01x04 - Wi-Fi

[bunniefuu]

Oh. Oh, okay. There's reception.

I've got two bars.

[Gasps] Oh, my gosh, they're so cute.

There's four pairs left. Should I add them to cart?

Add to cart! Add to cart!

I have to have them.

Oh, shopping online is so darn exciting.

Don't you think?

Yeah.

I just might wet myself.

Danni, don't do it.

Looks fade. It happens.

We're trying to buy these really cute shortie overalls on eBay.

It's so darn exciting.

Okay. Confirming payment.

Charmaine, do not move my leg.

I will lose cell reception.

All right. Shipping address same as billing.

"Yes." And...

[Sneezes]

[Screams]

Gone! Signal lost. Why did you sneeze?

I guess I'm allergic to having your ass in my face.

Oh, wait, wait.

It's back. Two bars.

I'm on the site, and...

Oh, my god. They're sold out.

[Sighs] All of them?

Yep.

Bye-bye, cute shortie overalls.

Danni, Danni, Danni, don't do it.

I'll sleep with you.

Jesus, Ben. Are you trying to make her jump?

♪ It's time to show the world what they've waited for ♪
♪ something like they've never seen before ♪
♪ whoa, we're just getting started ♪
♪ just getting started ♪

Jesus. Ben, listen.

You have to get Wi-Fi back in the barber shop.

Yeah, I'm not paying for Wi-Fi just so you three can spend all day looking at recipes and clothing patterns and cleaning products.

Do we look like maids from "The help"?

[Sighs]

I'm not legally allowed to answer that, so...

My husband likes to be able to text me during the day.

Text you what? Jesus-faced emojis?

Happy-face Jesus, sad Jesus, flirty Jesus?

There is no flirty Jesus.

It's like we're cut off from the real world, all right?

No e-mail, no Twitter, no snapchat, no yik yak, no yo.

We can't get news.

I was a Bill Cosby fan for exactly eight hours longer than I should've been.

Look, the price only went up a little...

Bup, bup, bup. No means no, Danni.

All right? Girls need to hear that, too. don't sexually harass my decision-making process.

I'm leaving early tonight.

You're closing up, a-cups.

Whoa. Busting out the blazer.

Is it middle-school graduation already?

Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.

Very funny. You're a regular Bob hope.

Oh, I cut Bob hope's hair once in the '60s.

It was literally one hair.

And for your information, A.J., I'm sitting in the owner's box at the big game tonight.

[Clears throat]

[Clears throat] Mo...

Oh, sorry. The owner's box?

That's a big deal. How'd you get those tickets?

Well, it's none of your damn business, Mo, but since you're being so pushy, I'll tell you.

Hank Damone invited me. Hank Damone?

Like Hank Damone Nissan? From the car commercials?

[To the tune of "Barbara Ann"] ♪ Hank, Hank, Hank ♪
♪ Hank, Hank, Damone ♪

Both: ♪ Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank Damone ♪

Not my tempo, fellas.

And yes. Yes, that Hank Damone, all right?

The owner of four Nissan dealerships in the greater Boston area, two der wienerschnitzels, and a sun glass hut.

Mo.

Wow, he's huge.

How do you know Hank Damone?

Yeah. Yeah. None of your g-damn business, Mo.

But since you can't seem to keep your nose out of my tuchus today, I'll tell you.

We're both successful businessmen in the community.

We have ways of finding each other.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I have a question.

Buzzy: Uh, sure.

Who is Bob hope?

Both: [To the tune of "Barbara Ann"] ♪ Hank Damone ♪
♪ oh, Hank Damone ♪

No. Mo, Mo, Mo.

When I'm up [High-pitched] ♪ he-e-e-re ♪

[Normal voice] You got to be down [Lower] ♪ he-e-e-re ♪

[Matching pitch] ♪ Damo-o-o-one ♪

Sorry, Aje. When I'm nervous, I get pitchy.

Just give me one more sh*t.

I'm gonna sh**t both of you if I have to hear that song one more time.

Hey, is Ben really friends with that guy?

You mean... ♪ Hank, Hank, Hank, ha... ♪

I am not kidding. I will do the time.

Okay.

I don't know, Danni.

I don't know if "friends" is how I'd put it.

Friends with benefits?

No. No, no. It's nothing like that.

You know what? Forget it. I shouldn't be talking about it.

How do they know each other?

They know each other from the gym.

That's the last I'm gonna say about it.

But it's not like they actually talk, right?

I mean, it's mostly just Ben tapping him on his knee to get his attention, right?

They talk to each other all the time.

But that's the last I'm gonna say about it.

Say more.

Hank pees on him.

Do you mean like he doesn't respect Ben's opinion on things?

No. I mean he urinates all over his legs and feet.

But that's the last I'm gonna say about it.

No, no, no.

No, Mo, that's not the last you're gonna say about it.

I'm afraid that's just the beginning.

Somebody get this man a beer, please.

And, now, speak slowly, 'cause I'm taking notes.

Now, please go on.

I-I don't want to tell you guys, but carrying this around has been k*lling me.

Oh, please, tell us. For your peace of mind.

And for our personal enjoyment.

Okay. Well, you know how Ben's had a great body lately?

Weird. Okay, continue.

It's because of this old-school gym he joined.

All the guys shower together.

Racing form is down. I'm all ears.

Anyway, Hank and his cronies from the dealership are members, and when Ben's in the shower with them, he think they're laughing at his jokes, but really they're laughing because...

He's peeing on Ben's leg?

That is terrible.

I'm not smiling because of that.

I'm smiling because I'm thinking about candy.

[Chuckles]

Candy that pees on you while you're in the shower?

I got a cousin Candy in Detroit that gets paid good money to do exactly that.

Actually, Joy, ball players do it to rookies all the time.

It's like a test of character.

Separates the screamers from the criers.

How does Ben not know this terrible, terrible thing is happening?

Oh, get out of my head, Candy!

Oh...

Well, for one thing, it's not like he's gonna look down to see what's happening.

Well, why wouldn't he look down?

You don't look down in a communal shower.

Yeah, the gym shower is a strictly eyes-up situation.

We go to very different gyms.

I'm just saying.

Girlfriend, you don't go to the gym.

Like this body sculpts itself?

How do people live without Internet access?

This is like one of those caveman stories Buzzy tells about being alive in the '80s.

[Knock on door]

We're closed.

Robin: It's Robin, Rhonda, Rita, and Rosalee.

Rhonda: And Rhonda!

I said Rhonda, you deaf idiot.

Hi. Thanks. Hey!

Hello. Hi.

Rita: Aha!

I left my Fanny pack in here.

I did some smart bedazzling.

Ooh, that looks wonderful.

Unbelievable.

Maybe it's a blessing we don't have Wi-Fi.

You stole our slutty hayride summer.

Hey, you snooze, you lose.

[Laughter]

Pbht, pbht! [Laughs]

Sorry, Danni.

We needed something to wear tonight.

We're going to denim and diamonds in marblehead.

It's singles' night.

You know what they say... "Save a horse, ride a cowboy."

[Laughter]

Yeah! And guess what, we're gonna save a lot of horses.

Ohh!

[Laughs]

Yeah!

Wow. One size really does fit all.

There are like six networks around here, and they're all locked.

But if we worked next door at tattoo U, we'd have a strong signal.

Well, why don't we just go next door and ask Travis for his password?

Because then we'd have to talk to Travis.

Well, what's wrong with Travis?

Besides the fact that he's a smarmy pervert?

Lots of things.

Yeah, he's so gross and sexual.

You haven't noticed that?

No, he's very sweet to me. He's generous.

Last winter, he offered me his wood every day.

I never even told him I had a fireplace.

We stand corrected.

I'm gonna go over there tomorrow and ask him for his password.

You think maybe we should explain...

Give a girl a fish, she will eat for a day.

Send her to the pervert next door, we'll have Wi-Fi for a lifetime.

Oh, hey, Mo.

What are you doing here?

Got a day pass. Thought I'd get a workout in.

I don't believe you.

I think you're just here to see Ben get peed on.

Mo, do you really think I would go two bus stops past where I work for the sole purpose of watching Ben get humiliated by someone he thinks is his friend?

No, I guess not.

Are you kidding me?

I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more, just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles to see Ben get peed on.

This is my Christmas, Mo.

Ben: Hey. Great workout today, Hank.

Oh, my god, they're coming.I feel like a girl at a one direction concert.

Hank: Right back at you, Benny.

We got to hide. We got to hide. Go, go, go, go, go!

I just hope I'm not too tired to bang this guy's wife.

[Laughter]

I hope not. Somebody needs to.

Hey, I call next, huh?

Hey, take a number.

Ahh. So fun, you know?

Successful guys having guy time, making jokes about banging each other's wives.

[Laughter]

So, Ben, why don't you tell these two jag offs that joke you told me about the butcher?

Oh.

Watch.

Hank's gonna shift his body towards Ben and then, as the rappers say, "make it rain."

That's not what "make it rain" means.

All right, so, did you hear what happened to the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?

No, tell us.

He got a little behind in his work.

[Laughter]

Little behind in his work!

[Laughter]

Oh, I was so wrong.

This is way better than Christmas.

Hey. I got the password.

Really?

Yeah.

I'll be right back.

Okay, what did you have to say, do, or touch to get it?

Absolutely nothing.

I just asked him nicely, and he wrote it on this piece of paper.

It just goes to show, if you assume the worst in people, that's what you're gonna get.

But if you assume that all people are good and kind, then that's what you get.

[Chuckles]

And that's a dancing penis.

Is, uh... Is that case sensitive?

We got to do something about Ben.

I know.

But how can we get everyone from the shop into the locker room tomorrow to watch it happen?

A.J., don't you feel at all bad?

I mean, maybe a tiny bit.

Then you're a tiny bit better man than I.

Come on, you guys.

Know what, I'm joking.

We'll do something.

Buzzy's right.

Someone's got to tell Ben what's going on.

Why you doing that? It's the universal sign for "not it."

Ohhh, looks like it's got to be you, A.J.

Me? Why would it be me?

You're his best friend. Why can't you tell him?

Well, for one, I'm not it.

Those are just the rules.

And besides, the thought of seeing Ben's face, his sweet round face, knowing I kept this from him...

Buzzy, I'm sorry, I got to take that finger back.

All right, lunch break's over.

And by the way, when you take too long a break, I get pissed off.

Well, better off than on.

All right, come on. Let's go. Back to work.

Ben, can I talk to you?

Yeah, sure. Make it quick.

I saw you this morning at the gym in shower.

Bet you were pleasantly surprised, weren't you?

And it's not just an optical illusion like one of those posters where the dolphin's coming right at you.

Listen, I need to tell you about your friend Hank.

What about him?

Your relationship with Hank is not like a relationship between one friend and another.

Okay. What's it like?

Well, it's more like the relationship between a dog and a fire hydrant.

What? A dog pisses on a fire hydrant.

Ah, I see what this is. And what is this?

This is when losers from high school become winners in life, and winners from high school become losers.

You know, we've had our stuff over the years, A.J., and it's clear to me that you're still trying to make me feel like a loser.

But guess what, slim Jim?

Um... I'm a winner now.

And I'm friends with other winners.

So deal with it.

All right. Yeah, that's great.

But, uh, just do me a favor.

Next time your BFF Hank laughs at one of your jokes in the shower, take a look down.

What? I'm not gonna look down.

You never look down. Everyone knows that.

Although I don't mind if someone sneaks a peek in my direction, for obvious reasons.

#cokecan,#blessed...

You know what I'm saying?

So, the first guy says,

"I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."

And the second guy goes, "well, what did you say to your wife?"

Hey, this sounds like a joke about you, Nicky.

[Laughter]

Go on. All right.

So, the first guy goes,

"I told her to pack her bags and get out."

And the second guy goes, "well, what did you say to your best friend?"

And the first guy goes, "I said, 'bad dog.'"

[laughter] Bad dog!

His best friend!

[Laughter continues]

[Door bells jingle]

Damn, it smells like peroxide and daddy issues in here.

Charmaine.

Travis, I need you to do something for me.

But first I need you to back up before my r*pe whistle blows itself.

Okay. We're dancing.

We're dancing. [Laughs]

Oh. You finally ready to get a tattoo on you?

'Cause I got a special on rabbit tracks that go down your back and disappear in your cr*ck.

Rabbit tracks?

Well, it could be any animal, but rabbits make it super cute.

I don't want a tattoo.

How about a piercing?

Nipple are two for one.

Let me just cut straight to the chase.

What's it gonna take to get the Wi-Fi password from you?

Ohh, okay.

A woman who knows what she wants.

Me likey.

Uh, what's it gonna take?

Uh... Have sex with me.

Okay, that's not gonna happen.

But a negotiation has to start somewhere.

How about you give me the password, and I'll tie you up and b*at the sh*t out of you.

Oh, ho!

Ooh, a romantic.

I like that kind of music.

Uh, what about this... We both get naked, you put me in a burlap sack, cut a little hole in it, pull my junk through it, flick it with a number-two pencil, then do the b*ating, then I give you the password.

You give me the password, I'll put you in a burlap sack and tie you up.

No hole, no nudity, no junk.

But I will b*at the sh*t out of you.

Burlap sack, tie me up, hole, just the tip, two flicks with the pencil, and, of course [Clicks tongue] the b*ating.

Burlap sack, tie you up, no hole, no tip, two pencil flicks over the sack...

Burlap, not ball... And one hell of a b*ating.

Add one sweet kiss and you've got a deal.

[Door bells jingle] No deal.

He wanted too much.

It's upsetting. don't make me talk about it.

Talk about what?

Oh, nothing.

We're just trying to get a Wi-Fi password...

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Why, 'cause it's technology and you think I'm in my early hundreds?

Yes.

You don't want my help?

Fine, I won't give you my help.

[Sighs] Seriously?

You can't get a stupid password out of the guy?

You think it's so easy? You do it.

He's a monster.

A monster with a talent for drawing things that'll haunt your memory.

Ugh, fine. I'll do it.

[Sighs]

Bring this.

Why do I need a number-two pencil?

Don't ask.

Look, I did everything I could, all right?

I told him about Hank but he just wouldn't believe me.

Yeah, I get it.

I mean, who would believe such a thing?

No offense, Buzzy, but I think peeing on another man is disgusting.

What do you mean "no offense"?

You think because I'm gay I enjoy peeing on other men in the shower?

I-I'm sorry. I just don't know what you guys do.

[Clears throat]

Hey, uh, buzz, you got, um, a customer downstairs.

And, uh, you were right ... about Hank.

It was disgusting and humiliating, and, um, we never have to talk about it ever again.

All right?

Like, "never" never?

What? That's just gonna be very hard for me.

Sure. Laugh it up.

I'm sure it's easy for a guy like you.

What? Come on, Mo. don't make that face, please.

I was just having some fun with him, all right?

Now he knows, won't go back to the gym, end of story.

Oh, A.J., A.J., A.J., A.J., A.J.

Sweet, popular, high-school hero, never-been-peed-on A.J.

That's not how this story ends at all.

That's my best friend. I know him better than anybody.

And Ben'll be right back at that gym tomorrow letting the same thing happen.

What? No, he won't.

Why would he possibly go back there?

Oh, A.J., A.J., handsome, sinewy, never-needed-braces A.J.

Wait, wait. I'm sorry.

You really think I'm handsome? You really, really do?

A.J., now's not the time for your wry, clever wit.

And yes.

Ben's spent his entire life trying to be accepted by guys like Hank Damone.

By guys like you and Hank Damone.

And he's willing to trade his dignity to do it.

It's hard to understand for guys like you and me.

Can you define "guys like you and me"?

You know, popular kids.

Baseball star. Needlepoint prodigy.

The point is, deep down, Ben's still the same kid who's willing to do almost anything to belong.

Yeah. You know, I-I never thought about it like that.

Well, now you know.

Hey, my wife suggested couples counseling.

For you and her or Hank and her?

[Laughter]

So, Ben, why so quiet?

Where are the jokes?

Oh, yeah.

Um... I don't know if I know any more, Hank, so...

Oh, so tell the butcher one again.

I love that joke.

Yeah, I mean, I-I guess I could tell that one again if you guys really want to hear it.

Yeah. Guys got room for one more?

What are you doing here?

I just worked out, all right?

I'm gonna take a show-ow-ow wow!

[Groans]

Come on, Ben, tell your joke.

You don't have to tell a joke, Ben.

No, it's fine. He likes my jokes. I can tell him a joke.

Yeah, but seriously. You know you don't have to.

You're better than that.

Hey, what is your problem?

Why do you hate jokes so much?

I don't.

I just think if anyone should be telling jokes in here, it should be the one famous celebrity.

[Chuckles]

I mean, I don't know about famous.

But, uh, okay. Here it goes.

Why did the nun have such a high cellphone bill?

Uh... I-I-I don't know, Hank.

Why... why did the nun have such a high cellphone bill?

Because she was a "roamin'" catholic.

[Laughter]

Your wives sure as hell aren't nuns!

[Sighs] Look, I want to thank you again for what you did at the gym today.

Oh, don't mention it, man.

And if anyone ever tries to do that to you again, I will be there.

Thanks, man.

Oh, I didn't say I would help you, I just meant I would be there.

You should've let him.

I'm not gonna let some perv pierce my nipples just to get free Wi-Fi from tattoo U.

Wimp.

You guys ever try "rolling stones"?

What are you talking about?

As a password?

"Tattoo you" was an album by the stones.

If I was dumb tattoo guy, I might think that was pretty clever.

Come on Buzz, I don't think people our age would actually do It works! We have Wi-Fi again.

What!

You're a genius.

Thanks Buzzy Yeah, not bad for a guy who was born before answering machines.

What's an answering machine?