03x04 - Racegate

[bunniefuu]

Hey. Marc Maron.

Hey, man.

I listen to your podcast.

Oh, yeah? Great. Thanks, buddy.

That was a pretty tasty Salon article today.

What? Okay.

All right. I'll check it out, man.

You do that.

Okay.

What?

It's a solid article.

"Why no black guests on Maron's podcast?"

God damn it.

Hey, the writer has a point.

No, he doesn't. I have black guests on.

Okay, what's your ratio of white to black guests?

That's not the point, man.

Because they have the ratio right here in the article.

All right. I get it. What am I supposed to do?

Comedy is segregated. We travel in different circles.

Yeah, or you don't want to.

That's bullshit. I don't go to black clubs.

Other than the big guys, I don't know any of them.

What are you doing now?

Making a new hashtag on Twitter.

#noblackguestsonmaronspodcast.

You know we're friends, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I just want to get out in front of this thing in case it starts snowballing.

Oh, right.

Horrible.

It's important.

No.

["The Poisoned Well" plays]

♪ Won't fall for it ♪
♪ You can't see ♪
♪ And you can't tell ♪
♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪

Hey, do you guys think I don't have enough black guests on my show?

I don't know. It's audio. I don't hear color.

It's just, I mean, I want to book black comics, but I just... They... they, like, live in a different world or s... I-I don't know what I'm trying to say.

God damn it.

Well, you're r*cist.

You don't want to talk to black people.

Why am I being singled out?

'Cause you're the man now.

And you're trying to keep the black man down.

And you're Jewish, too, so it's, like, super old school.

This is garbage.

I mean, that Salon is just sensationalized articles.

It's click bait. No one's gonna buy it.

I don't know. I'm getting a lot of re-tweets.

Yeah, thanks a lot, d*ck. I got to go to a black club.

I think there's one down on Pico next to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.

Oh, is that...

Shut up.

We'll go tonight. I'll be right by your side.

Thank you, Andy.

Fo shizzle.

I'm going alone.

Man: I'll prove to you that Asians are the best drivers.

Think about it like this... anybody can just drive safely.

[laughter]

And anybody can have an accident.

But do you know how hard it is to almost have an accident all day?

[laughter]

I learned something when I was in Asia.

I came back to tell you something.

Well, well, well. Look who it is... the mighty Marc Maron.

I'm Kyle Erby. I'm a comedian.

Oh, hey, man. How's it going?

It's good, man. It's good.

Thought I'd drop by, check out the scene.

Scene?

Asians are the best drivers.

Yeah, you know.

Oh, you mean a black club?

Yeah.

It's good, man. You can say it, man.

Just use your words. Black club.

Okay, man, yeah.

Just thought I'd come by and check out a black club.

I've never really been to one.

You know, it felt wrong.

Dude, it's just... it's a club, man.

We make people laugh like you do.

Come on, man. I'll show you around.

Okay. Thanks, buddy.

Let's dance off-b*at.

[laughter]

And right? And we literally cannot do it.

'Cause wha... what happens is, you get back on b*at by mistake.

[laughter]

Not on purpose. You get back on b*at...

Well, I do sets at the improv all the time.

You do?

Yeah, on "black night."

[scoffs] Yep.

Right.

[chuckles]

Mondays, 10:00 P.M. The "black hour."

Right.

Every... every other night's white night.

Yep.

Asian Sundays.

Oh, yeah. [laughs]

[laughs]

All right, fair enough.

It's segregated.

No sh*t.

The audiences are different.

We got to change our acts to perform in front of white audiences.

I have to change my act to perform for a black audience.

When's the last time that happened?

[laughter]

The one time... the one time.

The difference is you don't got to perform in front of black audiences in order to break out.

Thank you. You just get to keep doing what you want to do.

Mm-hmm.

But we got to have a black act, a white act.

You know, we got to change our whole act for the white man, dude.

Scale it down.

That's right.

Honestly, the thought of performing for a black audience makes me sweat right now.

[laughter]

That's 'cause you got to have energy, man. You got to perform.

We just can't sit there, mumbling, in one spot or sitting on a stool.

Now, now, wait a minute. The stool can be powerful.

It forces people to listen to your words.

Why don't you just lay down onstage?

I did that.

[Nina laughs]

I did. I did it once. People in back can't see.

[laughs]

No, sir. You better not go in there playing with black folks' money like that.

Heck, no. Unh-unh. Ooh.

No, sir. Black folk'll boo you offstage.

That's right.

There's that... what white people do.

They just get quiet and sad, right?

Mm-hmm.

That's why white comedians can be vulnerable, you know?

We got to be macho.

That's right.

We got... we got to be tough.

I don't know. Pryor got pretty vulnerable.

He talked about sucking a d*ck onstage.

I do that.

Oh, well, good.

As long as someone's covering it.

Yeah. But, hey, listen, Richard Pryor wouldn't be able to do that today, man.

Yeah.

No way. For sure.

I don't know if it's the hip-hop, the rap culture, but...

Uh-huh.

...no, you wouldn't be able to say that today.

Right? This is great.

Oh, you like talking about Richard Pryor sucking a d*ck onstage?

No, man. I mean just, like, hanging out.

I'm... I feel like an idiot that I didn't come down here sooner.

It's great talking to you guys.

And I should have you on the podcast, talk about this stuff.

Yeah, and you know who you need to get, Bruce Bruce.

Oh, yeah.

I'd love to get Bruce Bruce on the podcast.

Hey, you know, his guy's out back.

Bruce does what he says.

Seriously?

Yeah. You should talk to him.

Doug.

Yo, Kyle.

'Sup, dawg?

What's up, baby?

Hey, man, this is Marc Maron.

Hey, man.

What took you so long?

What?

Oh, you don't think I know why you here, Marc Maron?

I read Salon.

You know I can get Bruce Bruce to do your little podcast.

You read Salon?

That's right.

I enjoy click-bait garbage just as much as the next guy, Marc Maron.

Okay.

So, can... can you get Bruce Bruce to do my podcast?

Yeah, I can do that, Marc Maron.

Can you stop calling me Marc Maron?

No, I can't, Marc Maron.

All right. Well, what happens now, man?

Well, now you give me your E-mail...

Okay.

...and I go back, finish talking to my friends.

Okay.

Goodbye, Marc Maron.

A-All right. All right. Thanks.

[alarm honks]

So, you brought the whole crew with you, huh?

Yeah, they go most places I do.

You know Doug. This is Kyle and Stump.

Yeah, I know Doug and Kyle. How you doing, Stump?

Thanks for having me on.

Yeah, thanks for doing it, man. I'm a big fan.

So, where do we do this?

We do it in the studio right over here.

Okay.

All right, Bruce, you can sit here.

[laughs]

Nice job figuring out how to put a table in the garage.

All right.

Look out, Howard Stern.

Somebody's doing a show in a doghouse.

[laughter]

Okay. Funny. Funny.

So, uh, we're gonna get started here in a minute.

All right. Cool.

Um...

N-No, I mean, it's a... it's a one-on-one thing with just me and Bruce.

Oh, cool. We won't say anything.

No, no, I know. I know.

But it's just not how I do interviews.

I-I... I mean, like, if you watch "The Tonight Show," you don't see the guest hanging out with his buddies. You know what I'm saying?

[chuckles] You know you talking into a computer in your toolshed, right?

[laughter]

Bruce: All right, clear out.

Let the man do the interview the way he wants.

It's his shed.

[laughter]

Okay, so, yeah, you guys can just hang out in the backyard.

Uh... It's a little chilly outside.

I think we'll just hang out in the house.

Hmm.

Yeah. Okay.

I'll take you in the house.

Walk you in there.

Well, thank you, Marc Maron.

Okay.

Okay. Well, I guess you guys can just, you know, hang out in here.

Uh, i-if you want to watch TV, there's the TV in there.

Um... I got... I got a stereo system, but I-I would just not.

You know, it's very complicated and...

I-I-I barely know how to use it.

Okay. Well, you know.

All right. All right.

Come on, man.

You listen to rock 'n' roll when you were a kid?

Yeah, I did, man.

And where'd you... where were you living, though?

Were you the oddball?

Yeah. I'm in the hood.

I'm talking about straight hood.

Yeah.

I'm just... But they... they thought I was the weirdest kid.

'Cause, you know, I used to wear a baseball cap with a fireman hat turned forward.

Yeah.

So, I wa... I was kind of weird.

This was in Atlanta.

So, you're living out here now.

Where you living in Los Angeles?

Hey, I bought Ray Romano's old house.

Furnished and everything.

I know that house! I've been to that house.

That's a nice house. It's all set up?

Yeah, man. No shopping. Hey, just moved right on in.

I even kept a "Everybody Loves Raymond" poster.

Real...

It's in the bathroom.

I guess that makes everything easier.

Yeah. It's nice to have things easy. No drama.

I don't know what that means, Bruce, 'cause I love drama. I-I attract drama.

I'm in drama. I-I-I hug drama. I roll around in drama.

I can't... I can't e-extract myself from it.

Nah, man. You need to learn to have a good time.

I think I have a good time sometimes, Bruce.

I don't always know when it's happening.

You ever just go onstage and just smile?

I-I have no idea what you're saying right now.

What is going on in here? Wow.

My cat is gonna be in a good mood today.

What are you guys doing?

Sorry, man. We got really high.

It was good weed, though. He gave it to us.

Yeah, I wanted everyone to be really high.

What's with this dude?

Uh, well, I don't know.

Do you know anybody that just makes people uncomfortable?

Yeah, yeah. Stump.

Well, that guy's my Stump.

Well, man...

Yeah.

Thanks for having me over, man.

Yeah, buddy.

Give me a call, man. We can hang at my place.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Thanks for doing it. That's great.

That's great.

Come on, guys.

Come on, superman. You good to drive, Stump?

A'ight.

Hey, next time have me on the podcast, man.

Oh, yeah. Okay, Kyle. You got it.

See you later, Stump. All right, Doug.

[sighs] Marc Maron.

Oh, yeah?

What are we doing? Are you...

Come here.

Oh, okay, man.

You smell good.

Yeah. All right. Thank you.

Okay, buddy. Take it easy.

Wow.

Well, that couldn't have gone any better.

So if you came here to gloat, you were wrong.

All I had to do was extend my reach a little bit.

People are just people, man. Especially comics.

We speak the common language.

Wow.

Look, I'm not gonna expect you to be man enough to admit you were wrong.

I am Marc Maron, Friend of the Black Man.

Do you need a nap? Is that what you need?

There you go. [chuckles]

Where's my laptop? I want to see how my new episode's doing.

Last time I saw it, it was there on the table.

Yeah, that's where I put it.

I put it right there, but now it's not there, so... where is it?

You know, I don't know if I don't care 'cause I'm high or if I just don't give a sh*t.

How have you never been sh*t yet?

I don't know.

Come on! Come on, Dave!

You got to help me find this thing.

There's a lot of information on it.

My banking stuff's on there, my podcast schedule, my personal sh*t.

God damn it.

Yeah. I think it's pretty obvious what happened here.

Just say it.

No, man. I can't say it. That... It just can't be true.

It's too...

What, stereotypical?

Yeah!

Let's do the math.

No.

Okay, so...

[sighs]

...you left your laptop on the dining-room table, and then you went outside to meet some black guys.

Why you got to bring race into it?

They're just guys that happen to be black.

Right. A-And then the black guys came into your house...

Why... why are you pushing this black thing?

...and then when the black guys left, your computer was missing.

Misplaced. It's misplaced.

You know, you just can't face the truth because you're a r*cist.

What does that even mean?

You know, you aren't looking at the obvious because of the color of their skin.

You're giving a thief a pass because he's black.

And you're white or Jewish or whatever.

Jewish is white.

Yeah, I'm not really sure about that.

You have a mental disorder.

You know, if you treated everyone the same regardless of the color of their skin, you would accuse them of taking the laptop.

What, uh... No, wait. You... Now you're twisting it.

Ah, sh*t.

One of them had a backpack, and...

I just... I just don't want it to be true, man.

Yeah, of course you don't, 'cause you're a good person.

Good people can be racists.

You know, if they were white, I probably would have talked to them by now.

I would have called a white Bruce Bruce by now.

Right.

The only way to deal with your racism is head-on.

You got to go over to black Bruce Bruce's house and just confront them.

Why does it got to be a confrontation?

Let's just go over there and... and find out what's up.

It's probably just a misunderstanding.

You want to go with me?

What, as like backup?

Yeah.

This is a bad idea, man.

Oh, fo shizzle. Fo shizzle.

Gate's closed.

Well, just hit the little intercom thingy.

I don't want to do this, man.

Well, what's the other option?

You just give up all the information on your computer, just walk away?

What, because they're black guys?

What if they didn't do it?

Well, then you'll spend the rest of your life thinking that they did, and knowing you didn't confront them because of the color of their skin.

[sighs]

Hey, this is some deathbed sh*t.

This is your rosebud.

[scoffs]

Yeah, black rosebud.

Hey, Maron. What's up?

Hey, what's up, man?

I was just driving by and saw Ray Romano's old place, remembered you... you lived here and thought we'd stop in and say hi.

Y-You said you wanted to hang out, so, you know...

I'm here.

But usually people call first.

Yeah, yeah. I forgot my phone.

Hey, Kyle.

We was about to binge-watch "Mad Men."

Oh. Really? You like that show?

That's weird.

Why is that?

Uh... Don't know. It's stupid.

I don't know. N-No reason, I guess.

I don't... I don't know. I don't know.

We should wear suits like that.

Yeah, man.

For real.

Yeah, yeah, those are nice suits, man.

[mid-tempo music plays]

Actually... [sighs]

[TV shuts off]

...we came here for a reason.

Marc's got something to tell you.

Podcast wasn't good?

sh*t. I knew it. Not funny enough, right?

I thought it got too real. People want us to be funny.

Comedians should be funny.

You know, Marc's okay with "not funny".

Okay, so what's up?

Okay.

I-I had a laptop on the table when Doug and Kyle and Stump came over, all right?

And... and when they left...

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hey, Stump?

Come over here and sit down.

[sighs]

Scoot closer.

Please continue.

Okay, so when they left, the computer was, uh... was gone.

Right.

Yeah.

But maybe you can spell it out a bit more.

Really take me through it.

I can.

You know what?

I got this, Dave.

Yeah.

So... so, why don't you tell me what you think really happened?

'Cause I'm not quite getting it.

All right, come on.

Say it.

We all know what... what I'm saying.

Say it out loud.

I don't want to. Y-You... you heard what I just said.

Yeah, you said some black guys came into your shitty, little house and stole your thousand-dollar laptop.

Yeah, yeah, that's... that's what I'm saying.

Let me tell you something, Mr. Podcast Man.

These are my employees, and they work they asses off for me.

So much, they often have to go everywhere I go so we can talk business between the bullshit interviews.

I pay them well for what they do.

They don't have to steal sh*t from anyone because they're grown, responsible men.

Okay, okay, look.

But you think you can just come up in here and accuse them of stealing?

Hey, look, if... if you were white, I would have gone to your g*dd*mn house right after I realized the computer was gone, but because you're all black, I wasn't even gonna come... at all.

But I did.

Because you're black and I'm not r*cist.

Well, I want to thank you for that Rosa Parks sh*t right there.

I'm gonna nominate you for the NAACP Award.

All right, okay.

Let me tell you something else I'm gonna do... since you took the time to come all the way up here to the Hollywood Hills down from your barrio to accuse us of stealing your sh*t, I'm gonna pay you for it.

No, man. It... It's not... necessary.

[sighs]

Pick it up.

No.

Pick it up.

I'm not gonna pick it up.

Why, you too good for my money?

No! God damn it.

I'd pick it up.

You know, or else you look too proud to take money from a black guy.

Listen to your weird friend.

[sighs]

This doesn't feel right.

Certainly not right coming up here accusing my employees of stealing.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna go.

[sighs]

See you later, Kyle.

Nope.

Bye, Marc Maron.

You know, I'm proud of you.

That was an important thing for you to face.

You know, racism is real.

And, uh... you dealt with it.

I got... I got something special for you.

What?! You took it?!

What the... What's the matter with you, man?!

Seriously?!

You were never gonna confront your racism.

It had to be done.

That didn't prove anything.

You just made a d*ck out of me... a r*cist d*ck.

And you... you're a horrible friend.

I-I don't... I... It's...

I don't even think you had good intentions at all.

You're just trying to start sh*t.

Wrong.

Well... maybe.

But you never suspected me, a white guy, and you refused to suspect the black guys, even though they obviously did it.

They didn't do it! You did!

And in my heart, I-I have nothing against black people, but now several of them have something against me.

I don't really like the way you used "them."

Oh, really? Well, who cares, stupid?

Now you know that you should suspect everybody and that you can confront black people.

You're a better person because of it.

You're... you're welcome.

I think you're possibly the worst friend anyone has ever had.

Or the best. It's a fine line.

No, I'm talking about, like, in the history of human friendship.

Yeah, I think me, too.

You know, I deserve, like, half that money.

I'm donating all of this money to the United n*gro College Fund.

Wow. Just classic white guilt.

Oh, is it, stupid? Who cares? Shut up.

No. Stop it.

I don't always know what the right thing is with the... Not so much...

Well, yeah, the right thing to do, righteousness.

I-I'm not sure if I'm r*cist or not sometimes.

But I think about it.

I'm... I'm constantly self-conscious, constantly self-aware, constantly hyper-vigilant and self-centering about what I'm thinking and what's coming out of my mouth.

Nervous is what I am. Nervous.

Nervousness is not an unreasonable reaction to situations that you're uncomfortable in or are new to you or are awkward.

Nervousness is completely the right reaction.

Nervousness doesn't become racism till you start hearing yourself say things like, "Oh, sh*t, there's a lot of them."

Then you're on a slippery slope.

Then it's some... and then it's not just self-aware.

You... you've taken a turn to the dark side.

And see, I'm not... That... that...

See, that's not a r*cist thing.

When I say "dark side," that's not...

See, why would I even think that?

Ridiculous.

♪ She has made my whole life a mess ♪
♪ But still I work day and night for her ♪
♪ So she can always have the very best ♪
♪ Baby, am I a good man? ♪
♪ Am I a good man? ♪
♪ Am I a good man? ♪