01x06 - Overboard

Episode transcripts for the 2015 UK TV show "SunTrap". Aired: May 2015 to present.
"SunTrap" is a crime-comedy featuring a couple of former British journalists-turned-detectives trying to solve mysteries and stay out of trouble at the same time on a Spanish island.
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01x06 - Overboard

Post by bunniefuu »

Hello, Brutus.

Not you! Get out!

I'm on the run. People are after me.

What people?

Amongst others, the Queen.

Indian accent: My name is Dr Shawamiwami and I am a doctor.

He's d*ad. Don't blame yourself.

German accent: Curses! You can't do this to me! Hello?

Ah, sweet of my hearts.

High-pitched voice: Oh Tommy, you're a darling! Oh, yes!

Delightful Don stole the pensions of half the Western world.

I'm going to find out where he keeps his money and I'm going to steal it back. Def!

Scottish accent: John J Johnson, Senior Parrot Inspector for the Exotic Bird Registry of Europe, North America and Canada.

American accent: Let magic rain! Yes!

Oh... ah!


Tell you what, Woodster son. This is the life, eh?

I couldn't agree more.

If by "the life", you mean "incinerating some Findus crispy pancakes on an open kerosene f*re", then this is definitely the life.

Don't knock them till you try them.

I won't knock them, mainly cos I won't be trying them.

Oi! You should count yourself lucky, mate... cos this is my signature dish and I only do it on special occasions.

Oh, I'm sorry, Nigella. I didn't realise it was your birthday, I'd have gotten you something.

Better than that, I'm selling the Shangri-La.

What? You can't.

I haven't finished doing the place up -- or started doing the place up.

Sorry, old mucker. This whole beach is being developed.

By who?

A developer.

What are they planning?

A development.

You've certainly done your homework.

Shangri-La's the last plot they need. [BRUTUS CHUCKLES]

I'm going to be quids in, son.

Have you even thought about what selling this place is going to do to your best mate?

What's Jimmy the Ferret got to do with any of this?

Not him -- me!

Your second best mate.

You're still young, Woody! You've got to get back in the game.

How many times? I've got people after me!

I'd write it down for you, if you hadn't lost your glasses.

This place is perfect.

It's off the grid. No-one knows I'm here.


You're Woody, right?

♪ I could be wilder than the wind ♪
♪ 190 miles an hour ♪
♪ I'm in a whole other dimension Dancing doubles on the floor ♪
♪ You think I'm crazy A little bit hazy ♪
♪ But I'm stone-cold ♪
♪ I could be wilder than the wind ♪
♪ 190 miles an hour ♪
♪ I'm in a whole other dimension Dancing doubles on the floor ♪
♪ You think I'm crazy A little bit hazy ♪
♪ But I'm stone-cold. ♪

You lost, shipmate? 17th century's that way.

I need help.

We can see that.

The name's Pirate Pete.

Honestly, what do parents expect when they give their kids unusual names?

I was told you're the person to talk to.

You should have talked to me. I could have told you that.

I run a small boat tour on the island.

Pirate themed?

He's very good.

It's called The Original Pirate Tour Party Boat.


Recently, some big, corporate tourist company has moved onto the island and set up a rival business and ever since they've been here, I've been getting thr*at calls.

They say something bad is going to happen to me if I don't stop trading.

Why don't you go to the police?

I did. They wouldn't take me seriously.

What? They wouldn't take you seriously?

They said I needed evidence, which is why I've come to you.

I need you to go undercover on the boat.

Is he saying I look like a pirate?

Well, they're recruiting people at the moment, so all you have to do is get a job on the boat and find out what they're planning to do to me.

What's in for me?

I can pay.

Pirate accent: 100 gold doubloons and the head of Calico Jack.

I've got 800 euros.

Even better. I'll do it.

Great! Let's celebrate.

Now, who wants a Crispy Pancake a la Brutus?

Mmm, no.


Your loss.

That means more for baby Brutus here.

'So, I was off for a job interview on a pirate boat.

'I knew there was no need to be nervous.

'When it comes to interviews, 'all you need to do is remember the golden rule -- just be yourself.'

Irish accent: The greatest Irish playwright?

I'd have to say Samuel Beckett. You know Beckett? Sure you do.

Krapp's Last Tape, I was Krapp at the Ballybunion Playhouse, never looked back.

Looking back is for losers and cyclists. You know what I'm saying?

Sure you do.

Yeah... I asked if you've got a First Aid Certificate.

Sure I have.

"Sure I have, Captain".

I thought you were the Captain.

No, I mean... Eh, just never mind.

I never do. So, how's about I do you that speech from Gladiator?

No, that's OK. I'm sure you're a very good actor.

So, have you ever worked on a tourist boat before?

I don't mind doing it.

Please don't.

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the... yadda, yadda, yadda. You get the gist.

Can we get on with the interview?

That's cool. Whatever you want, man.

"Whatever you want, Captain".


Whatever what?


What, what?

What, what?

What, what, what?


"What, Captain"?

I don't know -- what Captain? Give me a clue.

[CAPTAIN SIGHS] Look, have you ever worked in a bar before?



I thought you were the Captain?

Fine, you've got the job. You start tomorrow, 9am on deck.

That's cool. 10.15 on the dot, on the deck.

I'll see you tomorrow.

9 o'clock.

9.30, that's cool with me.


9.15 it is, cool.




OK. Here's an idea, hear me out, 10 past 9.







'So, I got myself a job and I was there bright and early the next morning... at 10 past 9.'

All aboard the Rusty Sword!

Ahoy, the mainbrace! Arr!

Hi, there. Ahoy there.

Day two, video 14.

This is me getting on the pirate ship.

You saw me booking a ticket for day one, video seven.

All aboard, me hearty!

There's a pirate on the pirate ship.

Hello, pirate. I'm Glenn.

Hello, Glenn. I'm a pirate.

That's a pirate saying hello. This is me walking onboard.

That was Glenn walking onboard.

So, Shane -- you ready for your first day at sea?

Aye, sir!

Good. Now go and give the chemical toilet a once over.

Aye, sir.

Music: Everybody Dance Now by C&C Music Factory

'A trip on the pirate cruise was a chance to find out what life was really like aboard a 17th century galleon, complete with early '90s disco and incredibly knowledgeable staff.'

Of course, back then, they weren't wood.

Give it back, you have a look.

'With the party in full swing, it was time for a snoop around.'

Splice the mainbrace, me hearties, etc, etc.

You took your time.

Yo ho no, Pirate Pete.

The very same.

This is a set-up.

That's my line.

This... is a set-up.

I did it better.

Anyway, it's been great catching up on pirate stuff, but I really should be going.

Oh, no. You're going nowhere, sonny.

I've got plans for you.

Is this the bit where I get h*t over the head with an oar?

No, I think it's more of a ladle.



♪ What shall we do with a drunken sailor early in the morning? ♪

Day two, video 26.

This is me downstairs on the pirate boat, having a look around while the queue for the buffet you saw in video 25 goes down.


There's a pirate, tied up.


There's some big tins of sweetcorn.


There's a dustpan and brush.


The pirate's trying to say something, but he's got a gag in his mouth.

Take this mff-mmm-mmf!

I don't understand what he's saying.

I'm going to take the gag out of his mouth.

I said, "Take this gag out of my mouth."

He said, "Take this gag out of my mouth."

Now, I'm going back upstairs for the pirate limbo, this bit's a bit boring.

Posh accent: Glenn, wait! This isn't part of the show.

Listen to me. I'm not really a pirate.

My name is Peter Smiley, British Secret Service.

You what?

Glenn, put the camera down.

He's now telling me to put the camera down...


The people running this boat aren't what they seem.

Glenn, these men are actually dangerous criminals...


.. and I've been placed deep undercover by the British Government to bring them to justice.

That sounds like hard work.

It is, Glenn -- and I need your help.

The Queen needs your help.

Music: Rule Britannia! by Thomas Arne Have you ever met the Queen, Glenn?

No, I haven't.

What are you doing Thursday?

A camel ride around an old volcano.

Not any more, you're not.

(Phone rings)

Zorro, get that for us, will you?

Me belly's giving me terrible gip.

Hope that kerosene wasn't off.

Hello, El Baro. Yes, he's here.

It's for you.

It's the British spy, Peter Smiley.


Agent Johnnie Walker? This is Agent Peter Smiley.

It's time for me to come in from the cold.

It's all right Woody, I know exactly what's happening.

You do?

Yep. You've got food poisoning. You're hallucinating.

I think there was something up with the pancakes.

The crispy pancakes?

I didn't eat the crispy pancakes.

I'm talking in code here, Glenn.

This isn't Glenn, this is Brutus.

You're definitely hallucinating, Woody.

No, I'm not. I know it's you, Agent Walker.

Look, I'm not Glenn. I'm not Agent Walker.

I am Brutus. It's all right, mate. You're just very confused.

No, you're confused.

No, you're confused.

No, you're confused.

No, you're confused.

No, you're confused.

Hang on, I'm confused. Are you confused, or am I confused?

Glenn, what you're about to hear is deep enigma level 17 code.

You can never ever repeat what I'm about to say to anyone.

Yes, sir.

Well done, Glenn.

B, it's me. Pirate Pete got me on this boat under false pretences and has taken me hostage.

I need you to rescue me.

I think I'm hallucinating again.

Trust me, B -- you're not. Just get here, quick.

Right, Glenn. I need you to act like nothing has happened.

Get back up there, film the limbo, edit it badly, upload it to YouTube and have no-one ever watch it.

Think you can do that for me, Glenn?

I reckon.

Good boy, Glenn.

Oh, and Glenn?

You couldn't untie me first, could you?

Oh, yeah.

(Engine starts)

(Engine revs)

Music: Sabotage by The Beastie Boys

(Brutus grunts)

(Phone rings)

'Hello? Hello, boss?'

It's not a good time.

I just wanted to check to see if we have any lemon slices...

Oh, no, wait. There they are. I see them.

Do you know when you look for something and you can't see it, even though it's right in front of you?

You're fired.

Today, I'm fired. Yesterday, I'm fired.

It's like, I don't know? Come on, man!

He'll call you back after he wakes up.


Is this the bit where I get h*t over the head with an oar?

No, I think it's a table leg.

Yeah. That'll do the trick.


Right. Tie him up and stick him with the other idiot.

That's what I came to tell you.

The other idiot's just escaped on a jet ski.

Well, that's annoying.

We are closed.

Where's Brutus?

(Zorro laughs) You fell for my joke!

Where's Brutus?

You're thinking about that it wasn't such a great joke and maybe go out and come back in again and I'll say something else.

OK, yeah. I'll definitely do that. In the meantime, where's Brutus?!

Er, he said he had some urgent business to do on his jet ski.

It sounded important and not important at the same time.

(Phone rings)

Hello, El Baro, what do you want?

Er, it's Pirate Pete from the pirate ship.

He says he wants to see you.

Pirate Pete? Tell him I'll see him in hell.

He's got Brutus.

Tell him I'll see him in 45 minutes.

No. I'm not going to come and play.

This isn't playing, this is serious.

Brutus has been taken hostage by pirates on a big pirate galleon.

Oh, that does sound serious(!)

And once again, without the sarcasm.

Look, no can do. Donald, he's about to have a meeting here with a property developer and his lawyer.

Yeah. That sentence isn't getting any less boring the longer it gets.

You don't get it.

I get it. Get what?

I don't get it.

They're going to be talking money -- my money.

Technically, his money.

Well, technically, everyone's pension money.

Don't get technical.

You know that beach that you sort of live on?

Donald's got big plans for it.

Ah! Donald's that developer.

Right, so you've heard.

He's going to be turning it into some rare turtle sanctuary, restaurant, nightclub type thing.

Oh, OK. A rare turtle sanctuary, restaurant, nightclub, one of those?

Which means he's going to reveal where the money is and I'm going to be in the room when he does.

He'll definitely see you. You do kind of draw the eye.

Thank you.


Look, I've waited too long for this.

Today is the day. I can't help you, Woody.

Right. I'm going to have to show you something.

Oh, dear God, what?

Not that, this.

Look at this, this is me. No mucking about. No silly jokes.

I need your help.

Melody, I think they're going to k*ll my friend.
Music: Bad To The Bone by George Thorogood

(Melody grunts)


Where did you come from?

Ah, Mr Pirate Man, you help me.

Do what?

My boat. It has run out of fuel.

You help me.

Of course.


Of course, Ivana.

Let me finish.

I-vana can of petrol.

(Brutus whimpers, door opens)

(Brutus gasps)

Oh, Woody -- am I glad to see you!

You should be. I'm very pretty.

You smell like a sardine.


No, I meant it as a compliment. You know I love a sardine.

I love all oily fish -- mackerel and herring and anchovy.

I love an anchovy.

Have you been h*t on the head?

Big time. Come on, let's go!

Not so fast, mister. I think you'll be needing these.

Right, let's get a wriggle on.

There you go, one can of petrol.

Oh, how can I ever thank you?

Thank you. That is adequate.

And... that's my phone number there.

Oh! I call you tomorrow. Bye-bye.

Oh, hello. Leaving so soon?

Nice Mr Pirate Man, he's so kind with petrol.

Now I go bye-bye.

What a lovely accent you've got. Where's it from?

It's from my mouth. [MELODY LAUGHS]

I make joke.


Yeah, it's funny you should turn up here now.

[MELODY LAUGHS] That also funny.

Yeah, funny.

And it's funny I've just checked your boat and you've got a full t*nk of petrol. Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

I don't get it.

It's OK. I'll explain it tomorrow. For now, bye-bye!

Grab her.

I'm grabbing her.

Stop grabbing me!

They're grabbing her.

Stop grabbing me.

What do we do?

There's only one thing we can do... show time!

Pirate accent: Arr!

Clear the stage! Clear the stage!

Welcome, ladies and landlubbers, to the magical world of pirates.

My name be Buccaneer Bob!

Now, it's the bit of the show you've all been waiting for...

Day two, video 31.

The pirate's going to tell us what we've all been waiting for.

.. the mutiny!


We be here to take control of this vessel from Pirate Pete!

Who's with me?

Crowd: Yeah!

Ah, which means there's no queue at the buffet.

Ahoy there! It's me fellow mutineer, Hornpipe Harry!

I prefer "Cutlass Keith".

Harry, Keith, whatever your name is, I think it's time we mutineers took ourselves a hostage -- perhaps a fair wench?


Yes, now which one of you wenches wants to be our hostage?

What about this comely maiden?

Pick again, Harry.

It's Keith.

Join us on stage, fair maiden. A big round of applause!



Ahoy there, everyone!

Who here wants to see Buccaneer Bob swallow a sword?


Yeah. That'd be pretty cool, you've got to admit that.

Well, who here wants to see Buccaneer Bob tie up Pirate Pete and deliver him to the local police station for questioning on charges of aggravated as*ault and false imprisonment?


What? No-one?

I'm afraid we can't let you do that, Keith.

I am Keith!

How would you like to see a good old-fashioned pirate fight, eh?


I don't like your chances much.

Well, I don't like your face, but I don't go on about it!


Cutlass Harry, are you with me?

It is Cutlass Keith! I give up.

You do know that sword's not real?

It's as real as yours, cockle.

Yeah, true. But it's not as real as this.


Hey, that's not fair.

What can I say? I'm a pirate.

Yeah, you do know you're not actually a pirate?

I now declare this mutiny over, which means it's time for the pirate disco!


Move it.

You mean, move it?

Music: Celebration by Kool and The g*ng You don't mean that at all, do you?

Well, this is nice.

It's lovely, us spending some quality time together.

We should do this more often. What about Thursday?

No wait, sorry. Thursday, I'm being fished out the marina by police frogmen.

What about Friday?

Not now, Woody. I am trying to think.

I thought I could smell something.

That'll be the pancakes.

[OUTSIDE: All ashore, me hearties!]


Sounds like we're back at port. I can hear the tourists leaving.

I've had an idea.

We need to come up with a plan.

What? That's your idea? Come up with a plan?


You got any better ideas?

That wasn't an idea.

You had an idea to have an idea.

It's a start.

It's not a start.

It's not a start unless you actually start, idiot!

You're the idiot.

Er, no. I checked and you're definitely the idiot.

Well, this is nice.

To think I was about to become a very rich man.

Oh, don't tell me. Did you win on the online bingo?

For your information, love, your husband has offered me a small fortune for my beach hut.

Oh, so you're that guy?

Yes, I am.

Did you read the contract?

Well, I had a kind of brief, um...

He talked me through it, the outlines of it, more of an overview.

That was a no.

How much actual money did he pay you?

It's a bit more complicated than that.

It's more of a joint venture thing.

How much actual money did you pay him?

Lump sum up front, the rest in collateral.

The bar.

He spoke very quickly.


You're the idiot.

Er... let me double-check. No, it's still you.

And we're off again.

She started it.

No, really. We're off again. The boat's definitely moving.

(Door opens)

Right, you're coming with us.

What's going on?

That is my catchphrase.

What's going on?

Say goodbye to your friend. He's going for a swim.

I'll deal with you two later.

Back in a minute. Love you.

Love you too.

Um, he's talking to me.

Actually, I was talking to Brutus.

Bit awkward.

Time for you to get off my boat.

We should probably settle up first.

I make it three and a half hours overtime.

Start walking.

I was thinking...

Could I have a quick word with someone in HR before I go?

I've got a couple of concerns about working conditions, nothing major.

Shut up and jump.

I can't work for a company like this. I quit.


Sorry. I don't work for you any more.

I said, jump!

And so, to the final dive of the competition.

Woody is attempting a backward two and a half somersault half pike with a double twist.

The crowd are on their feet.

Can Woody pull off this almost impossible dive?

Turns out, no.

Music: The Seeker by The Who

♪ They call me the seeker ♪
♪ I've been searching low and high ♪
♪ I won't get to get what I'm after ♪
♪ Till the day I die. ♪

Ah, there you are. I was getting worried.

Looks like someone could use a Jagertini.

Is this what I think it is?

Yeah. It's a Jagertini. Keep up. Get your tongue wet, son.

I mean, isn't this bit where my life's supposed to flash before my eyes?

Yeah, I reckon.

By the way, this Caesar salad is amazing.

So that's what I get -- you two dressed like a pair of penguins and a Caesar salad?

Looks like it.

Well, this is a let down.

I was hoping to learn something profound.

Actually, I've got to tell you, Woody...


.. this salad is to die for.

Oh, good.

Don't worry son. I've sussed it.

Go on.

Well, it's either that the sum total of your existence thus far has taught you that Caesar salad is the best salad there is...

It is.

.. or it ain't your time yet.

Don't you go drowning on me now, eh?

I need you alive and well, so I can k*ll you.

Senor Big?

Well, this is a stroke of luck.

You'll never guess what.

Some pirate has just dropped me in the sea and left me for d*ad.

Ah, Pete is a very old friend of mine.

I arranged for him to deliver you to me.

Yeah, I know. I was only messing with you.

Lighten up, Big.

You look like you've lost your sense of humour.

That Senor Big is gone.

The Senor Big who live in that beautiful house, who have beautiful clothes, eh?

Who have party and drink champagne.

That Senor Big is d*ad -- and you want to know who k*ll him?

Have you been eating spinach?


I asked you a question.

You want to know who k*ll him?

I get the feeling you've been rehearsing this.

You k*ll him -- and now, I'm going to k*ll you.

So, you saved me from drowning in order to sh**t me?

I wanted you to know I won.

(Senor Big laughs)

A text would have been fine.

You think this is a joke?

Depends what happens when you pull the trigger.

If a flag with the word "bang" pops out, then yes.

This is no joke.

You ruined my life -- now yours is over, huh?

How do you feel, Woody?

German accent: We are not here to talk about my feelings, we are here to talk about your feelings.

Why don't we start with your anger issues?

I could really work with that. We should all play.

You be you and I'll be a Scottish ornithologist.

Shut up, Woody.

Scottish accent: Never heard of him.

Name's John J Johnson, exotic bird inspector.

I've reason to believe there's a rare breed of peregrine falcon nesting in your chest hair.

You shut up, Woody!

I'm going to k*ll you now.

Don't you want to beg for your life?

High-pitched voice: I do. Oh, really I do.

You're such a big, strong man.

You make me feel so tiny and helpless, but I like it.

I like it a lot.

You not get it! Shut up now!

I'm going to... ah!

(Senor big cries out)

(Woody yelps)

Oh, darling! Help! Help!


Indian accent: Let me through. I'm a doctor.

My name is Dr Shawamiwami. Relax, I'm a professional.


Help me.

Senor Big, you're in luck.

Let's get you to a doctor.

♪ I could be wilder than the wind ♪
♪ 190 miles an hour ♪
♪ I'm in a whole other dimension Dancing doubles on the floor. ♪

Oh, there she bl*ws!

Now then, a lovely drop of grog.

Drink up, me hearties.

Whoa there, Captain.

I wanted to save some room for your crispy pancakes and then eat something else instead.

A splash for the lady?

The lady still isn't speaking to you.

The lady should be glad she got out of the boat.

The lady was two and a half hours in that hold with Kerosene Keith here, until the police arrived.

You're just lucky I managed to row back in time to raise the alarm.

You could have lost a lot more than your sense of smell.

Why did you save Senor Big?

The man wasn't well and I'm not in the business of letting people die.

Well, the main thing is, we're all safe.


Easy! You don't want to burn the place down.

Oh, I see. Yeah. Getting all protective now you decided to stay.

No, I just realised something.

This place may look like a dump. It may be a dump.

But it's my dump and I like saying the word "dump".

Well done for not selling up, B. That there's principles.

It's got nothing to do with principles, son.

The contract was a stinker.

I was that close to being made to look a proper wally.


Yeah. At least you've got your dignity.

I don't know what you're moaning about.

I was this close to Donald's fortune.

Yeah, well, at least you've got us.

Yay, result(!)

Right, who wants a crispy pancake?

Um, nobody.

Mmm, charming(!)

You know what?

I know. You love this place.

Woodrow Fairbanks Junior?

Well, I used to.

We have an international warrant for your arrest.

You have the right to remain silent...

Yeah. Good luck with that.

... but anything you say can and may be used against you in a court of law.

Can I just say one thing?

Isn't that one of those rare exotic turtles?

Music: Freeze Frame by J Geils Band
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