04x16 - Lowering the Bar

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Emma, time to give back all the stuff I've stolen from the bar.

I realize, now that I own it, I'm just stealing from myself, so...

Good morning, Emma.

Why are you dressed like that?

Because I'm going to work with you.

Danny, when you put on a tie, it doesn't make you look like you own a bar.

It makes you look like a well-dressed giant.

But, for your first official duty, I think you should be the one to tell mom we bought the bar.

No worries. I texted her this morning.

Oh, really? How'd she take it?

You two idiots are selling that bar!

She might have had an issue or two.

Seriously!

Hi!

Hi, sweetheart! How are you?

Seriously! What is the matter with you, Danny?

How could you risk your life savings on something like this?

God, you two have absolutely no experience!

Uh, I've worked in that bar for over three years now.

Yeah, and I slept around with half of Manhattan, but you don't see me running out and buying a mattress store!

Probably not the best analogy, but you get my point!

Mom, have a little faith.

What makes you think we can't do this?

Because I raised you.

And you two know nothing about business.

I mean, who's gonna do the books?

Yeah. Yeah, Ben, there's math involved.

It's not just cocktails and drunk girls.

Uh, no, but I would argue that's a huge part of it.

If you boys screw this up, you could lose everything.

And don't tell me you're gonna figure it out together.

Because there hasn't been a Christmas tree or lemonade stand that you didn't destroy.

Seriously. We had to give free lemonade to all those firemen.

You are selling that bar!

Mom, we're not selling it.

Oh. Oh, yes, you are...

Or there will be hell to pay.

And believe me, I have an account there.

Say bye-bye to the bar.

(Door closes)

Wow.

She took that a lot better than I thought she would.

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change direction ♪

Riley! Just the person I was looking for.

Hey, I think I need a lawyer.

Oh, Tucker, I'm so flattered.

Do you know a good one?

Um, I'm a good lawyer.

Crap. I think I just locked myself out of my apartment.

Okay, look, so last year, I'm walking back from lunch with Mrs. Wheeler when a pipe fell on me at this construction site.

She told me if I sued, they'd panic, and I'd get this huge payout.

But they didn't send me a payout.

They sent me a court date.

It's not like a jury duty notice.

You can't just throw it out.

Tucker, this really could be a huge payout.

Wait, really?

Like, huge, "I'm buying a mansion?"

Or huge, "I can get some new jeans?"

'Cause, girl, you know I need both.

Tucker, I think you could win this thing.

Actually, I think I could win this thing and... oh my God! That's my chance to get noticed for something other than accidentally sleeping with the boss.

If it was an accident, then why do you keep doing it?

Please, you have to let me represent you.

And I promise to be tireless, fearless, and a consummate professional.

By the way, do you guys have a key to my place?

Because I'm pretty sure my briefcase is in there, and I might have left the oven on.

Oh, hi. I'm Danny Wheeler.

Welcome to our bar.

Oh, hi. I'm Danny Wheeler.

Welcome to our bar.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What-what-what are you doing?

Making our guests feel more comfortable.

That's what the liquor is for.

Danny, I need your help, okay? We got some problems.

The dishwasher's broken, half the taps are empty, and there's no kegs in the back.

And, Ceecee, why are you the only waitress out here?

Where are Jessica and Rene?

They're not on the schedule.

Well, who makes the schedule?

The manager.

Why isn't she here?

She's not on the schedule.

Well, who makes the manager's schedule?

Okay. Me.

All right. Okay, then.

Little bit of 'tude on that one.

Hey, boys.

Let me guess. We need to sell the bar, we're idiots, and you want a free Chardonnay.

Actually, I came to apologize.

I'm sorry. Apolo-what?

I overreacted. I'm sorry.

Any mother should be proud that her sons want to work together.

And if this is really gonna be a family business, let's make it one.

Put me to work. I'm all yours.

You know, mom, as much as we appreciate the offer, and we so do, I think we pretty much have everything under control.

Ben, we are now out of dark beer, and also the fire extinguisher is out... which I learned when I tried to put out that fire.

Oh! And by the way, there is a fire!

I got this.

Okay, Ceecee, just add a little coffee to the light beer, all right?

Ben, call your distributor and tell him that you are pulling your account if they're not here in the next half hour.

Danny, call Tony down at the fire station and tell him that he needs to get everything up to code or he won't be putting out any more fires at my place.

And somebody, for the love of God, get me a Chardonnay!

Okay, people. Welcome to Dobbs vs Walderson Construction.

I would like you to treat this courtroom just like my house.

Which means don't get too comfortable.

I don't like company.

Your honor, we're willing to offer Mr. Dobbs a $500 settlement to end this.

Oh my God! $500?

(Laughs) Riley, you did it!

I was so wrong about you sucking at your job.

Your honor, I need a moment with my client.

What the hell is the matter with you?

You're not taking $500.

Uh, you might not be, but I am.

Oh, and get me singles, 'cause I'm gonna make it rain at the peppermint tiger tonight!

(Shouting)

Please! Stop it!

Just trust me on this, okay?

Your honor, my client would like to proceed to trial.

Yeah, that's right. You're not getting off that easy, okay?

We have boxes of evidence and eyewitnesses who can testify to gross negligence.

Look, I know what you're all thinking.

She's young, she's got cute shoes, she doesn't know what she's doing.

Well, I assure you, I do.

Hmm. Let me guess.

This is your first trial?

It's hard to tell, right?

Cheers.

Congratulations, boys.

Some hard work and we got this place humming along like your dad at a Liza Minnelli concert.

I want to say we couldn't have done it without you, but I fear that will be used against me one day.

Excuse me. Are any of you the new owner?

We are.

We are.

Can we get you a drink?

Or... Something off the menu?

How about you get rid of the cockroaches in the kitchen, you fix the broken gage on the fridge, and you clean up what I hope is a giant pool of ketchup?

Health inspector.

I'm shuttin' you boys down.

You what? You can't do that.

I just made a schedule.

Effective immediately.

Okay, well, he's not gonna get away with this.

Nobody shuts my boys down.

Hey! Hey, you!

You come back here!

Well, in his defense, it's not ketchup.

I'm not done with you yet!

You were perfect. I think they bought it.

Really? That's great.

But I gotta say, this is the oddest second date that I've ever been on.

I wish I could say the same.

I just can't believe you'd do this to your own sons.

Well, then you obviously don't have children.

It is my job to destroy their dreams before the big, bad world does it for them.

It's what a good mother does.

(Snoring)

I swear I did it for their own good.

Was it fun?

Sure, but it was for their own good.

Whoo!

I'm awake!

Good morning, mom! I think we're done.

What's going on?

Ben and I have been up all night.

We fixed everything.

The fridge, the roof, the oven, the dishwasher, the toilet, and most importantly, the espresso machine.

Have you had one of these? I've had 10.

I can hear my heart.

(Drill buzzing like heartbeat)

That's impossible.

There's no way you could have done all that.

Are two things I would never say to you boys, ever.

Oh, hey, mom get this. I called the health department an hour ago.

They had no record of us being shut down.

So it looks like we're back in business.

Whoo! Yeah! Back in business!

As soon as Danny spackles all the holes he drilled in the back wall.

Oh.

Hey, Emma.

Okay, ready? Let's get started.

Mr. Dobbs, can you tell us exactly what happened on the day of the incident?

I was walking down the street, and I tripped on a pipe from the construction site.

Uh, you tripped on a pipe?

Because in your deposition, you said that the pipe fell on you.

Yeah. You know, I'm just trying to remember what I made up at the time.

I'm sorry. Uh, made up?

Made up, lied. I'm not really sure what the exact legal term is.

But, hey, if you want me to say the same story over and over again, I should probably write it down.

Yeah, you did. You did write it down in your sworn, legally-binding statement in which you stated, and I quote, that...

"You were walking down the street when a pipe fell out of the sky and struck me on the shoulder."

Okay, then I guess I'll say that, then.

Oh my God!

Tucker, what happened that day?

Mrs. Wheeler and I were walking past the construction site, and I was pretending to text so I didn't have to talk to her.

And, you know, I walked right past the "do not enter" sign, and that's when the pipe fell and splashed some cement on my suit.

Okay, so, um... let me get this straight.

We're suing them for a $50 dry-cleaning bill?

It's more like $25. I had a coupon.

Okay.

We've gotta get serious, Emma.

Your father and Uncle think that fixing a few things means they can run a business.

I swore after the lemonade stand I would never do this again, but it's time to bring out the big g*ns.

Hey, mom, guess what I'm doing at the bar today.

Owning it.

You know, Ben, I am really proud of you for stepping up.

Who cares what Danny said?

Uh, I might. What'd he say?

I swore I wouldn't say anything, but Danny thinks you made a huge mistake, and you're not mature enough to run the bar.

Oh, man! I can't believe how you just tore that out of me!

He said that?

Yeah.

Apparently, the only reason he partnered with you in the first place is that he's just so worried that you'll never amount to anything.

I can't believe he'd say that.

Me neither, but he did.

Well, then I guess I'm off to go do something immature, like make a living so I can feed my child.

Bye!

Bye!

Okay, Emma. One down, one to go.

Oh, hey, mom.

You think it's a good idea to make the bar cash only?

The more I think about it, I don't really get how credit cards work.

You know, Danny, I am really proud of you for stepping up.

Who cares what Ben said?

What did he say?

Oh, never mind.

I swore I wouldn't say anything.

Okay, cool.

Oh, wait! Wait, Danny!

No, I probably should tell you anyway, even though it pains me to.

But Ben thinks he made a huge mistake, and that you're not smart enough to handle owning a business.

Not smart enough?

I was smart enough to save enough money to buy a business.

But maybe not smart enough to pick the right partner.

(Door closes)

You know, Emma, I should write a book about manipulation.

Ooh! Better idea.

I'll trick Tucker into writing it for me.

Yeah? Give it? Yeah.

Tucker! You lied!

You can go to jail.

Jail? For lying?

Well, they better throw you in jail, too, because you said you were a good lawyer.

You know what? It is my job to present the best case that I have.

So I'm just gonna take the truth and, you know, I'll bend it a little.

Here's what they know: The pipe fell.

Here's what they don't need to know: Where it fell.

Here's what I need to know.

What the hell are you talking about?

I don't know.

See.

What do you think you're doing?

Uh, writing tomorrow's drink specials like I always do.

Is that too hard to figure out?

I'm sorry. I guess I'm just too stupid to help make a decision around here.

No, I'm sorry. I didn't know I was too immature to do this thing that I do all the time by myself.

You think you know everything about everything, and I know nothing about anything.

Maybe this whole thing is just a big mistake.

Hey, man, I didn't ask you to buy this place.

It was 100% your own stupid idea.

Buying the bar wasn't stupid.

What was stupid is asking you to run it with me.

Oh, what are you saying? You can run this bar without me?

Maybe that is what I'm saying.

Well, then maybe I quit! Good luck!

You can find yourself another brother, 'cause I quit you, too!

Ben!

(Sighs)

Honey, stop worrying about Ben.

You'll make up eventually. He's your brother.

Actually, he's not.

He quit that job, too.

Honey, don't worry.

We'll find you something better than a bar to invest in.

Mom, you don't get it.

I didn't invest in the bar, I invested in Ben.

What do you mean?

If he puts his mind to it, he can do anything.

I didn't know that you believed in your brother that much.

Of course I do.

I mean, look at what he's doing with Emma.

There's no bigger curveball in life than that, and he took the challenge and never looked back.

Oh, well.

Doesn't matter now.

Oh my God.

Mom, I just realized what you did.

You do?

Yeah.

You supported us through this whole thing without any judgment at all.

You're the best!

Anything for my boys.

So in conclusion, Mr. Dobbs, you walked into the construction site, the pipe fell, and you barely avoided death.

Is that correct?

(Tapping)

That is correct.

No further questions, your honor.

The plaintiff rests.

Mr. Dobbs, you are dismissed.

Although I may need to call you later for a Sidebar.

The Sidebar is a cocktail lounge across the street.

(Kisses)

I'm not talking to you.

What are you doing here?

I'm not talking to you.

What are you doing here?

Supporting my friends.

Damn it, I wasn't gonna talk to you!

Your honor, the defense would like to call a rebuttal witness.

Bonnie Wheeler.

What? No! Uh, objection!

She's not on my witness list.

Well, she's on mine.

This is bad, right?

As your attorney, I'd advise you to start panicking.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Wheeler.

You look lovely today.

That is correct.

Mrs. Wheeler, the plaintiff's lawyer chose not to call you as a witness today.

Do you know why?

Honey, if I took the time to figure out why she does what she does, I'd never leave the house.

It's because she's afraid of what you would say.

She's afraid of the truth.

Objection! That woman lies about everything!

And if she denies it, well, then, she's lying.

Is that true, Mrs. Wheeler?

Are you a liar?

No.

Then why don't you tell us what happened on the day of the incident?

Okay, well, Tucker and I were walking back from the bar, the bar that my sons own.

Well, not for much longer.

Thanks to me.

What is she talking about?

I'm not talking to you.

But I'm also confused.

Mrs. Wheeler, can you please stay focused?

I am focused...

On what a horrible mother I am.

No objection here.

I seduced an out-of-work improv actor and made my sons believe that he was a health inspector.

And when that didn't work, I turned them against each other.

And you know what the worst part is?

That this has nothing to do with the case we're trying?

Mom, how could you do that?

You mean we cleaned up the bar and made it better for nothing?

Can we get back to the incident in question?

Yes.

I only lied because I thought that I was protecting my kids.

Not that incident!

And what mother doesn't want the best for her children?

Especially my boys, who are not just brothers, they're best friends.

I'm sorry that I made the two of you fight.

You... you guys believed in each other, and all I did was ruin everything!

I feel almost as bad as I did after the lemonade stand.

Wait. You destroyed our lemonade stand?

(Pounds gavel) Order! Order in the court!

Mrs. Wheeler, hold it together or I'll hold you in contempt.

Now, tell us what happened at Walderson Construction, or I'll to be on trial for throwing this gavel at somebody's head.

Um, I'm sorry, your honor.

Um, uh, on the day of the incident, Tucker and I were walking past the construction site.

Objection. Irrelevant.

Uh, overruled.

I think that's very relevant.

Well, then, objection. Too relevant.

I'm gonna overrule that because that's not a thing.

Please proceed, Mrs. Wheeler.

Okay. Well, uh, we accidently walked into the construction site, and the pipe fell, and everybody just jumped out of the way.

It's a miracle that nobody was hurt.

No one was hurt?

I see.

No further questions.

Seriously, is everyone just out to get me?

Everyone. Everyone.

Uh, your honor? Your honor?

I would like to cross-examine the witness.

Mrs. Wheeler, you said that "everyone" jumped out of the way.

Who exactly was everyone?

How many civilians had wandered into the construction site?

I don't know. Five or six.

I wasn't really paying attention.

I was just pretending to text so I wouldn't have to talk to Tucker.

So, you're telling me that half a dozen people were able to accidently wander into a dangerous construction zone where things are just flying around taking people's heads off?

I object.

Uh, overruled.

Mrs. Wheeler, can you draw us a diagram of exactly where everyone was standing at the time?

I actually took pictures of the whole thing. Yeah.

One of the construction workers was really hot.

Ooh!

Now that's what I call evidence.

Okay. Great, great. Thank you. Thank you so much.

All right. I would like to enter this as exhibit A.

Your honor, in light of these events, I'd like to offer the plaintiff a $5,000 settlement.

Aw, hell no.

We'll take it.

Shut up, Dobbs. Suck it, Stevens.

I kicked your ass.

Thank you, your honor.

(Pounds gavel)

Court is adjourned.

Mr. Dobbs, I need to see you in my chambers.

I think I see another suit I can get you out of.

Danny, man, I'm sorry.

I thought you called me irresponsible.

No way, dude.

You're not irresponsible.

I'm sorry, too.

I thought you said I was dumb.

Come on, man. You're not...

You're just...

I love you, man.

I love you, too.

So, boys, do you ever think you could find it in your hearts to forgive me?

That depends. Are you ever gonna do this again?

Never.

I'm not still under oath, am I?

So, after much thought, Ben and I have decided to make some changes around here.

We've decided to hire our youngest employee ever.

This is Emma.

And we've also given her her first task.

Emma, would you like to do the honors?

Aw. What do you have to say to me?

Bye-bye.

Oh, that's so sweet.

She means you're fired.

Probably a good move.

Yeah.

(Laughs)