it anymore!

I don't want you to go, all right? I'm sorry!

All right? You can't go! I said I was sorry!

Your promises, they don't mean anything

'cause you don't change!

Come on!

I have to leave! [ Sobs ]

No! You can't go!

Aah! [ Gasps ] [ Wood clatters ]

You're breaking things. I don't feel safe I'm scared.

[ Voice breaks ] It broke itself. It's an old chair.

Please. Just let me leave, Marc. It's over.

But what about...

No, don't. Just...

I don't love you anymore.

Don't, Marc. Just don't.

Don't go. No!

What am I gonna do? [ Sobs ]

Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

Maybe you're right.

Whose idea was it? Why did you agree to it?

My publicist said your podcast was the best one to do.

I thought it would be okay.

It's fine.

It's gonna be fine, Michelle.

That was a long time ago. [ Whispers ] Yeah.

♪♪

I-i was just happy at the end of the book that you and your father, you know, worked stuff out.

Well... I don't know if you actually read the book or not, but thanks for at least doing some research.

What are you talking about?

[ Chuckles ]

We were together for nine years, Michelle.

Do you not remember the good times we had?

I mean, we used to talk. A lot.

I know, Marc.

Look, I don't wanna talk about what we were, 'cause we've both moved on.

Okay, I-I know I agreed to only talk about the book, but I just... in hindsight, I-I need you to know that I was devastated.

Okay, we're not gonna talk about that now.

I-I-I was just an insecure guy, angry.

I was not capable of having adult feelings.

Can we please just talk about the book?

And then when you split, you said you wanted a trial separation for three months.

We're done. And then when it was over, you had not made up your mind, so I called your bluff, and I filed for divorce.

Bluff?!

I wasn't bluffing.

I was trying to figure out what to do.

All right, if I hadn't had done that, if I had not had...

If I hadn't had filed for divorce, would you have come back?

We're not talking about that.

Just answer the question!

Yes, Marc!

Yes. I would have.

[ Exhales deeply ]

sh*t. That's so sad.

Can we just end this thing?

Yeah, one second. We'll just, we'll end it.

I'll decide when we're gonna end it. [ Sighs deeply ]

We're gonna end it. We'll just...

[ Inhales deeply, exhales sharply ]

Well, I think that went about as good as can be expected.

You sure you don't wanna get back together?

Positive.

Despite our past, I...

Really am happy that things are going so well for you.

Well, thanks. I appreciate you saying that.

Hey, can you do me a favor, and cut that last part where I said I would've come back to you?

It would hurt my husband.

Really? I mean, you were just being honest.

I-I-I still look like the fool. It's... it's a sad story.

Well, can you do it for me, then?

I'll see how it sounds.

You feel bad about how you treated me?

Then do right by me now.

I'll think about it.

[ Groans ]

♪♪

Thank you. I'm gonna air it. Screw her.

All right, it was an honest moment.

I don't care about her husband.

Why don't you just do the right thing?

Well, it sounds like he is.

Her husband is the not the enemy.

Let me ask you a question, Andy.

What if they were screwing before we were separated?

Would he be the enemy then?

Would you be man enough to assess the situation properly?

You know, if that were the case, you would be allowed to k*ll him in some cultures.

You don't know if that even happened.

It was a long time ago.

This whole interview was a bad idea.

It's dredging up old feelings.

Everyone has moved on, Marc.

I think Dave and I are both wondering, whose side are you on, Andy?

What is this, a Western?

All right. I'm going.

Are you gonna k*ll him?

I'm gonna k*ll him. You wanna come?

Oh, hell, yes.

[ Grunts ] You know I'm not really gonna k*ll him.

[ Goofy voice ] Oh, you're not gonna k*ll him?

Mnh-Mnh.

But I thought you were.

[ Whispers ] Jesus, Marc.

[ Chuckles ]

I don't know if you actually read the book, But thanks for at least doing some research.

[ tapping key ]

Alright, so if I hadn't done that, if I had not filed for divorce, would you have come back?

We're not talking about that.

Just answer the question!

Yes, Marc!

Yes. I would have.

sh*t. That is so sad.

Can we just end this thing?

I-I'll decide when we end this thing.

[ Taps ]

[ Tapping keys ]

[ Taps key ]

I don't know if you actually read the book, but thanks for at least doing some research.

Thank you, Michelle Coyote. It was nice catching up.

And I really hope your book sells.

Uh, it's a good read.

And... and it was... It was great seeing you again.

All right, it was... it was hard, but it was great.

Thanks, Marc.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Grunts ]

Marc: Look, I know why she left me.

I just don't know why she had to destroy my life in a divorce.

Heartbreak is horrible, and it never really goes away.

It just... Fades into a dull ache that hovers in the background, waiting to be summoned when you're feeling nostalgic for the mistakes you made.

That's on me, though. All right?

I gotta move forward. I know.

I gotta make little fixes where and when I can, not make things worse, not hold on to the past.

I hate it.

This whole being an adult thing is... difficult.