01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Wait!

Hello. Cup of tea, please?

How come he can push to the front of the queue?

He's a police officer. He's needed on the b*at, not queueing for tea.

He's a police community support officer.

What's his rush? Someone dropped a Double-Decker wrapper?

They have a higher level of custodial power than you'd imagine.

Oh. "Higher custodial power than you'd imagine". Look at me.

I'm the man on the Pringles tube.

Hello, my name's Janet Street Porter!

What are you doing?

We're not doing impressions?

Were you not doing a...?

OK.

So what crimes is he actually qualified to deal with?

I don't know specifics. Anyway, this is inane, like most things you talk about.

No-one knows what police community support officers are allowed to do.

Ask big Dave Bowers. He's a copper.

He's a butcher, Jo.

What's with the uniform, then?

It'll be anarchy when this gets out.

No. No, because no-one else is wasting their life pondering nonsense.

Oh, it's nonsense, is it? Right.

Well, when we're in the pub tonight, if there's any police about, I shall help myself to beer and crisps, and if anyone questions me, I'll smack in the goof with a pool cue, shall I, Brian?

Fine. Thankfully, I won't be there to see it.

I'm not coming out this weekend.

What do you mean? Julie's taking the girls to her mum's.

Got the place to myself.

It's Friday night, mate.

It's the cider quiz. Sorry.

I've got a weekend of sheer bliss lined up.

Going to have me some Brian time.

Result!

Bag of sausage.

Hold on to your tits - he's not coming to the cider quiz.

Yeah, neither am I.

Oh, my God!

Got the health and beauty conference, I'm launching my new business - the PMT.

Don't tell me. I'll worry.

Don't leave me on my own all weekend!

I don't like downtime.

I don't like Brian time!

COME OUT!

OI!

I'll get Bob if you're gonna muck about!

Sir, you've got a class.

Miss Lipsey said to come and get you.

Bugger off, you little grass.

Dan!

Well...!

All right, I'm coming.

Oh, my God!

Dan's boss is tiny!

Jesus!

Hello? Are you all right?

f*ck off.

Sorry?

You ran me over.

Oh, no, I didn't.

You were already down.

Liar!

Honestly, you were already down.

You DID knock him down!

I saw it.

What the f*ck....?!

I'm a witness!

You hit him. You will rot in prison for this, you lanky, fat weirdo.

Get up, Dad. Jesus...!

Oh, villain!

Villain!

Smiling, damned villain!

I can't wait to put you in a home!

What a nasty boy.

He must be punished.

sh*t, is it your birthday?

Why would I be putting a banner up for my own birthday?

Dementia.

It's your niece's birthday.

She doesn't live here, you ludicrous old goon.

Your sister's here with Lucy.

We're having a birthday party for her and all her little friends tomorrow.

Oh, no.

Not children!

Not at the weekend!

No, I won't allow it.

They won't disturb you, don't worry.

Your dad and I have got it all organised.

You mean the warped su1c1de gesture in the road.

No. Your dad.

Right.

Well, I'll have nothing to do with the jamboree of screaming and piss.

You're not invited.

We want the kids to have a safe party.

I could help.

No! No, thank you, sweetheart.

Hey, I'm not offering, but if I wanted to, I could be of help.

No!

Oh, no!

Uncle Dan!

Oh, you horrible little scumbag, I hate you.

It's my birthday tomorrow, we're having a party!

I know. It's going to be rubbish.

All right, sis?

Hello, Dan.

You're rubbish! Lucy.

You're rubbish, mate.

You can't even drive.

She can't.

Can we sing the poo song?

No, you know I don't like that song.

Oh.

Uh-oh.

♪ Ohhhh, the... hippo was kicked out of the zoo ♪

Why?

♪ Because he did a massive poo ♪

Where?

♪ He pooed on a tiger, he pooed on a mouse ♪
♪ He even did a massive poo in the penguin's mouth ♪

Uuuggh!

♪ Ohhhh, the penguin was angry ♪
♪ And he spat the poo right out ♪

Yeah, thank you very much, Dan. That will do.

Lucy, go and get your pyjamas on.

I want to stay in here and play with Uncle Dan. Get going.

We can play at the party tomorrow, you idiot.

We can't.

Mum says you're not invited.

You know I hate that song.

Hang on a minute.

What does she mean I'm not invited?

I thought mum was joking.

I wasn't.

I'm not invited? Why not?

Don't make me spell it out, Dan.

You, and a roomful of other people's kids, singing about animals sh1tting in each other's mouths.

I don't think so.

No, thank you!

Oh, I suppose that lunatic's invited though, is he?

Dad's doing a little show for the kiddies.

Now, what's happening with you and Naomi?

Why do people keep asking me this?

She's gone. Dan... But she's such a lovely girl.

She is an angel.

Oh, reel it in, old woman!

I worry about you, that's all.

I mean, you're a nice enough bloke, but I think you're going to die alone.

I'm a nice enough bloke, am I?

Would a nice-enough-bloke do this?

Daniel!

That's Lucy's favourite dolly.

Mummy!

You know, it's nice to be needed.

It's a good feeling.

That little girl trusts me absolutely.

Who needs you, Daniel?

This old prune, for a start.

Ladies and gentlemen, the personal make over tent.

A one-off grooming solution.

Care for a free consultancy?

Care for a free consultancy?

Anyone?

Hi, can speak to Naomi, please?

It's a friend.

No, I won't take part in a vetting process.

Yes, I can prove it.

She got a horrible mole like a shrunken child's face just inside her bikini line.

Yeah. Yes. Happy?

Yeah, I'll leave a message.

It's her dad. I've had a fall!

Ooooh!

Oh, f*cking hell.

You can't resist calling, can you?

I was just ringing to ask if she thought I was trustworthy.

What's wrong with that?

You could've asked her yourself.

To marry you.

What do you mean?

He doesn't know, does he?

No.

What don't I know?

Naomi's coming to the party.

Lucy's party?!

They've invited her?!

I don't f*cking believe this!

Now, I can see straightaway some basics we can deal with before we deal with the overall look.

Well, I'm not sure I even want...

That has completely redefined your cheekbones.

Oh, listen, I...

You've got a little bit of mono-brow going on.

However, if we take a bit of weight out of the central growth it'll help the shape of your face.

I think I sho...

I've got something from Mexico.

A product that'll sort the whole section out.

Holy mother of f*ck!

Thank you. Have a good evening, madam. Thank you. Thank you, madam.

That must be nice.

Beg pardon, sir?

To be trusted.

All part of the job, sir.

Oh. You're not a real one.

We were talking about you, earlier.

Sir, could you move along, please?

I'm trying to do my job.

Is it like a hobby for you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Here we go! Another joker!

I was only asking.

No, I am not full-time, I do not have the same arrest powers is that what you want?!

I'm just giving something back.

I'm f*cking sick of this!

No, no, I think you do great work.

I was just wondering.

Wondering what? If I do this as my social life? Yeah, I do. Happy?

You look good.

You look like a real policeman.

f*cking am a real policeman!

What do you think that is -

Scotch mist?

I'll radio the f*cking station, shall I?

Get a f*cking Black Maria down here.

Then we'll see who's part-time, shall we?

Get a f*cking dog team down here.

Is that what you want?!

Get bitten by a massive f*cking dog!

I'm really sorry...!

Just f*ck off out of here.

I'm sick of this sh*t!

Y'all right, Tony?

Leave it!

What are you doing?!

They're just eyebrows.

I've got my cream here, let me sort it out.

f*cking...

Pub. Pub.

What has happened here? He sleeps!

We are such stuff as dreams are made of and our little life is rounded with the sleep. Shall we wake him? Why ever not. But how?

A gentle shake? No, no, no. No.

..the f*ck is there now?

Morning, Daniel. Time to get up.

Oh! Here's a sight for sore eyes.

Hello, Jo. How was the cider quiz?

We came last.

We just bought a shitload.

Lucy, do you remember Auntie Joan?

No. Do you want to come to my party?

No, she doesn't and while we're on the subject, who invited Naomi?

Naomi is my family. I am family!

She dumped me. Yay! Naomi. Judas!

I like your head. "I like your head?"

I don't know how to speak to them.

It's very nice to see you two but you'll need to go out soon.

The kiddies will be arriving. So are you serious? I can't actually stay?

Correct. Oh, come on.

Let me do something. Please. Well...

We do need the cake collecting. No way. Can I go? Absolutely not. Wait.

Please let me get the cake.

I really need this, Daisy.

Go on, then.

Go and get your shoes, Lucy. Yay!

I'll go and get a booster seat.

So, what do you like, Lucy?

I like ponies.

Wicked! I used to have a horse.

What? Did you? Really?

A horse of your own?

Did you ride him?

I tried but he went mental in the winds. We had to knacker him for glue.

Jo! Sorry, sorry.

My dad had to k*ll him because he was bad in the head. No!

Auntie Jo is joking, Lucy. The horse is fine. I'm not. I'm not joking.

My dad had to hit him twice before he went down.

He bit me in the tit once.

Good. Er...

My cake! Look at the size of this. It's ridiculous.

Aw, it reminds me of Duncan. Duncan the horse? Yeah. Open the back door.

I'm going to put this onthe seat.

There's shitloads of unopened letters in there. f*cking bin them.

This weighs a tonne. Oh, OK.

It's ridiculous. Absolute madness.

How many kids is she having to this party?

Uncle Dan, that's Naomi. What?

Oh!

Oh, this is perfect.

Naomi!

Naomi!

Naomi! Dan!

Did you ring my office yesterday?

No. Look, the child.

Yes, I can see that.

Happy birthday, Lucy!

Are you coming to my party?

They've let me come down to pick up the cake. Right. Yes, I am.

Looks like I'm pretty trustworthy, eh? The actual birthday child.

We've already picked up the cake.

It's gone beautifully.

See you at the party!

No, you can't!

You can't take it! You can't take it!

No! Oh, God!

Lucy, you just stay there, OK? Lucy.

Stay right there, OK?

No! You can't, you can't take it!

You can't take our car!

No! Joe, what the f*ck?

Dan, they've taken Duncan!

They've taken him to the car pound!

I tried to tell them to stop.

I tried to get them...

Jo, what the f*ck?

I couldn't stop them, Dan.

I said, stop! Don't do it! I couldn't make them stop! Calm down. Calm down.

Breathe. Breathe. Right.

Now why did you let them take it?

They said the car wasn't insured.

They did a random check on the computer.

They didn't do a check on the computer. I would have had a letter.

Have you lost my cake? What are we going to do? They're going to destroy him! No! It's all right.

Auntie Jo is confusing your cake for a horse called Duncan.

We've got to get him back. Poor Duncan! The car pound is miles away.

How are we going to get there?

You couldn't do it, could you?

You couldn't just let me be for just one day. Mate, this is an emergency.

Caused by you.

I never need YOUR help, do I?

It's always this way around.

How is any of this my fault?

I didn't know I wasn't insured.

You always know!

You MUST always know.

You set up a direct debit and you monitor it. You get a bank statement and you check it.

You put a note in your diary. You cross reference. You get your bank to send you confirmation which you put in a drawer. Check that drawer on a monthly basis.

Put your statements in a folder in that drawer. Check your outgoings.

Make sure that they are consistent.

Never presume that your direct debit is more important to someone else than it is to you.

Protect your earnings, check your cover, you never, ever, ever, ever get caught out!

Don't get upset.

You're right. Pathetic.

You're not pathetic.

Remember at school, we were all getting bullied by Andrew Tate.

No-one would stand up to him but you had a fight with him, didn't you? Yeah, but...

Sure, you remember that fight you had with Andrew Tate. Yeah.

I remember you training for that fight. Running up all those steps.

Eating raw eggs, punching frozen meat.

And you kept shouting "Adrian, Adrian!" Get back in the car.

No-one would stand up to him but you did. Yeah. Yeah, I did.

Then he b*at the sh*t out of me, didn't he, Brian?

And then every day for a month, he came around and he shat on my mum's lawn, do you remember?

Mum had to call the police in the end and then they made ME see a social worker.

They said I caused it all.

Then of course, eventually Andrew Tate got put into a home.

And his mum had a breakdown.

We would see her, do you remember?

Walking around the town with that shopping trolley full of soil, shouting "Who likes my cocoa powder?

"Who wants to see my cocoa powder?"

It was awful, Brian.

It was awful.

OK. Bad example.

Right. Let's get going, shall we?

Oh, it's you. Yes, me, sir. The Supervising Officer. The last word.

The buck. Right. What is it? £200?

Here you are. First things first, sir.

ID, please. You know who I am.

You saw me last night.

I've never seen you before in my life. Just give him your driving licence, then. Here.

And can you confirm your address?

Chislehurst Crescent. Oh, dear.

Looks like someone's forgot to inform us of their change of address, making this invalid. You've been back at your mum's for six years.

It's got my photograph on it.

But not your address.

So it looks like my authority isn't in doubt to-f*cking-day, is it?

You don't wear a lot of make-up.

Are you going for the natural look?

I'm not allowed make-up.

It's your birthday.

A little make over wouldn't hurt.

What's make over? What's...

I'll get my stuff!

Well, I'm not an unreasonable man.

I'll settle for a car logbook and, um... A utility bill.

A utility bill? Why would I have a utility bill on me?

This isn't my house. I'm not a f*cking snail. No ID, no car.

All right. Just show me where it is so I can get my pony cake out of it.

I'm hardly going to let a complete stranger remove a pony cake from a car that might not be his, am I?

I really need this, mate. And I need order and people obeying the law!

If you don't mind me saying, I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Unreasonable?

Do you want to f*cking see unreasonable?

Well, it's over. Let's go back and face the music. I've failed.

I've proved them right again.

It's only a cake, Dan.

Start with the big picture. No-one is going to judge you for a cake.

Holy mother of f*ck!

I thought it was a one-off.

They're all faulty.

We need to get that f*cking cake.

Why? Dan, stop that. Get in the Scenic. You, draw her eyebrows back.

Brian?

Get in the Scenic.

I don't understand. Why do you want your car in the pound?

Where's Uncle Dan? Because unlike Dan, I had the requisite household bill.

I always carry one, just in case.

I don't get it.

So all we need while I go and deal with the formalities of getting MY car is someone on the inside to recover the cake from Dan's car.

Behold.

The Trojan Horse.

Where the hell is he? There's loads of cars in here. He must be lost.

There he is. He's got my cake.

Seize him, Tyson!

Oh! Oh, God!

Duncan! No!

Oh, God!

Oh, f*ck! Oh, f*ck!

The cake, the pony!

Brian!

Argh! sh*t! sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

Oh, the head!