01x04 - I'll Never Be Batman

[bunniefuu]

(theme music playing)

President Navarro: That's fine.

That satellite will be obsolete by the time it's delivered.

What else does Raja want?

Yeah, a membership to Augusta National.

This reads like Satan's f*cking Christmas list.

Walter, I need you to get into the ambulance, please.

Also one Ohio-class ballistic nuclear submarine.

What?

They could park that thing off Coney Island and nuke every city on the eastern seaboard.

Come on, come on.

It's just a wish list.

You start with this, you whittle it down to what's realistic.

Well, the day I play 18 holes behind the head of Pakistan's secret police is the day I eat my g*dd*mn putter!

Walter, please get in the ambulance.

Guys, I just landed in India. And in a few minutes, I'm going to tell the Indian foreign minister that we're all good, we're putting Raja in power, and hope that backs them away from w*r with Pakistan.

Now, Larson, you're in the wrong g*dd*mn country.

You should be in Israel laying the groundwork for a joint strike op.

Okay, Pierce, let's play this out.

Kashmir has three borders... India, Pakistan, China.

India invades Pakistan, Pakistan pushes back.

China sides with their ally, Pakistan.

Now you've got a ground w*r not between two nuclear powers, but three! Walter, ambulance, now!

Anyone else see the opening ceremonies at the Beijing Olympics?

Those synchronized drummers?

Yeah, they were good.

f*cking terrifying! Imagine if they applied that same level of focus to their standing army of seven point f*ck-me million!

All right, Walter, I'm listening.

India is down a surveillance drone.

Get some planes in the air and get me recon on Zaman's troops.

That'll grease the wheels here.

Fine. Pierce will authorize.

I will?

Great! I'll be getting to work.

Sir, your kidney stone is blocking fluid from reaching your bladder.

If we wait any longer, you risk your urinary tract bursting and sending urine all over your vital organs.

That sounds gross.

Kendra, get Rakesh on the phone. Tell him we're on our way.

But your urinary tract is about to...

Kendra, Indian foreign minister, now!

Interpreter: And with these decrees, we free ourselves from the last vestiges of British imperialist rule and demotion of English as an official language, and an immediate ban of driving on the left-hand side of the road.

This guy's turning out to be quite the progressive.

(buzzing)

Mr. Secretary?

Sir, it's probably me he wants to speak with.

He's the Secretary of State. I am the ambassador to Pakistan.

Have a seat, Talbot.

Yes, Walter, fill me in.

Hey, Bob, put me on speaker.

Okay.

(beeps)

Okay, here's the deal.

Talbot's my guy. You're not my guy, Bob.

You're only there because you introduced Bush 43 to Jesus.

Whether or not that makes you personally responsible for everything we've done post 9-11, well, that's for Judgment Day, which I'm sure you've marked on your calendar with some sort of smiley face.

Until then, you're going to see that Talbot gets everything he needs.

Sound good, Bob?

Mr. Secretary, but I...

- Take me off speaker, Talbot.

Yes, sir.

Don't worry, I'm sure when the smoke clears, you'll be glad you went into Iraq.

(beeps)

Nothing I'm about to say gets repeated, especially to that guy.

Makes sense.

I think I can pull Augusta out of a hat, but the nuclear sub is a non-starter.

Tell him everything else is on the table, though.

And if he balks?

Negotiate.

Any international-diplomacy tips you can lay on me?

It's easy. Just leave him thinking he got everything he wanted even when he didn't. Convince him he won.

Mm-hmm. And how will I know if I did that?

He won't k*ll you. Now when's the rendezvous?

Uh, unclear. We didn't exactly make any plans, and he didn't give me a contact number.

Figure it out fast!

We're running out of time.

Are you still my guy?

Oh, I'm your guy. I can do this.

Good. Now in your embassy, there is a room... 304A, as in albatross. Ask for Leonard.

Leonard?

He'll make sure you don't go into this thing unarmed.

Now when you say "unarmed"...

Good luck.

(phone clicks)

Thank you.

Dougan: You'll all be briefed in the air, but it looks like armed recon over the Kashmir border.

Let's move, ladies. Move, move, move!

Soldier: Let's go.

Hey, you didn't tell Ashley?

I don't think I thought this through very well.

All right, lay it on me, man. That's why I'm here.

Well, if I tell her I'm having a child with another woman, that's not going to make her feel, you know, good.

Yeah, well, I hear that.

Because I think my promise to move to Los Angeles and raise our children could possibly be misinterpreted as me wanting to get back together with her.

That's a good point.

Well, I don't want to lead her on.

But if I tell her about my second family, she's going to think I only wanted her to be in LA so that I could be in San Diego with Gail, and that's really going to play with her emotions.

Especially 'cause it's true.

So that got me thinking about never telling her, and how ignorance is bliss, and about Bruce Wayne, right?

'Cause he's a good guy.

Oh, he's the best.

And when he's with a woman, he's not like, "I'm Batman."

No.

And when Batman's with a girl, he's not like, "I'm Bruce Wayne."

Hell no.

He might show her the Batcave, but he's never going to take her to the mansion.

He keeps that sh*t split.

So LA's going to be my mansion, San Diego's going to be my Batcave.

And I-5's going to be my fire pole I slide down to get from one to the other.

Well, so far this holds water.

I gotta come clean, huh?

Yeah, pretty much.

sh*t.

Hello, I'm looking for Le...

This is from Walter Larson.

Uh, okay.

How much is in here?

$80 million in thousand-dollar bills.

Dictators love 'em. They can frame them, give them to their friends. Good for Swiss banks, bad for everything else.

Look, that's Grover Cleveland.

So I just... Do I sign this out or do you need to see my driver's license?

Good luck.

Whoa, what's in the bag?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Now we need to find a phone number for Raja, then find a place to meet that isn't public or owned by the US government.

That seems easy enough.

Which one of you is Alex Talbot?

He is.

Come with us, please.

Here's the thing...

Not a choice.

Hey, hey, hey!

Can you do this?

(elevator beeps)

Yes.

Sir, are you okay? You're sweating.

It's 118 degrees.

Outside. In here it's freezing.

It is?

Yes.

f*ck.

Welcome to New Delhi, Mr. Secretary.

Mr. Foreign Minister, it's an honor to be here.

I hope we can put the past few days behind us.

When we last spoke, you used a phrase that I took as a personal insult.

But in looking up this phrase, I now realize there are many idioms in your language that I need to learn... Half-cocked among them.

(whimpers)

(high-pitched wheezing)

What is this sound?

Rakesh, I need you to pull your troops away from the disputed border in Kashmir.

(whimpering)

No, Pakistan blew our drone out of the sky.

They take Kashmir, what is to stop them from blowing up New Delhi?

About 28 NATO allies.

Zaman is a crazy man.

Zaman has SRBMs pointed directly at us right now.

Nuclear weapons! And if that is his approach, you can imagine our response.

(whimpering)

(high-pitched crying)

Are you well?

Ahem.

I am organizing a counter-coup to remove Zaman from power and replace him with Haroon Raja, his half-brother.

Raja will withdraw the troops from the disputed border in Kashmir and deescalate this m*therf*cker.

We have a saying in India...

"Do not trust Pakistan."

I'm not asking you to trust Pakistan, I'm asking you to trust me.

Then we have nothing to talk about.

I'm sorry you came all this way.

Should we take our picture now?

What if I stay in New Delhi until Zaman is removed from power?

That'll take the target off your back.

Then if Zaman blows up New Delhi, he'll have to take out the US Secretary of State and have to deal with the consequences.

Human shield, huh?

Yes, sir.

I will take this offer to my prime minister.

Excellent.

(wheezes)

Hey, I think we're done here.

Okay, where is your nearest hospital?

Ahh!

(Pakistani music playing)

(honking)

Which side of the road are you people driving on now?

Guys?

(man shouting)

Seriously, make up your f*cking minds!

Come on!

Fellas?

Pick a side of the road. Jesus.

Just tell me where the hell we're going.

You're headed to Baghdad. Ambassador's orders.

What? No, okay! Look, I understand that you guys aren't exactly wired for empathy, but you need to know that I've been tasked by the Secretary of State to stave off nuclear... Are you guys even...

You're tuning me out, aren't you?

Hmm? No, keep talking. We're listening.

(screaming)

You okay?

What the... f*ck!

Oh.

(Pakistani music playing)

Shakira!

Shakira. Shakira.

Man: Hammer 1-9, this is flight op.

Have you made contact with any Pakistani troop positions?

Negative. We've crossed the border, but ground is obscured.

Descending through the goo to floor of 1-5-0.

Copy that, Hammer 1-9.

So you tell Ashley and she's cool with it...

Yes, I like it.

She's understanding, man.

She doesn't think you're trying to get back together with her.

She respects my honesty.

Yeah, she even thinks you're a good guy, not abandoning Gail's baby. Sorta makes you look like a martyr.

So far, so good.

And Gail never has to know you're still in love with Ashley.

Am I right?

Oh, crap.

Sorry, man.

Thought that was obvious.

Oh, sh*t, man. Flak, flak, flak!

We're taking flak!

Flight Op, we've made contact with recon target.

Mr. President, I've just received official word from the Indian prime minister that their troops will pull back from Kashmir.

I got to tell you, Walter, you really came through on this.

Thank you, sir.

Human-shield idea was inspired, in Kissinger territory.

Stay there as long as you need.

(wheezes)

How long have you had this pain?

I don't know. A few weeks.

Weeks? (screaming in Hindi)

(nurses screaming)

Excuse me? milligram Thromycin...

Sorry, I don't speak Hindi.

Is everything okay?

Good luck with your surgery.

Everyone here wishes you a speedy recovery.

Thanks. I really appreciate the kind words.

What the f*ck was that?

Something weird is going on with the president.

Find out what it is.

No, I don't want to leave you.

I'll be fine, go.

(whimpering)

(phone ringing)

I was just about to call you.

Has he gone under yet?

Moments away, finally.

All right, make sure the doctors know he's allergic to Ceclor.

He had a reaction to it as a child,

- but better to be safe.

Yeah, I already told them.

You're very good.

Also, when he comes to, tell him I've been officially confirmed as DOD General Counsel.

Great. So that's what you want me to tell him, the moment he wakes up?

He's going to find out pretty damn quickly.

At least he'll be sedated.

Excuse me, excuse me!

Get the f*ck out of the way. Come on.

Excuse me. Uh, bup, bup! Beep, beep, beep!

Excuse me, no...

(shouting) Shakira.

(shouting)

(man continues shouting)

Please.

Out of my f*cking way. Get out, get out.

Hey, bicycle man, I want to buy your bicycle. I want to buy your bicycle. $1,000. Look, money. Yes, it's good. You take it. It's real.

Israel?

Yeah. Oh, what the f*ck are you...

No, no, no, not Israel!

(shouting)

Here you go, all of my money. Look at that, $18. There you go, $18.

(shouting in Urdu)

Yeah, there you go.

Great job. Yeah, I know.

You made out like a bandit. Thank you.

Hey, Talbot! Let me through, let me through.

Beep, beep! Out of my way.

Beep, beep, beep!

Okay, Walter, time for you to go to sleep.

Can you count back from 10 for me?

10, nine...

This is an operating room!

Pierce is on his way to Tel Aviv.

The president is losing patience.

The recon planes you sent out can't get low enough to sh**t footage.

They're taking too much flak.

He gave Pierce the go-ahead for an Israeli joint strike.

They're sidelining you.

Pierce, that m*therf*cker...

(muttering) f*ck... fucker...

Okay, it's penis time.

(phone ringing)

Rafiq: I'm pretty sure that's for me!

Hello, Massoud residence. Hassan speaking.

This is Alex Talbot.

Rafiq is not here. Goodbye.

Yeah, where are you? What's going on?

Doesn't matter. Listen, I'm hoping if the ISI is listening to your fax line, they're also listening to your phone line, and if they are, hello, I need to meet with General Raja at this residence as soon as possible.

Okay, Alex, the ISI is not the NSA, okay?

There's not someone sitting at some server farm live-monitoring our conversation.

(man speaking Urdu)

He says they'll be here in 40 minutes.

(man speaks Urdu)

50 if there's traffic.

Yes! Okay. I'm on my way, baby.

Oh, God, let's take these f*cking pictures and get the hell out of this!

I do love Ashley.

But I love my unborn child, too.

He's not even a person yet and I love him.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

But even if Ashley loves me back, the more I raise this kid, the more I'm going to bond with Gail.

f*ck Ashley! f*ck Gail!

Plus how am I going to pay for three kids?

I don't make enough to pay for two right now.

I'm going to have to work all day and all night.

m*therf*cker!

Can I really work that much and still make time to be a good father?

God, nobody gives a sh*t!

(plane wheezing)

Uh, Zeke?

What is the answer, man?

I think we just lost something.

(alarm sounding)

Oh, one of our f*cking wings is on fire!

There's no escape.

We're punching out.

Oh, sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Stand by!

Oh, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

I'll never be Batman.

(shouting)

Again, I'm so sorry.

No, I feel responsible.

Oooh.

If I'd known about your medical condition...

Ahem.

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

Kendra? Eh...

Look, don't try to speak.

I will have her reassigned before she gets too clingy.

Oh, no, no, don't. She's a smart woman.

She's good at her job. She's good at sex.

Why don't you go into my wallet, find her dress size, buy her something nice one size smaller? (chuckles)

Women like that.

Maybe let's wait for the meds to wear off before we commit to anything actionable?

Yeah. (chuckles)

(laughs)

You're so smart.

Yeah, I... I know you.

Also, sir, your wife called.

Oh.

What'd she say?

She just wanted to make sure you were doing okay.

Oh, she's a good woman.

I like her.

Can I have the phone, please?

You know, maybe let's drink some fluids.

No, give me phone now.

Walter, maybe it's not the best time to call Joanne.

Ple...

(beeps)

Walter: Hello, Israel.

I'm not allowed to talk to you.

How long do I have before Pierce gets there and you guys f*ck everything up?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Are you drunk dialing me again?

I'm on my way, Talia.

I'll see you soon.

Goodbye, Walter.

(beeps)

Hold my catheter. Gas up the jet.

We're breaking out!

Oh, God.

Naeema: Stop coming to my house.

My family is risking their lives for you.

I know. You guys are awesome.

No, you don't get it!

They don't have a choice now.

There is no going back for us.

You have made us Raja's co-conspirators.

If you have us start a failed coup from this living room, we will all be k*lled.

Well, you know, to be fair, Raja was going to k*ll you if this thing goes south anyway.

What?

I'm sorry, I didn't have time to consult you, but things were moving very fast and I had to improvise, which is my strength, but it's going to work, because we are the righteous and we are the good.

(banging)

Congratulations.

We are now officially co-conspirators.

This is a signed first edition of my novel.

(banging) I've heard Raja is a big fan.

Could you give it to him?

Seriously?

You want to literally leave a paper trail?

(banging)

You f*ck this up, and they will have risked their lives for nothing.

What the f*ck are you wearing?

Go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go, go!

(bellows)

(sighs)

Jammer!

India will be fine. They're natural pacifists.

They never threw the first punch.

♪ We gotta dtops that sh*t before it starts.

I took your promise to my prime minister!

He thinks you are our human shield.

Now I have to go back to him * of horse sh*t!

What are supposed to do if you keep taking us in the ass?

You're not taking anyone in the ass, Rakesh.

We're going to do whatever it takes to protect the Indian people.

You're going to withdraw your troops, and I'm going to give you 4.4 billion reasons why.

You Americans always think you can convince the world of your delusional righteousness.

You misunderstand.

Your country exports $4.4 billion in pharmaceuticals to my country each year. And from personal experience, they work great. But you inch any closer to Pakistan, and I will have the FDA inspect your factories, find violations and ban imports.

You cannot do that.

Yes, I can.

But I'm a nice guy, so I'm not going to ban imports.

Instead, I'm going to end the 10% import tax your pharma guys currently pay.

I'm gonna extend that deal for 10 years, saving your largest industry the grand total of?

$4.4 billion.

Oh, my God.

Are you relieving yourself?

It's involuntary.

We cannot let Pakistan think they can sh**t down our drone and we will do nothing!

How high was your drone flying?

45,000 feet.

Do you really think Pakistan has the technology to sh**t down a drone at that altitude?

You sh*t down our drone?

Don't tell me you weren't thinking it.

(vibrating)

I think it's the president.

Accidents happen. Excuse me.

Mr. President? Yes, sir, thank you for asking.

I'm very fine, thank you.

I want you to rest a few days in that hospital.

Mr. President, I'm ready to go back to serving the American people.

You said you were going to stay in India, and that's exactly what you're going to do.

This isn't a dialogue.

But, sir...

God damn it, Walter!

Of course.

I apologize for jumping the g*n.

I will stay here as long as is required.

Damn right you will.

Yes, sir.

So where are we at, Rakesh?

We will withdraw our troops, but you'd better put Haroon Raja in power.

That I can promise.

Kendra, on the plane.

Wait, what?

We're going to Tel Aviv.

Wait, is that what the president said?

Wheels up!

Grover Cleveland?

Consider Mr. Cleveland a down payment.

(sighs)

Now what about the rest of my list?

I got good news and bad news.

Which do you want first?

The good news is better. Let's go with the good news.

Augusta National? You are in.

Really?

Mmm.

*

It wasn't easy.

He's not supposed to give me that.

That is my impossible request.

That is the insane thing I push for but then reluctantly give up in favor of what would actually break this deal...

My nuclear submarine.

Did he mention my sub?

Mm-hmm, he did.

Yes, he did.

You're all good there, too.

Then what is the bad news?

That I'm sure your mother will not be pleased, Zaman being your brother and all.

That's the bad news.

Unless she's not alive. Then it's all good.

You make jokes about my dead mother?

No, no, no.

(laughs)

Now I am joking with you.

I hated that c**t.

Hmm.

I have worked to earn my brother's trust.

It has not been fun.

But as a result, please tell my good friend Walter there will be a new leader of Pakistan within 24 hours.

(sighs)

As an emissary of the United States of America, thanks big time.

I know you took many risks.

Where I come from, this type of sacrifice does not go unacknowledged.

We're not supposed to do this, but I don't want to insult your people.

Ah.

I read this one.

Derivative. Like a poor man's Clive Cussler.

f*cking Augusta National.

Eisenhower...

Quick question.

What happens when Haroon Raja never gets that sub?

(whispers) I don't know.

(cows mooing)

Hey, hey!

Jammer!

Jammer! Over here!

Zeke!

Yes! Ha!

Z-Pac!

Glenn!

I'm coming!

Yes, buddy!

Oh, my God!

Zeke, I'm coming!

Oh, sh*t...

Oh, sh*t, no! No, no, no!

Z-Pac!

Glenn!

I see you!

Stop! There are land mines!

I'm coming!

There's land mines!

I know, I'm coming!

No, seriously, stop!

Go low, go low!

Stop! There's f*cking mines!

I'm serious!

Stay low, stay low!

Stop!

I'm here!

(both shouting)

Oh!

Oh, God!

(both sighing)

Oh, thank God.

(g*ns cocking)

(both screaming in Pashto)

Oh, holy sh*t, Z-Pac.

That's all right, that's all right.

(screaming)

It's gonna be all right.

(cow moos)

(cow pieces falling)

(thud)