01x07 - Starring David Ogilvy, Anton Chekhov and Gluten Enteropathy

[bunniefuu]

Thom: Previously on "Happyish"...

Keebler talks about real.

Real ingredients, real chips, real, real, real, and yet these are their spokespeople.

Cartoons.

(snaps fingers)

Thom: Holy sh*t. Midgets?

Do midgets test well?

Top directors.

Ken Burns.

Rob Reiner.

Rob Reiner?

We have an opportunity here to do something that resonates.

Think... think Cassavetes.

Uh, think the Maysle brothers.

How's Fast Eddie?

His fever's coming down.

We're not out of the woods yet, though, but we're close.

Fast Eddie.

You feeling better, son?

Okay, that... that's good.

I love it. I love it. Now let's try it again.

46 f*cking years I gave that company.

Ernie, Ernie, no one's gonna fire you.

You f*cking p*ssy.

You'll be lucky if they don't fire you.

(g*nsh*t)

Thom: It's only for five days.

I'll be back before you know it.

But why?

Because it's my job.

Because, you know, it's... I make commercials, and they make commercials in Los Angeles.

But you were just there.

I know, and I hate going away.

I really do, but it's only for a few days.

Until my friend Gottfrid comes, and he can take over.

But you said Gottfrid was an assh*le.

Okay, you don't use language like that.

You know, I used that word once and I shouldn't have.

Hey, I wonder if they have toy stores in Los Angeles.

Well, can you get me a surprise?

Well, that's if they have toy stores in Los Angeles.

IPad! iPad! iPad! iPad? Hang on, dude.

We... we talked about this.

You're too young to have an iPad all to yourself.

But Fitzgerald has one.

Does that make him any happier?

Uh, yes?

(laughing)

It does, Dad.

Come on, let's go.

Come on.

Okay. I'm gonna get you something, okay?

If they have toy stores there.

Dad.

You know something?

I'm gonna miss you so, so much.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Five days, okay?

Promise?

I promise.

I'll be home soon, buddy.

Okay.

All right. Thank you.

♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, then m*therf*cking show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your m*therf*cking hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! ♪

Thom: You know who the first marketing genius was?

Jesus Christ, chief marketing officer, God Incorporated.

His big campaign for God? "We'll save you."

Great campaign. Went totally viral.

Jesus was so good that we still use his marketing plan today.

We'll save you from death, misery, time.

We'll even save your d*ck.

Jesus Christ himself didn't even claim to save dicks.

We have Mercedes now, God.

We have Porsche convertibles.

We have LA.

In 1963, legendary ad man David Ogilvy published his "Confessions of an Advertising Man."

Three years later in 1966,

"Time" magazine declared that God was dead.

They were wrong, though. He wasn't dead.

He just went out of business.

Did the client approve Rob's changes to wardrobe?

We sent it to 'em this morning.

What changes to the wardrobe?

Rob didn't like JJ's pants.

That's not his call.

We're checking with the client, Mikal. Relax.

Anybody got a copy of the script?

Did the client approve Rob's changes to the dialogue?

We sent it to 'em this morning.

What changes to the dialogue?

Rob didn't like JJ's speech about the cookie factory.

It's not his call.

We're checking with the client, Mikal. Relax.

Does anybody have a copy of the script?

Hey. It's me.

It's, uh, 6:30 a.m., "Beverly Hell" time, which, I guess that means it's 9:30 where you... sh*t, you'll be at school.

I just wanted to say good morning to Jules.

But anyhow, I have my bags, and I'll go straight to the airport after the sh**t.

Call me. Bye.

Hey, thanks for staying.

Wasn't my choice.

Film looks great.

It's not a film. It's a commercial.

Gottfrid's shitty commercial.

And he should have covered it himself.

Well, he's on the last flight out tonight.

He'll be out here while they cut it and you'll be home.

What time's your flight?

7:00 p.m. LAX.

We'll get you there.

Okay.

And, remember, however badly you wanna go, it's not half as much as we want you gone.

(birds giggling)

Hey, you know how much this costs?

Like, a thousand dollars.

Like, $10,000.

Hey, guess what.

What?

Guess who's coming home tomorrow.

Who?

Your dad, you silly.

I know.

Fitzgerald: Hey, you can't play it.

This has a retina display. Did you know that?

It's, like, a million resolutions.

He's been gone a long time, huh?

Fitzgerald: We're a Mac family.

I bet you're not a Mac family.

'Cause we think different.

I bet you don't think different.

Hey, you know what I was thinking?

I was thinking maybe we have a surprise party for him, hmm?

He doesn't get home until the morning, but I thought maybe... maybe we could set up for it after school today?

Right? Make a sign?

Maybe you could blow up some balloons?

You think Dad would like it?

Julius: Okay.

Lee: Okay.

Dude, come here.

I love you.

I love you too, Mom.

Fitzgerald: My dad has one, too. And my mom.

(chatter)

(sighs)

Man: Hey, Mr. Reiner.

Man: Last looks are up.

Hey, Lee, it's me.

Um, where are you?

I've been calling you all morning, and, um... you know, just... well, I'm in hell, so call me.

Man: We're losing light, people.

The client doesn't like JJ's delivery.

I know, that's... I told Reiner.

Debbie: They think he's too miserable.

That's what I just told Reiner.

Go tell him again.

I'm trying not to piss him off.

That was take 15, Thom.

You're the one who has to be out of here by 5:00.

Man: Roll sound. Roll camera.

Ready? And action.

Knock, knock.

Cookie for your thoughts.

JJ: Went to the factory today, Pop.

Cookie Manufacturers International.

You should see the setup they have there... robots, machines.

Gonna put us out of business, Pop. I know it.

And after all your hard work, Pop, it ain't right.

It ain't right, Pop.

Listen to me, JJ.

We have something they can never compete with.

What's that?

Love.

(spitting)

Is this a f*cking cookie?!

f*ck.

I'm gluten intolerant, you sh*t heel!

Man: Cut!

Ernie: How many f*cking times have I told you no actual cookies?!

Man: Props. Where the f*ck is props?

Do you know what wheat does to my f*cking stom... oh.

Oh, God.

(Farting)

Oh, God. I need a toilet.

Oh, God.

I need a f*cking toilet!

(groans)

Man: Stand, people.

(groaning) Wardrobe!

Wardrobe!

f*ck!

Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Brown leather. Aah!

So it can't be fixed?

Well, it's off warranty.

And by the time you send it back and they fix it, it's probably cheaper to just get a new one.

Okay, how much is that gonna cost me?

Do you wanna stay with a BlackBerry?

Are you a BlackBerry person?

Am I a BlackBerry person?

No, I'm not a BlackBerry person.

Because, honestly, for the money, I would go with the iPhone.

We're having a special this week...

Okay. Okay, listen to me.

Are we dating? Have we gone dancing? Gone out to dinner?

No, so don't try to f*ck me.

I know all the games. I know the tricks.

So I'm gonna ask you really nicely.

Do not try to f*ck me.

I will not try that.

Okay, thank you. Sorry, I'm just...

It's stressful.

Yeah, it is.

I know. I go crazy when my phone dies.

Do you wanna look at the iPhone?

No, I don't want an iPhone.

They're very popular.

That's why I don't want one.

Okay, well, let's just see what else we have.

Great.

Okay.

Dour? What does that mean, dour?

It means gloomy, glum, morose.

No, I know what the f*cking word...

He's playing it like it's Shakespeare, Thom.

They want him less down.

Okay, okay, all right.

His father works day and night. He's about to lose his job, so I don't know how happy...

They're elves.

I thought they wanted it more f*cking real!

That was the whole point of this.

Shh.

Let's go talk to the client, then.

Okay, I need... that taxi to the airport needs to be here in two hours.

Okay, okay.

Come and talk to the client.

Two f*cking hours.

Shh!

Thom: Hey. How you doing?

Good to see you again.

Man: Picture's up. Roll sound.

Roll camera.

Okay.

Ready, and...

Whoa. Whoa, sorry.

What? What? What? What?

Cut.

The client thinks that JJ is a bit too dour.

Dour?

Down.

I know what "dour" means.

Yeah. I think they just want him up a bit.

His father is about to be laid off.

I know. I explained that.

He works night and day.

I understand that.

I have Laker tickets tonight.

Okay, I didn't know that.

Yeah. Are you gonna f*ck up my Laker tickets?

No, Rob. No.

No?

I think you should just lift him... just make him be up.

That would solve it.

Yeah? You want him up?

You tell him.

Rob, you're the director.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, the guy is a f*cking assh*le.

You want him up, you tell him.

Tell me what, Reiner?

Uh, you know that last take was great...

Oh, here we go.

No, no, no, no.

I just was thinking that maybe the next time we try it... I don't know.

How do you say it? A little bit more up.

My father's getting laid off.

Yeah, we both actually talked about that, but we... I... well, I think...

No, assh*le, you don't think.

I am a classically-trained actor, okay?

You wanna know where I was last week this time?

Off-Broadway playing Willy Loman, that's where.

So I think I know how to play a f*ckin' layoff scene.

Fair enough.

But we thought if you... instead of playing JJ down,

you're trying to cheer Ernie up.

Who the f*ck is directing this piece of sh*t?

You, pinhead, or that pinhead?

You know what? Don't tell me.

I'm f*ckin' out of here.

I knew it! I knew it!

There goes my f*ckin' Laker game!

Thank you!

All right, take five.

(engine revving)

(brakes squealing)

What the f*ck is this?

Keeping up with the Keeblers, baby.

I love LA.

Both: We love it.

Guys, you've been in LA five days.

You're out of a job. Do you realize that?

Nobody in LA has a job, Thom.

But everybody has great hair and fancy cars.

Besides, we really cleaned up on this deal.

Our agents got us serious cash for using our likenesses, plus residuals, payouts, the whole deal!

And this is what you spend it on?

Materialistic bullshit.

Ma, do you... wait. What are those?

Saline. Under the muscle.

Same doctor who does all the celebrities' boobs.

Hey, check it out, Thom.

Very nice, JJ.

(both grunting)

We got a whole trunk full of 'em.

(laughs)

Is this the way you wanna be raising your kids?

Happy? Yes.

Does Julius have an iPad?

So that's how you measure happiness, yeah?

I mean, you should be teaching them that happiness can't be bought.

We worked in that tree for 40 years, Thom.

This is the American dream... work hard, buy a luxury car, and get some new tits.

Gotta go, Thom.

We're getting spray-tanned before the Lakers game.

Our agents got us court-side seats!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(sighs)

I gotta get the f*ck out of here.

Saleswoman: Let's see what we've got.

We have the silver iPhone 6 with HD retina display, eight mega pixel eyesight camera and charger and you got the Verizon "More Everything" plan with unlimited talk and text on the 4G LTE network, and you also got the LG Tone wireless headset with ambient noise reduction.

Oh, hey, do you wanna look at any of the protective cases we have?

Yes.

You really do wanna protect your investment.

I do.

I really do wanna protect my investment.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Fitzgerald's iPad is so cool.

Julius, you're not getting an iPad.

I know, Mom.

Okay.

We were playing this game where you're the birds, right?

And these pigs stole your eggs.

Wow.

And you use your fingers to launch the birds right on the screen.

Cool.

And there's this other one where you can race the pigs on a go-kart...

Really?

And when you turn the iPad, that's how you steer.

Dude! This is amazing!

Dad is gonna love this.

Should we put it up? All right.

Nicely done.

So Fitzgerald lets you play his iPad?

No, I was watching Ross play.

So he let Ross play?

Uh-huh.

Mm.

Did he let any other kids play?

Most of the kids.

So he let most of the kids play but not you?

He never lets me play.

Well, you know what?

He's a big jerk.

(sighs)

Come here, man.

Look at that.

Look how beautiful that is.

Dad's gonna love it.

Look, let me tell you something.

I love this, and I hate commercials.

I hate my whole life making commercials, but I love this.

And let me tell you why. (clears throat)

I know it's a bullshit cookie commercial, but I think it's more than that, because I believe that Ernie Keebler is Willy Loman.

Oh, please.

Do you think the factory down the road gives a sh*t about him?

This whole campaign is... is... is... uh, is about corporate imperialism.

It's about the ordinary working guy who's just trying to put some food on the table, just trying to feed his kids, but he can't compete with the corporate cartels who will not be satisfied until they have every last penny, and that's why I wrote this.

You wrote this piece of sh*t?

You're damn right I did.

I said to the guys, "No more animated characters.

We need real. I need real.

You know, I need Rob Reiner to direct this and I need the guy that played Trigorin in 'The Seagull' to play JJ."

You saw me in "The Seagull"?

I'm a Chekov fan.

At the Atlantic?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, absolutely.

And I shouldn't say this,

'cause you busted my f*ckin' ass before, but, uh, you were all anybody saw in that play.

(knock at door)

Thom, your car to the airport's here.

Okay.

Attention must be paid, even to an elf.

Let's do this.

Okay. Okay.

Don't say goodbye to Reiner for me.

I won't even say goodbye for me.

Oh, thanks for the Chekov "Seagull" thing. He totally bought it.

You can't go, Thom.

Can't go where?

I'm sorry, Thom. That was Lorna.

Don't start with me, Deb.

It's one wide and a couple of close-ups. Reiner can handle it.

Flight's in two hours. That's plenty of time.

It's not about the flight, Thom. It's Gottfrid.

He's got a dinner tonight at the advertising club and another one tomorrow.

He wants you to cover the edit.

Said he'd be out here first thing next week.

No.

I'm sorry, Thom.

I know you wanna get home to your...

You don't know... what the f*ck do you...

Hey, you guys. I'm gonna split.

You know, I got the Laker tickets.

But you're okay. You got JJ up in the tree.

Uh-huh.

You got a wide sh*t and a couple of close-ups.

Charlie should be able to handle it, okay?

Bye.

We're not done.

Debbie: Thom.

What?

We're not done.

You don't leave until we're done.

But you got just a wide sh*t and some close-ups.

Yeah, Charlie can handle that, Thom.

Get back there and finish the job.

Do you know who you're talking to?

I'm talking to the director of this g*dd*mn commercial, the one that's being paid $30,000 a day.

The one who's gonna get his fat ass back there and finish the f*ckin' job!

f*ck you, Thom.

You don't wanna be here any more than I do.

Thom, what is the failed dream, huh?

What is it? It's a screenplay, a novel?

You go write that, get off my f*ckin' back, and stop acting like this sh*t matters, hmm?

(car door opens, closes)

(engine starts)

Lee: Hey. This day.

Finally.

I've tried you a dozen f*cking times.

Oh, Jesus. People.

Oh, I was at the phone store.

My phone d*ed.

All day?

Your phone's been dead all day?

Where were you? Were you at the studio?

No, I was at the phone store, Thom.

Well, I wasn't at my studio.

I don't have a studio, 'cause all I have is work!

I'm gonna die here alone in a hotel room surrounded by bulimic assholes and f*cking Keebler cookie scripts.

What's wrong with you, Thom? What's... where are you?

I'm at the hotel. I'm at the f*cking hotel.

That's where I am.

Thom.

I'm not coming home.

Is it Gottfrid?

He's sucking some ad d*ck in New York and I've gotta stay here till... till next week.

(footsteps)

Lee: Ugh.

Hey.

Let me talk to Jules.

I'll... I can tell him.

No, no, I'll tell him. I'll tell him.

Okay. It's your daddy.

Hi, Daddy. Are you on the plane?

No, I'm not, buddy.

How come?

I'm so sorry.

I'm still here. They... I can't get home.

I've got to do my job and they won't let me go home right away till I finish, yeah?

But I'm gonna be home next week, and, uh, so, you know, I'll see you then, okay?

I'm... I'm really sorry, buddy.

Jules?

Jules?

(phone clatters)

f*ck!

Hey, it's okay to be angry, buddy.

I'm not angry.

Everybody gets angry.

You know, I bet your dad threw his phone down, too.

(dog whines)

Hey, you know what?

I bet if you close your eyes, pictured your daddy coming home and giving you a big, big hug, it'd make you feel so much better.

Mm-mm.

No? Hmm.

What if you closed your eyes and pictured Gottfrid getting hit by a truck?

(laughs)

Would that make you feel better?

No.

Oh, really?

What if you closed your eyes and pictured Gottfrid opening his office window and falling all the way down?

Splat!

Uh, no.

No?

All the way down! And splat.

Let's go make some brownies.

Come on. Whoa!

All right, then.

Hey, Thom. I'm just stopping by for a pre-game drink.

How'd the sh**t go?

Film looks great.

Director's a piece of sh*t.

Sounds great.

Ernie?

Ernie!

Ernie! Ernie!

Ernie! Ernie.

Ernie.

(groans)

Ernie!

(Groans)

What are you doing? Let go!

I don't want to leave, Thom.

I've never been happier.

But what about Ma?

What about the children, the boys?

Yeah, it's something, isn't it?

Just a bunch of elves.

And here we are in a Rolls.

We made it, Thom.

We made it.

Hey.

Yeah.

Hundred bucks if you let me piss on it.

(Laughs)

Seriously. You'll feel better. I'll feel better.

(scoffs)

Hundred bucks. Right now.

500.

(urinating)

Thom: It's not LA. I know that.

It's us.

We're just looking for some relief.

We're just looking for a new religion.

(choir singing)

And so I enter, head bowed, to the church of America, where the faithful raise up their voices as one in a song of thanks and cheer.

And not a dour face among them, for behold, the iPhone 6 Plus has appeared, and lo, the screen size is much greater than before.

Man: Okay, so that's one iPhone 6 Plus,

128 gigs, mobile package, and from the looks of your last phone, you'll definitely want the additional two years of damage coverage.

And then we have the iPad Mini 3 for your son, and that's 64 gigs with retina display, Wi-Fi and cellular.

Since he's young, I would recommend getting a protector for it.

Uh...

Would you like to get a protector today?

Yes.

I'd like to get a protector today.

Great.

Thom: And let us say, "Amen."

(bell tolling)

♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your han it, ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪