01x01 - Episode 1

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Man Down". Aired: October 18, 2013 to November 2017.*
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"Man Down" centers around Dan and his friends. Hating his mundane job as a teacher and humiliation & torment from his Father, conspire to keep this Man Down.
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01x01 - Episode 1

Post by bunniefuu »

Dan: I mean, it would be amazing, wouldn't it? If it was possible. I mean, just, I'm talking five feet off the ground. You know, just... (He blows raspberries) Oi, are you listening to me, Naomi? This is serious. This idea could change lives.

Naomi: Please, just let me wake up normally for once.

Dan: Oh, she hasn't been listening to a word, has she? Selfish girl.

Naomi: I have.

Dan: What have I been saying then?

Naomi: You've been wondering about whether a man will ever be able to fart himself into the air.

Dan: Thank you. I mean, obviously, it's not that simple. We have to modify the bowel but... yes, I'm talking about a human hovercraft. I think it is possible. (He farts) Yeah! I got some lift from that. That's just from one apple.

Naomi: Still no bulb.

Dan: Oh, my God, I could guff aid to Africa. Oh, dear... look who's here.

♪ You've got to believe that a hoverman could save a child ♪
♪ That's all ♪
♪ Hop upon my back Little African boy ♪
♪ We'll hover to the watering hole... ♪

Naomi: A song, of course.

♪ Up above the trees we fly ♪
♪ Mkuku holds on tight... ♪

Naomi: Dan. Dan!

♪ The little African boy's all right ♪
♪ The little African boy's been saved... ♪

Naomi: Hilarious!

♪ By the power of my farty flight ♪
♪ Oh, where you going, Naomi? ♪

Dan: Oh, good. Well, this is a first. I've lost my trousers. Who loses the trousers they were actually wearing? How's it even possible? I am actually going to work in a shirt, tie and f*cking jogging bottoms. I look like that lad Toby from the supermarket.

Naomi: Dan.

Dan: Oh, here we go. Tell me how it's weird I've only got one pair. I'm sorry I'm not a trouser tycoon with a yacht made out of trousers.

Naomi: Dan, my cab's here. At some point today, get a new bulb.

Dan: Yes, do you listen to me? I've told you, I've ordered a special one on the internet - an environmentally friendly one. Be patient, it's coming from Korea.

Naomi: Dan, just buy one from a shop.

Dan: Oh...

Dan: Oh, well, I am sorry I don't hate the planet as much as you clearly do. I'll chuck our fridge in a canal, shall I? Shall we get a couple of golf clubs, go over to the Galapagos and f*ck a few puffins up?

Naomi: Oh, my... You're never going to move out of this flat, are you?

What's wrong with this flat?

It's attached to your parents' house.

And?

And your mum lets herself in and washes your underpants.

You're a grown man.

Do you want me to wear mucky pants?

Filling... You're just filling time.

Not with me, you're not.

I'm leaving.

Not LEAVING leaving?

It's not normal.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye. Wait, I'll get a mortgage.

We can both leave!

I can get a bulb today but I can get trousers.

I'll get...

I'll get trousers.

It's OK, I am normal.

I am normal.

(The bear snarls)

(Dan screams)

(Dan stutters)

You!

Oh...

(The man-bear snarls)

(He starts snarling again)

(They both yell)

You absolute d*ck!

Oh, that's nice!

To his own father?

You've broken my bloody car seat.

You have got to stop attacking me.

They are not att*cks.

They are expressions of love for his little boy.

Well, take me fishing.

Teach me how to smoke a pipe.

Don't att*ck me dressed as a bear.

I've had a bad morning.

Has he had a little row?

Well, yes.

It's Naomi.

Does he need a hug from the bear?

Come and have a hug from the bear.

No!

Get off!

This is not normal.

This is NOT normal.

Oi.

Oi!

I was just coming to see you.

I can't talk now, Dan, I'm on the wrong heels.

Where are you going?

I've got a new job.

Oh, f*ck off.

I have actually.

I'm doing a business relaunch.

It's my new business.

I help people relaunch their business.

Get in.

No, I'm going to work.

Please get in.

I need to talk to you.

I'm not dressed for advice.

(He breathes heavily)

Are you upset?

Well done, Taggart.

It's Naomi.

Who?

My girlfriend. Oh, what's her name, that girl?

Naomi. No, the one you were seeing.

Bloody hell, Jo, you must remember her.

I've been seeing her for six years.

Oh, yeah.

The baldy one.

What? She's not bald.

She looked pretty bald to me, Daniel. Sorry.

She's not bald, Jo.

She's left me.

Oh, well. Get another.

That simple, yeah?

Or darts. You see, why did I come to you for emotional advice?

I may as well have held a meowing cat up to my balls.

Oh, I see. Looks like we're going to have to sing this one out.

I don't think it'll help this time.

♪ What's love got to do, got to do with it? ♪

Come on...

♪ What's love but a second hand emotion? ♪
♪ I'm your Private dancer, a dancer for money ♪
♪ I'll do what you want me to do ♪
♪ Who needs a heart... ♪

Oi! Can I get the five egg omelette?

WAIT!

We could sing Chiquitita.

I'm not Chiquitita sad.

Good.

Because you'll meet someone else, Dan. There's someone for everyone.

Look at me.

You've been single since college.

Have I? Yeah.

I'm late for my new job.

Hang on, I'll give you a lift.

I've got to see my accountant anyway, I'm getting a mortgage.

Who's giving you a mortgage?

Who's given you a f*cking job?

Erm... why are you getting out?

THIS is where my new job is. Eh?

And here's my new boss now.

Brian? God.

My new boss. Oh, I see.

I'm not really your boss.

I knew you wouldn't have a real job.

I have. Tell him, Brian.

I can't cope with both of you, not this early.

I've had some amazing ideas.

What for? The relaunch. I need to speak to you. I'm really sad.

Hang on, relaunch? You're the only one qualified to help me, you're the only one who passed his degree.

What? That bald girl dumped him. Please don't start saying weird stuff, OK, I need to go in.

I'm serious. I need to talk to you.

Last time you said that, you asked me which one of the Muppets my wife's vag*na most looked like. I know.

And you said, "Gonzo, all purple, all messy thick..." I did not.

Gonzo's blue. Please.

Is he blue? Danny!

Mate, it's an emergency, your mate needs you.

Brian, you're not going to regret this. The rebrand starts right now, I could treble your clients.

We'll talk about this when she's doing you're relaunch.

She's not doing a relaunch!

I am. You're not. I said I would pay you to do some tidying.

It's kind of a relaunch though.

Erm... Hello?

Naomi's left me.

I need your help here.

What's this? My accounts, I need a mortgage today.

A mortgage, why? Can I have it by the end of the day?

Brian, we need to talk colours.

Colours?

I could sign for it in the pub later, because if I don't get it today.

Red or green. Shut up!

You, get in, get the vacuum out of the cupboard.

You, give me that.

I'll look at it later.

(Jo sighs)

Well, thanks for the compassion, Chemical Ali!

Right, you've met Barbara.

Oh, yeah.

I think Barbara and I are on the same page.

Well, the hoover's in the cupboard.

If you need anything else, Barbara's got some petty cash.

I'll be in my office.

Right! Barbara... (She whispers): Let's tear this place a new arsehole.
Ah, Mr Davis, you've arrived.

Emma..

You look nice.

You don't. Are they having a sale on at Sports Direct?

Yes, well.

There's no easy way of me saying this. I've...

I've lost my trousers and, as you'll appreciate, getting a replacement is a little difficult when you're of this height.

Get some new trousers, Dan.

Right. So, work experience visits.

Oh, God. No, I can't do any.

Why not?

Big drug problem.

You're doing one.

You can choose who.

Peter Bell at the prepacked sandwich factory.

No, I'm allergic to wheat.

Martha Page at Laser Quest.

I've been barred.

Jason Morrison at the tailors.

I hate him.

Olivia Williams at the...

Ah, for fu... Hang on a minute.

Jason Morrison?

Ginger boy, bit of a stoop.

This, this...

Got a mole on his face like a rice crispy.

Not who is he, where is he?

Haringey's, tailor in town.

The tailors...

Yes, I'll do that boy, can I do him at lunchtime for you?

Great, I'll drop the details off.

Great. How's, erm, Naomi?

She's gone.

Oh, Mr Davis.

What are we going to do with you?

You could take me in this cupboard and we could have a go on each other like coked-up gay teenagers.

Yes, it's strange she left you.

Big shock.

Hmm. Big shock.

Right, coffee time I would say. I'd say it's teach your class time.

I know. I know that.

Are you sure about this? Just go.

(Noisy chatter)

All at once: Please, sir!

Quiet! Sir, why are you wearing jogging bottoms?

Right, that's better.

Right, we're not doing space mission today.

(All groan)

And while we're on the subject, stop painting Maurice's face green, it's bullying. I don't mind, sir.

Shut up, you dweeb. Right... quiet reading for you today.

So here's what happening.

(All talk at once)

All right, get into your space shuttles.

Yes! I love space mission!

All right, where were we?

You were about to make up a pointless lesson off the top of your head, as usual.

Shut up, Karen!

(All talk at once)

We were on the mysterious planet about to butcher some alien scum!

All right, try and stay calm today, all right, Dennis?

What planet were we on?

Toddcartey.

We were on Toddcartey, yes.

That is a very dangerous planet.

Right, we'd better take off.

Oh, so we no longer need fuel from the mine?

What mine?

All: The lizard mine!

Oh, Christ!

All right, we'll go to the f*cking lizard mine, don't blame me if you all get eaten.

Ah. Yes...

Toddcartey.

(Children squeal)

Roar!

(All squeal)

What is it, sir?

It's an invisibat.

A what? They're the bats that guard the lizard mine.

It's it like a bat that's invisible.

That's right, Bergerac.

And it's bitten me... (They gasp) ...on the face.

(All scream)

Sir, can we save you?

Right, you'll have to boil my blood, guys.

Oh, my God. With a laser!

(They gasp)

Up my nose!

(They scream)

That's sick.

I'll do it, sir.

You do it, Dennis.

I trust you.

Ah!

(All scream)

What on earth is going on in here?

Where is Mr Davis?

It's all right, Miss Lipsey, I'm... I'm here.

He's been bitten by an invisibat, miss. Has he?

I'm rather afraid I have.

Yes, and against all odds, only a laser fired up his nose can save him, miss.

Well, they do say that's how you neutralise invisibats' venom.

Thank you.

If you recover, Mr Davis, here are the details of your work experience visit. Great.

Ah.

(All scream)

Ta-da.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, boy, welcome to the re-launch.

Why have you written that on my wall?

It's a statement.

I told you to hoover.

Well, then you should have hired a cleaner cos I am an events manager.

This is insane. You're insane.

It tells people the moment they walk in the door, I'm a lawyer, I'm a lawyer for the tough urban streets.

It tells people, no matter what you've done, I'm going to get you off.

I'm not a lawyer.

You are. I'm not.

I'm a financial adviser and you are f*cking mental.

I'm the future.

I want that taken off.

You just have to get used to it, it's going to turn the whole business around.

Hello. Oh, no, Mr Ba...

Oh, God.

Terribly sorry, Mr Powell, we've had vandals, please, why don't you just come through to my office and I'll be right with you.

That's teenagers.

It's so lovely to have a member of the teaching profession in my humble shop.

You know, I've often dreamed of being an educator myself. Really?

Sadly, I've the reading age of a three-year-old child. Oh.

I expect you want to know how the lad's settling in. Yeah?

He's a wonderful boy, Mr Davis.

I mean, he's useless work wise, he's thick and he's got what my old mum would call spastic hands.

Do you make trousers?

Oh, we do it all.

Your trousers, your shirts, your suits, your cummerbunds.

And, well, how much would trousers be?

For yourself, oh the cost of the material alone, sir.

Jason, go and get me a tape measure.

It's the long yellow thing with the marks on it.

Oh, he's a good boy. He's normal.

He's not into your rubber shorts, your plastic fist, your glory holes, you know what I mean.

Sort of. Not really.

The world is full of perverts and I really hate them.

We'll have you sorted in no time, Mr Davis.

You said I was about as much use as a crow.

A trained crow.

A brilliant, trained crow.

(She sobs)

Please don't cry.

What are you doing here?

I've just been to your office to sort this mortgage nonsense out.

Pubs aren't for mortgages.

Brian sacked me.

I did not. Really?

Thank you so much, Brian, you're not going to regret this.

I want to go to the bar.

Please, Jo, Jo, wait. Oh, God.

You should never have given that a job. Now, my mortgage.

No, I need to tell her.

Mate, I need to sort this, I'm on the verge of losing everything here.

Well let me spell this out for you in clear terms.

Just tell me what I've got to do.

You need to not spend one penny, not one single penny for...12 years.

After which time, you might, depending on fluctuations in the market, be able to afford a house.

But...

But I need to start looking today, it's on my plan.

I'll start looking at lenders tomorrow. I got these.

Didn't even have to pay for them.

A man did.

Let's go. Let's get these slammers down, cheers, cheers.

Slammers, I've got to be up at 5.00 with the kids.

I'm not doing getting drunk.

New York City!

PHONE RINGS.

Oh, God.

I know, I know, shhh, I know, but listen, Emma, I don't have any lessons, all morning I don't have any lessons.

I'll be there by 10.00, I swear it.

I swear it. Thank you.

Oh.

Sir. Not now Paul, I'm hung-over.

It's Jason.

Yes. Mr Haringey, any joy?

Mr Davis, three pairs already. Just pop through to the dressing room.

Sir, Sir. What?

I've been here all night, shall we call my mum?

Well she hasn't phoned us, son.

Hasn't she?

Go get the man his trousers, son!

Come on, chop, chop, we haven't got all day.

What the f*ck?!

Is everything all right, Mr Davis?

It's fine. Don't come in.

Don't, don't come in.

Oh, my good God.

No, seriously.

I should have known. A nonce.

What? Oh, no, they're my mum's, they're my mum's.

I bet they're your mum's, you stinking tr*nny.

Lock the shop, Jason.

You filthy nancy boy.

(He grunts)

(They sing)

♪ In your eyes ♪
♪ There is no... ♪

I've... Morning, Dan.

I've got trousers.

They're just at the shop and Brian says the mortgage will be fine.

He thinks it'll be fine. I just need to get hold of a light bulb.
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