04x13 - Home is Where the Wheeler Is

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Emma, let's get these little piggies into this little pink sparkly market, okay?

Oh, come on, these are too small too.

Hey, if you're not careful, you're going to be all feet and no head.

Riley was supposed to take her shoe shopping.

You guys know where she's been the last couple of days?

I don't know. How should I know?

Don't look at me. I haven't seen her.

Now if you'll excuse me, my girlfriend's waiting for her coffee.

What's up with him?

What? What? Oh, who, Danny?

Danny? Uh, no, him and Riley had a thing.

You know? He said something, she said something back.

That pretty much clears it up, right?

I have amazing news!

Evelyn is dead!

What?

Wait, you mean the sweet old lady across the hall?

Sweet? Please.

Right now she's slow dancing with Satan.

And I am going to pry the listing for that apartment out of her cold, gnarled fingers.

Well, I loved Evelyn.

I mean, she used to let me wonder around her apartment and put blue stickers on stuff I could have after she d*ed.

I put stickers all over that place.

I'm gonna be stickin' rich!

You're a horrible person.

Oh, okay, whatever you say, realtor to the dead.

Oh.

Yeah.

Can't we just agree you're both tied in the horrible department?

How could Riley ignore a text about shoe shopping?

God, I hope nothing's wrong. Where the heck is she?

So what do we think?

Can we maybe get up and put some clothes on today?

Can I bring you a mirror and show you what's going on here?

Mom, what's the point?

You know, I'd rather just stay here where no one can see me and I can't ruin any more lives.

Just mine, honey.

I ruined everything with Ben and Danny.

Oh my God! I thought you were gonna tell me you were pregnant...

And by a Wheeler!

Mom, I destroyed the relationship I waited my whole life for with Ben, and then I ruined the best friendship I ever had with Danny by telling him I think I'm in love with him?

Oh, there's something new and disturbing.

Why don't you go to your apartment and call me? We can talk about it.

I'm sort of turning this into a crafting room.

I don't really have an apartment anymore.

I kind of gave up my lease.

What?

Oh, well, okay, maybe we can just move you into the basement with your father.

Mom, I just... you know, I need a fresh start.

A life without the wheelers. They'll be better off without me.

I agree.

And you know what else you'll be better off without?

That hairdo.

You kind of look like a lesbian.

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪

All right, thank you.

Okay, well, Riley hasn't been to work all week, which her boss now knows.

I may have gotten her in trouble.

Mom, what the hell are you doing?

Waiting for someone to come claim that old biddy, so I can get the listing and cash in.

Ooh! It's showtime!

Hello! I'm Bonnie.

You must be Evelyn's beloved niece.

Granddaughter.

Audrey.

Ashley.

You sure? I like Audrey better.

Evelyn and I were very close.

I loved her like she was my own grandma.

She hated you.

Well, who's laughing now, Evelyn?

Again, very sorry for your loss.

Here's my card.

Why don't you let me help you sell this place?

I think we're good.

Hey, ma, good news.

I just heard that old lady you hated d*ed!

(Grunts)

He's talking about my mother.

Hi, I'm Ashley.

Nice to meet you, Ashley.

Oh my God! Danny Wheeler?

I can't believe grandma never mentioned she lived across the hall from a hockey star.

Sweetie, your grandma didn't know she lived in an apartment.

So are you a hockey fan?

Yeah, and a Danny Wheeler fan.

Ah.

I've never missed a game.

I can tell you every important play he's ever made.

Well, that won't take too long.

How about I make you a deal?

You hook me up with this place and I'll hook you up with that face.

Danny?

Danny, you need to go on a date with that girl and convince her to give me the listing to that apartment.

Great, just let me go tell my girlfriend.

Thanks, sweetie. You're a good son.

Mom, I'm not going to break up with Robyn for you.

Why not?

Robyn is not the right girl for you.

We have nothing in common, and she never laughs at my jokes.

Neither do I. Maybe you and I should break up.

(Knocking)

Ooh, Ashley!

So you thought things over?

Actually, I'm looking for Tucker Dobbs.

My grandma left something for him.

Oh, I don't think that he's even...

I'm here, I'm here! I'm home, I'm home!

Oh God! I am so sorry. Poor Evelyn.

I... I'm gonna miss her so much.

You know, she was just such a bright light in my dark... a shoe box?

Okay, unless that thing has three mink coats, two Tiffany lamps, and an antique vanity mirror, me and you about to have some words.

Who are you people? (Scoffs)

Oh! Nice work.

Could you possibly be any more selfish?

Ooh, is there any chance that she left you the apartment?

If so, I'd love to represent you.

Oh, hell to the no!

I didn't even put a sticker on this thing.

(Rattling)

Oh, my God, wait. There's something inside of it.

Maybe a key to a safety-deposit box.

Ah, crap. Nothing.

Wait.

Wait, what's this?

"My dear Tucker, "thank you for making my final days on this earth the best days of my life. You were the grandson I never had."

Oh, Evelyn, they took you too soon.

"P.S., "tell Bonnie I hate her."

What?

Oh, my God. I just got off the phone with Riley's landlord.

She gave up her apartment. She moved back to Jersey.

Nobody moves back to Jersey!

(Knocking)

Well, well, well, if it isn't everyone's favorite delinquent.

Did you come to return my lawn gnome?

That was 15 years ago.

He was part of a pair...

Gnomeo and Juliet.

Okay, well, if it gives you closure, Gnomeo didn't suffer.

He also didn't float. Is Riley home?

No!

Mrs. perrin, please!

Please, I need to talk to her. I need to know what's wrong.

Really? Haven't you done enough?

No, wait. Haven't I done enough?

Am I why she ran away?

Mrs. perrin!

Please talk to me.

Come on, Danny.

I'm not asking you to sleep with Ashley.

Just make out with her!

You know, maybe a little over-the-bra action until I get the listing.

Robyn will never know.

Mom, I am not cheating on my girlfriend for you.

I just did that once so you could pass your driver's test.

Never again!

Miss Nussbaum still calls me.

(Knocking)

Robyn!

Hey, Mrs. Wheeler.

Is Danny ready?

Uh, Danny?

Uh, sick as a dog.

Yeah, in bed.

Pretty serious cold-flu-strep- phlegmy-stomach-head thingy.

That's horrible. Why didn't he call me?

Uh, because he was too busy calling the doctor, the drugstore, and his mother.

Jeez, you are very self-centered.

Yeah, all right, he will get to you when he can, or not, okay?

Okay.

Well, tell him if he needs...

Bye, bye, bye, bye!

Hey, is that Robyn?

Uh, Robyn? Yes.

Yes, it was.

Um, but she got an emergency phone call from the courthouse.

Either it was a motion she forgot to file or a file she forgot to motion.

I wasn't really paying attention. She's very dull.

Wow, so she's standing me up?

I didn't think of that.

Yes. Yes, she is. You should break up with her!

Oh, Ashley! Huh?

Got a little dinner there? Eating alone?

Sad little to-go box. Maybe Danny can join you?

These are my grandma's ashes.

Oh. Do you need a hug?

(Whispering) Danny, take your shirt off.

Mom!

Look, Ashley, I'm sorry. You seem... mom!

You seem like a really nice person, but I have a girlfriend who my mom does not approve of.

But you know what? I don't need her approval.

Right, mom?

Damn.

(Tapping)

Ben. Oh, my God.

Ben, what are you doing here?

I'm not allowed to have boys over.

Riley, you can't run away from home.

Well, run away to home... from your home.

Whatever. Riley, you can't run away from me.

Ben, haven't I done enough damage?

Oh!

Oh, Ben!

You have now! (Groaning)

You okay?

Oh, honey, I'm so, so, so sorry.

Are you comfy? Hungry? In pain?

(Inhales sharply) Ah!

Oh my God! Are you in pain?

Well, my lawn is.

The lawn is dented.

You dented my lawn.

No, no, no, this is all my fault.

He has to spend the night. You have to spend the night.

Well, how about we put him on the curb instead?

I'd say, you know, we could put him in a white trash bag, but that's a little redundant.

Mom, could you be cool just, like, once?

You're embarrassing me.

Why don't you go make Ben something to eat?

And I will fix up the guest bedroom for him.

Fine. But if I wake up and that cat is shaved again, there will be hell to pay!

I didn't shave that cat.

I waxed it.

Riley, why are you here?

Did you come home because of what happened between us?

Ben, I really, I just... I don't want to talk about it.

Well...

And please don't touch my beanie babies.

(Door closes)

(Dialing)

Danny: Hello?

Danny, hey.

Look, we have a situation. I need you to ask mom to watch Emma and get out here a.S.A.P. It's Riley.

Oh. I'm pretty busy right now, Ben.

Okay, whatever you guys are fighting about right now, you need to forget it, okay?

(Beeps)

We're not fighting. She just said something I liked and then said something I didn't like, so I said... okay, maybe we're fighting.

Danny, you could... are you okay?

Oh, just... yeah, I'm okay. I was just trying so hard to walk.

I don't want to be a burden to you, Riley.

I just...

Oh, it's okay.

It's okay.

Ooh, ooh, here she is.

Okay, I'm counting on you, Emma.

Okay, you ready? Yeah. Okay.

Oh, Ashley, thank God you're here.

What's wrong?

My son Ben is having some kind of crisis in Jersey and he needs me, but I can't find anybody to watch Emma.

Oh, thank God. Thank you so much. You're a real life-saver.

Everything you need is right here and I shouldn't be gone for more than... (Mumbling).

So just call me if you got any problems.

I don't have your num...

Bye bye now!

Hey, mom, you know where my... oh!

Ashley, um...

I was just, um...

Your mom made me watch her. She just said no one was in here.

I should get some pants.

So can I ask you a hockey question?

It's a game played on skates and the object is to get the puck into the net.

It's kind of simple.

No.

The game against the Canucks when you were robbed of the hat trick?

That's because Horvat tripped you, wasn't it?

Yeah. Nobody saw that.

I did.

I see everything you do.

(Footsteps approaching)

Oh my God, you do that too?

You should listen to 2C.

I do.

I think she's leaving Gary.

Well, you know he cheatin'!

Both: With 3B!

Oh, you know what? You can't go in here.

Danny's with Ashley.

Oh, hey, cover for me.

Tucker?

(Rustling)

Ahem. If anyone asks, you have not seen me. I just need to find somewhere to stash the ashes.

Then I'm giving Evelyn the funeral she deserves.

And the coat?

Hey, I dot it, I got it.

Hi again.

I brought Danny some soup to make him feel better.

You're too late!

He's, um... he's gone.

What?

It was just a cold!

How could this happen?

Not dead.

He's downstairs doing laundry.

Yeah, yeah, let me show you where he's at.

Oh, thank God you're pretty.

Ben, just let it go, please.

I promise everyone will be better off without me around.

Nothing will be better without you.

I ruined a perfect friendship.

That's not true. I'll never stop being your friend.

Actually, I meant... look, I get it. I messed up.

I pushed you away and now you don't think we can just be friends.

But we can. I can.

What about Danny?

What about him?

You'll forget about whatever you're fighting about.

He can't survive without you.

Did he say that?

Yes.

Of course. Totally. Riley, he needs you.

Don't you know that? We all need you.

Really?

Okay.

Okay?

Okay, you'll come back?

All right. Oh, come here!

All right, let me pack your stuff.

All right, you can stay with us until you find something.

I won't be weird, I promise.

Oh my God.

I'm all healed. It's a miracle.

My God, I can't believe you just lied to me.

No, Riley, I...

No, thank you, thank you for proving that I made the right decision.

What decision?

There is a position open at my firm in Buffalo.

You know, it's the other city that never sleeps.

And I'm taking it. Now go away.

I'll give you a 10-second head start...

Then we'll find out if you float.

Oh, I waxed the cat.

Ah. Oh, look, Danny! Look who's here!

Oh, now who would put this here? God.

No!

What?

Oh. Oh, darn it!

Now we're locked in.

Now why would you do that? Can't you read?

No!

I can't.

And now you're making me feel bad about my lack of education.

And I got this scar from the Detroit game.

I tripped coming out of the locker room.

Okay, people, we have an emergency situation.

We need to stage a friend-ervention and bring Riley home.

Dude, why don't you just leave her alone?

I know that's my plan.

She's leaving, Danny.

She's moving to Buffalo.

I tried to stop her, but she won't listen to me.

Maybe she'll listen to you. Please help me.

It's not that easy.

Yes, it is! She's your best friend.

Oh, you should never fight with friends.

Sometimes they're all you have.

Yeah, what she said.

And who are you?

I'm Evelyn's granddaughter.

Oh. She hated my mom.

Any chance she had a car?

(Both laughing)

Oh, I swear, I thought we would never get him back from that firehouse.

You leave one kid in a basket as a joke. You know, come on!

You're hilarious.

I know.

Oh. You know what, Robyn?

I think I was wrong about you.

I didn't think you and Danny were right for each other.

Haven't been so sure either, but after hearing all these stories about him, I really want to keep trying. He really is special.

Yep, and I've got the bus pass to prove it.

Look, I'm sorry I locked you in here and tried to break you and Danny up.

I just really wanted that apartment listing.

What? You were trying to break us up?

(Laughs)

No.

No. No, it's just... it's one of my stories.

You know? They're not all true.

(Laughs)

Oh, do you have any quarters, huh?

That'd be fun, huh?

Ben: Riley!

Ah, these are mine!

Riley?

Ben?

What are you all doing here?

You can't leave us.

We won't let you.

Okay? Emma needs you. You're her role model...

You know, when you're not in the middle of a nervous breakdown.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Ashley.

My grandma Evelyn lived across the hall from these guys.

She's dead. I got her car.

Oh, I loved Evelyn.

We used to get together and complain about Mrs. Wheeler.

Focus, people.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

I was looking for a park for Evelyn.

What are you doing with those ashes?

You may not care about your grandmother, but I loved her, and she was special to me.

And I'm going to give her the burial that she deserves.

That's sweet, but that's not my grandma.

That's her cat, wilton.

Oh.

I guess that explains the bell.

(Dinging)

You know, I can see now why she loved you.

I guess that's why she gave you that figurine worth thousands of dollars.

Our friendship was worth way more than... what?

Okay, people, can we get back on track here?

Riley, this is why we need you.

Everyone falls apart without you.

Everyone?

Danny, she's been there for you your whole life.

Be there for her now.

You don't understand. I'm still mad about what you said.

Well, I didn't mean to say what I said when I said it.

But once I felt it, I couldn't not say it.

I don't know what either one of you are saying.

I'm saying she hurt me.

I'm saying I'm sorry.

And I'm saying get over it.

Can you, Danny? Please?

I guess so.

Really?

Yeah.

I miss my friend. You need to come home.

Okay.

I mean, if that's what you all want.

Wait, really?

It worked?

I did it? I did it!

Yay, me!

Mom.

Uh, did you hear all that?

I sure did, honey.

If you hurry, I bet you could catch a ride home.

I love you, mom.

I love you too, sweetie.

I took all the candy out of your suitcase.

Look, I just wanted to say I'm so happy we're back to being, well, us, and I promise I will not interfere with you and Robyn anymore.

Actually, Robyn and I broke up.

You did?

You did?

It's cool. I'm dating Ashley now.

Well, that was super fast.

But, um, don't worry about me.

I will not interfere with your love life.

In fact, unless you need me, you won't even notice I'm around, okay?

Okay. Were you able to get a new place?

Yeah, yeah. The location is awesome.

I'll see you around, neighbor.

She rented it to Riley?

Well played, Evelyn.

Well played!

Ah!