01x09 - Halloween

[bunniefuu]

(Door opens)

(Door closes)

Lina: Hey.

Working late again?

Russ: Uh, yeah.

Lina: It's kind of really late.

Russ: Yup, I was, uh... just working on some of my own stuff.

Lina: Hmm.

Russ: Yeah.

Lina: Cool.

Russ: Mm-hmm.

Um, how are you, how are the girls?

Lina: I spent my evening pulling sh*t out of a dog's ass.

Russ: Oh, for fun?

Russ: Or...

Lina: His a**l glands were compacted.

How was your day?

Russ: Like pulling sh*t out of a dog's ass.

Ella: Your wife is rude.

Russ: Tell me about it.

You know, she wasn't always this rude.

Like, before you were born, she was actually kind of cool.

Ella: What happened?

Russ: We broke her.

And now we are all paying for it.

Ella: She's refusing to get me a Halloween costume.

Russ: Really?

Ella: Really.

Russ: That is rude.

Lina: Are you freaking kidding me?

That's what she said, that I refused?

Russ: Yes.

Lina: First she wants to be a bee, then she wants to be a hippie, now she wants to be a pirate.

How many costumes am I supposed to buy?

Russ: So just buy her the pirate costume.

Lina: You buy her the pirate costume.

Russ: I can't, I have AJ's thing tomorrow.

Lina: I have lunch with Eva.

Russ: Eva's in town?

Lina: Really?

Russ: What?

Lina: I told you, like, 17 times last week that my best friend was coming to town for a week and that she has one window that she can see me for lunch and it's tomorrow and I'm gonna drive half the day to do it.

Russ: So, uh, what do you want to do about the pirate costume?

Lina: If I buy it, she won't appreciate it.

Lina: I should get it for her.

Russ: Oh, get it, don't get it...

I don't care.

Sorry.

(Door closes)

Yeah, yeah, I got AJ into this very cool facility.

Shepard: Very good.

Russ: 'Cause that guy Russ: could use a vacation.

Shepard: Yeah.

Russ: Couldn't we all? Hi.

Jess: Hi. Mwah.

Uh, you forgot to buy toilet paper again.

Shepard: (Soft chuckle) Well, then you forgot to remind me again.

Jess: Okay, well, maybe that's because one of us has a job and the other one doesn't.

Shepard: Okay, you know, I love when you emasculate me in front of company.

Jess: Okay.

Shepard: Do some more, Shepard: do some more.

Jess: No, I'm sorry for you, I really am.

One minute.

Shepard: Hmm.

Russ: Good times.

Shepard: You have any idea what time you'll be back?

Jess: No.

Jess: I have work drinks tonight.

Shepard: Okay, you got work drinks.

I got you, you got work drinks.

She has drinks every night and then I end up eating supper alone with the nanny.

Russ: Does Victoria speak English or...?

Shepard: You know what, I'm not really sure.

She seems to smile and she laughs on cue.

'Cause, really, what more do I need?

Russ: Oh, sounds fun.

sh*t.

Hey.

AJ: Bagels, anyone?

Jess: Oh, man.

Russ: You don't look packed.

AJ: Come on, come inside.

(Russ sighs)

My assistant's coming by later. She's on it.

Jess: No, not later. No, no, no, we don't have all day to do this.

Russ: Yeah, dude, come on.

We took off work for this.

AJ: Oh, man, you think they got bagels in the big house?

Russ: You're not going to jail.

Jess (Chuckling): Jesus.

AJ: Oh, jail, rehab. Same sh*t.

Russ: Look, I know this is hard, okay?

But you got to get your suitcase, all right?

We got to go.

AJ: How about I go tomorrow, and the three of us just kick it today?

I have all these dr*gs... huh?

We should go through them so they're not here when I get back.

I don't need that temptation, you know?

Russ: We got to get this moving here, okay, so can you go get packed? Please?

AJ: You're a buzzkill.

Fine.

(Phone rings)

Russ: Hey.

Lina: How's it going?

Russ: I'm helping a grown man pack.

Lina: I help you pack all the time.

Russ: That must be why you hate me.

Lina: I hate you?

Lately it seems like you hate me.

Russ: What?

I don't... that's crazy.

Lina: Anyway, look, I think I want to get Ella the pirate costume.

Russ: I thought you said she won't appreciate it.

Lina: She won't, but she's almost 12, and I feel like this is the last Halloween she'll trick-or-treat with the family.

Russ: Right, okay.

Lina: Can you do it, because by the time I get over the hill I won't have time.

Russ: I...

Sure. Sure.

Lina: I have to go, Eva's here. Later

Russ: Okay, bye.

(Lina laughs)

Eva: Oh, my gosh.

Lina: How are you?

Eva: It's good to see you.

Lina: You, too.

Eva: How's things, how's everything with Russ?

Lina: Well, they've been better.

Russ: So, what kind of work drinks do you have tonight?

(Jess laughs)

So full of sh*t.

Jess: I don't have work drink.

(Fake chuckle)

It's a Halloween party in the hills.

Russ: (Laughs) Yeah, he said you've been going out a lot lately.

Jess: I'm not doing anything shady, I'm just going out and having fun and dancing.

Shep falls asleep every night at 9:00 p.m. in front of the TV.

Oh, you never go out? You're so good, right, you're perfect?

Russ: No.

Jess: God, let me get a closer look at you; you are perfect.

Russ: I did not say that.

I'm in the same exact boat. Some nights I go out with the kids from the, uh, store.

You know, we go to the bar and I tell Lina that I'm working on my designs.

And the truth is I haven't worked on any of my own sh*t in months.

Jess: Sometimes you need to lie.

Russ: Yeah.

What is taking him so long?

Seriously.

He said he'd be right out.

Jess: He lied.

Russ: AJ, let's go.

(Heavy scraping)

(Knocking)

AJ.

Jess: Hello?

(Groans)

Russ: Oh, son of a bitch.

AJ!

Hey, come on!

What are you doing?!

Jess: We have a runner.

Russ: Come on!

I don't need this sh*t.

Russ: (Groans) This is so annoying.

I can't believe he just did this.

Jess: You know what, though, he's not gonna get very far without the keys.

Russ: That is true.

Jess: Yeah.

That was very well done on your part.

Jess: Yeah. You know, it's actually this trick that I used to do, like, with all of the addicts that I've dated.

Russ: You did date a lot of addicts.

Jess: Yeah, it's kind of my type.

Russ: I can't believe you ended up with Shep.

He's so straight.

Jess: Yeah, well, I needed someone to take the wheel.

Which is exactly why you and I could never be together.

8Russ: Yeah, we're looking for our friend to take him to rehab while we smoke a joint.

Jess: That's a bad...

(Chuckles) that's a bad couple.

Russ: That is a bad couple.

Jess: Or such a cool couple.

Russ: Is that him?

That's him right there. Pull over.

Pull over right here.

AJ: I just wanted to say good-bye to my favorite barista.

Jess: Yeah.

No, he's really gonna miss you.

AJ: I tip really well.

He is really gonna miss me.

Russ: Just get in the car.

AJ: Let my guy make you a mocha.

Jess: No.

Russ: Just get in the car.

AJ: Let my guy make you a mocha, Come on.

Jess: Nobody wants a mocha.

AJ: Fine. Fine.

Jess: Nobody wants a mocha.

AJ: Fine. It's your loss. He makes the best mocha.

Jess: Okay.

Lina: We're not connecting anymore, you know?

And by the end of the day, when we finally all...

Eva: Oh, my God. like...

Lina, I am so sorry.

I just have to have a quick cup of coffee with Parker here.

Look, it'll just... it'll... it'll take a couple minutes.

Lina: Oh.

Parker: Sorry to interrupt.

Lina: Okay... Sure.

Do you want me to move?

AJ: What the hell is this? Am I rehabbing at a Dollar Store?

Russ: No, I just got to do some shopping. I got to get Ella a pirate costume.

AJ: Guys, maybe rehab isn't the answer for me.

Russ: Dude.

Jess: You're going to rehab.

AJ: Do I have a private room?

Russ: Yes.

AJ: Do I have a private bathroom?

Russ: Yes.

AJ: I wonder if I get a bidet 'cause I like to be clean.

Jess: (Groans) No.

All right, well, what size pirate is she?

Russ: Uh, I don't have any idea.

She's almost 12, so...

Jess: She is?

Russ: Yeah.

Jess: God.

Russ: I know.

I think this is the last year that she's gonna trick-or-treat with us.

Jess: Oh.

Did she have her period yet?

Russ: No, don't, okay?

I don't know. The doctor said it could be any minute.

Jess: Ooh, you're gonna get those boobs and pubes in your house.

Russ: Stop it, okay?

I can't even get my head around that.

Jess: Here we go. Look.

You're done. Pirate.

Russ: What is that?

Jess: And you're welcome.

It's a pirate costume.

Russ: No, it's a sexy pirate.

AJ: It's a slutty pirate.

Russ: I just said she's 12.

That's way too much, Jess.

AJ: That's a dirty, dirty pirate.

Jess: I'm sorry, but this is L.A.

This is what kids wear.

AJ: A pirate that dresses like that has daddy issues.

Russ: Yeah. Why are there no classy pirate costumes here?

She's just gonna have to be the bee or the hippie, I guess.

AJ: I just had a thought.

What if Caitlin grows up to be a slutty pirate?

What if I'm one of these whore-making dads?

Russ: No. You're...

You're a good dad, okay?

She's gonna be fine.

AJ: Right.

That's why I got to stay home and I got to take care of my kid, 'cause I'm a good dad.

Jess: No.

Russ: No, that's not what I said.

You're gonna go to rehab so that you can become a better dad.

AJ: Right. A better dad.

Jess: Yeah.

AJ: Rehab.

We just got to make a quick stop at my office first, though.

(Jess groans)

Russ: What?

All right.

You get five minutes, all right? That's it. I'm serious.

AJ: All right, all right.

Relax, Dad.

I just have to go upstairs and say good-bye to my work family and pick up some socks.

(Tapping)

AJ: Hey, Gillian.

Gillian: Hi.

(Pills rattling)

AJ: Ah, they sound comfy.

Gillian: Just like you ordered.

AJ: Yeah.

Gillian: The guy I got them from said not to wear the socks on an empty stomach.

AJ: Hey, got to always listen to the sock man, right?

Gillian: Just be careful.

AJ: Hey, uh, where is everybody?

Richard and Abby are...

They're not in their offices.

Gillian: Um, they are in the partner meeting.

AJ: Partner meeting?

Gillian: Mm-hmm.

AJ: But I'm one of the partners.

Gillian: I know. It's just...

AJ: So how can they have a partner meeting without me, if I'm one of the partners?

That doesn't make any sense.

Gillian: Well, you weren't coming in today.

AJ: So I'm not one of the partners anymore, huh?

Gillian: No, of course you are.

AJ: Oh, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

No, you're right! You're right!

I'm a founding partner!

(Whistling)

Gillian: You know, I really don't think this is such a good idea.

Why don't we just go to lunch or something.

AJ?

Good luck.

AJ: Hey, guys.

How's it going?

Hey, uh, I got a little something I want to say to you.

(Muffled): Are you insane?! Are you out of your minds?!

This... mine, mine, this is all mine!

I started this company!

(Speaking indistinctly)

...on your skulls after I remove your brains!

(Eva speaking indistinctly)

Lina: Um, you know what, I think, uh... I think I'm gonna get going.

I'll just see you next time you're in town.

Eva: Lina, just hang on one s...

(Phone ringing)

Uh, I have to get this.

Lina: Sure.

Eva: Can you just hang on one second?

Lina: No, it's fine, it's fine. It was nice to meet you.

Good luck with your, um, important meeting.

Eva: (Sighs) Hey. I am so sorry.

Look, I'm only in town for a couple days and I overbooked.

Are you okay?

Lina: (Sniffles) No.

Eva: Should we go get a drink?

Lina: I just gave the guy my ticket.

Eva: I'll take care of it. Come on.

Gillian: Everything's fine. I shouldn't have called you guys, uh... I just got scared.

Jess: Why, what happened?

Gillian: The partners had AJ escorted out of the building.

After everything that he's done for them, it's so ungrateful.

Right?

Russ: What did he do?

Gillian: Nobody got hurt.

AJ got a tiny bit violent.

Jess: Uh-huh.

Gillian: But he wanted me to tell you guys that rehab can wait, because things are a little intense right now with the new firm.

Jess: The new firm?

Gillian: We're starting a new firm.

I mean, AJ is, but I'm helping him.

Jess: Oh, I'm sure you are, sweetie.

That's great.

Gillian: N-No, you guys, now's really not a good time.

Wait, you guys, um, sorry...

AJ?

Russ: Let's go.

It's time to go. Time to go.

AJ: Gillian, did you explain to them how busy I am with the new firm?

Gillian: I tried.

Russ: Oh, cut the crap.

There is no new firm, okay?

You're going to rehab like you promised.

AJ: Do you have that promise in writing?

Russ: In a text.

AJ: Well, texts are inadmissible.

You know, anybody can hack that sh*t, right?

Jess: Oh, my God, you're such an assh*le.

We've been chasing you around all day, okay?

Russ: You know what, don't worry about it.

I don't care anymore.

I really don't. I'm over it.

Okay, you don't want to go to rehab?

Don't go, okay?

Who cares that I spent the week yelping different facilities, okay?

Reading reviews of food and-and fitness centers.

If you want to screw me over and Jess and this poor girl who's probably in love with you, go for it.

AJ: Right. Come on, she's not in love with me.

Gillian: But you said you wanted to be with me.

AJ: Yeah. At the new firm.

Gillian: But what about when we...

AJ: Oh, my God, did we have sex?

Gillian: Twice.

AJ: Did you like it?

Gillian: Once.

Jess: Oh, wow.

AJ: Well.

I guess it's, uh... it's time for somebody to go to rehab, huh?

Lina: No, I just really wanted to talk to you because I can't talk to the other moms about real stuff.

Eva: Okay, well, what's going on with you and Russ?

Lina: He hates his job.

He comes home super late every night and I can tell that he doesn't want to be around me.

I don't understand it.

Eva: Do you know, sometimes when I come home at night, I am such a bitch to Karen.

Lina: Okay, but why?

Eva: I don't know.

I mean, she's taking care of my kids, she's washing my clothes.

Lina: Yeah.

Eva: But sometimes I look at her and I can't stand her.

Like, all the sacrifices that she's made for me, I just, I see them on her face.

It makes me want to slap the sh*t out of her.

Lina: Really?

(Eva laughs)

I can tell when I walk through the door.

He looks at me like he wants me to be his cheerleader or something.

Eva: You know what?

He probably just wants you to put his d*ck in your mouth.

(Laughs)

Lina: I'm a terrible wife.

Eva: Hey, stay in the hotel room with me tonight, come on.

I have an early meeting, but you can just hang out, get a massage, charge it to the room.

And then we can really hang out later.

Lina: Yeah, screw it, Russ can take 'em trick-or-treating.

Eva: Mm-hmm.

Lina: They don't even care about me.

(Eva laughs)

They probably won't even notice if I'm not there.

Eva: So you'll stay?

Lina: Happy Halloween.

Russ: Hey.

Russ: What are you doing here?

Lina: Hi, guys.

I thought you were, uh, spending the night at Eva's.

Lina: Oh, I didn't really think you could handle trick-or-treating on your own.

But I was clearly wrong.

Russ: Clearly.

Lina: You got the pirate costume.

Not bad.

Ella: Hey, guys, Hannah just texted and asked if I could go trick-or-treating with them.

Can I?

All my friends are gonna be there.

Please.

Russ: Uh, sure.

Ella: Really?

Lina: I hope she bleeds right through that pirate costume tonight.

Russ: Yeah.

Let Hannah's mother find her a tampon.

Lina: And show her how to use it.

Maya: What's a tampon?

Russ: Uh...

It's kind of like a sponge... that soaks up stuff.

Maya: What stuff?

Frankie: Are we done talking about tampons?

Lina: How are we gonna trick-or-treat when the kids are too old?

Russ: We won't.

Lina: Well, what will we do?

Russ: We'll give out candy.

Lina: We're gonna be those old people giving out candy?

That's depressing.

Frankie: Look what we've got!

Lina: Oh, I want a butterfinger.

Maya: Mom.

Russ: Give your mother a butterfinger... she does a lot of sh*t for you.

Now.

Give it.

All right, let's keep going.

Come on.

Russ: Get something bigger.

Frankie: We will, Daddy.

Russ: King size.

What was that for?

Lina: Standing up for me.

Russ: Hmm.

Well, in that case...

Feeling more than just a kiss.

(Lina laughs)

(Horn honks)

Jess: Am I too late?

Shepard: Just in time.

Ooh, you know what?

Back in the car.

Jess: What?

Shepard: Just wait in the car.

Some neighbors don't hate us yet.

Jess: I look good.

Shepard: Yes, you do.