01x08 - The Old Date

[bunniefuu]

Bernie: Oh, Russ? Check it out.

What do you think?

Russ: Costume party?

Bernie: No, strip club. The girls tend to work a little harder when they think you're an MD.

Russ: I can see that.

Bernie: The material's very thin, very lap-dance friendly.

Russ: I never, uh, thought of you as a, uh, strip club guy.

Bernie: Oh, AJ invited me.

You should come. You should come.

Russ: Oh, no, I can't. Lina and I have a date night tonight. [bell dings]

Bernie: Oh, this kid. You want me to handle this?

I'm already scrubbed in.

Russ: No. No.

What does this say?

Bernie: You should be wearing that, right?

Russ: That's not the point. Okay? It says manager.

How you doing? Can I help you?

Tween: Yeah. Just, uh, here to pick up.

Russ: Hey, where'd you get that bag?

Tween: This b*mb-ass surf shop in Venice.

Russ: Swick?

Tween: You know it?

Russ: Yeah.

Yeah, my old, my old partner and I started that.

I actually designed that logo. Put it on a longboard.

It's kind of how it all started.

Tween: Baller.

Bernie: Yeah, he also designed your middle school book fair banner, which I think you'll agree is equally baller.

Russ: Yeah. I am super baller... still.

<b>1x08 - The Old Date</b>

Lina: I can't believe you actually planned a date.

Russ: Yeah, what's the big deal?

Lina: 'Cause you normally don't plan sh*t.

Russ [laughing]: Well...

Lina: It's nice when you make an effort.

Russ: I thought it would be fun to, I don't know, see the old hood, do the old date... visit the shop.

Lina: Are you feeling nostalgic?

Russ: Maybe. A little.

Lina: Ah.

Man: You know who you remind me of? That's right... me.

We both got the same cute little face.

Russ: Right. No, we do. Yeah.

We definitely do.

Lina: Have a good night.

Russ: Thanks. Thanks.

Lina: Ah, I miss Venice.

Russ: Yeah. That was like looking in a mirror.

Lina: Let's go check out the old shop.

Bernie: I thought we were going to a strip club.

AJ: We are.

Bernie: Why are we at your ex-wife's house?

AJ: Relax, this'll only take a minute.

[Roxanne gasps]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Roxanne: Do you really think that this is a good idea?

Honestly?

AJ: I'm not here for you.

I'm here for Jerry.

Roxanne: Sure you are.

Stop it.

Bernie: What are we doing here?

AJ: Oh.

Jerry's mom passed.

Bernie: Oh.

AJ: Titty cancer.

Bernie: I, um... sorry.

It must be very hard to lose the mother of the guy who is boning your ex-wife. How are you holding up?

AJ: Oh, not good. I heard Esther was a really cool lady.

Bernie: Well, it's a very adult decision to come here and support Roxanne and Jerry.

Let's continue to be adults and go see some adult entertainment.

Mm-hmm?

AJ: Yeah, you're right.

Bernie: All right.

AJ: But first I'm gonna have an adult beverage.

Oh, God, it's such a tragedy, huh?

Oh, I am walking for the cure this year.

[chuckles] You better believe that, man.

Lina: Oh, my God. It's closed.

Russ: Really? Wow, that must've just happened.

Man, end of an era. Sad.

Lina: It is sad. We had a lot of good times in there.

Russ: I know.

Lina: I'm kind of relieved.

Russ: Why? What's that supposed to mean?

Lina: I don't know.

I always felt like it was my fault that we sold the place.

Russ: We made the decision together.

Lina: I pushed you. Anyway, you always wondered what would've happened if we didn't sell. Now, you know.

Russ: Oh, wait. They're not closed. They just moved.

Right off Abbott Kinney.

Lina: "Abbott Kinney"?

They must be doing well.

Russ: "Come see our new larger location." Unreal.

[laughs] I mean how much larger?

Lina: Should we check it out? Can you handle it?

Russ: Probably not. Let's just go eat.

Lina: I mean, the beach is great, but we never have to wait this long in the Valley.

Russ: Yeah, the Valley's so much better.

Lina: You don't have to pay for parking in the Valley.

Russ: Thank God.

Carlos: Okay.

Lina: Hey, look who it is!

Hi, Carlos.

Carlos: Ah, so good to see you.

Russ: You don't remember us, do you?

Lina: Honey?

Carlos: Uh, uh... [groans] I'm not good with names.

Russ: Wow. Yeah. I just thought you'd recognize us.

Carlos: I apologize. I see so many people.

Your waiter will be with you shortly. Enjoy.

Russ: We came in here once a week for five years. You think the guy would remember us.

Lina: This is gonna be a fun night.

Russ: What's the deal with this table by the way?

Like, seriously?

Lina: The table is fine.

Russ: It's not fine. We should move.

Lina: They're already gonna spit in our food.

You want to be upgraded to semen?

Russ: When we used to come in here, they used to sit us by the window and now we're, like, way in the back like minivans at a valet.

Lina: Is this about the shop?

Russ: No.

Lina: You want to get the clams?

Russ: I just want to know how much square footage they have.

Lina: Come on. Let's go.

Russ: What?

Lina: We're gonna go to the store. You're not gonna stop thinking about it, so we might as well just go.

Russ: I don't care about seeing it.

Lina: Really? You don't care?

Russ: I just, I bet they get a lot of foot traffic...

Lina: You just want to rub my face in it... great! Let's go.

Russ: I don't want to rub your face in anything.

Lina: We're going.

Russ: We're not going anywhere.

Lina: We're going!

Russ: I want to sit and eat.

Lina: I'm not eating until we go.

Carlos: Now, I remember you. Russ and Lina.

From the surf store! Congratulations on the new location!

Lina: Just say it.

Russ: What?

Lina: That I ruined your life.

Russ: It's not your fault.

Lina: Yeah, it is.

I made you sell it.

Russ: You were pregnant.

You weren't thinking straight.

Okay? Neither of us were.

Lina: Bruce was being such an assh*le.

We both wanted him out of our lives.

Russ: Yeah. And now, he's a rich assh*le.

Lina: Schools are better in the Valley.

We had to do it.

Russ: Kids, schools.

We did the right thing.

- LINA: Let's go eat.

Russ: I just got to check one thing.

Holy sh*t.

This place is enormous. Look at all this stuff.

Where is my longboard?

Lina: Which one?

Russ: The one with my logo on it.

Lina: Oh, why would Bruce take it down?

Russ: I'll tell you why Bruce would take it down.

Because he wants to erase me.

Lina: Uh, I don't think that's true. Your logo's on everything. Look.

Russ: Nice that somebody's making money off my design.

Lina: You know what? Screw this place.

I need new sunglasses.

How do I look?

Russ: You're still cute.

Lina: Hey, why don't we, uh, get drunk and go fool around on the beach? That'll be fun.

Aw...

Russ: All right.

Let's go.

Lina [quietly]: Hey.

[both chuckle]

Lina: I wasn't really gonna steal the glasses.

It was just a joke.

Dirk: A joke?

Lina and Russ: Yes.

Russ: Look, when we were younger and broke and we couldn't afford to go on dates, we would shoplift together.

Lina: It was romantic.

[Dirk scoffs] You know?

Dirk: I'm calling the police.

Lina: Don't... No, no.

Russ: No!

Lina: Don't do that, man.

Russ: Don't do that, okay?

Lina: Just, that's not cool.

Russ: We're friends with Bruce, all right?

Dirk: Who's Bruce?

Russ: Our old partner.

We used to own this shop together with Bruce.

Lina: The three of us.

Dirk: Okay, I don't know Bruce. Uh, this is, this place is owned by Mertzman Outdoors.

Russ: What? Well, what happened to Bruce?

Bruce got sh*t, man.

Russ: I'm sorry... what?!

Repair man: Bruce got sh*t.

Russ: Holy sh*t.

Wow. Bruce is freakin' loaded.

Lina: Well, I'm happy he's okay.

Russ: Bullshit.

Lina: Shut up.

Bruce: Hold on.

[bell dings]

Russ: Hey.

Bruce: What's up? So, you two are still together, huh? Didn't think that was gonna last.

Russ: Oh, yeah. No, it did.

Lina: For now.

Russ: Yup. Every day's an adventure.

Bruce: Yeah, I know something about that.

Bernie: Excuse me. Hey, AJ, can we get out of here?

Old people are asking me to look at their rashes.

AJ: So, look.

Bernie: Oh, I've been looking at them, but it's time to go. Come on.

Come on.

AJ: No, no. Wait.

Bernie: No.

AJ: Excuse me, everyone.

May I have your attention?

Bernie: What are you doing?

AJ: Time to make the donuts. Excuse me.

I would just like to say a few words if I may.

ROXANNE: Would you get him out of here?

Bernie: I kind of want to see where he's going with this.

AJ: I never met Esther. And I... guess I never will. But I do know Jerry.

And I understand something about loss.

For I, too, recently had someone very dear taken from me.

[smacks lips] And the hardest part is the not knowing. Is she at peace? Is she happier without me?

'Cause if she is, that's okay.

That is okay.

Bruce: So, that junkie told me to empty the register. I told him to suck my d*ck.

Yeah, blah, blah, blah. Nine surgeries later... here we are.

Russ: Aw, man.

I am so sorry.

Bruce: What are you sorry for?

You didn't put this b*llet in my spine. She did.

Lina: Excuse me?

Bruce: Relax, I'm just kidding. Kind of.

Russ: Not cool.

Lina: How is it my fault you got sh*t?

Bruce: Well, I mean, you made Russ sell, but...

Russ: She... uh, no. She didn't make me sell.

Bruce: Oh, a little bit.

Russ: No. I mean...

Lina: I-I... I mean... What? Come on.

Bruce: Well, I just remember that after the buyout, I had no money, so I couldn't afford any help.

And that's why I worked that night, which I should not have.

So... But you guys are doing good.

You guys have a family, right? Which is great for you.

What's that like?

Roxanne: What was that?

AJ: I'm sorry about the speech, but I just saw you in that dress...

Roxanne: Caitlin was late again for school on Monday.

AJ: I overslept.

Roxanne: Because of the pills?

AJ: I need them to help me sleep... and wake up.

Roxanne: Of course.

She also said you had yet another visitor.

AJ: Hey, I'm single. I mingle.

Roxanne: Do you think that it's okay to have just different women running in and out of her life?

AJ: You are the one who wanted to split up.

Roxanne: How long are you gonna hold that...?

Jerry: Is everything all right in here?

AJ: Everything's fine. How are you?

Roxanne: Baby, everything is okay.

AJ: You know, if you need me to be helpful in any way...

That's to be expected.

Bruce: Come here. This is Mai, my girlfriend.

Say hi.

Mai: Hi.

Bruce: She's a little shy sometimes with strangers.

Mai was actually my occupational therapist.

She got me through some pretty tough times, didn't she?

Yeah. She got me to focus on the positive.

So, that's good right there.

[smacks lips]

You got any pictures of your kids?

Russ: Uh, sure, yeah.

Bruce: Let's see what you guys got here.

Oh, my God! Oh, so lucky.

Russ: This is us all on the couch.

Bruce: That is nice.

Mai: We're thinking of adopting.

Lina: Oh.

Bruce: Obviously we can't conceive in the traditional manner.

Russ: Well... um...

Bruce: Yeah. But we still have fun though.

We do all kinds of stuff. Finger each other.

We look at all kinds of p*rn together.

She-she-she orgasms pretty hardcore.

Lina: Oh...

Russ: I'm just gonna run to the bathroom. Is there one, um...?

Bruce: Upstairs.

Roxanne: So, Jerry and I talked it over and we, we want you to get some help.

AJ: You want me to get some help?

Roxanne: We want you to get some help.

AJ: "We want."

Roxanne: Jerry and I discussed it.

AJ: Oh!

Roxanne: We did and we want you to get better.

[AJ groans]

AJ: What else do you and Jerry talk about?

Are you listening to anything that I'm saying?

AJ: Let me ask you a question about Jerry.

Is he as good at eating p*ssy as I am?

Bernie: Yeah, Sharon, the mole is fine, but with your family history, I'd lay off the salt.

Now, are you...

AJ: We've been asked to leave.

Bernie: Oh, finally.

Good night. Oh, have a doctor look at that mole.

Hey, are you okay?

AJ [quietly]: Best... shivah... ever.

[laughing]

Bernie: No, she tried to take you back to court. I...

AJ: No, she wants me to get help. She still cares about me.

Bernie: I had a really different take on what just happened. [AJ laughing]

Bruce: So is Russ still designing?

Lina: Uh, yeah.

He's working for a friend of ours in the valley.

He's-he's doing banners and-and invitations.

Bruce: Oh. That's good.

Lina: Oh, thank you.

Bruce: Is he happy?

Lina: I think so.

Russ: Hey, uh, Lina?

Lina: Hmm?

Russ: The babysitter's on the phone.

Lina: Is everything okay?

Russ: I don't know.

I think you better take this upstairs.

Lina: Oh. Excuse me.

What did the babysitter...

Russ: The kids are fine, okay?

Look. My very first longboard.

Lina: Oh, yeah.

Russ: And I found this.

We are taking this baby home tonight.

Russ: Okay, I just need you to cover for me for, like, ten minutes so I can get all the bolts out.

Lina: I'm not doing it.

Russ: You heard him.

He blames you for ruining his life.

Lina: So do you.

Russ: No, but that's... different. We're married.

Lina: Oh, my God, just let him keep the board.

Russ: No.

Lina: Yes.

Russ: Doesn't he have enough?

He's got this incredible house by the beach, he's got a successful company, he's got an Asian wife...

Lina: Oh, I'm sorry I'm not Asian enough for you.

Russ: Me, too.

Lina: Oh, my God.

Russ: Did you see the size of his shower?

Lina: Yeah.

So it can fit a wheelchair in it.

Russ: I moved to the valley. I got a vasectomy.

I am manager of, like, a flag and banner shop.

I am paying for braces. Can you please just do this one thing for me?

Lina: Fine.

What do you want me to do?

Russ: I just want you to occupy them, okay?

Bruce: Everything okay?

Lina: Yeah.

You know... Ella has a virus...

Bruce: Whoa.

Lina: ...and, um, everyone in her class had it.

Bruce: Well, we should shut the party down.

Mai, put the cheese away.

Lina: No, no, no. No way.

We are not shutting anything down. I have a babysitter tonight.

I mean, unless blood is coming out of her eyeballs...

[new song comes on radio]

Mm! This is my jam!

[Russ grunting]

My kind of party.

Come on, girl, shake it. Let's get down!

Bruce: Go ahead, dance with her.

You can dance with her, it's cool. Yeah!

[music continues in distance]

Russ: Seriously?

[clunking sound]

[clunking sound continues under music]

Bruce: What was that?

[clunking continues]

Russ: Get off!

[rattling]

[Russ speaks indistinctly]

[clunking continues]

Bruce: Whoa.

[laughs] All right.

A little room here. All right, that's enough.

There we go. There we go.

[Bruce groaning]

Lina: Why are we going upstairs?!

Hey, let's get the party down here.

[mechanical whirring] [music continues]

[mechanical whirring continues]

[glass shatters]

Bruce: What up, dawg?

You going somewhere?

Russ: Hey, bud.

[Lina moans]

Bruce: All you had to do was ask, dawg.

Lina: Oh, God.

Bruce: All you had to do was ask.

Russ: I...

All right. You hungry?

Lina: Yeah.

But can we go back to the valley?

Russ: Yeah, absolutely.

[music]

Bernie: I'm, uh... going to check her for lumps.

AJ: Good luck!

I recently lost a loved one.