02x06 - Season 2, Episode 6

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Doll & Em".Aired: February 2014 to March 2014.
"Doll & Em" is about an actress named Em heading to Hollywood, closely followed by best friend Doll as they navigate their friendship once Em hires Doll to be her assistant.
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02x06 - Season 2, Episode 6

Post by bunniefuu »

Guys, they've just texted! They're waiting on the corner! Quick!

Eddie?! April?! What are you doing?!

Please, guys! I'm already very late!

It's the last rehearsal before invited dress, and if you miss Josh and Tilly it's really going to screw my day up, okay?!

Hello?! Can anyone hear me?!

Honestly! This is serious!

Okay, come down right f*cking now or I am really going to lose my shit!

I'm so sorry.

Doll is, too.

None so far.

Get my throat results today.

Oh. Could any of it be any more grim?


I've just ruined everything. I should just go home to my mum.

Come on. They'll have read the changes we made last night.

Hopefully, they'll really like them.

We'll just... get there and... and lock everything down for tonight's performance, you know, and it's all going to be good.

Yeah, you're right.

You are right.

Oh, thank you.



Did you just fly in?


Why did we not see each other?

Oh, I took a sleeping pill. I was out the whole way.

More comfortable than my bed at home!

How did you get your seat to go back that far?

Were you in economy?

Can't remember.


Hey, Penny! Hi.


Let me get these bags.

So, you're up in the guest room, and, Teresa, I think you'll be staying down with Dolly, downstairs.

Well, hello to you, too.

Let me just get these.

How was your flight?


I slept all the way. Mmm!



Oh, don't do that. Give me a second, will you?

I'll be right there for it.

Down to the basement, silly old woman from nowhere.

Stuff that he would never be able to defend!

Oh, look! Look! Look who decided to grace us with their presence!

I'm sorry, did we... did we tear you away from a gossip in the bathroom?

No, no, it's fine! We only have six hours till curtain up, and, and head lice!

Head lice?! Is that why I'm scratching my head like I can't f*cking stop?!

"Motherhood does not suit Lilly slash Olivia. Once full of charm and humour, all that's funny about this woman now are her clothes."

I mean, what's the story, girls, huh?

You guys just go home, you write a bunch of mean stuff because you're jealous?!

Is that what's going on?!




Would this be an appropriate time to call you both c**ts?

(Both) Yes.

You guys are so spoiled.

You have an entire theatre here full of people ready to put on your play, and you just...

No, no, you just... "Oh, I'm so completely kamikaze! Oh, at least if my vertigo comes back I can crawl around on stage and distract from the seamless drivel we've written!"

And what is that?! I mean, is talking to a journalist like that a rookie move on your part or is it just some kind of f*cked up manipulation?

Doll... how could you press Sam without reading it first?

I mean, I know you're new to this, but that is a seriously rookie move.

It said "Joanne's Gift - new draft", so I sent it, and if you're going to write such childish and vitriolic things about our cast members, perhaps you should give the file a different name, like...

"Top secret".

I didn't write it. I think I was hacked.

That's actually... that can happen, a lot.

Ugh. I mean, come on, let's just face it...

Em has never been into this project, especially when the space film came along.

Which you lost me.

Oh, God. This is excruciating.

Doll got obsessed by Ewan McGregor quite early on after she shagged him in the loo.

So, she checked out.

I don't think I shagged him.

This was the worst possible idea, but I was such a fan of hers!

I know you probably think the nets come from my kids, but really Doll brought them from home. Didn't you Doll?

It's endemic in the UK.

Mothers don't even bother to delouse their children because they know they're just going to get re-infested immediately.

Wow. Loyalty for your country much!

When did you start calling it "the UK"?

I know. I was lying to myself. I know.

I told you she was boring.

It was you.

You were the boring one!

Sorry? You think I'm the boring one?

It was you! Yes!

You think I'm boring?

No, hang on a second. Who's the boring one?

(Both) It was you.

No, but who are you pointing at? Are you pointing at her?

Me or her?

Look, ladies, please, let's just...

Could I have two minutes alone with our respected actresses, and would the creators, please, give us the stage?

It's so embarrassing. I'm so sorry.


We're awful.

Hey, look, it's okay. It's okay.

We're all... we'll... we'll figure it out.

From the second we came in to audition, it just screamed of Andy Warhol.

This has been quite the roller coaster.

I have been looking for meaning in this play literally everywhere!

I even thought I found it in Noah's f*cking beard for a second!

[Doll sobbing]

Please, don't cry.

God! You're so controlling!

It's your fault I'm pregnant!

How did I manage that?

Well, you... you just ignored me! You drove me to it!

Well, it's your fault I've got throat cancer.

Oh, my God. Okay, good, you win.

Oh, God. I feel so ashamed.

Poor Olivia.

Mum, you should have seen her face. She really looked hurt.

She thinks English people don't take anything seriously.

Nonsense. We take the important things in life very seriously, like fox-hunting.

You can't smoke in here, Mum.

Oh, God. Where can one smoke in this city?

You can't even smoke in Central Park.

Why haven't you got throat cancer?

It's so unfair.

You smoke while you're playing tennis.

There's no pleasure in life worth giving up for two more years in an old people's home.

And of course you haven't got throat cancer. Don't be ridiculous.

It's the doctor's office.


Yes, it's me.

Okay. Yes, thank you.

Thank you.

Yes, I will.

I think they're being unreasonable. It was a dare.

I'm too old for dares, Mum. What writer does that?

Well, you can give it all up now anyway, buy a lovely house near me, get a live in.

It's wonderful news. You won't have to worry about money if you're really sure he is the father.

It's not wonderful news. It's a disaster. My dreams are over.

Oh, enough about dreams.

Hey. Is... is there any... any sign, because it's getting quite, erm...


"We're out, ladies."

"It's your show. Own it."

Okay. Okay.

Don't... Don't panic.


Okay. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go outside and say, it's, erm, that because there's been some technical hitches, er, instead of a play, er, we're just going to give them a glass of champagne and have a party on the stage.

So, shall we...?

I think what you should say is that... due to a few technical hitches... we're going to be ten minutes late starting the performance.


Doll, we can do this.

We can't do this. I mean, you're going to get vertigo.

You're not going to be able to get on the platform.

You're going to try and jump out into the audience.

I don't know what you're talking about! [chuckles]

I really want to. I can't. I can't. I don't know the lines. I... I can't do this.

I... I feel like I'm a nightmare.

We're the only ones who can do it.

We are.

No offence, but this dress fit way better on Olivia.

I'm sure. Yeah.

It's just a wider girth.

It's children.

Kids... yeah.

Erm... there's not much I can do.

Oh, no worries. Well, I'm okay if you're okay. Are you good?

Well, as good as I'm going to be.


Two minutes.
I'm feeling a bit nervous about the boat.

Just put the boat on.

No...no, I just... I don't really Just put it on. understand the boat. That's the problem.

I... I think Evan might have been right about the beard and the boat.

I... I just feel a little bit... Oh, Virginia Woolf!

What was she talking about?!

What are you doing to me?

Is this f*cking amateur night?

Y-you... shhh! Don't be so mean!

Who are you anyway?!

Who am I?

I'm a f*cking professional is who I am! Who the f*ck are you?!

Okay, I came here for Olivia and Evan.

Okay. Okay. Don't. No.

Sorry. I'm wearing the boat.

Just wear the f*cking boat!

I am wearing it!

Yes! Shut up!

You wear the f*cking boat.

Just keep the boat on!


No. I don't think so.


No. I don't like it.

I don't like it.

Where's the edge?

I don't like it.

I don't like it.

I don't like it at all.

Emily. Hey.


Are you okay?

No, not really.

What's going on?

I'm feeling unbalanced on this platform.

No, no. Listen, Emily...

I think I'd like to go home.



Listen, it's an honour to play your son.

God! I wish my own son would say that!

You know, honestly, all kids are down on their own parents these days.

It's natural.

I don't think most parents shout as much at their kids as I do.

I thought it was throat cancer.

Oh, God.

No, but it's not.

Oh, what a relief.

I know. It's just a... it's just a... a swollen larynx or something.

He said I should stop shouting as much as I do.

Oh, God. How embarrassing is that?

You're going to do great. Okay?


Thank you. Oh, yeah. You, too.

Break a leg.



It's going to be okay. It's going to be all right.

I like your shoes.

Oh, thanks. Thanks!


Yeah, I know. I love them.

Are you English?


Yeah, thought so.

Me... look, me too.

Help. I can't...

I can't even look.

Oh, God. It's coming back.


I thought you were English.

How come?

Your... your shoes, and you're not very spatially aware.

[Em giggles]

What... what are you doing in New York?

I've come to find my sister.

You lost her?

She ran away from home.

I want to find my sister.

I'll go in disguise if I have to.

You finish it. No, you have it.

I'd hoped for more, I s'pose.

You've had plenty.

What would you do with more?

When you're here, it feels like it's enough.

How does your husband let you out of his sight?

I mean, it's like you two were separated at birth or something.

I know you've got a soft spot for him, which is funny because... he has a beard... and you always say you hate my beard.

But he's such a girl!

He makes me laugh and he doesn't mind that I'm an idiot... which makes me less of one.

I wouldn't be so sure.

I'm no thr*at to her family.

I am her family.

You stole my dress and you stole my heart.

I thought we were friends.

You lost a friend but you found a sister.

And so did I.

If we've offended anyone or been boring, think this was all just a little dream... dreamt about some people in New York City.

Now, please, wake up and go home to bed.

So, goodnight to you all.

Give me your hands and let's be friends.

Was that terrible?

I dunno.

We're going to make it better!

Oh, my God!

What are you doing?

Are you going to shave?


You didn't have to write a whole play about it.

You could have just asked.

Don't want you to.

You don't?


I need it.

I need you.

What was the play about anyway?

Why all that cross-dressing?

I don't think it was about that, really.

It was about uncertain parentage, that sort of thing.

I suppose my John was a bit naughty.

So was mine.

You were a bit naughty, too, weren't you, Teresa?!

Come on, Penny, weren't you?

Well, I certainly didn't give birth to Dolly!

Emily's certainly not mine!

Shall we start again?


Good morning.

Hi, sweets.


Welcome. I know.

Oh, my God!

I just have this pathological desire to cook my weight in pancakes.


It's incredible!

Cup of tea?

Yes, please. I'd love one.

Where's Doll?

She's still in bed.

Oh, would you, um, would you take one down for her?


Hold on. Hold on a second.

Erm... Yeah, she likes more, a little bit more milk than that.


Tell her breakfast is ready.

I will.

[Knock at the door]

Eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs.


It's from Buddy.

You okay?

I think so.

Are you?


Shall we go?

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