01x05 - The Usual Suspects

Episode transcripts for the 2015 UK TV show "SunTrap". Aired: May 2015 to present.
"SunTrap" is a crime-comedy featuring a couple of former British journalists-turned-detectives trying to solve mysteries and stay out of trouble at the same time on a Spanish island.
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01x05 - The Usual Suspects

Post by bunniefuu »

Oh. Ah! Yum, yum.

Please, Lorenza, no more.

Water... I need water.

Brandy... I need brandy.

Where am I?

1974, by the looks of you.


Ah, stop shouting!

Stop shouting.

Stop shouting!

Stop shouting!

(Mug clinks)


That's better. Do you know what this is like?

This is like that film where a bunch of people wake up in a cell and have absolutely no idea what's going on.

Saw. I never saw Saw. Did you see Saw?

They should show it in that cinema on the beach.

I'd love to see Saw on the seashore.

Shut up, Woody!


Look at you, you look ridiculous!

Yeah, I look ridiculous(!)

That's what I said.

Good party?

I've absolutely no idea.

Sounds like a great party.

Oh, someone's coming. Thank God.

This'll be Donald, come to bail me out. See you later, losers.

Send me a postcard from D Wing.


Hello, Boss - and Miss Melody.

Mr Hasselhoff, I am a big fan.

Good boy, Zoza, come to bail me out. See you later, losers.

Send me a postcard from what Melody said.

- In you go.

What's going on?

It would seem that, like you guys, I have been detained on suspicion on the m*rder of Elton John.

Oh. Typical.

♪ I could be wilder than the wind ♪
♪ 190mph ♪
♪ I'm in a whole other dimension Dancing doubles on the floor ♪
♪ You think I'm crazy A little bit hazy ♪
♪ But I'm stone-cold ♪
♪ I could be wilder than the wind ♪
♪ 190mph ♪
♪ I'm in a whole other dimension Dancing doubles on the floor ♪
♪ You think I'm crazy A little bit hazy ♪
♪ But I'm stone-cold. ♪



Of Elton John?

No, not Elton John.

Elton Juan, the Spanish Elton John from the party at Senor Big's house.

I got nothing. I had Lorenza's punch.

You don't remember the m*rder?

It was good punch.

You too?

Afraid so. Even my clothes hurt. What about you?

My body's a temple - with a bladder that disagrees with strong alcohol.

Hang on, I don't remember you at the party.

You don't remember anything.

Good point.

What's this costume? The invitation said "1970s".

Baywatch ran from 1989 to 2001.

Hang on, you weren't at the party, were you?

All right, Judge Judy. I didn't get an invite.

Must have been an oversight.

Well, if you didn't get an invite, why are you dressed like that?

Like what?

Like that.





No reason.

- You, you're free to go, but this is the last time, OK?

- Do not let me catch you impersonating a life guard on the beach ever again.

I promise, officer, this is the last time you'll catch me.

Woody, we've been arrested for m*rder!

You've got to clear our names.

Trust me, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's clearing my friends' names of the m*rder of pretend pop stars - that's if there's one thing I'm good at - and, trust me, if there is...

Get on with it.

I'm going.

I remember what happen.

I'm staying.

You, out.

The first interesting thing Zorro has ever said and you want me to leave? Have a heart.


You, you have a visitor.


I miss you so much - your laugh, your touch, the smell of your hair.

You look thin. Are they feeding you?

Little Zorro Junior cries himself to sleep every night.

OK, this is what Brutus says about wanting to strangle you.

The bed seems so big without you.

What would you like to know about the party, Woody?

I thought you'd never ask. Let's start with everything.

'The record producer, Mr Senor Big, was hosting a party at his mansion for the launch of his new singing sensation, Elton Juan. Mr Senor Big was telling everyone who would listen that Elton Juan was going to be a big star.'

Music: 20th Century Boy by T Rex

'It was the party to be at. Everyone was there - Brutus... Melody and Donald... and me and Lorenza, the caterers.'

Hang on, you're a suspect. How did you k*ll him?

Serve him some of your Cuban street food?

You don't joke about Cuba, OK?

That is off limits, man.

Hey, tantrum over. So, why are you a suspect?

Elton Juan was a monster.

His single hadn't even been released yet and already, his ego was completely out of control.

Music: Gonna Make You A Star by David Essex

'The man was a pig to everyone. And then, he turned on me.'

You, boy!

Get me pineapple daiquiri, squirt of tonic, four cherries, hold the pineapple, dash of soda, don't hold the pineapple, celery on the side in a straight glass with two and a half straws.

Hold the pineapple.


I said five cherries, imbecile!


What's happened here?

I want him fired, now!

What you say to Senor Juan?


How dare you not speak to Senor Big's client like this?

You are fired. Go. You go, go.

'And then I say some things I'm not completely proud of.'

Hey, no offence, OK, but why don't the two of you go and...?

I'm proud of you.

An hour later, Elton Juan was pushed from the balcony onto his head and they think I was humiliated and wanted revenge.

And did you?

Over a pineapple daiquiri, squirt of tonic, four cherries, hold the pineapple, dash of soda, don't hold the pineapple, celery on the side, straight glass with two and a half straws? Pfft, of course not.

It sounds like I need to pay a visit to Senor Big.

Before I go, have you got a message for little Zorro Junior?

Yes. Tell him he doesn't exist.

That's going to break his little imaginary heart.

Music: The Ghost by The Bamboos

'When it comes to crime, if you've seen what I've seen, then you'll know you haven't seen anything until you've seen the crime scene. It's always the scene to be seen at. It was time to see what I could see at the scene - the crime scene.'

Can Senor Big help you?

(Danish accent): I'm hoping he can, yes.

Olaf Sigurdsson, CSI Denmark.

I have a few questions I need to ask you.

The first question - do you mind closing your kimono?

Do you mind telling me why the Danish police are interested in a m*rder of a Spanish singer?

Police exchange programme.

Detective Diego is currently over in Copenhagen, investigating a bridge.

Are you any closer to finding out who k*lled Senor Big's act?

Closer, no. Further away, yes.

Looks like you put on quite a party.

It was Elton Juan's night.

He was going to be a big star.

He was going to make us both a lot of money.

Oh! It drives me so mad that somebody could do this!

I can see your nuts.

You bet I am. I am furious.

You put on quite a spread.

Champagne, the cocktails, canapes... and I can see your nuts.

Only the best, dry roasted.

I can see that from here.

So tell me, what happen at the party?

The champagne was flowing.

Everybody wanted a part of Elton.

We reveal the title of the debut single. Everyone love it.


Oh, wow!

(Cheering and applause)

Music: Feel Too Good by The Move

'The whole party loved Elton Juan. Well, all except one loco. Elton had a fight with some idiot who came dressed as a Elton Juan tribute act. Elton Juan was deeply insulted. In fact, it was broken up. Elton, he went up to the balcony to calm down...'

.. and that was the very last I saw of him before... before he...

Was pushed off a balcony onto his head.


It was such a shame.

I had big plans for him.

He was meant to be exclusively performing Sandal in the Wind tomorrow at my event.

It's a big showcase.

A clever title.

Thank you.

Senor Big thought of that myself - and now the whole event is ruined, because Elton Juan... Was pushed off the balcony onto his head.

I had a little chat with Senor Big.

Apparently, last night, some idiot dressed as Elton John was throwing punches.

Hang on, that was no idiot. That was me.

Why did you go to a party thrown by a man dressed as Elton John, dressed as Elton John?

The invitation was confusing.

I lost my glasses and all I could see was the words "dressing up" and "Elton John".

He thought you were taking the mick.

He was being a right diva. Should have seen him, Woodster.

Strode round the place like he owned it.

'Nothing was right - the flowers, the canapes, the drinks.

'He had a right strop at Zorro.'


Music: Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas

'Next thing I know, I'm going toe-to-toe with the island's number one Elton John impersonator. He had the weight advantage and I was hampered with the specs. Before I could finish it, the fight was stopped. We was pulled apart by Frederico Mercury.'

Frederico Mercury as in...?

The island's number one Freddie Mercury impersonator.

Of course. So what happened after the fight?

Did you leave the party?

I should have, but I went back for one more punch.

You punched him over the balcony?

No, the drink, you plum!

Listen, Woody, who's looking after the bar?

Lorenza. I popped by earlier. It all seemed pretty quiet.

(Cheering edm music plays)

You have got f*re insurance, right?

'Brutus was still a little fuzzy on the events of the party,

'so I decided to sharpen things up with a trip to Frederico Mercury -

'make him an offer he couldn't refuse.'

(American accent): The man, the legend, the one, the original Mr Frederico Mercury!

(Imitates applause)


Now what, when and who?

Who is you and when is now and why is let me tell you why.


Hey, Blondie, you're witness to this. We're about to make history.


Right here is where we're going to take this man out of San Prini bar and make him a star.

I have left already.

I told the boss this morning, I got a better deal.

Hold on. I love what you're saying, but I got to take this.

Speak. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh...

You want to get a drink out of work, maybe a bite to eat?

I've got a boyfriend.

Whoa, no-one's talking to you, honey. I'm on a call here.

Some people! Uh-huh...

Well, you can tell Celine Dion she fired!

It's over! She d*ad to me. d*ad! OK, ciao.

You represent the real Celine Dion?

Not any more. She history. I'm looking for new blood.

How would you like to be the richest Freddie Mercury impersonator on the island?

Well, there are only three of us, so...

Yeah, three still seem like a lot.

Listen, Mr...

No! Stop speaking. Sign with me.

I can make you a sort of star.

I'm sorry, but I cannot.

I have just signed an exclusive contract with Senor Big.

Finally, I will get to show people who I really am.

I get it. You want to break free.


You got vision. One Vision.

It's what separates people like you and Elton Juan from the crowd, may he rest in peace.

Ah. You heard.

Almost before his head h*t the patio. You were at the party?

I... popped in.

You must be devastated.

Well, it's always very sad when someone... Gets pushed off a balcony onto his head?

Of course, in your case it seemed to have worked out pretty well, filling his shoes.

Ah, I had nothing to do with it.

If you ask me, they have already arrested the person who did it.

The other Elton?


That Ziggy Stardust woman from the party with the ziggy-zaggy -



Si. I heard her arguing with Elton just before, you know... He was pushed off a balcony onto his head?


Sorry, I think there's been some mistake.

I didn't want to speak to you.

What are you talking about? You always want to speak to me.

No. I wanted to speak to Christina.


Your lightning bolt's blushing.

What do you know?

I know a lot more or a lot less than you think I do.

Oh, God. It's coming back to me now. He recognised me.

So, the fake Elton recognised the fake Melody.

There's no fake Melody.

I was called Christina for a little while, but I'm Melody.

This is me.

Yeah, thanks Ziggy.

Look, as your attorney, I advise you to tell me everything - and wear more silver. It really brings out your eyes.

You're not my attorney.

No, you're right.

Should I give Don a call and get your attorney down here?

(She sighs)

All right. Here's what happened.
Music: Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin

'We were at the party because Donald had some business dealings with Senor Big. As soon as we got there, Donald started talking numbers with Big.'




No, you loco. Come.

'It was a pretty lame party, until I bumped into Brutus. Then it all gets a little bit hazy.'

The punch.

The punch.

'Whatever it is, it's very moreish, so I went to get some more. And then, that's when he recognised me.'



Hang on, who's Javier?

"Javier" is Elton Juan's real name.

Before he was a singer, Javier was a gardener for my last husband.

Oh, you never mentioned your last husband had a gardener - or that you had a last husband.

Sorry, have we met? My name's Woody, or is it?

Yes, it is.


When I was Christina, for a bit, I might have been married to an ageing Spanish criminal overlord on the north of the island.

Oh, one of those ageing Spanish criminal overlord types(!)

What happened?

He d*ed in mysterious circumstances. I don't know.

You k*lled him for his money.

For your information, I didn't get anything in his will.

That must have been annoying, after going to all the effort of k*lling him for his money.

I didn't k*ll him! How long have we known each other?

About five weeks.

Oh, yeah. Feels much longer.

I have that effect.

Look, I haven't m*rder anyone. I have nothing to hide.

Which is why you told Donald all about your criminal overlord ex when you met him.

No, of course not.

But Elton Juan was about to.

Ah, yes, the party.


Javier? No, I'm not Christina. You got the wrong person.

(Elton juan laughs)

Good guess on my name then, Not Christina(!)

So, what name are you lying under these days, hmm?

Don't know what you're talking about.


Melody! Melody!






I'm Susan.

Or Melody.


I'm coming, my love.

Yes, let's go and have a chat, no?

You dare...

I swear, you come anywhere near us, I will k*ll you.

Yeah, I probably wouldn't mention that last bit to anyone else.

What happened next?

The punch.

So you have no idea?

Well, I know I didn't do it.

But what if Elton did get to Donald?

Well, that would explain why he hasn't sent bail.

Woody, you've got to find out what Donald knows.

Oh, God, Donald's going to be furious.

I'm furious.

You're furious, I can tell. Are you wearing eyeliner?

It's left over from the party. Make-up's really hard to get off.

I don't know how women do it.

Little tip - baby wipes, waste of time.

Always go for a Vaseline-based product.

Thanks, that's really helpful. What kind of...

What do you want?

I've been sent here to talk about the party.

There may have been a misunderstanding.

I don't want to talk about it - and I certainly don't want to talk about it with you.

I'm furious, don't get me started.

I won't get you started.

You've got me started now!

You don't know how much money I invested in that man.

Man? Yes, man. Which man?

Senor Bankrupt, all mouth and no money.

Turns out he's not as flush as he makes out.

Left me to pay for the launch, everything.

Then my investment takes a nosedive off the balcony and my charity's got nothing to show for it.

Must be an odd experience, losing your own money.



Well, stop bothering me if you've got nothing to say.

You want to talk about nothing, have a chat with Melody.

She's the expert on that.

Yes. Out of interest, where is Melody?

Bathroom, I expect. She's always in the bathroom.


Hours locked in there, doing her make-up.


Speaking of which, you got any advice for these?

'Teflon Don was still in the dark about Melody,

'who was still in jail for m*rder,

'which I still wasn't sure she didn't do.

'I had to make sure.'

You cannot see her.

Oh, yes, I can.

I know my rights and I know that I'm well within my rights to ask...

What are my rights again?

She's been charged with morder.

Well, that's brought the mood down.

Why has she been charged with "morder"?

A witness has come forward to say that they saw her push the victim off the balcony.


I cannot tell you.

Oh, no, don't worry, you can. I checked.

Mime. Good idea. OK, let's start with the first name.

How many syllables?

Sargento Juan?

OK, OK. Can I see Brutus instead?

We let your other friends go.

What? Into the wild?

They'll never survive.


Happy days.

No better feeling than getting out of chokey...

Not that I've been in chokey before, of course.

Cheers, everyone.

All: Cheers!

Oi! That's my booze.

Sorry, Brutus, we need to get Melody out.

No need to thank me, Brutus' liver.

You mean Melody the m*rder, that Melody?

I don't know what it is, but I'm pretty sure she's probably innocent.

Mmm. You sound convinced(!)

B, I need you to remember what happened.

I've got nothing, mate. Lorenza's punch.



(Lorenza croaks)

Lorenza says she has an antidote to the punch.

It helps you remember.

Here goes.


Nothing. Sorry.

I think maybe my body's just too...


I arrived at precisely 9.36.

Oops Upside Your Head was playing as we walked round the pool.

The capital of Papua New Guinea is Port Moresby.

This stuff's good. The fight, B, concentrate on the fight.

The fight started after I intervened between Elton Juan and Frederico Mercury.

Juan was mocking Mercury, because Senor Big had given Juan the contract.


When I was four, I met Henry Cooper at a school fete.

All right, you can stop now. I knew it wasn't Melody.

He was wearing a mustard yellow cravat.


My guess is, Frederico Mercury overheard Melody's conversation with Elton and he immediately knew he had someone to pin it on.

We've just got to track him down.

Yes, we do.

If only he was headlining a heavily-advertised showcase music event this afternoon.

Music: Cissy Strut by The Meters Senor Big is very proud to announce the headline act for this big showcase.

Now, as I'm sure you probably heard already, Senor Big is very sorry to announce that recently, I have lost one of the star acts... Elton Juan.

He die last night, when he was pushed from a balcony and landed upon his head, so I ask you now in his honour of Elton Juan, you please give me one minute's silencio.

OK, that's about one minute, it is over.

Now, will you please welcome here today with his new h*t single, Frederico Mercury and listen, bang-a-de-bang-bang, bang-bang-bang, huh?

You'll buy the record, eh?

So now, big applause for Frederico Mercury!

(Cheering and applause)


All: Hooray!


All: Hooray!

This is my new single, Ready Freddie.

♪ I'm ready to be Freddie ♪
♪ Not Eddie or Teddie or Betty ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm ready and steady ♪
♪ But mainly ready to be Freddie ♪
♪ Are you ready, Freddie? ♪


♪ Are you ready, Freddie? ♪


♪ Are you ready, Freddie?


♪ Are you ready, Freddie? ♪


♪ Hey-oh ♪
♪ Hey-oh... ♪

There he is. Brutus, Zorro, you take the right-hand side.

Lorenza and I will take the left.

As soon as he comes off stage, we intercept. Let's go!

♪ Are you ready? ♪
♪ Yes, I'm ready ♪
♪ Are you ready? ♪
♪ To be free ♪
♪ Are you ready? ♪
♪ Oh, yes, I'm ready. ♪
♪ Are you ready? ♪
♪ Yes, I am ready ♪
♪ Are you ready? ♪
♪ To be free. ♪

(Cheering and applause)

(Spanish accent)
: Hey, hey, hey, girls and ladies, make some noise.

Frederico Mercury.


Say goodbye, Freddie.

What are you doing?

We need to talk about Elton Juan. M-m-make some noise!


Oh, no!

Crowd: ♪ Oh, no. ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪

Crowd: ♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ Oh-h-h-h no ♪

Crowd: ♪ Oh-h-h-h no ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪

Crowd: ♪ Oh, no. ♪

You've got the wrong guy.

Why would I push Elton Juan off a balcony onto his head?

Cos I saw how he treated you.

You think I k*lled him because I was jealous?

Of that two bit copycat lookie-likey?

(He scoffs)

He's lying through his teeth.

Good one, Zorro.

- What?

If you're not the k*ller Queen, who is?

I cannot tell you, for the sake of my career.

Well, I wouldn't worry about that.

Gracias, amigo.

Good luck with your next release.

It's going to be in 15 years, with good behaviour.

No! I did not push him.

It was Senor Big.

He pushed him over. I saw the whole thing.

'Senor Big, he took Elton Juan upstairs to cool him off after the big fight. But Elton, he went crazy. He had a huge tantrum. He was out of control, accusing Big of being small time, that he was going to leave him for a better manager. Big was telling him that he had sunk everything into Elton Juan and if he left him, it would ruin Big.'

Senor Big: (tuts) Oh.

Music: O Fortuna by Carl Orff So, you see, you have the wrong man.

I am innocent.

Of m*rder, maybe.

But what about blackmail to get a record contract, falsifying witness statements to the police and worst of all, framing a pretty lady?

Well, that's not fair, man.

This was meant to be my time in the sun.

I think you've had enough time in the sun.

Right, all we need to do now is get our hands on...

Senor Big...

Music: On The Sly by The Bamboos

(He cackles)

He's at it again.

Music: Mr Big Stuff by Jean Knight Happy days.

No better feeling than getting out of chokey...

Not that I've been in chokey before.

Yeah, you said.

Thanks for getting me out, guys.

If there's anything I can do - not that, Woody - just let me know.

Well, how about you come and help me pick up litter on the beach?

Why would I want to do that? Why would you want to do that?

It's community service, for impersonating a lifeguard, again.

The police say they've found the speedboat, but no Senor Big.

Disappeared under mysterious circumstances, but I guess that happens sometimes, doesn't it, Christina, Melody, Jeff... What's your name again?

You know the tragedy in all of this?

We never got to hear Sandal In The Wind.

Never say never.

I picked up a copy when I was over at Senor Big's.

You are a star.


Music: Sandal In The Wind by Elton Juan You dancing?

You asking?

I'm asking.


♪ Well, goodbye to my love ♪
♪ You came from up above ♪
♪ On a British Airways plane ♪
♪ From Luton via Calais ♪
♪ And darling I won't cry ♪
♪ I won't let water come out of my eyes ♪
♪ I'll try not to get upset ♪
♪ Even though you're d*ad ♪
♪ And every time I ♪
♪ And every time I Look at your urn I still think ♪
♪ You made my heart flutter ♪
♪ Like a sandal in the wind ♪
♪ Like a sand like a sand ♪
♪ Like a sand like a sand ♪
♪ Like a sandal in the wind ♪
♪ Everybody down Everybody down ♪
♪ Everybody down Come on ♪
♪ Everybody down ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Everybody down ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪
♪ Oh, yeah. ♪
♪ Sandal in the wind. ♪
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