01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Rita. What do you think?

All: Eh. Eh. Eh.

I don't know, Danni. It's not one of your best. Am I wrong?

No, you're not wrong.

It's all right I like it. You look like Dad.

What?!

What's wrong with you?

Why would you say that to her?

No, no, no, no, no.

Thank you so much, Rhonda.

See?

That's exactly what I want to look like... a 70-year-old man who has to smoke through a hole in his neck.

You see why that's not a compliment?

Okay, but aside from the hole, Dad's a very handsome man. You have to...

He has to plug his hole to talk to people!

[All shouting]

Ladies, ladies, ladies, hold on!

Let me just try something here.

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Well, I don't know. I think it's...

A.J.: Perfect.

Woman: Hey, A.J.!

A.J.!

Oh, my god!

Rhonda, Rita, Robin, Rosalee.

You look good, A.J. You look good.

A.J.: You know what? I don't know what kind of beer your mom was drinking when she was pregnant with you, but you Doyle sisters look more beautiful every time I see you.

A.J.!

Knock it off, you charming son of a bitch!

I would sleep with you so hard.

It was Sam Adams.

A.J.: Thought so.

That's great. Hey, Danni, come here.

I got to talk to you.

You're not gonna believe the phone call I just got.

Why do you always have to tell them that they're beautiful?

You just make my job harder.

Listen. I won't do it again. Can we go up to the roof?

I got to tell you something.

Does it affect me?

If you like hearing good things about me.

[Chuckles] Take a Doyle. It'll go faster.

Hey, Rosalee, you mind if A.J. cuts your hair?

[Laughing] Twist my arm!

[Laughter]

Yeah, you're gonna let him twist more than that.

Oh, yeah, right!

♪ It's time to show the world what they've waited for ♪
♪ something like they've never seen before ♪
♪ whoa, we're just getting started ♪
♪ just getting started ♪

I'm telling you, buddy, for the last time.

The Pats are not the same without Welker.

Eh.

Wes Welker made Brady better than he really is.

Oh, you didn't just say that, Tommy.

It's just my opinion, Buzzy.

I think Brady...

You didn't just say that.

You didn't just say to a man with scissors up your nose that Welker made Brady better than he really is?

Maybe this is bothering you so much because you know it's true.

All right, get out of my chair.

What?

Go on. Get out of my chair.

You got a problem. You know that?

Yeah. You're my problem.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, don't be surprised if a certain parking-violations officer tickets your ass.

And that's a big ticket.

Is that a thr*at, Meter Maid? Huh?

Maybe it is, Shampoo Girl.

How'd you like one right on the mouth?

[Scoffs] You just try it.

I'm making veggie lasagna for dinner.

Don't be late.

I won't be. I rented "Magic Mike."

That's right.

Matthew McConaughey in chaps.

All right, all right, all right!

Can I ask you a question?

They're a couple for 42 years.

We call them "Broke Hip Mountain."

No...

Is that A.J. Salerno over there?

Yeah.

Oh. My dad said he was the best pitcher he'd ever seen.

He said, "don't even try and play as good as A.J.,

'cause you throw like a girl."

Your dad sounds like a wonderful man.

[Clears throat] Hey, Joy. Hi.

Hey, Mo. So, what'd you do last night?

Uh, not much.

Uh, played with my Xbox a little bit, uh, baked some cookies, brought some in for you... veryone.

How 'bout you, huh? What'd you do last night?

Oh, well, Bart and I started talking about having kids.

Kids?

Yeah, well, we're Catholic, you know, and Bart wants to start a big family.

He certainly tried all night. [Laughs]

Ah.

In a lot of different ways... and one way that never would have gotten me pregnant.

So, A.J., how come you and Danni don't go out with each other?

Well, we actually sort of did... once.

We slept together on prom night.

Ooh.

Oh, romantic!

Yeah.

His prom date didn't think so.

[Grunts] Boom!

That's right.

It was obviously, like, a one-time thing, so I played it cool.

Oh, yeah. Well, that is easy for you,

'cause you're cool.

[Both chuckle]

He was so freaked out, he didn't speak to me until after graduation.

[Scoffs]

Oh, you know what guys are like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I do because evidently I look like one, right, Rhonda?

Buzzy owned the place, and then he sold it to another guy we went to high school with...

Ben.

Wow, the... the guy that owns this place is your age?

It's not Google, it's a barbershop.

Good morning, ladies and genitals.

All right, so, uh, just had a bad convo with my accountant, Donny.

You remember him, right, from shop class?

Had that "zzt" accident with the bandsaw.

Now's got toes for thumbs.

I never know if I'm supposed to shake or tickle his hand-foot, so I do both, and then he just thinks I'm a perv.

Great story as usual, Mo, great story.

All right, anyway, here's the 911.

Don't you mean 411?

Uh, no, A.J.

If I meant 411, I woulda said 411.

Well, is it an emergency?

No. I'm just giving you information.

You want to chew on that for a second?

You know, why don't you just cut hair and let me do the talking, huh?

All right.

Anyway...

So, the turds down at Blue Cross are jacking up the rates of your health benefits.

Thank you, Obama-Stan.

And Donny, friggin' "elnh-enh-elnh" Donny, says the only way that I can keep my costs down is if I lose an employee.

Wait, are you gonna fire one of us?

Joy, fire one of you? I could never do that.

So you're gonna pay the increase?

No, Danni, now, listen, I said<i> I</i> could never do that.

Someone's definitely got to go.

Yeah, that's for sure. That's for sure.

Um, I'm just gonna let you guys pick him.

O... you know what? Or her.

All right, whatever.

Guess it really was a 911, huh?

That's too soon.

Do you guys think the real reason Ben's taking a hard line with us is be...

No!

Maybe I'm wrong.

You are.

W... what were you gonna say?

That he's broke.

That he has a small penis.

Okay, I believe he's doing this because he thinks it's what's fair.

Really? You think it's fair that he's making us fire Charmaine?

Me? Why me?

What? "Broke Hip Mountain"?

"Two and a Half Ton Men"?

You think I can't hear you?

I... I'm gay, not deaf.

You called me Dr. Dre-dle.

Oh, come on... you're black, you're Jewish... it's just sitting there.

Well, if anybody should go, it should be Danni.

She's pretty. Pretty girls can always get paid.

I can't go anywhere.

Every penny I make goes to food, rent, household essentials, my dad's medical bills.

Guys, I have to vent a little bit, here.

Sometimes, Ben is...

Not that thoughtful. [Chuckles]

I said it. [Chuckles]

You'd feel a lot better if you just said "assh*le."

What are you smiling about?

Nothing. It's just weird that this is coming up,

'cause, uh, the thing, the phone call that I wanted to tell you about earlier, takes care of this problem.

What is it?

I don't really want to say in front of everyone... think I might jinx it, so...

I can't! I'm sorry.

Then don't. Look, maybe what we do is...

God! It really would, though.

It would really take care of this problem, if it happened, and I don't know if it will.

Dude, either tell us or don't.

Enough with the tease.

God, where was this foreplay at prom?

You know what? You're totally right.

I'll stop. Sorry.

Thank you.

Okay, so, we stick together...

You guys, I'm gonna play professional baseball!

Charmaine: What?

Yeah, yeah!

Benny Bloemhof called me this morning.

He wants to meet with me.

Who's that?

Benny Bloemhof is the biggest sports agent in New England.

If he signs me, I'll be pitching in triple-A, at least.

And that takes care of our problem.

A.J., that's awesome.

I get your chair.

Not gonna happen, Whoopi.

What's so good about A.J.'s chair?

Oh, it's the view.

At sunset, you get, like, a sliver of light right between the adult bookstore and the needle exchange across the street.

Ah, right by where that tweaker's yelling at that pervert.

Gosh.

Sometimes, after we close, I like to just sit there and watch the light change.

It's a nice place to be.

Not gonna cry.

Not gonna cry.

All right, anyway, we'll see what happens.

I got a meeting at his office after work.

You got a meeting at whose office after work?

Benny freaking Bloemhof... maybe you've heard of him.

He's only the biggest sports agent in all of New England.

Yeah, Mo. I know who he is. Thanks.

Why's he meeting with you?

Uh, he's a sports agent. I'm a baseball player.

Uh, your little brother's a baseball player.

You were a baseball player.

All right, I'm actually probably better now than I was before I blew out my shoulder.

I'm gonna pitch in the major leagues.

Mm, no, you're not.

You know why you're not?

Because you're a barber, just like your father.

Not only am I gonna play in the major leagues, but I'm gonna be so good, you're gonna have to put my picture up in your office, and it's gonna look down on you every time you go in there and you close the door and you bring down the little shade and do god knows what.

You don't want your picture in there with that.

Charmaine: That's disgusting.

I don't want that.

All right. Well, you know what?

The mouth says one thing, A.J., but the apron and the scissors say something very different.

All right. Shop reopens in 10 minutes.

I need to know who's leaving by the end of the day.

See, <i>that</i> is an assh*le.

Hey, Mo, you know what I'm in the mood for?

Popcorn shrimp. We should go to Legal Seafood.

Mo: Legal Seafood?

You can't even afford the insurance increase.

Mo, Mo, two things, all right?

First of all, you know my ma always pays for dinner.

And second of all... I could afford the increase.

I mean, I'd have to move some things around, but, yeah, I could afford it.

So, why aren't you doin' it?

Why ain't I doin' it?

Why should I spend that money, huh?

What have they ever done for me?

They're your friends.

They're not my friends.

That's a little harsh, Ben.

Harsh? You know what's harsh?

When we were in grammar school, A.J. lived right across the street from me.

Did he ever once come over and ask me to play catch with him?

No, he did not.

I asked you to play catch with me all the time, but you never did.

This is different. This is different. Come on.

Hey, remember when I was going through my hip-hop phase?

Oh, sure... Lil Bitty Ben.

All right, for the last time, Mo, it was just "Lil Ben." That's it. Lil Ben.

Anyway, everyone in middle school knew I wanted to be a rapper.

Did Charmaine ever come and share her instinctive knowledge of rap with me?

No, she did not.

I always wanted you to teach me how to whistle with two fingers, but...

This is different.

This is different. This is way different.

And Danni, all right?

All I wanted was one dance at the prom with her, and she promised me.

I looked all over the gym, and I never found her.

I mean, one dance... would that have been so bad?

So, you know what? No.

I don't owe them anything, all right?

They're not my friends.

The only friend that I have at Buzzy's is you.

I asked you to dance with me at prom, Ben, but you said...

This is different, Mo!

Dinner will be ready in a half hour, Pop!

Hey. What are you doing here?

Hey.

It's raining. You want to let me in?

I got to tell you something.

Why are you all hunched over?

Because it's raining. You want to let me in?

I got to tell you something.

Hey.

Hey.

He signed me.

What are you talking about?

The agent. He signed me. I'm gonna play pro ball.

What? When?

Now. I'm leaving, like, tomorrow.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's a... that's a big deal.

Yeah, that deserves a beer.

Yeah. I'll take, like, a pabst, or a... oh, this is a you drink. I understand.

[Exhales deeply] I... I can't believe you're playing baseball again.

I know.

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

It's just, uh... [inhales deeply]

... you're going, and, uh... you know, we never really talked about...

Talked about what?

We never talked about... how your hair got so big and poofy.

Here, sit down.

Let me give you a little trim.

Oh. All right. And then maybe a haircut?

[Laughing] Oh, my god, that's so funny!

You know who's said that joke?

Every single guy I've ever given a haircut to.

So, what team?

Huh?

What baseball team you playing for?

Oh. Uh... Tampa.

Tampa, huh?

Yeah, that's right, uh, Tampa Bay.

Gimme a second, will you?

Yeah.

Hi.

Yeah, did you hear?

A.J.'s going to Tampa Bay.

[Laughing] I know.

I'm sorry, I'm just calling bullshit.

What are you doing?

You're lying.

I'm not lying.

Why... why do you think I'm lying?

Because you touched your nose.

You always do that when you lie.

Remember the prom?

"That was awesome, Danni.

I'll... call you tomorrow."

I honestly do not remember that, all right? So...

You didn't even sign with that agent, did you?

Uh... What?

You didn't sign with that agent, did you?

Um...

What?

Um, you heard me both times.

All right, no. You want to know the truth?

He wanted my brother, not me.

Oh, Aje...

I'm so sorry.

I'll be fine.

It was an itch.

So... yeah, why did you lie about all this?

I... I mean, you heard that speech I gave on the roof.

I mean, how could I face everyone after that?

And Ben. [Scoffs]

I mean, the idea of Ben looking down on me.

I mean, obviously, he can't physically do it, but the idea.

A.J., what are you doing?

It's not a big deal.

You know, tomorrow, we'll just tell everyone what happened, and then...

No. That's not gonna happen, okay?

But I... I just said that...

Dan, I need you to be my friend, here, okay?

I mean, we are friends, right?

Of course we are. Yeah, we're friends.

Just friends.

Yeah. We're just friends.

Hey, guys. Just here to grab my things.

[Clears throat]

Then I'm gonna hit the road.

Off to Tampa.

Here I go.

Yeah, you know, I'm really gonna miss you guys.

We have a lot of good, uh... so you told them everything, huh?

They got it out of me.

How?

I don't know.

By... listening?

Great. All right. I'm still just a barber.

Nothing wrong with that, young man.

Yeah, I'm glad you're not leaving.

I'm not. Who's gonna quit?

No one.

Ben, get out here!

And you'd better have your pants on!

What do you want?

Ow, what... all right.

You want one of us to leave?

Then be a man and do the f*ring yourself.

Wow. All right. Fine.

You want me to fire someone, I'll fire someone.

But it's not personal. It's just bi'-ness.

Well, for starters, it can't be A.J. or Danni.

They're the best-looking by far.

And everybody knows that eye candy is good for bi'-ness.

True dat.

Can't fire Buzzy because the deal we made when I bought the place was that he gets to keep the name and the job.

Smooth move, girlfriend.

You go, girl.

Mo is my best friend since we're 9, so that's a non-starter.

Not gonna cry, not gonna cry.

Can't fire Joy because someone here would probably k*ll himself if I did.

[Chuckles] Loosen your butthole, Mo.

I'm not gonna say who it is.

So that leaves Charmaine Eskowitz.

Yeah, like I'm f*ring the black Jew at my company.

That way, I can get sued and b*at up.

Not gonna happen.

All right, so let's circle back, because regardless of everything I just said, I know exactly who I'm gonna fire.

I quit.

And that person is A.J.

A.J., you're fired. I'm sorry.

Wait, what? What are you doing?

I'm quitting.

You don't have to do this.

Someone's got to take the b*llet, all right?

And it might as well be me.

Pbbbbth.

[Sighs deeply]

[Sighs]

All right. Decision's made.

And you know what?

I quit, too.

What?

Yeah.

No, no, no, no.

Okay, no one else needs to quit.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Let's just get back to work, all right?

If Danni goes, I go.

Bart's been talking about wanting to move to Ireland anyway, so it could be a good time...

Oh, you don't want to do that. Uh...

Ireland is no place for a Catholic.

All right, you know what we have to do right?

I guess.

Okay, Charmaine quits.

What?!

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. We both quit.

Come on, let me buy you a bottle of breakfast.

Beautiful. Great.

Fine. Quit. Tearjerker. Yeah.

You think you're all irreplaceable? You're not.

Mo and I will run this place ourselves.

Actually, no.

I quit, too.

But... Mo, I... I thought we were friends.

We are.

Friends don't turn their backs on each other, Mo.

I agree.

They're my friends, too, so I'm quitting.

I'm also converting to Catholicism.

Fine. Leave. Bye. All right?

What, you think it's gonna be hard to find six people that I trust, huh, to work at a barbershop, for minimum wage in the worst part of Boston?

It's gonna be so hard! Please come back.

Please come back.

All right, you know what?

I... I'll make it work, all right?

You did the right thing, Ben.

I knew you had it in you.

Mm. And they say the douchebag's heart grew three sizes that day.

♪ Mmmm, hmm-hmm-mmm ♪

Why didn't you just pay the increase when you heard about it, instead of putting us all through this?

[Sighs] Why didn't you dance with me at prom?

[Laughs] Really? That still bothers you?

[Sighs] All right, you want to know where I was?

I was busy screwing...

... up.

I did a lot of screwing up that night.

Well, I guess I screwed up, too.

But I fixed it.

[Sighs]

Ben, do you want to dance with me?

[Scoffs]

Uh, sorry, Danni, too little...

Yeah, I would love to dance with you.

If we could dance...

Buzzy, let me ask you something.

When you and that meter maid are making love...

... which one of you does the driving, and which one of you does the parking?

You're a rude little girl, aren't you?

Honey, we're together 42 years.

Car's up on blocks.

Oh! Robin, Rhonda, Rosalee, come here!

Danni's dancing with Ben!

Aw, that's disgusting.

How come Danni's not dancing with A.J.?

Yeah, where's A.J.?

♪ So wake me up when it's all over ♪
♪ when I'm wiser and I'm older ♪
♪ all this time I was finding myself, and I ♪
♪ didn't know I was lost ♪