01x04 - Episode 4

Episode transcripts for the TV mini-series "Mills and Doom: The Marriage of Reason and Squalor". Aired: 11th June, 2015.
"Mills And Doom: The Marriage Of Reason And Squalor" is adapted from the novel of the same name. It follows Lydia, whose dashing surgeon fiancé has given her a desert island as a wedding present.
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01x04 - Episode 4

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously on The Marriage of Reason & Squalor...




Thank you.

Jesus, piece of...

Good girl, good girl.









Very nice.

Continue with the cream, three times a day.

Yes, Dr Hertz, of course. Thank you.

Dr Hertz...

Shh, you need to rest.

I'll be in to see Miss Love again, next week.

Thank you, Dr Hertz!

Why didn't you say anything?

How could I? There was nothing to say!

You could have tried to say something.

Like what? What exactly could I say?

Something, you could have said something, anything.

I said his name, didn't I?

No-one believes your story.

No-one believes Dr Hertz... even exists.



Say, "Algernon"!

Hertz is a surgical genius, not.

The patron saint of the scalpel, ya.

Shut up!

Lydia! Lydia, it's OK.

It's all right. OK.

There we go, there we go.


Let's get you nice... any aftercare.

You're OK, you're OK. You're OK.

You're OK, you're OK.

You're OK. You're OK.

OKs I told you not to stay too long in the sun!

No, you wouldn't want to... ruin my little masterpiece, would you?

Hmm? Um...



Good girl.

Good girl.

So pretty.


Come on! We'll be late.

I mean, inflammation isn't the enemy. It's a common misconception, scarification is part of the natural healing process - nothing to be ashamed of.

Isn't that so, Isaiah?

Most definitely, boss.

Scar tissue protects the damage below the surface.

But the scar, hm... is a fragile thing in itself, boss.

A fragile thing.

Beauty is more than just skin deep.

Indeed, Isaiah, indeed.


That's why we're getting married.

That's what you want, isn't it?

Yes, Algernon.

More than almost anything.

Do you mean here on the island?

Well, yeah, of course.

That's why we're here... on the island.


Look! Look, look, look, look...

And there, there, there, look...


Oh... Look.




After all, you clearly can't be trusted.


You know very well what I mean.

If you know... No?

I was just so far up the volcano.

And the sun was so hot, I mean, and I...

I wouldn't have survived without a glass of water.


And then... it just sort of happened.

Your cream.

Your cream, silly.

You can't be trusted to use your cream.

Oh, yes, my cream.

You wanna be perfect for me, don't you?


Yes, of course, Algernon.

Don't do that, darling.

Come... Come...


Come on.
♪ God's recreation ♪
♪ Of the new day. ♪

Welcome, welcome...

Consultant surgeon Algernon Hertz, do you take Chlamydia Love to be your wedded wife?

To cherish her in sickness and infirmity?

To love her for as long as you shall live?

I do.

Chlamydia Love, do you take consultant Algernon Hertz to be your wedded husband?

To promise to honour and obey him, forsaking all others and to be faithful only to him, so long as you shall live?


Forsaking all others, faithful only to him, for as long as you shall live?

Lydia, my love, everything's gonna be perfect, I promise you.

You do want everything to be perfect, don't you?


My God.

You're coming apart at the seams.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

What are you doing?

You'll ruin everything.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

A nip and a tuck and no need of proof.

Now, you listen to me, young lady.

She doesn't know what she's saying, but, don't worry, my love, I do.

I do take you to be my wedded husband for as long as we both shall live.

A stitch in time saves a second...

Stop it!

Stop it!


Algernon... you're the most gifted and most wonderful surgeon I ever could have imagined.

But... in truth, I've learned something so very important while spending time on my own on this island.

It's that... paradise is not a place at all - it's a state of mind.

Sometimes... such a serene state of mind is further away than you might think.

And sometimes... it's not what you might have expected at all.

Sometimes it's...


Lydia! Wait!

You're gonna need your cream!

Hurry! Or you all doomed!


Look at that one.

Beautiful. Gorgeous.







You've ruined this holiday.

Come to me.







You forgot your... cream.

My name is Chlamydia.

Chlamydia Love.

Chlamydia Love?

What a beautiful name.

Yes, it's Greek for contagiously...

Why did she allow this one to feel enigmatical?

Manned course is male biology paraded. It's...

Maybe she'd find paradise... there was something about this man that made her forget...



I... I... W... Words fail me here.

"To hell with paradise. Can't you see that I love you, damn it?"

I... I...

No more words.

And an ode to Morass.

Superheated gasses owing nothing to the temperature of the sun, only the turbulent coils of a mephitic nightmare.

Of black ash pumice.

And bright efflorescence of sulphur, winking indolently from the lurid furnace.

Black soot and incinerated rock from the abyss paroxysm.

My ejaculating magma ripples the sea purple, the sum fury of every lighting strike - a million years of accumulated wrath, raging from earth's fecund bowel.

Even the ocean draws back, as though aghast.

Soon, the sun is dim.

A dark mass now so dense the clouds collapse under its wind.

A black avalanche rains from the ruined sky.

The terrible form of matter tortured and transformed, turning the blue sea to brown.

And the green land... black.

Thank you.
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