02x04 - The Phant

[bunniefuu]

That was interesting.

Yeah, it's bloody chaos here!

Yeah, if I didn't know you were in charge, I'd think no-one was.

Yeah. Listen, I'm sorry about Karen.

I don't normally have to slam them down that hard.

Well, if a little girl insults you so openly...

Thank you!

So where are you off to next, maths?

Take a book.

No. No, they're good as gold over there.

They're...

They're workers.

How many opted for drama GCSE last year?

GCSE drama?

Piece of piss!

Shouldn't be a real subject.

Seven. Seven?

OK, thanks.

Emma, see you for the management meeting at one. Yeah.

I mean, they're proper headcases, though, the seven.

That f*cking little rat, Karen.

You can't talk to the kids like that. Oh, right, you'd let a child call you "a jowly turd", would you? Well, I wouldn't have resorted to cussing her mother. Come on, Emma.

You've seen the woman, she looks like a moth.

And why is he being all mysterious about the GCSE?

Leaving a big pause after seven.

"Seven."

He thinks he's f*cking Poirot! I can't keep covering your arse, Dan.

He doesn't like the arts.

He's made that clear.

You need to add some serious value to your department.

Do you know what that means?

Yes, I know what that means.

It means letting the new head tea bag me.

"Oh, hello, new head, oooh..."

"...Ooh, let's get these all squeaky clean.

"Are you waxing these?

They're very soft."

U-u-um...

I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from. I'm very tired.

Anyway... would you like to go for another drink sometime?

No?

Well, well, well.

No surprise there.

My God, social convention means nothing to you, does it?

No.

What does it mean?

I throw down the paper and say something to draw your attention, so you say...

Hello, Brian. No!

No, you don't say, "Hello, Brian," you ask me what's on my mind.

I didn't realise you were talking to me. You didn't say, "Jo."

You and I are the only ones here.

Shakira's over there.

I wasn't speaking loud enough for Shakira to hear, so I must have been speaking to you.

Oi!

What about Big Dave Bowers?

He's behind me.

I would have turned my head if I was speaking to Big Dave Bowers.

What? Sorry, Dave, I wasn't talking to you.

You said my name.

Jesus Christ!

All right? Special, please, Shakira.

Bob, egg invasion!

Egg invasion?! That's a sharing plate. Do you want a heart att*ck?

Yes, I do, actually. The sweet release of my inevitable coronary will be better than taking children to the theatre.

Oh, my God!

Amazing! The theatre?

That's where they have all those mad horses and that, isn't it?

I don't know, I've never been.

What's on? I don't know.

I just went to the box office and said, "30 tickets for whatever sh*t you've got on."

The Phant.

That'll be in here.

I wouldn't rely on that rag.

Last week's scoop was a story about a farting dentist.

Tabloid rubbish.

I've told you, if you want to get a letter published in the paper, stop writing about untidy roundabouts. It's a bloody eyesore!

Oh, my God, listen to this.

"This re-imagining of the John Merrick story stars an excellent cast and local boy Geoff Doogan!"

Oi!

Geoff Doogan?!

Deadly Doogan. Duffer Doogan.

Two can play that game. Oh...

He's back.

Geoff Doogan from our school?

Nice lad.

What?!

He made my life hell, Brian.

Why do you think I'm all Pip Schofield?

How come you two haven't got grey hair?

It's because Jo and I are six years younger than you.

Because when you were in sixth form, your best friends were two Year 7s.

I've got to go to work.

Geoff Doogan, a proper actor.

I hope he gets to see me do my new job.

What new job?

♪ Whatever I said ♪
♪ Whatever I did, I didn't mean it... ♪

Gary Barlow's got a beard.

I'm Howard.

So has he. I'm Jason.

He's left. I'm Mark.

Uncanny.

Problems, Dan?

Oh, God!

Hello, Dom.

Whalebone.

Look, what do you want, mate?

We meet on Thursdays, my place.

My card.

Yes, with respect, the last time that you helped me, I shat myself in front of my girlfriend and now she lives with another man, so...

The bottom ones are burnt.

I'm not hiding it.

It's not running club, I use a different discipline now.

I think you may find it interesting.

I feel a bit stupid now I'm here.

I sort of came for some advice.

It's Geoff, Dad.

Doogan's back.

And I know you'd be laughing at me, and saying,

"Oooh, you're a chicken," and... probably saying that my penis is tiny.

Tiny like a wine stopper, I know.

But I think you'd also tell me what to do.

Yeah, I just read that, er, The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time.

No joke of a lie, Stan, it's better than that, er the old, um...

Sorry, mate?

..Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

Could you...?

Have you read it? I've seen the film.

Superb adaptation.

You know how much I like Emma, Dad...

Absolutely lovely chat with the chap kneeling down in beige trousers, just above your head to the left.

He's er... Mate, I'm sorry, could you talk to your...?

Uncle.

Could you talk to your uncle quietly and not about me?

Oh, right, I do beg your pardon.

OK.

Have you seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall?

Shut up! Shut up!

Honestly, mate. You are so boring!

So boring!

What am I doing down here?

Here he is.

Ah, Daniel.

Not now, Nesta, please.

Your mother is very worried.

I am. Why?

Have the EU made it illegal to nibble shortbread and obsess about the weather?

Big Dave Bowers told me Geoff Doogan is in town.

And I know how much he made you cry.

What the hell are you doing talking to Big Dave Bowers?

Well, I went to buy some chops.

Hmm, pissy little things they were too, but I'll deal with Bowers later.

The point is, we cannot have you, a grown man, quivering like a cornered shrew because your old bully is back in town. We can't.

How long is she staying?

It's been three months.

Should you not be back at the farm, randomly executing wildlife?

Boy's hysterical.

Leave him to me, Polly.

Right, come here, boy.

What? Come!

Now, Daniel, you throw a bucket of water over a lesbian, she'll be shocked for a moment.

And then an hour later, she'll be back scissoring one of her short-haired friends, and why shouldn't she be?

Do you take my point?

No!

Role play it is, then.

Oh... You'll be Geoff Doogan, I'll be you.

Jesus Christ!

Oh, that's me, is it?

Oh, come on, boy, what is the worst thing he's ever said to you?

Nesta, please.

OK, you want to do this, let's do this.

Oi, Davies, you pissy bag of asthma!

Where you been? Round the back of the sports hall drinking from your own wang?

No, Geoff Doogan.

I am making soup - a hearty food favoured by men!

Take that!

Ow!

OH!

Right, end the bullying!

Hug me, Geoff, I'm the pack leader.

You've...

You've burnt my penis!

Oh, sir, has the elephant escaped or something?

It's not a real elephant, Robin, is it, you bitch?

He's cancelled it, miss.

What?

Apparently he's ill.

What's the matter with you?

Dan?

You're going to make me say it, aren't you?

In front of the children.

All right, I've got a soup burn... down there.

Sir's burnt his d*ck.

Mr Davies, this trip... is happening.

Oh, it was fine for you to cancel a trip to Chatterley Gardens, though, wasn't it?

My mother had d*ed!

Oh, yes, I'm so sorry. Get off!

A trip, eh? Impressive.

Almost a real subject.

Guys, please greet Dan the usual way.

Peace and absolute knowledge, Dan.

These guys are a little further ahead in the process, Dan.

Yeah.

Dom, I'm sorry, I don't think I want to be part of the process.

Well, you should - the process is incredible.

Thank you, Maxwell, you've made great progress since you've been through your regression.

I'm still scared of that tiny man, though.

It will take time.

He chased me for ages.

Maxwell... the floor isn't yours today.

Sorry.

What does he need to face?

I'm all right, actually.

I'm going to go.

The memory of a vile young man who tortured him as a youngster.

Did he say you look like Sloth from The Goonies?

No. You do.

You want to have a look in the mirror, mate.

You've got a nose like a cob loaf!

There's no need for that!

OK, guys, that's not helpful.

Dan, are you willing to enter into this process, go back and, um, face this ghost?

Oh, f*ck it, all right.

When I realised Bruce Willis was actually dead, you could have blown me down with a feather.

All right.

So, can I speak to Geoff now?

Er, yeah, here he comes now.

Geoff, hello. Hello there.

Afternoon, Martin.

Geoff? It's me.

Er, whoa, Mr Doogan has to prepare.

Well, they do though, don't they?

I used to enjoy that Inside The Actors' Studio.

I just need a word, he knows me, I went to school with him.

Did you ever see the Marlon Brando episode of Inside The Actors' Studio?

Look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm trying to write a piece for the local paper.

Oh, journalism.

Hmm. I expect you're always looking for the scoop while trying to not get in over your head, like The Parallax View with Warren Beatty.

Remember it.

Remember it. Remember it.

Remember it. Remember it.

Remember it. Remember it.

Remember it.

Remember it. Remember it.

Remember it. Remember it...

No!

Wargh! Ha-ha!

..Remember it. Remember it...

Thanks for the rope, Davies!

I can't believe you tied him up with his own rope.

You said you wanted to make a massive cat's cradle.

Ha-ha-ha, you twat! Lads, rubber-up.

No...

No!

Like your new earrings, Davies?

Please, Geoff Doogan, let me go.

Take his shorts down, boys.

Not the crab!

Not the crab! Yes, Davies.

Feel the snap of his mighty claw!

Feel it!

No!

Argh! Aaarrgh!

Aaaargh! Aaaaaaargh!

Argh! Stop, men! Stop.

We've pushed him too far.

That is bloody ridiculous!

None of that happened.

Dan, you must deal with your past demons head-on.

I mean, literally none of that happened.

Yes, I was bullied, but he didn't put condoms on my ears and he certainly didn't get a crab to bite my penis. What?!

But we regressed you.

Argh!

Aaargh!

Is that The Proclaimers?

Like I say, none of that happened.

Well, you keep rubbing your penis.

Yes.

My aunt burnt it with some soup.

Excuse me.

Oh, I've just thought, it might've been a child chasing me.

Silence, Maxwell!

Well, how about Michael Jackson?

Not a problem.

There you are.

I've been sitting in the cafe for half an hour.

Sorry, I was just... watching Jo.

She's bulletproof, you know.

Why can't I shake off the memory of Doogan?

You've got to let it go, Dan.

I doubt if Geoff even remembers you.

He certainly doesn't remember me.

Invisible Ames strikes again.

What makes you think he doesn't remember you?

I just thought if I had an exclusive interview with the star of The Phant, I'd...

Get into the Herald?!

You bastard!

For God's sake, it was 30 years ago.

Do the foot thing again.

Yee-hee. Whoo!

You know how I feel about Geoff.

After everything he did.

I will not be ignored, not any more.

Not by you, not by those idiots at the Herald.

Christ, it's bad enough at home!

Uh. Mm. Whoo.

What are you doing?!

I've burnt my penis.

As if you care.

Traitor! Me?!

OK, what's my middle name?

What?

You've known me for 30 years, what's my middle name?

Hmm.

Any donations?

Bit of a bummer, only got three Mentos.

How do you deal with it, mate?

Deal with what?

When people are unkind?

I dunno.

Luckily, no-one ever has been.

Jo, those boys were...

What?

Nothing.

If you're worried about bullies, you should get a personal alarm.

Mad Nobby sold me one.

That's not a personal alarm.

Well, I've never been att*cked.

Good.

I'm so excited.

This play's brilliant.

This is the foyer!

Oh, bloody hell, Dennis, have you got enough sweets?

No!

We're supposed to be keeping a low profile.

You know what he's like. If he eats that many E numbers, he'll go chimp.

Sir, can I give the elephant some popcorn?

I have tried to tell you, there is no elephant.

If you ask me again, you and I have got a problem.

Look at me, Robin!

Where's Brian?

He's not coming.

We've had a row, and I'm glad.

Don't be mental.

This is perfect for Brian.

Give me the ticket, I'll leave it in the box office.

I'm afraid he still doesn't remember you, sir.

Well, it'll be the moustache.

Didn't you have that at school?

Of course not!

Some kids do.

I had a friend who was very keen on the work of that, er, Tom Selleck.

God, you're tedious!

Ladies and gentlemen, The Phant will start in one minute.

One minute.

Look how close we are to the front.

Sir, I feel really angry!

Sir, is that the elephant? Shh!

London, 1864.

My name is John... Merrick.

Hello, I'm Jo!

So sad. Geoff is brilliant.

I'll tell you what's sad, you don't know how the theatre works.

Oh, I'm going to have to go to the toilet.

My d*ck scorch is k*lling me.

Get some booze in.

Miss, can I buy the elephant some Skittles?

Robin, elephants don't eat Skittles, silly.

I'll nip to the garage in a minute and get some peanuts.

They love peanuts.

I'm back!

Who are you?

It's me, from before.

I'm the one doing the Herald piece for Geoff Doogan.

Why have you shaved your moustache off?

To grease the wheels of recognition.

Could you get him?

It's the interval now, sir.

Mr Doogan is relaxing.

Get him!

Raising your voice isn't going to help you, is it, sir?

The pages of history are littered with shouters, all...

Ha! My friend's got me a ticket at the box office.

Let's see if I can get to Geoff Doogan that way, shall we, you... twit?

Ooh... It's puffed-up like a papaya fruit down there.

Theatre's wicked.

You get free cocktails.

I got you a Margaret Powell.

And I've got a Mr D Stewart.

Tastes like wine.

Jo, these are people's pre-ordered interval drinks.

It's mental at the theatre.

Ladies and gentlemen, the second half of The Phant will commence in two minutes.

I'll see you inside.

I've got to do something.

Jo. Jo!

Well, it says I'll recognise Brian Ames, because he has a distinctive moustache.

Yes. I've just been home and shaved it off.

Why?

How about you keep your... big nose out of my business and give me the ticket!

Keep my what out?!

Sir, can I have my sweets back?

No. Give me that can.

Where the hell is she?

Jo!

Thank God, they won't let me in.

Get back!

Jo, it's me.

Step away, please.

I can barely bring myself to look upon the truth these days.

Why's he called The Elephant Man?

He looks like a melted cake!

Phant, do you want some hot chocolate?

Ho! Ho-hot!!

That's it!

I didn't train for ten years to play in front of you little council house scum!

Relax, Phant.

I've got your favourite.

Nuts.

And you! Why are you calling out, you f*cking village idiot?!

Geoff Doogan!

No!

Please! You don't have a moustache, now do you?

I've shown you ID. I'm Brian Ames, there's only one Brian...

Irving, it's a C52!

Aaargh!

Brian!

It's Peter!

What?

Your middle name. It's Peter.

Geoff?

Geoff, I thought YOU played The Phant.

Clive.

I'm Brian Clive Ames.