01x05 - Season 1, Episode 5

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Doll & Em".Aired: February 2014 to March 2014.*
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"Doll & Em" is about an actress named Em heading to Hollywood, closely followed by best friend Doll as they navigate their friendship once Em hires Doll to be her assistant.
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01x05 - Season 1, Episode 5

Post by bunniefuu »

(Theme music playing)

Your dad adored you, but so does everybody else.

Not sure I quite know who I am now he isn't here.

You always feel that at the end of every film, but there's gonna be another one, then another one, then you're gonna have a lovely holiday, which you really deserve.

But there isn't another one.

For all I know, this could be it, you know?

I'm getting older. I'm not young and pretty anymore.

And I obviously completely ballsed up that audition.

I knew I had. I haven't heard anything back.

You're so silly. Of course you're still pretty.

Guess if neither of us have heard, then maybe they're still deciding.

You are an amazing actress, and you're gonna be an amazing actress when you're 100.

I mean, look at all this free sh*t.

I mean, they've got to think you're somebody to give you all this swag.

Do you think that they'd give you this toweling turban if they didn't think you were really good?

Yes, they definitely would. Everybody gets free sh*t.

Not like this.

I mean, look at this bag. You haven't even opened it. What is this?

Woman: Emily?

Yeah?

They need you in makeup.

Last scene.

I know.

Doll: It's amazing how much stuff you get.

And what is this? What is that?

(Plastic rustling)


Is that to eat?

Oh, my God, I love these. Oh, I've never seen...

That is so cool.

(Gasps)

(Sniffs) "Natura bissé."

Doll?

You can definitely have anything you want, but could I just go through it first?

Of course, yeah. Of course, sorry.

Hey.

Hey.

Man: Good morning.

Morning.


Ahem.

So, how long's it gonna take?

We'll try to get it under three hours.

It's not bad.

(Deep sigh)

It's exciting.

"It's like he has no understanding of anything outside his own..."

His own small-minded... It's like... it's...

"It's like he has no understanding of anything outside his own small... his own small-minded prejudice.

Sorry, I'm rambling.

Sorry, I'm rambling.

It's like he has no understanding of anything outside his..."

(Horn blares)

Sorry.

Doll: So, you remember I told you that Emily was going up for that romantic comedy?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Carla the casting director liked me in the funeral scene.

She asked me to go for the same part.

No.

And...

They've asked me to fly to England for a camera test. I'm not joking.

That's unbelievable. That's incredible news.

I know.

But not Emily?

No.

And I haven't told her yet and I don't...

Tsk. Oh, gosh.

Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry, don't worry.

You can't k*ll yourself worrying about her stuff all the time.

You can't. That's amazing news.

(Both laugh)

I mean... (Stammers)

I don't want to sound rude... inexplicable.

(Laughing)

Makeup artist: I'm using these pieces that were previously made that was based on her grandmother.

God, how old was your granny?

She was 90.

Emily: 90?

Mm-hmm.

I'm only meant to be 63 in this.

Oh, well, we won't paint it to look quite that old.

Is she still alive?

No, she passed away 10 years ago.

Oh.

God, that is so weird. I'm wearing your granny's face.

(Chuckles)

(Danish accent) "What's on your mind?

You haven't touched your wiener brat."

"It's just like he has no understanding of anything outside his small-minded, prejudiced..."

"Outside of his own little prejudiced, small-minded..."

(Groans) Outside of his own little small-minded...

Prejudiced, small-minded.

(Laughs) His own...

Basically it's outtakes of Orson welles doing his champagne commercial clearly having had, like, I don't know, a dozen bottles of champagne...

(Laughs)

...And he can't even get the words out.

It's amazing. They're like, "action, Orson."

And he's like, "argh."


That's great. It cracks me up that producers nowadays, the young guys, haven't even seen "citizen Kane."

Yeah, I've been meaning to see that one, actually.

(Male makeup artist chuckles)

Oh, my God, the horror stories I could tell you.

Jesus, I should write a book.

One client that I had made me buy him a new pair of socks for every day of a five-month sh**t.

When I cleaned out his apartment, I found hundreds of dirty socks underneath his bed.

It was freaky.

Like an animal or an installation or some...

Oh, one client that I had threw me out onto the freeway because he didn't like the smell of my cologne.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, they're like spoiled kids.

Certainly had to feed a few of them.

What?

Yeah, you know, like when they're on the phone, you know, I'm feeding them.

They're talking... It's... whatever.

(Chattering)

Doll: Well, that's nearly raw, isn't it?

That's sort of cooked.

That's so raw.

Is that real food, or is that decoration?

That... I just can't really...

I've had a terrible...

Wow.

Oh, my...

Doesn't she look hot?

You're gonna be a beautiful old lady.

Oh, my goodness.

Doll: Oh, my gosh.

Sweetie.

That's amazing.

God, you look like a sort of candle that's melted.

(Laughs)

I'm just a tiny bit confused.

How old are you supposed to be?

63.

63?

But you look more like 83.

I know, I do look really old, don't I?

'Cause 63, that's only... look at me...

20 years away.

23 years.

Yeah.

Oh, God. I can't open my mouth wide enough.

They gave me this straw to...

(Sucks, coughs)

Oh, sweetheart.

I can't do it.

Baby face, come here.

You got something on your...

Buddy: Wow.

Old age is such a turnoff.

Hi, no... no, I'll pick you up around 5:00.

I'll get him first and then we'll have an early dinner.

Okay? Yeah, no problem.

Give me a second. One second.

Yeah. Ho... no, I just got interrupted by a very sweet old lady.

Uh, no, okay. Hold on a second.

Can I help you?

No, no, no, finish your call.

Okay, no, I'll call you back.

I'm sorry, sorry. Uh, can I help you?

Andy, I'm not a sweet old lady.

It's me. This is... This is makeup.

You look fantastic.

Oh, God.

I didn't recognize you.

My, God, I got the wrong day.

I wish you hadn't come now.

Why? I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Promise never to remember me this way.

I will always remember you this way.

I've had old-age makeup before and they really f*cked up my chin.

You have a lovely chin.

Anyway, I should introduce you to Dolly.

My assistant?

Yes, your potential... she's over there.

Doll? Come over here.

Listen, I haven't told her anything.

She's got a ticket back to London, but she's got this dodgy ex-boyfriend there, she's been working as a waitress...

She's coming.

She's coming? Okay.
Dolly, this is Andy Garcia.

I'm sorry, how are you?

Very nice to meet you.

My old assistant never bowed to me.

Oh, I bowed to him, didn't I?

Dolly, Andy's looking for a new assistant.

That's amazing. Oh, that's... that's great.

Yeah, mine moved to Dallas.

Oh, why did she move to Dallas?

She wants to be a cheerleader.

(Laughs)

Does she?

Andy: No.

Excuse me, Emily, could you come and look at spectacles?

Yes, sure. I'll leave you two to...

Okay.

Fantastic. We'll talk about assisting.

See you in a minute.

She looks great.

God, that was really awkward because Em and I both went for the same role and they've just asked me to go to London for a screen test, but they haven't asked her, so I haven't...

I haven't found the right time to tell her, um, 'cause it's sensitive, obviously.

So, are you an assistant or an actress?

I think I'm the latter, Andy.

Okay.

I mean, on the script it says I should be "ballsy," so I'm just thinking that I should wear, like, just a plain T-shirt and then sort of cords.

'Cause I've got these really nice black thin cords. What do you think?

I haven't read the script, but you look... you look ballsy.

Do I?

Yes.

Well, I've got the script here.

Well-cast.

You wouldn't mind running lines, would you?

You want me to run lines with you?

That would be amazing.

Like if I was your assistant.

Yeah, a bit like.

(Laughs)

Mike: I'm thinking sunglasses for the final scene.

Em: No, I...

These kind of work.

I prefer those to those.

Mike: Those are kind of great.

Shall we try?

Here, take a look.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I keep forgetting. I look so old.

Mike: Do we have that anti-glare stuff?

Absolutely.

I'll spray it on.

Those are kind of great. What do you think?

I don't know. I can't really concentrate.

It's just so... there's something wrong with my chin.

Don't you think it's too big?

No, it looks good.


"So, what's on your mind?

You haven't touched your wiener brat."

Oh, God, sorry, that threw me for a moment.

I thought you were gonna do it with a Danish accent.

A Danish accent?

You want me to pull a Danish accent out of my ass?

No, I just meant... I just...

I'm from the Caribbean.

Oh, yeah, of course.

He's gonna just love you.

They're coming, they're coming.

Can we just talk about something?

Talk about something?

Yes, buy me a ballsy black pair of cords.

Yeah, I can definitely. Yeah.

Andy, can I introduce you to Mike, our director?

Hey, Mike, how are you? Pleasure.

Hey, it's such a pleasure to meet you.

Oh, thank you.

(Em whispering) How's it going?

He's so nice.

Isn't he?

Mike: I'm such a huge fan of your work.

Thank you very much. You have a very beautiful lady here.

You're very lucky.

Andy, I've got to go into makeup.

Okay, babe.

It was so lovely to see you.

Likewise, and my love to everybody.

Thanks for coming. I will, and you, too.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, Andy.

Fingers crossed for the two of you.

Doll: That's great.

Thank you, thank you.

I look forward to talking to you more about all of this.

Andy: Likewise.

That's fine.

You forgot to bow.

Bye.

All right, bye.

You know, it's kind of fortuitous that you're here 'cause the story really is about family legacies.

The roles that we're... We're forced to play.

It's kinda like "the Godfather," but from a female perspective.

Of course, no problem. It's my pleasure.

No, no, really, it's my pleasure.

There you go. Best of luck.

Thank you.

It stops here, Michael.

You're free.

You don't have to run anymore.

Michael: That's what your father said to you.

(Music score playing)


Emily: Is that it?

Man 1: I guess that's it, yeah.

I don't know, it seems like we're going again.

Mike: Could we get everybody out of that tunnel?

Uh-oh, here he is.

Em, would you like to stand up, please?

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Oh, holy moly.

Could we get everyone around here, please?

That is a wrap on Morgan, that is a wrap for Emily, and that is a picture wrap for "Valerie Leigh"!

(All cheering)

It was a struggle with the accent, but I think we got there in the end.

Just... no, but truly, you really... you really did take over.

You left your husband and your kids on the other side of the country and completely submerged yourself in this role, and that...

(Laughs)

That takes a very strong woman.

Oh, God.

You...

Come up here.

She created Valerie Leigh, the beautiful, defiant, deadly valkyrie that we've all come to know and love.

Doll: Well done, Em.

Yay, Emily!

Emily!

Although I do think it may have aged you.

Shut up.

And to the best crew in the world, thank you, guys.

(All cheering)

Thank you! You rock!

Em: Oh, I can't believe it's over!

Bloody... Oh, my God.

Let's Chuck this, shall we?

What is it?

Ooh, a yoga towel. No, I'll have that.

You sure?

Yeah.


What about this? "Good grips travel mug."

Do you want it?

Em: No.

Yeah, I'll definitely have it.

Really?


Yeah.

Okay. Shall I put it in here?

Yeah.

(Phone chiming)

Doll: Hello?

(Doll speaking faintly)

I'm gonna miss this room.

Doll: What?

I'm gonna miss you, Doll.


Do you have to go back to London?

(Footsteps approach)

God, that was the moving company. They lost the order.

They can't come till tomorrow now.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry. You poor love.

Let's change your ticket.


No, I can't.

What?

I can't, I have to go back tonight.

Can you not stay an extra day?


No, you know I can't.

They'll be here in a minute and then we're off.

What's going on?

Why do you have to leave?

You could have a nice night with Buddy.

I'll get you a room at the chateau, if you want.


No, I have to get back.

Why do you have to rush off?

I'm not.

Why did you say no to Andy Garcia?

It wasn't gonna work with Andy Garcia.

Doll, please don't go back to Tom.

He's got his hooks back in you, hasn't he?

No. Buddy's coming in 10 minutes.

I'd just quite like to finish my packing.

You're being so weird.

(Zipper whines)


You're still working for me, you know.

Yep, 10 more minutes.

So, what happens in 10 minutes? Is that it?

They want me to go to London for a screen test for that thing Edgar's doing.

Apparently he really liked my audition.

That's great news.

Is it?

Why are you being so dramatic?

It's just quite a lot to take in.

So you always wanted to be an actress?

That's always been your dream, has it?


Well, I don't know.

But it seems like perhaps you don't want me to have a dream.

What are you talking about?

Why do you think I brought you out here?

Well, to keep you company, sit in your trailer, pick up your knickers.

Don't be ridiculous.

I've always wanted the world for you, Doll.

I've wanted you to find the thing you loved.

Yeah, well, maybe I have now and you can't handle that.

I mean, you say you're my best friend, but is that just as long as you're the fancied one,

the successful one, the pretty, clever one?

You know, it's quite confusing
when you've been friends with someone your whole life and you go to a party and you get put in a separate room.

I mean, what is that, the f*cking feudal system?

You know, should I list the horrors of what it is to be your personal assistant?

Please do.

I try very hard not to be precious about my job.

I don't talk about it to you, but it can be tiring and lonely.

There are an awful lot of people relying on my delivering a good performance, and a day doesn't go by when I'm not freaking out about letting them all down.

Despite what you may think, it's not just gossiping in trailers.

You're embarrassed most of the time and terrified the rest of it, and you haven't helped me with that, Doll.

In fact, you've made this entire sh**t all about you.

You'll be fine, Em. You're a strong woman.

If one more person calls me a "strong woman," I'm gonna scream.

I am not a strong woman!

(Screams) I'm f*cking vulnerable!

No, wait!

If you go now... if you go now, that is it!

You are walking out of my life forever, Doll.

That... that is it. There's no coming back.

What is it that you want? What... Hey, do you want all the free sh*t?

Here! Do you want this?

Take all the free sh*t!

What, is this what you want?

Here, have it!

What about this bag?

Take this bag, if you want it.

It's a f*cking Marc Jacobs bag!

(Sobbing)

(Door closes)

(Door opens)


Hello.

Hello.

How are you?

Oh, my goodness.

Oh.

(Kisses)

(Sighs)

(Instrumental music playing)
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