04x18 - Parental Guidance

[bunniefuu]

All done, and not even a tear.

She's obviously nothing like her father.

Is it over? Was it horrible?

Dude, she's fine.

But you seriously need to dad up, man. It's just a needle.

Hey, I can handle a needle. I just don't want Emma associating me with it.

Oh, okay, so I get to be the big, bad needle man, and you get to just swoop in and be the hero?

Hey, if you wanna be a hero, get your own kid, okay?

Did that horrible Tucker make you get a sh*t?

Don't worry, okay? Daddy's here.

Nice to see you haven't changed, Ben.

So, what lucky physician has the honor of seeing you now that you're all grown up.

Well, seeing as I don't really get stuff stuck up my nose anymore, I think I'm good.

Benjamin Wheeler, when was the last time you had a check-up?

No check-up needed.

I check myself out at least twice a day, and from where I'm standing, everything looks just fine.

You should try standing over here.

Ben, you're a father now. You need to get a physical.

Now, I have another patient waiting, but my daughter is available.

She just graduated med school...

(Beeps)

And will be taking over the practice in a few years.

Seriously, Doc, I'm fine. I don't have time for some stupid...

Hi, dad. Did you page me?

Tucker, can you wait with Emma outside? This may take a while.

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction ♪

Oh my God, oh my God, your mom's ex is here.

Oh, that isn't Brad. It's his twin brother, Tad.

The only way you can tell them apart is Tad wears glasses.

Out of anyone, you should know. You went on a date with him, didn't you?

Uh, yeah, which ended in me calling him a giant liar and throwing a drink in his face.

Oh my God, Danny, I cannot stand that... hi.

Tad, hi! Oh, it's so good to see you.

Actually it's Brad.

I scratched my cornea, so I have to wear these glasses for the next few days.

Unfortunately, now I keep getting mistaken for my less attractive, hideous identical twin, Tad.

Are you sure you're Brad?

Oh.

Oh! Hey, Brad, how you been?

Well, I was just in the area, and I...

Figured I'd pop by to congratulate you and Ben on buying the bar.

Oh, thanks, dude.

So, anyway, what's new? What's been going on? How are things?

If you're implying that I just came by with the hopes of running into Bonnie to rekindle our romance because no matter how hard I try I can't get her out of my mind, well, then you are both dead wrong.

She isn't here, is she?

Oh, I see what's going on here.

So do I.

Oh, you want her back, don't you?

Oh, I didn't get that.

I do want her back.

I know it sounds crazy, but I am...

I am crazy about her.

Am I crazy? Is that crazy?

Actually, Brad, as we say in the bar world...

That's nuts.

Brad? (Scoffs)

Do the words "I never want to see you again" mean nothing to you?

I suggest you take that shirt off that incredible body of yours, turn around real slow, and get the hell outta here!

I'm sorry, Bonnie. I...

Oh, hi, Tad.

From the back you look a lot like your brother.

Actually I'm...

Tad!

He's Tad. Isn't it fun to have Tad here?

That's right. I'm Tad.

Well, not that I care, but how is your brother?

Miserable? Depressed? Alone?

Desperately trying to make peace with the fact that his best days are behind him?

God, he had a great ass.

Well, I do know that he feels like a total idiot for ever letting you get away.

He was an idiot to let me go.

Why don't you tell me more over a bottle of wine?

And, you know, whatever it is you want to drink.

Sometimes I just like to watch her sleep.

She's like an angel without wings.

So, you were about to give me your number?

Yo, Tucker, let's get out of here.

Dude, what the hell, man? You were in there for like an hour.

Oh, wait.

Were you in there for, like, an hour?

No. They found a lump on...

On one of my boys.

You don't mean those boys?

Yes! What other boys do you have?

But the doctor said you'll be fine. Right?

No, no she did not. You see, this is why I don't go to the doctor.

They find things.

Oh my God, wait, so what does this mean?

I won't know for 24 hours.

24 hours? Dude, that's almost a whole day!

Hey, man, you need to keep it together, okay? If you lose it, I'll lose it, and I can't lose it. I'm a dad.

Oh my God, who's going to raise Emma?

See? This is me losing it.

Okay, it's going to be okay.

Hey, we need to keep this between us. I don't want to worry anyone.

Okay, yeah, totally. Just between us.

Hey, I'm here for you, man.

Thanks, buddy. Let's go.

Oh my God, you're gonna die.

And the truth is, Brad told me that he's just...

Jealous of how smart and beautiful you are.

Really?

Because I'm jealous of how smart and beautiful he is.

You understand, you've been living in his shadow your whole life.

But promise me you won't tell Brad any of this.

Bonnie, I, me...

Tad would never betray your trust.

Thanks, Tad. I'll be right back.

Danny!

Oh, hey, Tad. I think your brother's here somewhere.

Again, still Brad.

I can't believe how well it's going with your mom.

We're finally being open and honest with each other.

Oh, so you told her you're really Brad?

Even better. I didn't.

I just need to be Tad long enough to convince her to give Brad a second chance.

What if she doesn't?

Will you have to be Tad forever? And if you're Tad, who will be Brad?

Dude, would you quit looking at me like that? You're freaking me out.

I'm sorry.

I just want to be a part of everything you do in case it's the last time you do what you're doing.

I'm eating a sandwich.

I know.

Could you maybe do something more interesting?

Ben!

Knock. Knock. Hey, I got your... message.

I bought him a latte this morning. He really enjoyed it.

So, anyway, your message...

You said something about Emma and needing a guardian.

I need you to draw up guardianship papers, you know, just in case something ever happens to me.

Nothing's happening to you, is it?

No, no, no, not at all. I'm just thinking ahead.

That's what good parents do, right?

Okay, well, the papers are super easy to draw up. Who are you gonna choose?

Honestly, I was thinking maybe you.

Really? Oh my God, that is so nice.

I just need to sit down, you know.

Well, you are sitting down.

Yeah, okay.

(Hyperventilating)

Riley, oh my God, calm down.

You'll be perfect. I always say I want Emma to grow up to be just like you... with maybe a skosh less anxiety.

Thank you, but...

I'm sorry, I can't.

I love her, I love her so much, but some people just weren't meant to have kids.

I mean, who is my role model? My mother? My aunt mother?

See? My own mother situation is just a hot mess.

So, thank you, thank you so much. I'm really flattered that you thought of me, but I just can't do that to Emma.

Oh my God, calm down. Okay.

I'll find someone else.

Yes!

Someone else. Your mother.

People always pick their mothers. That's what people do.

Yeah, maybe you're right. My mom would be the most logical choice.

Yeah, we named our signature burger after him, the "'Only the Good Die Young" burger.

Not really true, but the ' "He Had it Coming" burger wasn't really selling.

You know, I never had the chance to tell him he was my favorite son.

Oh, Benji, I have dedicated my entire life to raising your beautiful daughter.

I just wish you could see her all grown up.

Just 17 and already so smart, and she's so pretty.

Naturally, everyone assumes we're sisters.

I mean, she's basically me at her age.

Holy Bon Jovi. I think my water just broke.

Oh, okay. All right, quick! Somebody call a cab.

I'm gonna be a great-grandma!

Damn it! Damn it.

Come on.

You know, on second thought, that's a no on my mom.

What am I gonna do now? Emma has no one.

She's got you, silly. You're not going anywhere, so just let me know when you decide on who you want, all right?

The ball is in your court.

Oh, if only that were true.

Seriously, Tucker, let it go!

No, man. What if something really is wrong with you?

I mean, how am I supposed to live my life without my best friend?

Plus, do you know how hard it's gonna to be to bring girls back to a place where somebody d*ed?

I mean, Emma's a good wing baby, but she ain't that good.

You know, one of these days you're gonna need a new way to pick up girls.

Oh my God, is Emma dying too?

What? No. What is wrong with you?

Dude, I'm sorry.

I'm trying to act cool, but I'm not cool. How are you so cool?

I have to be. What happens to Emma if something happens to me?

I'll have to leave her to somebody.

You know, someone mature, responsible, who has their life together.

Oh, okay.

I think I see where you're going with this.

I, for one, am flattered, though not entirely surprised. Oh my God, man.

Dude, I will totally take care of Emma for you.

You would? Huh.

I hadn't really thought about it, but, yeah, I guess I could see Emma with you.

Okay, Emma, now what do you say we stop after ballet class and get some ice cream?

You mean, see if we can pick up the hottie who works behind the counter?

♪ Guilty. ♪

What's wrong with the girl we picked up at the park last week?

Okay, Emma, look, that was last week. We've moved on.

Ooh, babe at 10:00. You're on.

Look alive and keep that cute up.

And if she's not interested at first?

Cry. Then tell her that I miss having a female role model in my life.

Good girl. Oh, and don't forget to mention your dead dad.

Chicks love that.

You know, why are we even having this conversation? I'll be fine.

Okay, but look... I'm just saying, if you need me to raise Emma, I'm cool.

All right? I think I can teach her a few things.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

Oh my God, Danny. It turns out everything I did was right, and everything Brad did was wrong.

I love being told what I want to hear.

Mom, you've been talking to him for, like, 10 hours.

Do you really think it's such a good idea to spend so much time with Brad?

You mean Tad?

What did I say?

Brad.

What did I mean?

Tad.

Sounds right.

So, Bon Bon, you want to keep talking about what a jerk my brother was for letting you go?

"Bon Bon"? That's what Brad used to call me.

(Chuckles)

You know what?

I'm gonna call your brother.

You've made me realize that everything I want is actually right in front of me.

Well, not right in front of me.

No, because you're here, and... (Scoffs) You're no Brad.

And, uh, what are you gonna tell him?

I'm going to tell him that I love him, I miss him, and I want to get back together.

Oh, Bonnie, he wants the same thing.

Really?

Really.

Oh, Tad! Oh God, what am I doing?

I am so sorry, Bonnie. I suddenly saw what my brother sees in you.

But I kissed you back!

I can't get back together with your brother!

Oh my God, what is wrong with me? I don't even like glasses!

Oh God, this has been a huge mistake.

Bonnie, wait. It wasn't a mistake.

(Gasps)

Brad?

I am so sorry that I lied to you, but nothing else has changed.

Everything we talked about is still true.

We can still get back together.

You're right.

Nothing has changed.

You're still a deceitful, horrible person that can't be trusted.

You know, I never want to see you again.

Bronnie is over.

Yes, I gave us a nickname.

Bonnie!

I don't know what to do, Emma.

I have to pick someone, but I just can't imagine a world where I'm not around to watch you grow up.

Hello? Oh, hey.

So have you decided who the winner of this beautiful little girl is?

You do realize they only win if I'm dead, right?

And yes, I have decided.

On you.

(Hyperventilating)

What about Danny?

Danny. Nobody in the world has a bigger heart than your brother, so Danny it is. Yay Danny.

I guess I could see Emma with Danny.

Hey, Emma. How's the homework going?

Not so good. I'm really nervous about this test tomorrow.

What if I don't know an answer?

Well, if you don't know the answer to a question, just pick "C".

That way you have a 50-50 chance of getting it right.

Uh, it's math. "C" isn't an option.

Then go with "3." I don't know why but it seems to come up a lot.

Hi, sweetheart. I'm home.

Riley.

Aw, come here, honey.

Pretty soon you'll be calling me mom.

I can't wait for your wedding.

Aw, me too.

Just a few more days and I'll get to marry to my best friend.

We'll finally be a family.

Whoo!

I'm back! Turns out I wasn't dead after all.

Daddy.

Hi, sweetheart.

Thank you, Danny, for watching Emma, but I think I'll take it from here.

Ben, what are you doing?

Ben!

Who? What? What's up?

You know, I don't think Danny is the best role model.

You know, he's not very... math-y.

You know what? Don't stress about it.

I mean, it's not like you're going to die anytime soon.

After all the fun we've had together, this is how you repay me?

It's over. You heard her. She never wants to see me again.

Can I assume that "her" is mom and that he actually wants her back?

Yeah, I don't really understand it either.

If you're serious, you just gotta go talk to her.

I can't. I'm done putting myself out there. I'm done taking chances.

What are you talking about?

Done? You can't be done.

This is your life, man, and you can't sit around, treating it like it doesn't matter.

Every day counts.

Don't wait for things to happen to you.

You have to make things happen.

You gotta grab life by the...

Well, you grab what you want while you can,

'cause there might not be a tomorrow.

You're right. I should just go for it.

I'm gonna take a sh*t at making Bonnie truly happy.

Ooh, I have an idea, but I'm gonna need your help.

All of you.

I kind of got a couple of other things on my right now but...

Helping my mom find true love? Sure why not.

Okay, here's what we're going to do.

So, we're going to go downtown...

Sorry, I can't find it.

What's the address of the listing again?

Excuse me, we're a little lost.

Yeah, get in line, pal.

♪ What would I do without your smart mouth? ♪

What?

♪ Drawing me in, and you kicking me out ♪

You know, I don't have any cash. All right?

♪ You got my head spinning ♪
♪ no kidding ♪
♪ I can't pin you down ♪

(Music playing)

Brad?

♪ What's going on in that beautiful mind ♪
♪ I'm on your magical mystery ride ♪
♪ and I'm so dizzy ♪
♪ don't know what hit me ♪
♪ but I'll be alright ♪
♪ cause all of me ♪
♪ loves all of you ♪
♪ love your curves and all your edges ♪
♪ all your perfect imperfections ♪
♪ give your all to me ♪
♪ I'll give my all to you ♪
♪ you're my end and my beginning ♪
♪ even when I lose, I'm winning ♪
♪ cause I'll give you all ♪
♪ of me ♪

♪ and you'll give me all of you ♪
♪ oh, oh, I'll give you all of me ♪
♪ will you give me all of you? ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪

This isn't happening. ♪

Bon Bon, I know you and I will never be perfect...

But I want to spend every imperfect moment with you.

Will you marry me?

(Crying)

Oh my God, this is all so sudden.

I don't know what to say.

(Mumbles) Mom, what are you doing? Come on, say "yes".

I mean...

I just...

Of course, I'm gonna marry you!

Oh my God! Look at your face!

(Applause)

Well, now I know why there's so much traffic in New York... flash mobs.

I need you to sit down, and I need you to not say anything until I'm done talking.

Okay, but if you're proposing, don't bother. The answer is yes.

Your mom, and the proposal... It all got me thinking about Emma and what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, the future.

Riley, calm down. Okay? Calm down.

I'm not going to ask you again. You don't have to take Emma.

I'll figure it out.

That's not it.

I want to be brave.

I want to be everything that you think I can be, and, God, as crazy as this sounds, I want to be like your mom.

What? 45, on your second marriage?

No. She's not letting her past dictate her future, so...

Oh my God, here it goes.

If the position is still open, I want to be Emma's guardian.

That wasn't so bad. Oh good.

Actually, I feel kind of good about that. What do you think?

You're hired. Thank you, Riley.

(Cellphone buzzing)

I have to take this.

Hello?

Dr. Davis, hi.

I'm all good. Really?

Oh my God, thank you so much.

Hey, any chance your daughter wants to come out and celebrate with me?

That was inappropriate. I'm sorry.

Dude, was that the call?

It was the call. It was nothing. I'm going to be fine.

Oh my God, that's fantastic.

Dude, I knew you were going to be fine.

What's that?

Oh...

Just a couple things from your room that I didn't think you'd be needing.

You know, this whole thing got me thinking.

I should have my boys checked.

You want that lady doctor's phone number, don't you?

Please. She's so hot, man. Come on.

Come on.

I can't believe it's taken us this long to finally become a family.

I know.

****

I love you.

I love you too.

****

****

Dude, you're dreaming.

I'm sorry. What?

You're dreaming.

Dude, you're dreaming.

****