01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

'Dan?'

'Daaaannnn.'

Ah, what is it?

It's the ghost of Naomi, Dan.

What do you want? What do you want?

Leave me alone!

Still dreaming about me all the time?

Yes. You're all I dream about.

I've moved on, though, Dan. Deal with it.

It's pathetic looking down at you, blubbing like a teenager.

I can't!

I can't move on. I can't let go.

Hang on a minute.

Why are you a ghost? You're not dead.

Oooooh! Well spotted!

You fat prick!

Morning. Oh, you're all up and ready nice and early!

Yes, I have a job.

What's your excuse?

Early Board meeting to discuss how many cups of tea you're going to get through?

Yoo-hoo!

You do look nice when you make an effort.

Doesn't he look nice when he makes an effort, Mrs Wigmore?

Ooh, he does, handsome fella.

Still single?

Course he is! Still moping around about the old one!

Oh, I'm glad my relationship break-up's so funny, you vile old biffers.

You know she does a pre-clean before you come round, don't you?

Ho-ho. I'm sure she does not.

Oh, she does! You're cleaning freshly-cleaned rooms.

I'll start in the front room, shall I, Polly?

Yes, it's probably best.

Just dust the figurines and that.

Yes, the fireplace is fine.

Yes, because she's cleaned it.

You're a horrible boy. Ah, she say her only son is horrible, nasty old lady with a little wrinkled face, look at it!

Look at the little claws picking up the tea.

Get off me, you daft beggar!

Isn't she clever?

I'll see you later.

Make me some dinner, or I'll k*ll you.

Mrs Wigmore's going to come and clear up your pigsty of a room in a couple of days. Your dad says it's in a right state.

Yes, it's almost as if he dressed as the ghost of my ex and b*at the sh*t out of me in it.

What? Nothing.

Oh, Dan? I've gone now, old lady, I'll see you tonight.

Haven't you got a parents' evening tonight?

f*ck!!!

Hmm, anything else?

Your car's well wicked.

Well, thank you, Dennis!

Most people think it's a wreck, so...

I've often thought, in a certain light, you resemble a young James Stewart, Sir.

Thank you, Maureen.

I wish you were my dad.

I love parents' evening.

Right, enjoy your lunch.

Do your worst.

My mum thinks you're a d*ck.

Come on, hand it over! Give me them!

Ah! Thank you.

I can't believe it. I could have sworn Lefty was heaviest!

You saw it with your own eyes.

The right hooter is carrying four more ounces.

All right. Hello! Morning.

I've just been weighing Jo's cans for her.

Doing my little bit for feminism.

I see.

I'll get the scales back and weigh your nuts if you like. No, thanks.

Come on, Lord Lucan.

I'll get the scales back and put your hairy conkers on the scale.

Someone woke up on the irritating side of the bed, didn't they?

He's been a pain. Had to let him weigh my milk sacks to calm him.

Congratulations.

That's the most revolting description of breasts I've heard.

Is it?

BEEF BAGS! Oi!

Mickey! Mickey! Over here!

Mickey, Brian, Mickey, Dan, Dan, Brian, Mickey.

Hello, Mickey. Hello, Mickey.

Are you all set for the rehearsal tonight, Mickey?

Cool, see you later, Mickey.

Would you like to or shall I?

No, please!

What the f*ck was that?

Mickey. Mickey Two Face?

According to management, he's my first client.

What does he do? Never mind that, why's he called Mickey Two Face?

He's got two faces.

He's an entertainer.

Certainly enough information for me.

Brian. Ah, yeah.

Tomorrow night he's doing a gig above Fat Chan's. Come along.

Let me see, going to see a man with a hidden second face, perform a nonspecific act above a Chinese restaurant - that's not sad, is it? Look.

I know this Naomi thing has hit you hard.

No, it hasn't hit me hard.

I'm perfectly accepting of the facts that I have NOTHING to offer women.

You have!

Yeah, you've got that dartboard.

That is yours, right?

See, I'm trapped. I'm the Colonel Abrams of my own body.

Who's Colonel Abrams?

♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom-bom Bom-bom, bom-bom...

♪ Shall I listen what you say?

♪ Listen what your friends say?

It's a tough decision to make

♪ Bom-bom, bom-bom...

♪ I don't really want to lose you But I don't you want your folks to

♪ Turn me over to the hands of the law

♪ Bom-bom, bom-bom...

♪ I guess they think that I'm not good enough for you

♪ I can tell the way they act with their attitude

♪ As the tears

♪ As the tears roll from my eyes

♪ I feel

♪ I feel the hurt inside

♪ As I reach

♪ As I reach out for you, ha-ha

♪ I'm so confused

♪ Oh, I'm trapped Like a fool, I'm in a cage

♪ I can't get out See, I'm trapped

♪ Can't you see I'm... ♪

Oi! I will get Bob!

Ah, Mr Davis.

Oh, Miss Lipsey.

How's it going? Well, I've never been so bored in my life.

Parents are weird.

♪ Some of them stink!

Where's your mark book?

I don't need it.

It's all up here in the super computer.

Test me if you like, ask me any child's grade.

OK. Um.... David Sage.

B plus.

You made that up. Prove it!

I think a departmental audit is long overdue for you.

God, just kiss me!

Let them talk! You've got a customer.

What is it, the height?

I'll have surgery.

I'd lose a foot of bone for you, Emma Lipsey.

Oscar Wilde will see you now.

I'm not gay.

Mickey Two Face tomorrow night, Sir.

Mickey Two Face tomorrow night, Madam.

Mickey Two Face tomorrow night, Sir.

That's him, he's practising!

No-one could say that Dennis is lacking in commitment.

He loves it, don't you?

Will we wipe the alien scum out, Sir, cut their faces off?

Yeah, maybe, Dennis.

He does get quite cross.

NO, I DON'T!

OK, all right, Dennis.

Look, there's Joe.

Go and play with Joe. Yeah.

I don't let them cut each other's faces off. No.

Mr Davies, he loves your lessons.

And since his dad left... he needs happy times.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, don't be. Good riddance.

He was an idiot. Ah!

There aren't many decent blokes about, so you be sure to tell your girlfriend how lucky she is.

I think her new boyfriend might have something to say about that, the f*cking prick!

Sorry. Um...

Listen, um....

If you ever want to go and... slag 'em off over a drink?

Let me know.

What?

God, I'm so sorry.

Was that inappropriate?

Yes, please. Tomorrow, yes, please.

I'm busy tomorrow, I'm afraid, but... you give me a call.

Mr Teacher.

Dennis? Dennis! DENNIS!

A date, mate, an actual date.

I thought it was over, but I'm back.

I'm back with a heavyweight jam.

Dan, that's great, mate.

Darling, please not in your mouth.

I'm tidying my room, just in case.

Don't try and bring her back on a first date, especially not to that dump.

God. Look not in the..in the bowl.

She might want to come back, though, eh?

Look, she's a mother, she'll have a baby-sitter waiting.

She'll want more than a... a grope with a fat bloke in a bedsit.

Jesus, you know nothing.

Ah, but I do know, mate.

I finally get women at last.

It's brilliant, I can't stop smiling.

Dan, you weighed Jo's tits on a set of scales.

Oh, my God, is that not OK?

It's OK with Jo, it's not OK with all other women.

Oh, sh*t!

What if I ruin the date?

OK, you're going to have to help me tonight. How? Mock date.

What? Mock date. Eh?

I need a mock date.

Stop saying mock date.

Listen, mate, if this goes wrong, you're only going to hang out with me more and I'll probably start making weird noises, like this.

Yes, fine, yes, shush!

I'll ask Julia if I can pop out for a bit. Pick me up at eight and we'll go through some stuff.

Great, mock date. No, we're just going to talk through a few things.

If you say mock date one more time, I won't do it.

All right.

Are you saying mock date?

No.

Ah! Mock date, eh?

Christ, it stinks in here!

Well, it's hardly a terrible surprise, I am having a sh*t.

You've got your own toilet.

Stop letting yourself into my flat for a sh*t.

Daniel, I had a rack of lamb yesterday, your mum doesn't want to smell this.

You said it yourself, it's horrendous.

I'm trying to get on with my life, you freak.

You don't get me at all, do you?

I only want to help.

What, by curling one out in my toilet?

Get dressed.

Please, Dad, I've got a lot to think about, I can't cope with being att*cked today.

Get dressed while I finish up in here.

I want to show you something.

It'll help you, I promise.

Mickey Two Face, even Simon Cowell said, and I quote, "He was a bit much", Mickey two-face, Mickey-Mickey two-face, come along for Mickey-Mickey two-face, give me thing and I get you on the guest list.

Jo! For God's sake, turn it down.

Mickey two-face, Mickey-Mickey two-face, not one face but two faces, two faces, Mickey two-face Mickey-Mickey two-face, come along with the man with two faces.

Mickey two-face, Mickey-Mickey two-face!

Well, what are we doing here?

That's Brenda Kirkby's old place.

Who?

My first love.

Oh. Thick red hair, pale skin and these beautiful green eyes.

I asked her out to the school dance, I was so nervous I thought my heart would leap from my mouth, but she said yes. She said yes!

I couldn't believe it. Neither of us knew what to do, really.

We held hands, we chatted, we were so happy.

But her mum was religious, so outside of school hours we were totally forbidden from seeing each other.

What, ever?

I know, seems crazy now, doesn't it?

I wanted to show her how much I cared, so every night at 7.30, I'd walk here and wait for her to come to that very bedroom window.

I'd wave at here and blow her a kiss and she'd blow me a kiss.

Then I'd walk home again.

Every night? Every night.

18 months and 11 days.

That is one of the most romantic stories I've ever heard.

Well, anyway.

All's well that ends well.

Eventually I f*cked her against that wall.

What? Yeah, that very wall.

But word to the wise, son, stay away from those gingers.

It's a nest down there.

Right, thank you, goodbye.

Right here. Like this...

'All right, I'm coming, Dan.

Not round the neck.'

Bye.

Mock date. I bought you a gift.

What's this?

Bag of chops. Well, that's not a very good start, is it?

Eh? You love a pork chop.

I'm not me, I'm your date.

You wouldn't bring a girl a bag of pork, would you?

Of course you would.

OK, thank you for my chops, I'll put them in a vase later.

No problem. Let's go.

Well, this is nice. Well done.

I didn't have a choice.

Jo wants us to go and see that Mickey Two Face bloke, doesn't she?

Try and make me feel special.

You don't want to be single for the rest of your life, do you?

Can I get you some drinks?

Why don't you order for us?

Bloody hell is this girl disabled?

Dan!

Two pints of lager, please.

Don't buy her lager without asking.

Christ, this is hard.

Right, so here we are.

Now what?

What do you mean, now what?

I've ordered the lagers, now let's see what we want to eat.

Yes, let's. But let's have some small talk first. You lead.

Are you all right?

Yes, thank you. I've been at work today.

So, nothing very exciting.

Right.

Aren't you interested in what I do?

I know what you do, don't I?

You do that boring thing in the office with Barbara the mute.

I'm not me, I'm her.

So let's say I'm a... I'm a chemist.

Right, I imagine you really wanted to be a doctor.

No, I wanted to be a chemist.

Oh, really?

It's the same training, actually.

Yes, and that's what vets say, isn't it? It's the same training.

But if it all goes tits up down here, I'm not going to ask a vet to stick his fingers up my arse.

I could have done without being at work today cos little, erm...

What's his name, my kid? Dennis. Dennis, little Dennis was poorly. Right.

It's tough bringing up a child as a working mum.

OK. What would you like to eat?

Oh, show some interest, empathise, you've got no idea how hard it is raising a kid, do you? Forgotten what it's like being myself.

I don't need to empathise because I teach the little prick, I probably spend more time with him than you do, while you're off swanning around your chemist, writing prescriptions.

You're so wrapped up in yourself.

Thank you.

Recognise.

What the f*ck are you wearing?

Get lost, it's Hugo Boss, '90s style, I'm proper big time now.

Ignore him, he's being thoughtless.

Oh, drink your lager, sweetheart.

I'm sorry, Jo, the mock date's not going very well.

Oh? Listen, are you still coming to see Mickey?

Get there about 9, you do not want to miss the opening.

Believe me, it's so good, I... it made me sick up in my mouth.

Yeah, we'll try, but we've got a few things to sort of here.

Right, see you then.

Are you all right, Brian?

I had my hair cut especially for this.

You haven't said a bloody word!

You're supposed to be making me feel special.

Three kids I've had, all day on my own, for what, for a... for a pint of lager with a stupid man.

Your hair looks nice.

And I won't be like this on the actual date, will I?

And I'm really grateful you're helping me.

Are you? Yes.

f*ck my face! What?

That's her. Who? The woman.

The woman we're doing the mock date for, that's her, with another man.

Ah, Lady Macbeth.

Dan, she's on a date, it's what people do.

Maybe you should concentrate on the date you're on. What? Nothing.

I'm going to go over.

Dan, do not go over there.

If you value my opinion at all, do not go over there.

Well, well, well. Hi, Mr, erm...

Davis? Yes, sorry I know that, it's just I've realised I don't know your first name.

It's Mr Davis to you.

Is there a problem?

Oh, there's a problem, my friend, my, erm... white shirted friend.

Is there? I'd say so, wouldn't you?

No. No?

Well, perhaps you'd like to tell Mr Jeans here exactly what you and I were discussing last night.

No, I wouldn't.

Well, maybe I would. Dan.

Get your hands off me!

OK. Mr Davis here is Dennis' teacher and yesterday we were at a parent teacher meeting.

That's right, I'm a teacher.

Head of department as it goes, Oh, he doesn't like the title, does he?

Now who the hell are you?

Well...

He's my probation officer.

What? Yes, I am.

What the hell have you done?

None of your business.

I think you'll find it is, if I'm going to be dating a criminal I like to know what I'm up against.

We are not going to be dating.

Come on, mate, give me a steer, what's she done? I'm sorry.

What's going on here?

Well, apparently my son's teacher is a lunatic.

Listen, if she's just been nicking make-up cos she's lonely, I can cope with that. Dan.

God, this is so embarrassing.

Yes, it is embarrassing.

So let's all lay our cards on the table. I'll start.

When I was a child, I once stole a whole jar of cola cubes from a newsagent. Your turn.

Please, go away.

Dan, come on sit down.

Sorry, who are you? I'm his date, actually. Brian!

Oh, I see. No, you don't see.

He's not my real date.

Then what the hell am I? Brian? Dan?

Oh...

Oh, perfect.

Oh, well, this is f*cking perfect.

Oh, well done. You got me.

Checkmate.

I don't even believe in you and you've done me up like a bastard kipper.

Well, f*ck you, Winona Ryder!

And f*ck you, Naomi!

And... f*ck you... sock feet!

And you, little tiny bag shoulder!

And you, I've seen you behind me, earrings ears!

f*cking rice mouth!

f*ck you, bat wing sleeves!

Oh, someone's put gel in his hair.

f*ck you, gel head!

Oh, f*ck you, cr*cker hand!

Everybody out!

Mickey's f*cked it.

Pub.

Yoo-hoo, Daniel.

What?

Only me, love. Oh.

Oh, dear.

Someone had a bit of a night.

Bit of an awful night.

Oh, dear, no nice ladies out, then?

Plenty of nice ladies, just no nice Daniels, Mrs Wigmore, I'm useless.

Oh, shush yourself. You're a lovely young man, I told you.

I'm not, you know. I'm really not.

Mrs Wigmore thinks you are.

Erm... Well, then... I'll, erm... shall I?

Yeah.