01x06 - Anniversary

[bunniefuu]

Hello?

Hello?

Freddie?

Stuart?

Hello?

I'm not sure where Stuart is.

This is Ash, his neighbour.

Oh, is this Stuart's mum?

Nice to meet you.

No, I'm not a girl.

Ash is also a boy's name.

Yeah, it is.

I suppose I'll be seeing you at the party tonight, Mrs Bixby.

At the big party for Freddie and Stuart.

Yes, the actor.

Didn't you know about it?

Great, I'll see you tonight.

Yes, I'm positive I'm a boy.

Ash, what have you done?

Violet, you're back.

Yes, and just in time I see.

Was that Stuart's mother you were talking to?

Yeah, why? And you told her about the anniversary party?

The party for her son and his partner?

The party that's tonight?

Yeah? The son she doesn't know the truth about yet.

She doesn't know he's gay?

Oh, you're joking.

I'm afraid not.

Now think very carefully.

Exactly what did you say?

I don't remember.

Think very hard, Ash.

You're scaring me!

Don't worry. We're in this together.

Oh, God, what are they going to do when they find out?

Find out what?

Aghh!

What the hell is wrong with you two?

Hello, darling, I'm back.

Oh!

I had nothing to do with it.

It was all him.

Ash, you remember our friend Violet.

Hi.

I should be leaving.

Not until somebody tells me what's going on.

Why are you both here?

Is Stuart dead?

Oh!

Oh, sh*t.

Happy anniversary to you, too.

Oh, is that today? I knew there was a reason I woke up vomiting.

Well, happy anniversary.

I should get home and unpack.

I am so sorry that it didn't work out with your boyfriend in Buenos Aires, Vi.

Well, it was all terribly romantic at the start.

And the fact that he stole from me proved he really did care.

Now do tell me, what were you both going on about?

It was nothing.

We were just talking about the party tonight and how much fun it's going to be and how I maybe invited your mother.

You did what?

You tell me exactly what happened!

Well, I walked in and the phone was ringing and there was no-one was here, so I answered it.

And she was really sweet.

Oh, I don't think that's Stuart's mother, Ash.

And she said that I sounded like a girl.

Oh, no, it was her.

Can I have a glass of water?

It's really hot in here.

Is anybody else hot?

Oh, you're doing fine, darling.

I already told you I had nothing to do with what this lunatic did, right?

Continue, Ash.

I asked her if I was going to see her at the party tonight.

And she said, 'What party? and I said, 'Freddie and Stuart's party.'

She said, 'The actor?'

I said, 'Yeah.'

I don't remember if I said it was an anniversary party but I guess I invited her and she said she's coming. Bye!

I cannot believe it!

He answered our phone?

Hello, Judi, it's Freddie Thornhill again.

Just checking to see that you got my messages concerning the party this evening.

It would be lovely to see you.

Oh, please don't tell me you were calling Judi Dench again.

She's a very dear old friend.

Why shouldn't I be ringing her?

Because you haven't seen each other in over 40 years.

What nonsense.

We saw her just the other day.

Yes, in the latest James Bond film.

You do realise she can't see us back.

Well, any way we used to be very close.

Need I remind you we once appeared on television as young sweethearts?

Oh, in that Smarties commercial you did 50 years ago?

That very well-regarded Smarties commercial.

Some even called it Hitchcockian.

And why are you always lurking in doorways?

Isn't there a counter that needs wiping down?

Oh, no, I don't need any help at all preparing for the party.

Thank you so much for offering, you big bitch!

I'm coming, aren't I?

That should be enough.

I was hoping you'd show a little more enthusiasm.

After all, it's been 49 years.

49 years of what?

I have absolutely no idea at this point.

I have made a decision about something, Freddie.

Well, are you going to tell me or are we waiting for a messenger to deliver a scroll?

It's something you've wanted me to do for a long time.

You're finally ready to have an open relationship?

No!

I'm going to tell my mother about us... tonight.

It's time, don't you think?

I do.

This is delightful.

Mmmm, yes.

Tell me whose flat is this?

Freddie and Stuart's.

Right. It looks like they're getting ready to have a party.

Maybe we should leave.

We're at the party, dear.

Of course.

What fun!

Sorry to keep you waiting.

We're putting all the anniversary gifts over there.

Where did you leave yours?

At the store.

Hello, Penelope.

Happy birthday, Steven!

Everything you just said was wrong.

What a glorious evening for erm...

Oh. Is it just the two of them?

So far.

I'll come down again when there are more people.

Can I pour myself a drink?

When we get our gift you get your drink.

Oh!

Happy anniversary, darling!

Thank you, Violet.

Let me take that from you.

It's so light.

It's just a box.

I wanted to make a festive entrance.

What is wrong with you people?

How many now?

Oh, for God's sake!

Just come down!

Fine.

Hello, Violet.

I was hoping to make an entrance for Judi.

Who's Judi?

Judi Dench!

Who else is Judi?

The check-out girl at my Tesco is Judi.

Well, it's not her! We did not invite the bloody check-out girl from Tesco to our anniversary party.

We invited Dame Judi...

Dench!

Is Judi Dench coming tonight?

We're hoping.

Freddie has invited her.

No.

We worked together long ago.

The 12 hours we spent eating chocolates was one of the highlights of my career.

Yes, of course, the Smarties commercial!

That she remembers!

I see your mother's not here yet, Stuart.

No, not yet.

You'll know she's arrived when you hear the gates of hell creaking open.

Have you decided what you're going to do?

Oh, yes. I'm going to tell her the truth about myself and Freddie.

Finally.

I'm very proud of you.

Tonight? Are you sure?

Perhaps Ash never mentioned it was an anniversary party.

We can just say we're celebrating some other event.

It was actually my birthday yesterday.

So what?

We wouldn't be having a party for that.

No, I've decided, I'm going to tell her.

Damn the consequences.

Oh! That could be her.

Look out of the window first.

Check if you see any flying monkeys.

Oh. It's just Ash.

Oh, Ash, you are looking very handsome this evening.

Very... tapered and slim. Very stylish.

Very well-groomed.

I'm still straight.

Will you let us know if that ever changes?

I've brought you a gift.

Oh, thank you, Ash.

How thoughtful.

And it's not even empty.

Stuart, I'm really sorry about mentioning the party to your mum.

No, I'm actually glad you did, Ash.

I've been putting it off for far too long.

If you waited any longer we'd have to dig her up to tell her.

Ash, you know Penelope and Mason.

And you remember our friend Violet.

You're joking, right?

Excuse me?

Nothing, it's just...

Just what?

Well, it's kind of... Kind of, you know...

What's he talking about?

Is he having a seizure?

You have to hold his tongue.

It's kind of crazy, don't you think, that you always say to me, 'You remember our friend Violet?'

I mean, I've only met her a thousand times.

We've all had dinners together.

We've gone to pubs together.

We even went to bloody Stonehenge!

Of course I remember Violet!

She practically gives me a hand job every time she says hello!

Well, about time.

Welcome to the family.

I didn't even realise I was saying it.

Did you?

Not at all.

And I only touched his penis twice.

By accident.

Wow, it feels really good to say what you think.

I'm going to try it more often.

Please don't try it on me, dear.

Because it's already horrible enough coming here.

How heartwarming.

You're both going to turn that sweet boy into a gargoyle like you.

Yes. I think we just might.

Oh, my God, it's her.

Or Judi. It could also be Judi.

Judi Dench.

Not Judi from Tesco.

Hello, Mother.

Hello, Stuart.

Please, come in.

Hello, Mildred. You're looking... alive.

Kind of.

Who's he?

That's Freddie, my flatmate.

You know, the actor.

And this is Ash and Penelope and Mason.

And Violet of course.

Oh, yes. The slut.

Lovely seeing you, too, Mildred.

Now tell me, is this your birthday party?

Yes, it is.

No, it's not!

Don't you know when my birthday is?

April?

Freddie, tell her when my birthday is!

July?

It was mine yesterday.

Happy birthday to me.

My birthday is in October!

And this party, Mother, is celebrate our 49th anniversary!

Yes. That's right, Freddie and I... are partners.

Well?

I told you not to say anything.

Are you sure she's all right, Freddie?

Yes, unfortunately.

Just a fainting spell.

You think she could have at least broken a hip.

I can't help but feel it might have put a damper on the party if Stuart's mother had d*ed.

I don't know. I think it would have perked things up a bit.

Erm, did anybody lose a set of teeth?

They must be Mildred's.

Oh, yes. You can tell from the fangs.

How is she, darling?

She's resting peacefully.

With God?

I don't think she even remembers what happened.

Oh, did anybody find teeth?

I did. They have bits of stuff from the floor all over them.

They need to be rinsed off.

No, they're fine.

I'll just shove them back in while she's asleep.

So she didn't mention anything at all about your news?

Not a thing.

Oh, she did apologise for breaking wind after she collapsed.

I told you that was her!

I stand corrected.

This time.

Well, hats off, it was another glorious evening.

This party's isn't over yet. There are still more guests to arrive.

Freddie, I don't think Judi Dench is going to come.

Of course she's going to come.

It's early still.

We're supposed to be having fun, so let's have fun for Christ sake!

Now you, sit down!

Do as he says. Everybody, please, just do as he says!

Well, I think I'm going to have another drink.

Anybody else like one?

I think if we're going to get through this night, we'll each need our own bottle.

All right, settle down.

This isn't quite as I imagined our 49th anniversary.

Really? Because this is exactly how I imagined it.

Uncomfortable and tense with very little food.

Oh, isn't it as grand as your anniversary parties?

Oh, wait, that's right!

You've never been married.

Well if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to say hello to the dog.

He's somewhat better company.

What's wrong with her?

I have no idea. Suddenly people can't take jokes any more.

You all know we're joking with you, right?

Right!

Yeah.

Yes, of course.

Are you all right, Violet?

Yes, yes, I'm fine.

I'm just being silly, that's all.

Do you want to talk about it?

With you?

Yeah. With me.

Oh, Ash, I don't want you to think I'm feeling sorry for myself.

It's just... When is it my turn?

When am I going to meet somebody?

I don't want to be alone any more.

I guess I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living.

Now life has k*lled the dream I dreamed.

Isn't that from Les Mis?

Yes, but it holds true in this situation too.

I think you're a wonderful woman, Violet.

You do?

I do. And any man would be lucky to have you.

He's out there. I promise.

Oh, sorry.

Thank you.

I feel much better.

OK, well, I'm going to go into the other room now.

What was that?

Just two friends sharing a moment.

Oh. Because it looked like you were trying to eat his face.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings just now.

I sometimes...

I know, darling. It's all right.

You know, I actually feel kind of fabulous.

Stuart, get in here. It's back!

God help us.

Mother, how are you feeling?

Like there's something very strange stuck to my teeth.

A button.

You're old. You're eating buttons.

It happens.

Is there anything you'd like to talk about from earlier this evening, Mother?

You mean when I farted?

No, before that, dear.

When I told you my news.

No, I don't remember.

Well, then perhaps I should refresh your memory.

It's something that is very important to me and...

I said I don't remember and I certainly don't want to talk about it, so do be quiet!

Of course, Mother.

Well, we are going to talk about it.

And you are going to listen!

Oh, good Lord.

Why don't they just bash her over the head and be done with it?

The man you are talking so disrespectfully to is not only your son but my partner of 49 years!

Oh, they're a couple!

And I will have you know he is the most wonderful man in the world and I am proud to call him my lover!

It's getting very graphic.

Yes, we have had a few minor differences over the years but I can't imagine my life without him.

So when you talk to him, you talk to him with respect.

Oh, Freddie, I don't know what to say.

Shut up!

I'm not finished yet.

He cares very deeply about you but unless you can accept him and our relationship you are not welcome here.

Now I'm finished.

Thank you.

OK.

OK?

Yes. Congratulations.

Call me tomorrow.

And the food was awful.

I can't believe it.

After all these years my mother finally accepts me.

Oh, Stuart.

She really is a vile woman.

Dreadful.

That was amazing what you did, Freddie.

Not at all, Ash. I just stood up for the person I love.

You'll do that one day, too.

I hope I have your strength.

I'm sure you will.

Did Freddie Thornhill just use the word 'love'?

You're so desperate.

Clinging to any kind word tossed your way.

It's very unattractive, Stuart.

So why don't you get us some drinks and stop standing there with your mouth gaping open like a cheap Italian fountain?

It must be so nice to have been in love with somebody for 49 years.

Do let me know what that feels like.

Ah, this is the way it should be.

Now it feels like home.

So do you both sleep in the same bed?

Yes, Penelope.

Two men.

How extraordinary.

You know what?

It's a gorgeous evening.

I suddenly feel like opening the curtains.

We are just so happy that you are all here to share our anniversary.

You do know that we love you all very much, right?

Right!

Hello, Freddie, it's Judi Dench.

It's so wonderful to hear from you after all these years.

Yes, I'd love to come to your party but you didn't leave me your address.

So if you could just ring back with that, that would be fantastic.

Hi, Freddie, it's Judi Dench.

I still haven't heard back from you.

I cancelled plans with Daniel Craig for this, so do phone back.

It's me again, Judi. It's ten o'clock and I still haven't heard from you.

Right after I throw your gift out, I'll be heading to sleep so don't bother ringing me back.

I've got an Oscar.

I don't need this bullshit.