03x10 - Patent Troll

[bunniefuu]

Marc: What happened to your office?

Offices? Marc, they're for insurance salesmen. And...

But not, you know... but communal workspaces like this, they're the new paradigm.

There's no walls.

No, there's a climbing wall at the back.

Have you got... It's so fun. You sh... I haven't, but... um, these kind of spaces are kind of, like, good for synergy and networking.

And... and for having everyone

[loudly] hearing what you're saying?!

Shh. Calm yourself down.

Yeah.

Anyway, remember how you were talking, um, about wanting to do more acting.

Yeah, if... if the role is a lot like me.

Like you... exactly. Which this is.

Yeah.

Perfect role that's just came up.

Rabbi.

A rabbi?

Rabbi, yeah.

No, very, very hip rabbi... on "2 Broke Girls."

A sitcom? No, no, no, no!

No, I want something edgy, like an independent film, like a Noah Baumbach movie.

Yeah.

He always casts scruffy Jews. Why not that?

Shh, I-I get that, edg...

I don't know if you've seen it, but actually, it's very self-aware about how silly it is, and so, actually, very clever.

All right, fine. Whatever.

Hurrah! I'm gonna get you an audition.

Whoa! Back up!

I thought you said I had the role, and now it's an audition?

I have to...

Do you want... I need an espresso.

I don't know if... Do you want one? Because they're built into my membership dues.

I've had three. [chuckles]

So, there's, uh, coffee?

Yeah.

Uh, a-all right, fine.

Let me have a double espresso on ice.

Okay!

[cellphone vibrates]

Ohhhh... kay.

Hi, Sam.

Maron, it's Seder.

Yeah, I know.

How familiar are you with patent trolls?

Not at all, really.

Some company in North Dakota has claimed that they invented the podcast in 1976, and they have invited me to, quote, "join a growing list of licensees," end quote.

He wants everyone who does a podcast to pay him a fee.

How is that even possible?

They didn't even have personal computers in 1976.

Yeah, they say that the weekly mailed cassette subscription service laid the groundwork for the weekly podcast.

What?

Listen, the patent is bullshit, but I'm telling you, this could be the death of podcasts.

Frankly, I'm not unconvinced that the Kochs aren't behind this.

I mean, I've been going after them on my podcast.

I just heard back from casting. Friday at 11:00.

Oh, oka... I got to go, Sam.

Good job with the Koch Brothers, though.

I'm sorry, am... am... am I interrupting you in the middle of a power lunch?

Marc, I'm only talking about our livelihood here!

All right, just keep me posted, okay, man?

Keep you posted?! Marc, come on! I mean, help me out!

All right, so... how does the rabbi know the broke girls?

["The Poisoned Well" plays]

♪ Won't fall for it ♪
♪ You can't see ♪
♪ And you can't tell ♪
♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪

Poor Sam. What happened to that guy?

Spends his whole career mired in political bullshit, preaching to the choir.

It's a very small choir, man.

Yeah, sounds like he was asking for help.

I mean, you are his friend.

Oh, okay, yeah, if by "friend," you mean "guy I help constantly with no thanks."

Brought him onto my Air America show.

He screwed that up.

Wait. I thought he brought you on his show.

No, man, it was my show.

You guys have had so many canceled shows.

It's just hard to keep track.

Look, it's not my fault that guy struck out in Hollywood, all right?

And now he thinks I'm a sellout because... what... 'cause I'm successful?

Wait... he actually thinks you're successful?

That is... Sad.

Okay.

[doorbell rings]

Did you invite somebody over here?

I've never invited anyone anywhere.

Oh, sh*t. It's a fan.

[scoffing] Yeah. Sure.

Seriously. One of them tweeted my address last week.

Hey, man.

Hey, Marc Maron!

Hey, buddy, look, I appreciate you coming by, but it's a little... little weird, all right?

So I need my personal boundaries, but I'll sign whatever you got there and I'll do a pic if you want.

You... you've been served.

What?

Yeah.

It's such an honor.

I mean, I was really psyched to get this assignment.

Yeah.

Huge fan.

Great. Great having fans like you.

[whispering] What?

Man, I wonder how you get a gig like that... serving papers.

It's like you just get paid to be a d*ck.

He's a... he... he's a fan, so it's very emotionally confusing for me.

What is that?

Am I being sued, dude?

Yeah. You're being sued.

This guy claims he invented podcasts.

It's a patent troll.

Sam was talking about this guy!

Yeah.

[knock on door]

I can't believe it.

Selfie!

Okay.

Selfie!

Okay.

That's awesome.

Yeah. Okay.

I guess I agreed to that.

[ping pong ball clacking]

[sighs]

So... so, what's the deal?

It's, uh, it's a bullshit shakedown, and we're gonna be okay, right?

Oh, God, absolutely... probably.

Unless you're not.

What does that mean?

Our lawyers took a little, tiny look at it, and... and you know what?

Just to be on the safe side, perhaps stop podcasting.

No. No. I post twice a week always.

Let's look on the bright side, though, 'cause that's always good to do.

Um, if you were to just have a little hiatus on the podcast, then you'd be able to focus on what was really important... the talk show pilot.

No, no. No, no, there's nothing more important than the podcast.

The other stuff is just stuff I do.

The podcast is what I am.

No, I know.

But they did pay you quite a lot of money for the pilot.

You're welcome, by the way.

Yeah, yeah. No, I get it, all right?

I don't need the pressure, all right?

The podcast saved my life. I can't lose it.

[clacking continues]

I can't lose...

Enough with the ping pong already!

What are you guys... 7?

What kind of grown-up...

You got me banned from Soho House.

Now shut it.

What are you... 10? Are you 10?

Do some work!

I can't believe I'm doing this.

[sighs]

Wow!

Marc Maron taking out his garbage, like a regular Joe.

Where's TMZ when you need them?

Good to see you, brother.

[groans]

I-I don't think we've ever hugged before.

Yeah, I-I didn't realize it until about halfway in, but yeah.

Uh, thanks for coming out and saving my ass, man.

Hey, like Tom Joad, wherever there's a fight, I'll be there.

Uh, will you, uh, pay the guy?

Nice craftsman.

Don't like the color.

Kind of thought 'cause I was flying out with your miles that I'd be flying first class, but whatever.

And I hope you didn't tip that driver too much.

He got lost and he kept insisting I was that guy from "Northern Exposure."

Hey, well, you should be flattered.

You were almost recognized as being somebody.

[chuckles]

So, uh, you look good, Sam.

What's going on? How's Nikki? How's the kid?

Oh, how's the new baby-kid?

They'd be doing better if I had a show on MSNBC.

I can see from the look of it that, uh, finally deciding on a haircut and facial-hair combo has, uh, paid off for you.

How are the cats?

Well, honestly, they're afraid of being seized by lawyers, man.

This whole thing's a complicated mess.

I need you to help me get out of it.

Yeah, look, the key is to not be intimidated, all right?

Just keep doing business and posting podcasts as usual.

I'm being sued. I can't do that.

I just want it to go away, man.

Come on, man. I mean, you see I'm still doing my show, right?

Yeah. Right.

You don't listen to my show, do you? Ever.

I'm having a hard time listening to you right now, honestly.

You know, you were never really interested in politics.

I don't know if that's true... I just thought that the issues that I was dealing with were deeper, and I think if politics, you know, affects me personally, I'll talk about it.

Yeah, well, welcome to politics, because this affects you personally.

And me, too, all right?

Mm-hmm.

So what we got to do is we got to rally the troops.

We got to make a list of podcasters, have them over here for a meeting ASAP.

All right, good. Grassroots action.

I'm in. Dig it.

Beautiful.

[cellphone chimes]

Oh. Yeah. Okay.

Well, look, we'll roll up our sleeves and get to work as soon as I get back.

What... Wait, what? Are you serious?

I just got here... after flying all night on a red-eye.

I sat next to some guy who was complaining about the deficit.

I told him it's going down, not going up... which in and of itself is a problem.

God, that was an exhausting diatribe.

I-I got to go. I got a work thing. I got a...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

"2 Broke Girls"? Are you serious?

Oh, well, let's see what kind of, uh, hi-to-the-jinks the two broke girls are getting up to this week.

Oh.

Uh, you auditioning for Officer Kosakowski or Rabbi Zach?

Well, he's actually... it's a hip rabbi, and I don't know if you've watched the show, but it's very self-aware of how silly it is.

[laughs] Marc, Marc.

I didn't fly out here to, uh, pass judgment on your personal life choices.

Okay.

Although those jeans... not attractive.

All right, all right, you know what, Sam?

Why don't you just come with me and we'll strategize in the car?

Can you just...

Do you have, like, some...

Why are you looking at my ass, anyway?

It just looks like your buttocks were removed in an accident or something.

All right. Okay. All right.

You coming? Are you coming?

Weird.

Yeah, I'll get a Facebook picture with the two broke girls.

Yeah, I'm sure they're there.

Okay, so far, we got, uh, Carolla, Hardwick, Kevin Smith on the list.

Definitely got the "middle-aged white guys you're jealous of" demographic covered.

Look, I got way too many body issues to be jealous of Kevin Smith.

[chuckles] Chumps.

I tell you, I do not miss these days.

No, sirree.

My only regret?

[chuckling] Yeah?

I didn't walk away sooner.

Oh, is that what you call failing... "walking away"?

I made a choice to stop selling out.

[sighs deeply]

To do something... meaningful.

Okay. All right. Do me a favor... would you just get out of here, all right?

Go down to Canter's, start making calls.

I'll meet you in a few.

No, I think I'm good.

Ehh... I am finding it extremely vindicating being here right now.

It reminds me of how happy I am not to be a part of this vacuous bullshit.

No offense.

Okay, none taken.

Oh, good.

You realize that... what a pathetic waste of time this is, right?

Are we having a meeting about our future or are we watching the Super Bowl with a bunch of diabetics?

It's brain food, buddy!

I, uh, I'm thinking about getting back on paleo.

So it's good. It's like a cabinet cleanse for me.

Yeah, I was gonna say it looks like you're, uh, putting on a few.

Okay. Well, thanks, Sam.

I did gain a little weight, yes.

And you, as well, seem to have more face.

I don't feel like I need to hide it with, like, say, a mustache.

Well, that's good, because I don't think you can pull a mustache off.

Yeah, that's because I don't want to look like a Jewish general custer.

Mm-kay.

[knock on door]

Hey, Sam.

Oh, hey, Dave.

Good to see you.

Yeah.

What are you doing here, man?

We're having a podcaster meeting.

Yeah, no sh*t. Sam called me.

I do a podcast, you know.

How do you not know I do a podcast?

Does anyone know? Why are you singling me out?

Okay, well, look, I want to thank you all for coming.

I know it's not a great reason to have a get-together.

I know a lot of you have gotten these letters from this podcast patent troll about, you know, licensing fees and whatnot.

I just want to say it's all bullshit, but we still have to kind of...

You don't have to raise your hand, Tom.

Where's Chris Hardwick?

I heard that Chris hardwick was gonna be here.

I don't know. He didn't come.

I want to have Chris Hardwick on my podcast. He's great. [chuckles]

I don't know where the big guys are.

Maybe they're busy.

Let's just eat some chips and whatever.

We're gonna brainstorm how to get these jokers off our backs without spending a lot of money in a long legal battle in court.

Yeah, before you man-splain the... the patent process, can we just talk about how podcasting has turned into this huge boys' club?

Wow. That is such major bullshit.

Well, you guys are on each other's podcasts all the time, and you never come on ours.

Like, Marc, would you be on my podcast?

Sure. What about mine?

No.

I'll do yours.

No, thank you. [chuckles]

Okay, listen, listen, listen. Focus.

We need to create a united front, all right?

We need to pull some bread together, hire a lawyer, maybe get a temporary injunction on these jokers, and then we can buy some time until someone with deeper pockets can help us fight this thing.

[laughing] Oh, no, Marc.

Marc, I'm sorry, but there's no knight in shining armor coming to your rescue here, Princess.

That's not what I meant, man. I didn't...

Look, look, here's the deal, okay?

We called this meeting 'cause we're going to w*r.

Now, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it for you.

It's gonna be hard as hell, pricy as sh*t, and some of us are not walking off the b*ttlefield.

All right, dial it down, Norma Rae.

Look, the best thing for us to do right now is to record this meeting and put it up as Maron's next episode.

Anybody bring any recording devices?

Yeah, I've been recording since we got here.

We're not putting that up.

What are you, crazy? I'm being sued.

Listen, there's a not-for-profit called the E.F.F., and they can...

You're thinking small!

We got to go big!

We need to get a patent referendum on the California ballot, and then we need to be prepared to take this all the way to the Supreme Court, people.

Are you with me?

Just to be clear, uh, I'm not being sued.

Maron's the only one facing jail time.

Yeah, well, if we do this right, we all got to be facing jail time.

This is our Selma.

Whoa! No, it's... I'm not going to jail for anything, so...

If we were cell mates, I would dominate you.

Okay, let's take a breather, people, and let's... let's just get back to talking about what we were talking about before.

No, save your talking about your feelings for your little podcast, okay?

We're girding for w*r here!

My d*ck in your bottom every night.

All right, look, we don't need to go all monkeywrench on Corporate America.

I just want to get back to podcasting.

Classic Maron.

All right, these guys get it.

We have to roll up our sleeves. We have to sacrifice.

I'm gonna get out of here. [chuckles]

Yeah. I'm gonna walk you out, sister.

Wait, guys.

I love a good fight as much as anyone, but I can't do anything that'll jeopardize my disability income.

Ohh...

[door closes]

Way to go, Sam.

That meeting was a disaster because you h*jacked it.

I don't know why I'm surprised.

You did the same thing with our show.

You sedered it, man.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that you don't listen and that you think you know everything and that you get obsessed with minutia that no one gives a sh*t about except for you and maybe 12 people.

You know, you were supposed to be funny, but you were too busy checking your Facebook feed for topless pics and getting all sad about your divorce on everything.

Well, I was sad! You didn't help that, either!

You were there to watch my back and pick up the slack with the politics.

Because you were too terrified to go it alone, so you bring somebody in to take the fall in case the show fails.

I don't think that far ahead, man.

But, y-you know, you did... it was your fault.

You know what? And it just occurs to me.

You did the same thing here.

What?

You brought me out here to help, and then when it wasn't a total cakewalk, suddenly it's my fault.

I started my podcast by myself.

Where were you? You weren't here.

It's no coincidence. Best thing I ever did.

Oh, yeah. And, by the way, thanks for having me on.

Oh, is that what this is about? I did have you on.

[laughs] Yeah, you had me on for 10 minutes back when you couldn't get any other guests.

You gave that whole "make the copy" guy an entire hour.

Rob Schneider was very compelling.

Look, the only reason why I care is because I like the show.

It's the only two hours out of the week where you're not a total prick.

Now, granted, I skip ahead to the interviews, but still, the show is relevant.

And you're gonna give it up because you get one letter that says you're gonna get sued?

I mean, do you think that, uh, Richard Pryor or Carlin or Lenny Bruce would shut up that easy?

I mean, look, the podcast is not only the best thing you've ever done, it's also the best w*apon you have.

Okay, well, I am getting sued, and they can take my house, Sam!

Yeah, well, sometimes having integrity means you make a sacrifice, Marc.

Oh, screw you, Sam!

It's easy to have integrity when you have nothing to lose, like an audience or a future!

Right.

Well... I'm gonna grab my bag, call a more politically palatable alternative to Uber, and I'll see you in a few years, when you need my help again.

[sighs deeply]

[record crackling]

[sighs]

What are you looking at?

Hey, folks, I apologize for the week of silence, but there's been some legal trouble up here at the Cat Ranch.

It seems that some patent troll has decided he invented podcasting and we all owe him money.

And he's decided to sue me... I guess as an example.

I don't know, but I'm being sued.

I'm in violation of something right now just talking to you, I imagine.

But I need to talk about it.

Look, I used to do political radio.

I used to be a political guy. I've boycotted things.

I think lettuce, maybe.

Not grapes. That was before my time.

But I've marched places.

Yeah... I've spoken out and up against things, but I got out of it 'cause politics disgust me.

But now, there's an issue and something needs to be changed, and it affects me directly, it affects podcasters... directly, so I need help. I need help.

So I'm talking about it even if it might get me in trouble.

It's about freedom of speech.

America, baby.

[knock on door]

Dave's asleep.

I'm not here to talk to Dave, man.

Come on, man. I got some burgers.

Thought you might want a double-double before you head out to the airport.

All right, look, I'm just panicky about all this stuff, and maybe I was a little... little harsh yesterday.

Sure you want to waste an apology now?

Well, I mean, we're not on your show.

[sighs]

Huh?

Look, we're... we're... we're... we're podcasters because we don't really get along with other people, all right?

I'm just... I'm saying I'm sorry, primarily because you had to sleep here.

I mean, this place is disgusting.

Yeah. Pretty sure I got pinkeye last night.

Mm.

And I, uh, I noticed you posted your podcast.

That took a not insignificant amount of courage.

All right, well, maybe you inspired me.

At the very least, you annoyed me into it.

I'll take it.

All right.

It's not often I get to rally the troops anymore at work.

Or at home, for that matter.

My kids are obsessed with hobby lobby.

Ehh.

Yeah.

I'm hoping they're doing it just to spite me.

Yeah, well, hey, I'm listening.

I picked up the app.

Right?

Well, I've got an E-book for 99 cents you can buy right through that app.

Yeah, let's not go crazy.

Eh.

[cellphone vibrates]

It's my manager. One sec.

Hey.

Emily: Hello!

How's my favorite guest star client?

You got the part!

Ooh! Wow! Okay.

So now I guess I got to actually watch the show.

Hey, do you know if the casting agent found somebody to do that cop yet?

Because I know a guy.

He's hilarious, and we got great chemistry.

[muffled] I do accents, too.

Hold on. What?

I do accents, too.

Whatever those two broke girls want, I'll do it.

Not you.

Hold on. [sniffs]

Do I smell a double-double?

Excuse me, waitress.

Is this chicken kosher?

More importantly, are you?

Nobody move!

Oh, my God. You look great.

How is this possible?

I'm dressed like a rabbi, but you still look Jewier.

Mm. I've been eating doughnuts all morning just to get into character.

You got doughnuts in your trailer?

It was a joke.

Gentlemen.

We got some new pages and a few itty-bitty script changes.

Oh, and you guys know how to break-dance, right?

♪