Mel: Ryder, you're joining the Navy?
Yep.
Just so I'm clear, the United States Navy?
That's the one. It was Lennox's idea.
Whoa, you can't pin this on me.
No, I told you to put on pants and get out of the house.
Okay, that sounds nothing like, "join the Navy."
You told me to get my old job back.
That doesn't sound like, "join the Navy" either.
Right, but when I went down to the laser tag place to get my old job back, it'd gone out of business and instead, exactly where it used to be was a Navy recruiting center.
I mean, if that's not fate, I don't know what...
You're right, you don't know what.
Ryder, you can't be in the Navy!
You don't think I could handle it?
No!
Don't you remember you were telling me about that time you were in the shower and you were fascinated by the shower head and you were staring at it and forgot to close your mouth and you almost drowned?
You almost drowned in the shower, Ryder!
Yeah, and plus a girl dumps your ass and you join the Navy?
I mean, that's so cliche.
Okay, maybe this whole thing started about a girl, but I got down there and the recruiter started talking to me about goals and direction and doing something with your life.
It's exactly what you guys were talking about.
Listen, Ryder...
What is that, a drug test?
Looks like it's negative.
I'm not pregnant.
My nephew wants to join the Navy.
I don't know what to cry about first.
I'm here for you, baby.
Aw, Aunt Mel.
(Sighs) I'm here for you, too.
Hey, me too.
So, who else is hungry?
(Theme music playing)
- ♪ It's all good ♪
♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ as far as I can see ♪
♪ it's all good ♪
♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me ♪
Well, I didn't see that coming.
Me neither.
Which that are we talking about?
Ryder and the Navy, that's just crazy!
Yes, yes. No, of course that's what I thought you meant.
You thought I meant the non-pregnancy.
You know, it's okay, Joe.
You can say it.
I'm not going to break into a million little pieces.
(Sobs) Oh, Joe!
Oh, honey, come on. Look, it's gonna be okay.
Here.
I know, it's just the stress of months of trying and the disappointment.
I know, I feel it too.
Hey, I did some of my best work.
Maybe we need to see somebody, like a fertility specialist.
No, no, no, honey. What we need to do is just forget about the whole thing.
You mean, no sex?
I would never mean that.
No. No, honey, it'll happen when it happens.
How about this?
We shouldn't even mention the word baby for like the next month.
Okay.
But first, I have to get it out of my system.
Okay.
(Clears throat) Baby, baby, baby baby!
Done.
Baby!
Hmm.
Sorry, there was just one more left in there.
(Clears throat)
Okay, good, good. Now, what you need to do is come up with something to distract you.
You know what I mean, something calming.
Something relaxing.
Well, how about we focus all of our energies on keeping my nephew from joining the Navy.
I mean, that can't happen.
Honey, you say that like joining the Navy's a bad thing.
It is...
For the Navy!
I mean, can you imagine if Ryder tried to do the stuff they do in those Navy commercials, he'd be steering jets into the ocean and capsizing battleships and... (Gasps)
Joe, all those people in San Diego.
I mean, they'll be sitting ducks.
Honey, look, my cousin Nunzio went into the Airforce.
All right, he washed out of basic training after one month.
There is no way Ryder is gonna make it through Navy bootcamp Yeah, but he doesn't know that.
Well, he's about to find out.
Stop!
Quit your snooze and grab your shoes.
Joe, what the hell? It's five A.M.
That's right, recruit.
Welcome to Longo bootcamp.
All right, listen, if you can survive a week with me, maybe you can take what the Navy can dish out.
All right, all right, fine.
Whatever, just... wake me up in ten minutes.
Yeah.
Sure, okay.
Ten minutes works. You know why? Because, um...
The Navy's famous for its snooze button.
Ah!
Man overboard.
Hey.
Hey.
The "Needle Exchange"?
Isn't that the knitting place on high street?
Yeah, my friend Beth has been trying to get me to join her knitting class for years now, so I finally did.
Look what I made.
Very nice.
What is it?
It's a bedspread.
For an elf?
My fingers got tired.
So, why'd you let your friend Beth talk you into knitting now?
Oh, well, Joe suggested I do something to take my mind off the subject we agreed not to mention.
That Joe secretly eats candy bars in the garage?
No, I'm talking about the "B" word.
Babies?
Shh, do not utter the forbidden word.
Whoo!
Hey, hon.
I thought Ryder was with you.
Yeah, we just ran three miles.
Well, actually I ran three miles.
He ran one, crawled one, and um...
He cried one.
So where is he?
Right now? He's down the block puking in the Henderson's bird fountain.
It's been a good day.
Oh, knitting I see.
So... okay, so you found something to keep your mind off of um...
Babies.
Lennox!
I'm sorry, it just came out.
Hey, there he is!
How'd you like that run?
It was refreshing. (Grunts)
Now, come on.
Let's go, I want you to put your swimsuit on, all right?
'Cause we're gonna be heading out into the garage.
And then we're gonna go to the driveway and I'm gonna hose you down while you do some burpees.
Why?
There's no "why" in Longo bootcamp.
Why?
Hey! don't ask me why, recruit! Just do it.
But it's 50 degrees outside.
Is that a little too cold for you?
Okay. 'Cause you know what? If that's the case, you can just ring the chicken and we'll be all done with this whole experiment.
Okay? Really. Go ahead.
Come on, boy.
Hit that quittin' chicken. I know you wanna do it.
Let's go.
No.
I'm not gonna touch the chicken, Joe.
Putting on my swimsuit.
Joe, this is cruel and unusual punishment.
You're k*lling him.
Thank you.
Out of bed or I break your head!
I can't move!
It even hurts to think.
Can we maybe skip today and just do more bootcamp stuff tomorrow.
Yeah, because... the Navy.
I mean, it's not just a job, it's an adventure...
Every other day.
Sounds good to me.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think you're on to something.
'Cause we should only fight our wars on odd-numbered days.
Obviously, we just have to text our enemy, so we know which day's they sleep in on and all that stuff.
On your feet, recruit!
(Groans) I can't!
I don't think I have feet anymore.
It's all right, buddy.
You know what, I'm proud of you for at least trying.
I mean, not a lot of guys are cut out to be in the Navy. You know?
So you washed out on this one, it's okay.
You know what?
You're gonna figure out what you want to do with your life, and I'm gonna be here for you.
Sleep in, have a great rest of your morning.
Washed out?
Who's washed out?
(Groans) Oh, God.
Tell me again how you crushed his spirit.
It relaxes me.
Well, honey, I took him for a little ride on the pain train.
All right? Right now, Ryder can't even stand up.
Thank you, Joe Longo.
You're a good man.
Hey, keeping that kid out of the Navy says that I'm not just a good man, honey.
I'm a good American.
Let's go, Longo!
What's on today's t*rture menu?
You're not quitting?
Nope.
You know, it finally hit me.
You're pushing me so hard because you care, so I'm gonna get through this.
I'm gonna get through this for you, Joe.
Your little plan backfired.
I'm officially un-thanking you.
It's not over yet.
All right, tough guy.
I'll tell you what, here's what we're gonna do; we're gonna go out into the driveway, you're gonna hold these jugs out to your sides like this until I say stop.
Easy.
Yeah?
Say that when they're filled up with water.
Let's go! (Chuckles)
Yeah.
Ow!
Oh, what you got there?
What? What are you... Why aren't you in school?
It's Saturday.
(Scoffs) That's your excuse?
You know, those look amazingly like clothes for one of those cute little things we're not supposed to talk about.
What? No!
That would be crazy to buy clothes like these when I'm not even pregnant.
Oh, wait so you knitted those in your knitting class?
Wow, you're really good.
Yes, I am. (Giggles)
Oh! Teach me.
No, I won't.
Wait, what? Why not?
Because I'm very busy.
Well, please!
But you're so good at this.
Come on, share your knowledge.
(Sighs)
Okay, um... yeah, sure.
I guess I could squeeze in a quick lesson, teach you some basics.
So, these are your knitting needles.
We call them needles.
Yeah, um...
So you want to feel them, you know, like...
Like, relax your wrists, and just... yeah, like this.
Like...
Like this?
Good! Good!
You know, like you're eating pasta.
Ahh!
Uh-huh.
Yeah! Look at you, you're a natural.
All right, that's enough for one day.
Wait, what?
Why don't I get to try it with yarn?
Whoa, slow down speedracer.
Okay, we don't get to yarn for a long time.
Aunt Mel, you have so much yarn right here.
No. No, no, no. No, don't!
Wow! Look at everything you can do.
Mm-hmm.
Oh!
You can even knit...
Leather.
Well, I am the first in my class.
Okay, look, when I got to the knitting class, it was right next door to one of these "B" word stores.
And so, I went inside because, you know...
The clothes are adorable, and because I want a "B" word, dammit!
Why are you hiding all this?
Because... I don't want Joe to know.
You know, we had an agreement and he'll just think I'm crazy.
Aunt Mel, nobody's gonna think that you've gone crazy just because you bought a few baby things to make yourself feel better.
(Toy squeaks)
("Rock-A-Bye-Baby" plays)
How much baby stuff did you buy?
Hey, I don't have a problem, okay?
I can stop whenever I want.
Okay, so we can return all this?
Yes. Well, but not this.
Or this, or this... oh, who am I kidding?
I'm keeping it all!
Joe, isn't Ryder supposed to be on the front porch, holding up those water jugs?
He's not?
Ha ha! He went awol.
I knew I could break him.
I knew he couldn't handle it, honey. I knew it. Listen, I don't want you to take offense to this, but, um... your nephew? He's a little soft.
(Chuckles) Oh, who am I kidding? He's a lot soft.
I tell you, he's like a big bowl full of pudding.
You know? (Chuckles)
I mean, I shouldn't make fun, you know?
Honestly, I mean he's probably curled up somewhere crying right now.
Um, Joe?
Does that look broken to you?
Does what look...
Holy crap.
Okay.
All right, so he's a little stronger than I thought.
But you know what, honey?
Bootcamp is not just about using these muscles, all right?
It's also about using the most important muscle.
His weiner?
No! No, the muscle in here.
His brain.
Do it, Joe.
Break his brain.
Okay, Aunt Mel, I thought you were going to stop buying baby stuff.
Yes, but this was handcrafted by the Amish.
The Amish? And you didn't pick one up for me?
Ha ha ha, look Joe is busy with Ryder, so we have a very short window to get this in to the house and hidden.
Okay, Aunt Mel. Aunt Mel, listen to the words I'm saying: You don't have a baby.
I know.
That's why we have to hide the box.
Come on, give me a hand.
Let's go, pull it. Oh!
Come on, let's do it.
Joe, it's midnight, I'm exhausted.
You've been working me since 5 A.M.
I know, I know.
But don't worry, this is gonna be a piece of cake 'cause all you have to do is turn this into this, an origami crane.
Okay.
1,000 times.
What?
Yep.
All right, and they all have to be identical.
And you have to get it all done by dawn.
That's impossible.
Oh, okay.
Why don't we go tell that to the quittin' chicken?
No.
Good.
Whoa, look at the time, man.
I gotta get to bed.
So the crane test is how the Japanese weed out applicants for their space program.
Folding a thousand of these things on no sleep, requires almost a zen-like concentration.
Oh, I like it.
Ryder can't even fold his t-shirts.
Yeah. So, look I want you to prepare yourself to see a broken man when you go downstairs, okay?
And honey, I'm just warning you now, it's not gonna be pretty.
You're right, Joe. It's not pretty.
It's frickin' beautiful!
Ryder did all this?
Overnight?
On no sleep?
They're...
They're perfect.
Hey.
"Sorry, Joe. There are only 999 cranes.
"I had to sneeze and didn't have a tissue.
"Sincerely, Ryder Scanlon, United States Navy, future."
I can not believe this.
I thought for sure that this would break him.
But it... it looks like he's got the brains, the brawn, and the spirit.
Well, you're just gonna have to come up with something else.
I don't have anything else.
Are you saying...?
Yeah.
He did it.
That magnificent bastard broke me.
He really surprised me, Mel.
I mean, maybe Ryder really does have the right stuff.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
My little nephew is not joining the Navy, okay?
He's still a little boy.
He's the third tallest building in Toledo.
Okay, fine, he's a very large little boy.
But since you failed... failed!
Wait!
Joseph Longo, it is my turn.
Really? What could you do to him that I haven't already tried?
Oh, I'm gonna cry.
I'm gonna cry so hard, he is gonna feel so guilty he is never gonna leave this house again, ever.
Mel, that's like emotional blackmail.
Fine, Joe. Then we'll just let him go off and join the Navy and I'll never be able to enjoy myself for the rest of my life again.
Okay, honey, I'm sorry. Go try it, go ahead.
I'm good, aren't I?
Glad she's on my side.
Most of the time.
(Sobbing)
(Cries) Ryder.
What are you doing?
Yeah, somebody hid this crib in my closet.
Yeah, that might have been me.
Oh, hey. The instructions.
Could have used those.
Uh, listen, Ryder, I just came up here to talk to you about this whole Navy thing.
Oh, yeah, about that...
You know, I was thinking, after I ship out, You guys can use this room as a nursery. you know, when the baby comes.
It's like, the old kid moves out, the new kid moves in.
Circle of life.
Oh, Ryder.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That crying act's not gonna work.
I held water jugs up for five hours and I just spent the whole night folding freaking Japanese astronaut cranes.
Tears are not gonna change my mind.
(Sighs)
I'm not crying to change your mind now.
I'm crying because you've grown into a real man.
You know, you should join the Navy.
And the Navy would be lucky to have you.
You're gonna look so handsome in your Popeye suit.
Scrunch down, I can't reach you.
So, maybe this Navy thing is a great idea.
Ryder's matured.
He's a man now.
He's got the right stuff.
How is that different from what I said earlier?
It's entirely different.
Now I am saying it.
Thanks for clearing that up.
("Rock-A-Bye-Baby" plays)
What is that?
Oh, that's my phone.
That's my phone and nothing more.
Shouldn't you answer it?
Nope.
That's not your phone. No.
That's not your phone, that's coming from somewhere over here near the window...
No!
Wow, honey, I'm so glad you stopped me because now I'm not the least bit curious as to what's in this window seat.
- What?
("Rock-A-Bye-Baby" plays)
Anything you want to tell me?
(Inhales deeply) Yes.
These, um, baby things...
I'm donating them to the poor and I wanted to surprise them.
Anything you want to tell me that's the truth?
Look, there's a perfectly good reason why I bought all this stuff, okay?
I didn't think you'd find out.
Mel...
Look, I know. I know.
I know we agreed to put babies on the backburner, which sounds very dangerous, by the way, but I don't want to.
And I couldn't, you know?
I want to keep thinking about babies, Joe.
That's why I couldn't stop buying all this baby stuff.
I get it.
You do?
Yes, of course I do.
Look, when I lost my job at Scanlon, I kept buying neckties.
I bought a whole bunch of them, like three dozen.
The really nice ones, the silk ones. I don't know why.
I guess I just, you know, wanted to feel like I was still in the game.
Why didn't yell me?
I didn't want you to judge me.
Why would I judge you for buying a bunch of baby toys and smuggling them into the house?
I understand.
Do you want to see my favorite?
Absolutely.
It's a baby business suit.
Oh!
What? With a briefcase and everything?
It's a rattle.
It's a...
(Rattles)
Hey!
Oh, this is gonna be perfect for my kid.
I mean, our kid.
I'm telling you something, honey, he's gonna be a CEO by the time he's 12.
Mmm. Yes, she will.
I can't believe Ryder's actually leaving to join the Navy.
You know, you should have made some of his favorite food to take with him!
I know, except I think the Navy only lets you bring lasagna if you have enough for everybody.
Hey, hey. Come on. Buck up, now.
All right? Look, no guy likes to see crying when he's about to start a new chapter in his life.
All right. Well, this is it, huh?
Anchors away.
Well, I'll drive him to the recruiting station.
That way Aunt Mel won't embarrass America.
No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.
We are all so proud of you, Ryder.
Right Joe?
Absolutely. Absolutely are, man.
Look, we did some great work together and, you know... I think you're ready because... well, I know you're ready.
Because... you know it's... it's the...
(Cries) Goodbye.
Aw, Joe, now you got me all upset.
Hey, listen, I'll see you all in a couple months.
That's right, it better not be a couple of days, buddy.
No, no it won't.
I know it won't.
Yeah.
'Cause I taught you so good.
Okay.
(Lennox and Mel weep)