01x01 - Secret Location

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong language K to the U to the R, U to the P to the T! Kurupt family!

Then it's like you can spell things out, you...

It's... You use your mouth, predominantly.

What are the hand things?

Er, just Kurupt FM. K is like...

Just throw your Ks up.

Kurupt FM, innit, the rest are irrelevant, like.

That's a slogan. It is.

Don't need to say it's the slogan, just let them hear us saying it all the time, then they'll get it.

We used to say Kurupt FM, like it or just lump it, basically.

Yeah, but then I came up with a more...

One that rhymes, you know what I mean?

Rolls off the tongue better.

Aerodynamic.

♪ I said it's time for action Boom, boom, boom, shake, shake... ♪

What is Kurupt FM?

Simple, it's an urban powerhouse/ radio station/family unit, do you know what I mean?

The biggest and baddest pirate radio station in the land, AKA Kurupt, like, best believe, 180.9 in your dial, yeah?

The phone line is popping off right now.

Big out to 384. Isleworth Mercy!

We transmit throughout the whole of West London.

Obviously, once you get to Shepherd's Bush it...

It gets a bit... It gets a bit, yeah, white-noisy, but we've still got a lot of fans down Bush, White City.

I reckon there's quite a lot of people that drive closer to the transmitter in the car...

Yeah, yeah. ..and maybe set up a recording. Bring a picnic.

Yeah, so. Let's show 'em round, innit, like?

Yeah, show 'em round the manor, like.

Obviously, you've got the blocks there and that.

And you see here we've got the garage, yeah, if you need Rizla any time of day, bosh. Boom, like.

'My philosophy on life, yeah,' is just, like, sort of just do whatever, basically.

Bring up a lot of problems, money issues and that, but it's better that way, innit?

Yeah.

Over there we've got the world-famous cr*ck D's.

Cracka Demus & Pliers!

Beautiful little burgers, actually, they do there, don't they?

Yeah, whoa. What else?

And then just up here you've got the station.

Yeah.... No, don't show them the...

No, it's not the station, we're just...

You're not meant to know where... where it all is and all that, so.

Maybe I shouldn't...

We shouldn't have taken them on a tour of Brentford.

Yeah, well, just don't f*cking... It's kind of ...

Sh! It's, er... We're not actually...

Just cos we're going round Brentford doesn't mean we're actually... the station's in Brentford.

It's a... It's a little radio trick we call throwing them off the scent, so...

Yeah, we could be anywhere right now, we could actually be in Brentlee.

Exactly.

So, is this all illegal, then?

Course it's illegal, mate, it's part of the beauty of it.

'If you keep a secret location, you don't have to do any moving around, it's just like the dotty Babylon, the filth, do you know what I mean? And the DTI that have to do all the running about, like, do you know what I mean? And never find us.'

Stop filming! 'They don't know that we're down here,' dropping the finest in UK garage and drum 'n' bass, like.

f*cking amateurs.

Come on, mate, keep it down now.

Hurry up, Decoy, I need a piss.

Just hold it down, though, yeah, just keep it literally...

Yeah, hold that sh*t down.

Don't get the faces.

Here we are, boys. Do you want to...?

You can take that off now, yeah?

So, just whack it up there.

Welcome to Kurupt FM! Welcome.

Yeah. Mu casa su casa.

Sorry about all the hoods and all that, but, er, it's just like something you have to do in pirate radio, secret location and all that.

Yeah, we even took the number off the door, so we don't even know what number it is.

Come through, come through. Enter.

So, this is...the main studio area, yeah, got the... the main hub, yeah, that keeps everything going, this does.

Er, got Steves over there...

Yeah. ..doing a little morning clean-up and that.

Yeah, Steves spruces up the studio for us, we let him keep any little zoot ends or coins and that.

Steves. Steves, mate, listen. Clean your bedding, please, mate, cos we've got the BBC here, do you know what I mean? Sorry.

Grindah as an MC?

I don't know how to describe him.

We'll put the mic inside the arena A bad boy for the business similar With the BBC crew inside it every year!

Ha-ha! Freestyle as well, mate. That sort of thing really.

Ah, he's nuts.

Right, er, it's actually better with the music, so let's talk you through the equipment.

So, you've got the... So... So you've got the...

Right, this is your amp, yeah.

Yeah, amp, that's the amp. Connected to the speakers.

Yeah. Your transmitter here, be careful with that.

Listen... Two mics.

..never mind all that.

Do you want to whack it on, we'll show him how it's done?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, this goes, one, two! One, two!

E-Even better with the mic, innit? Mental, like.

All right, let's go.

Who's ready? Who's ready?

Who's ready? Who's ready? Who's ready?

Who's ready?

One, two, three, four, five Once I caught the fish alive One, two, three, four, five Once I picked up with the garage vibe My side, their side And you get a side like inside Step on the microphone Ready to ride...

I've been with Grindah for about six years now.

Like, when we first got together we used to do a lot of, you know, sort of romantic sort of things, like he'd buy me clothes and that, just, you know, cos he didn't like what I wore.

So, how did you two meet?

It was actually really sweet, like, it was in a car park.

I was just sort of, you know, walking along and he shouted something at me from a van and, yeah, it just all went from there really.

So, what was Miche like when you first met her?

Ah, she was beautiful when I first met her.

It's mad to think, like.

But, yeah, I still like her and that, so...

So, has he ever been in trouble with the law?

Yeah, he's been in trouble a few times, but it's always been like, you know, silly little things like, I don't know, dealing, GBH, hate crimes, you know, just silly little things like that.

No, I think we've spent enough now.

Who's on the mic and ready to ride?

Inside, at their side...

Grindah. Grindah.

What?!

Someone banging on the door, bruv.

Oh, is it? Oh, turn everything off.

Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off.

Sh. Steves, shut up.

Hello, mate. How many times have I told you, bruv?

Huh? I know. This is turning into a joke. I... I'm sorry, mate.

I've asked you nicely... I know.

I've written letters, yeah?

You lot are mugging me off, man.

No, I... I can assure you we're not, mate, please, like...

Just turn it down.

I keep telling 'em, but we've got problems with the volume thing.

Mate, I don't give a sh*t, just turn it down.

Well, just... All right, I'm sorry.

That's what I'm trying to say, though, yeah, cos if it was in the streets, yeah, it'd be a different story, do you know what I mean?

Be the end of his story.

End of his story, that's right, cos I'd just be like, bang, upwards, you know what I mean?

He's on the floor, like, feeling dizzy, do you know what I mean?

At the time and that, like.

But the thing is, yeah, when you do run an illegal radio station, yeah, you cannot run the risk of DTI coming through, innit?

No. He's like, "I sent a letter," do you know what I mean? A letter.

Who's in charge of post?

Huh?

I was doing recycling.

Me, I... I sometimes...

Yeah, well...

I just put them over here, like, cos...

I didn't think people would send us letters cos of the door number and that.

Just...

"To WHOM it may concern..."

He hasn't even spelled "who" right for a start, like.

"Whawm!"

Meh! "Your music's so loud!" Meh!

Meh! "I've got kids that need to sleep..."

Meh!

"..and I need to get up early for work."

Meh! "If you don't keep it down, I will be forced to involve the council," like, meh!

What? "If you do keep it...then I'll be forced to involve the council?"

Call the council out, man, don't give a f*ck, bruv!

No, dude, we do give a f*ck.

Don't put that, cos...

No, cos the government work for the council, then we're going to have the government on our case.

Oh, is it?

Oh, for f... That's what I...

That's all I need!

That's all I need.

We cannot run the risk of the government booting our doors off, bruv.

So, what shall we do?

"What shall we do?"

If you weren't the one constantly turning it up, yeah, we wouldn't be in this mess, so you sort it out, yeah? Yeah.

'I think when, like, Grindah's at the station,' he has to be quite tough cos obviously he's in charge, but, like, when he's with me, he definitely has a more, like, softer side.

Like, these are some pictures of him actually before he was famous.

This one's, erm, of him at a petting zoo holding a rabbit, like they... they're doing the same expression.

Actually, this one's a good one.

This was taken when I was pregnant.

Like, obviously we've both lost a bit of weight since then, like Grindah went on Slim-Fast.

The kind of concept behind it was that we're in heaven because, like, that's just what it felt like at that time, like, but the cloud's not actually there, that's just like, you know, like camera trickery.

What if we gave the neighbour a knock and just gave him some headphones or earplugs, or even took requests?

Requests? Yeah.

Right, you lot are a joke, I've got to call Chabuds, mate, sort this out. Yeah, call Chabuds.

Chabsy!

My name's Chabuddy G, AKA Chabuds, AKA The Rig Doctor, AKA the Mayor of Hounslow.

I'm not actually a doctor or a mayor, but I can get you the certificates as part of a 36-month T-Mobile contract that you will not be able to get out of.

This is my internet cafe.

Come through, come through.

And here she is, in all her wonder, Chabuddy's Worldwide Internet Cabin Cafe.

That's Abdi, a bloody regular.

So, come through here, come through, I'll show you everything.

So, this is also my home, which I share with my lovely wife, Aldona.

Aldona, say hello, darling, we've got a camera crew here, look.

BBC and that, camera crew.

This is the bed where we do our "sleeping", if you can call it that.

Actually, Aldona, can you give us a minute? See that?

She walked out instantly.

Obedience, very sexy in a woman.

You see that? Look at that mirror.

I like to watch.

'Chabuds!'

He's one of them ultra-preneur characters, like, he can literally get you anything.

Not dr*gs, though, cos we get them from Decoy's uncle.

Can you...? Can we start that again?

Don't put that bit in because...

That's probably 90 degrees, I'd say.

I don't have to do all of it, just run it across there.

I'm just waiting for the echo, it actually indicates the densities.

Er, don't, don't bang, come on, just get down, don't bang on the wall, mate.

So, as I thought, er, no echo, so...

Do you need it soundproofed today, boss?

We've got a set at 8pm, yeah, so we need it done before 8pm, ASAP, innit? Yeah.

Yeah, cos the last time we missed a set, the London riots happened, didn't it?

Yeah. Well... Exactly.

So, it's not something you really want on your mind, is it, mate?

I don't want that. It's quite heavy, do you know what I mean?

Mm. OK, what we're going to have to do, boss, this wall, I'm going to have to rip it down, yeah?

We're looking at a full studio revamp here, boss.

Probably going to cost you about a grand, I'd say.

Don't like the sound of that, do not like the sound of that.

Right, OK, well, if you wanted the cheaper option...

Er, what's...? Which is?

Egg boxes.

Have you ever soundproofed anything before?

I tell you what, I was actually going to soundproof this place up because sometimes me and Aldona...

It's f*cking loud, man - screaming, crying.

No crying, screaming. Um...

Let me do some equations quickly.

So we've got to do the...

Obviously carry that three...

The decibel sound is up at 70db.

Add the power of the A to the Z...

Betamax...

You're looking at about 200 boxes.

200, isn't it? Yeah. 200, I'd say.

What I'll do, I can do the technical part...

Yeah. I'll do installation.

Yeah. No problem.

Um, I'll need you fellas to get me the actual egg boxes themselves cos I need to get my tools.

So, like the muscles of the operation. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, minor, minor. Yeah, yeah.

Of course we can, yeah.

OK. So, um, what are we talking for this then, Chabsy?

We're just chatting, just talking.

No, no, I'm talking damage.

What's the collat?

What's the collateral damage?

I will be... I assure you, there will be no damage, I'll clean it up, I'll hoover...

No, mate, listen, how much is it going to cost? Oh, well, OK.

I have this shipment, OK, that I need to get rid of. Yeah.

So, how about I help you with the soundproofing material...

OK? ..you help me by playing a new advert for my product on Kurupt FM?

You tickle me, I tickle you.

But, no, we don't do adverts on there, sorry, mate.

Oh. We're... We're strictly about the music.

Strictly, yeah. Tell... Tell us more money-wise, cash.

50 big ones, I'd say.

50? Ooph!

No, squeeze the advert in, can't we?

Yeah, you've got it on cassette, yeah? Always.

Ah, no danger, no danger, yeah, yeah.

It ain't nothing weird, yeah?

Oh, no, no worries. Dealio! Sweet!

'You know that bit of dust at the end of peanuts, yeah?'

Basically, that's the best part, everybody loves that bit, OK?

There was a manufacturing fault where all the bags were filled with nothing but peanut dust.

My uncle managed to get like 3,000 boxes of it, yeah, smuggled to the UK by smuggling himself inside a bloody crate.

He's mental!

Um, he got deported, unfortunately, but the boxes stayed with me.

I call it Peanut Dust.

It's a bit like doing Cribs, isn't it?

So, this is the...the bedroom, like, this is where, like, all the magic happens.

Got a hi-fi up there, so I can lie in bed listening to Kurupt.

It's good cos it kind of keeps me and Grindah together cos obviously he works like late nights and that kind of thing, so I can lie in bed and listen to him and it'll feel like we're together.

Got the view, as you can see, there's Brentford out there, like, it's amazing, it's kind of like when I'm in here and it's night-time, look out, see the lights, it's like being in, you know, like Sex In The City or something like that.

Right, get as many egg boxes as you can, yeah?

Back here for seven o'clock, no f*cking around.

Steves, take them, mate, you really need to wake up.

Right, basically what you need to do, yeah, is get the car, spin it round the back, yeah, cos if you go round the front obviously the council might be there, yeah, all right?

Come on, quick as you can, yeah?

Got to lay low, bruv.

Yeah. I was going to say, actually, we could lie on the back seat, so then they can't see us.

Good idea, I'll do that.

You walk, create a diversion, yeah?

Oh, is it? Steves, come on!

Steves! Steves!

Come on, Steves. Steves, come on!

Doing my zip. Come on!

Do I really have to walk?

Keep dodge, yeah?

See you boys in a bit.

I'm a born leader, yeah?

When I was in jail, I used to make Beats have to ring me before any decision was made.

Have you been to prison?

Yeah, of course I've been in prison, banged out a two-stretch.

Two-stretch? Is that...?

Two-stretch, innit! Don't...

Ain't you seen films? Two-stretch!

It's two weeks, innit?

You usually find whatever you need in these bins, like, found loads of stuff in here before, so...

Straightaway, free range.

It's nice, yeah.

Trick is to just keep your brain happy because pills release positive endorphins that basically means that you're never getting any negative side effects, like.

My brain thanks me, like, it says, like, "Thank you," like...

And it's got the same voice as me, it's quite weird.

Yes!

Sick!

Double box, brilliant.

Exactly what we need.

Right, I'm just going to take these all out, so then I can take that...

Uh, f*ck's sakes!

That's what I mean about f*cking eggs, like, f*cking unpredictable!

All over my Classics as well.

Right, let me look in here.

Just going to make a little wall of carrots to keep them in so that they don't, like, roll off the fridge and smash all over the place, like.

Hiya!

Don't come in the kitchen!

Well, that's a nice welcome home, innit?

Yeah, I'm doing work stuff.

What are you doing?

Look, Roche, I'm stressed out at the moment, like, I don't want to mix up radio with pleasure.

Business, pleasure, don't mix.

Oh, so this is your business, is it?

Yeah.

Messing about, smashing Craig's eggs on the floor while this lot film ya?

Kevin's been living with us for a few months now, a couple of months.

Er, I like having him around.

I did think it was going to be more like having a man in the house, but, er, it's not, it's more like having another kid.

Shall I say to Craig about the eggs?

Well, I'm not going to.

He's a right nightmare when he hasn't had his dippy eggs and soldiers.

Craig's quite mature for his age... apart from the tantrums.

I don't know if you've heard, he can really kick off, like proper tantrums.

What's it like having a stepson?

It's hard work cos he's actually a human, do you know what I mean?

He's got feelings and that.

It's not like, "Wha-hey! There's my son!" like, it's like I've got to care about him and if he's upset, I'm fuming.

Here he is, little Craig.

So, he's...he's my son, stepson.

Same smoky eyes, though, innit?

Yeah, and the T-shirt as well.

"Bringing sexy back," likes a bit of Justin.

What's this, Craig?

What are you playing?

Looks like GoldenEye or something.

I'm more a Fifa 98 man myself, do you know what I mean?

One of the best games ever made, I'd say, so...

Use the grenades!

Funny story, actually, um, I once had a lighter shaped like a grenade, yeah, back in the day, yeah.

I'll see if I can fish it out for ya, you might... you might appreciate it.

You got any good lighters at the minute, or...?

Mm.

All right, Craig, mate, I'll see you in a bit, yeah?

Double - bang.

A few little bits in there still.

Ugh! Ah, f*ck!

All my stuff's fallen out of my pockets.

Skunk pocket's empty.

There's another one. See what I mean?

It's cool, man, it's just an ambulance, innit?

Well, they're going to need an ambulance if it all kicks off, so...

Who's going to need an ambulance?

No-one's going to. Here she is!

My, er, better half.

Er, not better, but... I don't know why people say that, do you?

It's mad. Who's going to need an ambulance? Like, are you all right?

What's wrong? No-one.

I'm not ill, I'm fine.

Some little mugs are trying it, do you know what I mean?

Like, have to go through me first, so...

She knows what I'm like.

Please don't get arrested again, you know what happened last time.

I won't.

I couldn't watch any telly, I don't know how to use it without you.

It was stuck on Dave the whole time.

I d... I know. I missed everything.

I know. OK, listen, all right, I'm not going anywhere, all right?

OK. Yeah? Yeah.

I've got radio to think about, all right?

Mm-hm.

Oh, and her. Angel, here she is.

Ah, look, look at her! Aaaargh!

She can talk and everything. I know what you're thinking, actually, she's a little bit darker than I am, but that's because, um, my great-grandad on my mother's side was a quarter Cypriot, so we've all got a sort of exotic twist, haven't we?

Yeah, yeah, like, and I used a lot of fake tan when I was pregnant, so I think it filtered through the skin onto her.

Exactly. Side effects.

Yeah.

Yeah. Here she is.

I'm just going to go get some egg boxes, yeah?

Yeah, cool.

Do that thing where you blow Mummy's head off. Aah!

Looking for a really good adhesive, you know, something really strong.

I think gaffer tape will do the job, you know.

Um, probably go for that one, it's a standard one, One times 48 "muh-muh"... mmm, oh, millimetres.

Hold on.

Oh, the old wifey.

Hello, sweetie pie, are you missing me?

'The boxes are out in the rain.' Huh?

No. No, no, no, listen, they can't be outside.

They can't be outside, darling.

No, listen, they're going to get wet, baby.

Sweetheart!

Just a little emergency at home, she'll be fine.

Come on, service!

Come on, you, tiny man child, serve me.

Double time, double time, man.

Say hello to Uncle Bobby.

Do you reckon we've got enough egg boxes, like, bruv?

Sh, I think it's quite good. Is it?

Should I say something or...?

Ah... Yes, say something!

Say it to this square here, yeah?

Yeah. Check one, two, one, two.

Ah. I heard that, did you?

Yeah, of course I heard it.

Yeah, we definitely need more.

All right, well, how many have we got so far?

About eight, and one of them is flattened.

f*ck's sake, we've got an hour left as well, like.

No, no, no, no, no, no, not the Peanut Dust.

Aldona!

Stupid girl, man!

Hello, mate.

'Hello?' Yeah. 'Hi, Chabsy?'

Yeah, just getting there, mate, yeah. 'Turn the telly down.

'Have you got any extra egg boxes you can bring as well?'

Yeah, we're getting there, mate, no problem, mate.

'No, listen, we need more egg boxes. Plus it'll take ages to stick 'em on the walls, innit?'

Yeah, you know what?

I've got some specialist adhesive materials for you, mate, it's going to be really good.

'We need more egg boxes!'

Listen, just grab whatever you've got and come down now, 'there's no time, all right?'

f*cking hell, that looks nuts.

Is that soundproofing, yeah?

It's proper, mate.

Yeah, good, I'm just getting an even distribution.

One, two, one, two.

One, two, one, two.

This... Is this definitely going to work, yeah?

Yeah. That now, boss, is fully soundproofed.

Um, went for the triple-layered approach, um, with just a layer of insulation dust in there as well for ya.

Sweet. Yeah.

Let's hope it does work, for all our sakes, cos if not, bluefoot are going to be knocking the door off the hinges, like, and we'll all be f*cked, especially Beats when he's got to hand himself in, do you know what I mean? What? Well, one of us is going to have to, do you know what I mean?

But you're the main one. Exactly.

The main one CAN'T get caught, that's the whole point, innit?

This is me. It's all mine.

So, how far does Kurupt FM reach?

As far as the eye can see, mate, yeah?

Actually, no, not on that side, just mainly on this estate and a little bit further, probably to Isleworth, but...

Right, come on, come on, out of the room. Ready.

Obviously edit all this bit out, yeah, and then just get me when I'm bursting in the room, right?

This is literally what f*cking radio is about, man.

Beats, run the rhythm!

What, right now?

When I say that, then do it.

All right, cool.

Beats, run that!

♪ Get out the way Get out the way ♪
♪ Someone's getting got ♪
♪ Get out the way Get out the way ♪
♪ Funky's getting sh*t ♪
♪ Get out the way Get out the way ♪
♪ Someone's getting got ♪
♪ Get out the way Get out the way ♪
♪ Funky's getting sh*t... ♪

Is Angel allowed to listen?

Yeah, yeah, we listen to it together, don't we, Ange?

Yeah.

I let her stay up late if it's one of Daddy's sets but, to be honest, she doesn't really have a bedtime cos she can't read time yet but she seems to know when to go to sleep cos she just does it.

It's amazing.

Chabuddy's loving it. Yeah! Yeah!

♪ I'm the best around, nothing's going to lyrically b*at me... ♪

My bit's coming up in a bit. What?

No, I was just saying it's crazy cos my... my bit's coming up in a bit.

Right, take it down, take it down, take it down.

Take it down, yeah?

f*ck it, just put his one on, go on, put his thing on.

Now, yeah? Should I do the intro?

Huh? Just... No, let me.

Oh, yeah, cool, cool.

Out to all the crew inside, yeah?

Yeah, we love each and every one of you.

This is a little word from MC Grindah with a little word from one of our, not sponsor but, like, someone that helped us and we owed him a favour.

Now put it on.

♪ Peanut Dust Perfect for peckish ♪
♪ Peanut Dust Perfect for your wife ♪
♪ Peanut Dust Perfect for your daughter ♪
♪ Peanut Dust, even if you're in a rush, rush, rush, rush ♪
♪ Peanut Dust Coming in your family's mouth. ♪

Peanut Dust may contain nuts and glass.

All right. Sorry about that, there is cross wires.

There's some kind of sound wave crashed over somewhere from another continent.

'End of the day, like, yeah, like, all that matters is that' we're reaching our music out to the fans, dem, do you know what I mean?

Like, providing a service.

Like priests.

Well, not priests cos they only do it once a week, we...

Kurupt FM is more like a full-time religious experience if anything.

♪ Ready to ride Step on the mic... ♪
♪ He's on the right. ♪

Er, no, he's on the left, I mean.

♪ It doesn't matter Roll with the team. ♪

Cos garage music is our god, like.

Well, I'd probably be the god if anything, so...

If you're God, does that make me Jesus?

Yeah, if you want.

Sick, I'll just be like floating above, man, just invisible, just making sure that everything's all right, feeding them bear fish...

Feeding them garage, if anything, and I'd be above that, just like, "I'm above everyone, even Jesus," just like, "Aah," thunderbolting you, going, "Obey my command and play White Boys next!" like...

♪ Monday is the day that we roll ♪
♪ Tuesday, we take total control... ♪

Turn it down, turn it down, turn it down.

Down, down, off, down.

What the f*ck?

They said it was all sorted!

Bruv, come on, answer the door.

I can't. He knows you.

That's the problem, it's a trap!

Everyone skulk down, everyone skulk down!

Just get down!

Alfie, turn out the lights.

It's too late to turn the lights down.

I really don't want to go to jail.

Nor do I, mate. f*cking hell!

f*ck's sake!

Fantasy, turn the light off!