06x13 - Home Life of a Doctor

[bunniefuu]

Wow. What a long week.

Hey, what are you doing tonight, Dori?

Oyster boil with the gals?

As always. How about you?

Going to your parents' place for your weekly Jewish shabbat dinner?

Ah, as always.

For as long as I could remember, Friday night meant family dinner.

You think your family has issues?

Look up "issues" in the dictionary, and you'll find a picture of the Richies.

But only if you look in my dictionary.

I put it there. (chuckles)

You couldn't get here earlier?

You and your big-city traffic.

I'm sorry, ma. I came as fast as I could.

You're gonna injure your gas-pedal ankle.

And you need new pants.

I can see the outline of your schmeckel.

Hey, Pop. Who's playing?

(chatter over radio)

Whitey Maddox just hit a triple.

Leo here yet?

What do you mean, is Leo here yet?

Of course he's here yet.

Everyone's here yet except you.

Where's Zipporah?

She's not here yet.

Glennie!

My brother -- Leo.

Doctor Leo Richie, if you please.

The kosher apple of Ma's eye.

He can do no wrong, and I can do no right.

Nice pants.

Oddly-shaped schmeckel.

Like a crooked horseradish, it looks.

Leo brought his famous kugel!

You make delicious kugel, Leo.

Oh, like cr*ck that kugel is.

Leo, tell them your news.

Ah, it's nothing.

What nothing?

Glenn's news is nothing.

Your brother published a paper on kidney things in Jewish Doctors Journal.

He'll probably win another Nobel prize.

I never won any Nobel prize, Ma.

Well, you will, and then you might win another.

Hello? I brought 75 onions.

Oh, there must be 50 to 100 in there.

Esther Bluchblatt -- the girl next door.

In Hebrew, the word for "neighbor" is the same as the word for "perfect breasts."

And that word is "Esther Bluchblatt."

Leo! Not in front of your parents.

Uh, Ma, Pop, this is my bride-to-be.

Oh! Leo's marrying Esther from next door!

What?

Esther.

With the boobs.

Mazel tov, Leo.

Esther, I--

Sweetheart.

Because it's a fact. That's why.

And I know facts.

Don't give me "because."

Why would you know about "because"? (groans)

Okay, sorry we are late.

My wife thinks that Itzhak Perlman is a baseball player.

He is!

He's a violinist!

He plays for the Brooklyn Red Sox!

I can google it, if you'd like.

Put away your big-city p*rn machine.

Always with your enormous nose in everyone's business.

(children shouting indistinctly)

Slow down! Slow down! Not on the floor!

Where are they gonna play, on the ceiling?

I don't even know anymore.

Did you start pickling the wine yet?

What can I say?

It's a crazy family, but it's my family.

Hey, Ma. Pass the babka, the farfel, and the hamantaschen.

Oh, boy.

No, only one pop. I'm starving.

You have three there, okay?

The best part of Friday dinner is the food.

Fresh fish from the can.

Dewy loaves of borscht.

Coleslaw piled jelly high with fat.

Cod brisket. Mmm!

Hey, Ma. We having another guest?

Yes, there's a new young rabbi at shul, He tells jokes on the bimah.

He's such a breath of fresh air after that windbag Rabbi Shifrin.

Ugh.

I hate to say it, but I'm glad he d*ed.

(chuckles) To the rabbi's death.

(knock on door)

Is that you, Rabbi? Come in!

"Knock, knock. Who's there? It's me! Me, who? You know me, you're my wife. I know, but my boyfriend wants to know."

Oh!

(laughter)

See? Hysterical.

Sorry I'm early, folks!

I ran all the way here, away from my wife's... brisket.

Rabbi Jewy McJewjew.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Glenn Richie, my old Hebrew-school pal.

I had no idea you'd be here at your own family's shabbat dinner.

And I see that young lady you like is here.

What's her name, again? "Mine"?

She had it changed to "Esther."

And she's my brother's fiancée now, so keep away from her.

Or what?

Or I'll tell your wife to kick you out on your tuchus.

Oh, yeah?

It'd be ironic if she knocked me down, cause she'll never let me knock her up.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohhhh!

By the way, I'm not married. It's just a joke structure.

(children chattering indistinctly)

Okay, come on. Slow it down!

Rabbi, would you lead us in the blessing?

Of course. Baruch atah adonai, et cetera. Who cares? We know what it is.

I'm starving, let's eat.

(laughter)

L'chaim.

Pass the kreplach.

It's right here. I don't like to reach.

You're not gonna reach. It's right here.

That's my scratching hand.

I'm not gonna reach with my scratching hand.

Glenn, how are your weak ankles?

(chuckling) I don't have weak ankles, Ma.

Weak ankles runs in the family.

Nobody runs in the family.

'cause of the weak ankles.

Wait, wait, wait --

It says they're trading Itzhak Perlman to the Dodgers.

Uh, well, he used to be a violinist.

See? He was never a violinist.

You know, it reminds me of the time that I was eating a sandwich, My wife comes in and says she's pregnant.

She says it's not mine. I said, "What, the baby's not mine?"

She says, "No, the sandwich.

"It's my boyfriend's -- the one who got me pregnant."

(laughter)

Again, I don't have a wife.

What exactly reminded you of that?

Glenn, can you pass the Jewish nuts?

Oh, I've got it, honey.

No, she asked me. I got it.

No, she asked me, Jewy!

(all gasp)

(gasps)

Mm.

(door slams)

Well, Glenn, it looks like the only way Esther's gonna screw you is the way my wife screws me -- in the wallet.

(laughter)

Again, no wife.

Good one, Rabbi. My son Glenn is a fool.

I'll drink to that.

Mm-hmm.

L'chaim to Glenn being a fool.

L'chaim.

(sighs)

You really made quite a scene in there, didn't you?

Don't marry Leo. Marry me.

We're the ones who have the spark.

That spark is on Friday nights.

It burns like the sabbath candles, for an hourish, and then you always leave again for the big city.

So come with me.

It's not like that.

I'm not a city girl.

I belong right here, in the Jewish suburbs of Sao Paulo, Brazil.

Which, as we both know, (both) is where we are right now.

But you love me, not Leo.

It's not just about love, Glenn.

Leo is nice.

He's got money, he's ready to commit.

And he's got a bigger pupik.

(chuckling) Bigger?

I mean, if you're measuring north/south, sure.

It's wider... and wider lengthwise. (chuckles)

I waited for you, Glenn!

I can't wait for you any longer!

All I could think about in that moment was... my brother's d*ck.

(sighs)

Looks like she really made a scene out here, didn't she?

Save the holier-than-thou speech for some other time, Leo.

I'm not in the mood.

Nah, Glenn, it's not like that.

Not at all.

In fact, if I told you a huge secret, could I trust you?

Of course. I swear on your thick d*ck.

Okay.

Here goes...

I've been lying to the family.

I don't live in a big, fancy house.

I live in a cr*ck den.

And I don't work in a hospital.

I work in a cr*ck den -- the same cr*ck den that I live in.

Also, I'm not a doctor.

I sell cr*ck.

Also, I'm very, very addicted to cr*ck.

Wow. That's a lot to take in, mostly the stuff regarding the cr*ck.

There's more.

That medical journal Ma was so proud of?

It's actually a pile of cr*ck.

This suit that I'm wearing?

Made of cr*ck.

My kugel that's so good Ma calls it "cr*ck kugel"?

Let me guess -- it's cr*ck?

What? No.

It's noodles, eggs, applesauce, and vanilla extract.

The secret is to get a very high grade of organic vanilla.

Oh.

Which I can't afford, because of the cr*ck.

So you use cr*ck instead.

And noodles. Noodles and cr*ck.

Okay, why the look?

Let's hear it.

What?! No look.

(chuckling) I'm not judging you.

We all have our vices.

I'm addicted to my DVDs of The Commish.

Live and let live, I say.

Oh, Glennie. Thanks!

You always know exactly what to say!

I always know exactly what to say.

(indistinct conversations)

Ma! Pa! Enough!

I just can't anymore!

It's just -- It's too much!

Isn't it?

I just can't... anymore.

I-I can't with the everything.

Not anymore!

I mean, why?

(chuckling) Why, right?

I mean, you.

With that thing.

And then you, you have your thing.

And you -- yes, you!

Right?

(sighs) Us. All of us. Us all.

Right?

You, you, you, you... and even you.

And if I have to do whatever it is that I have to do to do it... (sighs) ...then so be it.

(voice breaking) So be it.

I hadn't planned to lay it all out like that, but sometimes the right words come perfect... out.

(soft music playing)

I hate your guts.

I hate you so much.

I wish you were my son instead of Glenn.

Hey, Glenn, do me a favor.

Think of me tonight when you're watching The Commish.

Yeah? Why's that?

Because I'll be smoking a boatload of cr*ck, which is my "Commish."

(chuckles) Oh, Leo.

Hey.

Hey.

You made quite a scene in there.

Yeah.

No, it's for the best, Glenn.

We would have never lasted.

You're probably right.

Besides, it would have been very difficult to be faithful to you, when I work with a group of female doctors who look like movie stars -- all of whom I've had sex with, multiple times.

I knew you'd figure it out.

Ready to go?

Mr. Richie.

Ms. Bluchblatt.

I'll always love you the most.

What?

Glenn. You were here?

Yeah, I've been here the whole time, Pop.

Glenn, you hear the ball game?

I did not hear the ball game. You had it on very low.

Did we eat already?

We ate.

What'd we have?

Oh, all sorts of things.

Kreplach?

We had some kreplach.

I like kreplach.

Glenn, you're here.

When are we eating?

(chuckling) Oh, when are you gonna die?