01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

With interest rates being what they are, we think this is exactly the right time to strike with a casino complex of this magnitude.

Or as they say in Macau...

[Speaking Mandarin]

[Laughter] So...

[Cell phone vibrates]

Emma is our best and brightest.

Oh.

So rest assured, you are in the most capable of hands.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm so sorry.

I just have a plane to catch.

Please contact my cell.

My assistant has it.

And, again, been an honor work with you.

Oh, wait.

Yes.

One more thing.

Mr. Zhang presents Chinese scroll.

Oh, I really couldn't.

Please.

It's too much.

Oh, no, it's really... I insist.

Oh, please, it's...

You must.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you very much and take care.

Oh, he also has another scroll for you.

Oh, wow, another scroll.

Chinese scroll.

Oh, thank you.

This is just... I'll treasure it.

Please thank Mr. Zhang for me.

Okay. Wait.

Yo.

There's one more scroll.

Is there? Okay.

Chinese scroll.

Oh, wow!

This is like the CliffsNotes edition, right?

All right, well, thank you very much.

Look forward to seeing you all again.

Hello?

Where are you?

Do not lie to me.

I'm on the plane.

Yes, I would like some more nuts.

Thank you.

You're still at the office.

I'm leaving right now.

I just got stuck in the presentation of the world's tiniest scroll.

Just do something with those.

I don't know what to do with them.

I swear to God, if you are not on this flight...

What am I, a monster?

I'm gonna miss my best friend's baby shower? Come on now.

[Drill whirring]

Hey, what are you drilling? It is 3:00 am in Connecticut.

I'm just making some minor crib modifications.

Hey, Bob Vila, you're eight months pregnant.

So why don't you let your husband do that?

He's snoozing, and also, I just want this baby girl to know that her mama's not afraid to pick up a drill and get down.

I will see you in 18 hours, you and that baby you're cooking.

I'm gonna hug you so hard, it's gonna hurt.

I'm gonna squeeze you so hard, that baby's gonna come out of you.

Oh!

How you forget your scrolls?

Oh, my gosh.

Where did... I thought they were in my carry-on.

Emma, get out of there!

Presentation of Chinese scrolls.

Chinese scroll. I get it, okay.

Get out of there!

Presentation, yes...

Get out of China! Okay.

Of the Chinese...

Back away from the elevator, sir!

I cannot believe that you are in my car right now.

I can't believe what a stunning pregnant woman you are.

Oh, please, I'm huge.

No, I will tell you what's huge, and that is these mammer-jammers.

They go all night.

They're like the boobs of our dreams!

May I feel them? Yeah, get in there.

Oh, god... hmm.

You know what's interesting?

What's that?

Is I thought they'd be soft.

Uh-huh.

But they're actually quite firm to the touch.

Well, they're filling with milk.

They've got a real heft to them.

Like a water bed almost. Hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing?

What?

Please don't go down Main Street.

I just want you to see what's changed.

No, nothing's changed. Everything's always the same.

They planted plum trees.

Oh, God.

Oh, and a nice Pakistani family took over Wilson dr*gs.

Why is everyone waving at us?

Hey. What's that?

I'm gonna tell you what I'm not interested in.

♪ Please ♪

And that's one Mr. Kenny Loggins.

♪ Celebrate me home ♪

I don't want to see any of these people.

♪ Give me a number ♪

I didn't even tell my mom I was coming home.

♪ Celebrate me home ♪

This place makes me feel like I can't breathe.

Do you know what I mean? I just can't breathe.

♪ Play me one more song, y'all ♪

I love that part. You know what?

I got out of here, and I explored the world, and I gotta tell you, there is more to life than just ambling down Main Street sucking on your soft-serve.

Oh, the screaming cone got new mix-ins.

Oh, ugh!

Fresh peaches.

It's good news.

I just never fit in here.

You know that, Mags.

♪ Celebrate ♪

I just didn't fit in here.

♪ Celebrate ♪
♪ Celebrate me home ♪

You fit in here.

♪ Celebrate ♪

Oh, I can't resist.

♪ Celebrate, celebrate ♪

Okay, keep doing that.

♪ Me home ♪

I'm gonna go low. Here we go.

♪ Well I'm finally here ♪
♪ Won't you celebrate ♪
♪ But I'm bound to roam ♪
♪ Celebrate ♪
♪ Come on ♪

Both: ♪ Celebrate me home ♪
♪ Come on, daddy, celebrate ♪
♪ Well, I'm finally here ♪
♪ But I'm bound to roam ♪
♪ Would you celebrate ♪
♪ Come on ♪

Both: ♪ Celebrate ♪
♪ These boobs, got to celebrate ♪
♪ Got to ♪

Both: ♪ Celebrate ♪
♪ Got to celebrate ♪
♪ These boobs ♪
♪ We celebrate ♪

Sorry, Emma.

♪ Can I celebrate ♪

Emma, just stop.

♪ Can I celebrate ♪

Emma! Stop.

What? What?

Oh, my God. Mark.

Hello, Emma.

Hey.

You guys just feeling each other up here at the stop sign?

Oh, no, we... I was just using Maggie's boob as a microphone.

Sure, like you do.

Oh, Mags, Tina's not feeling well, so she's not gonna make it to the shower.

Okay, I'll save her a cupcake.

Thanks.

Who's Tina?

My wife.

Oh, you're married?

Yeah.

Oh, God. Okay.

This one didn't tell me.

So I just... God, that's... Congrats and mazels to you guys.

It's not Tina Steigerman from the drill team, is it?

Who was just like, "oh, I broke my arm again 'cause I got the bones of a bird," snap!

Remember? We called her "bird bones."

It's so...

Oh, God, it is. It's that same Tina.

All right, well, congratulations.

She was so nice.

Okay, well...

She is nice.

I'm assuming she's still...

Yeah.

With us.

She's with us.

Well, it's good to see you, Em.

Yes, and a good day to you, sir.

Take care.

[Clicks tongue]

So... I don't know why.

I'm gonna go.

Okay.

Well, I think that went great.

Really?

I just tipped an invisible cap to the man I lost my virginity to.

So why don't you drive me on home?

Yes, ma'am. [Clicks tongue]

Mags, the house looks just the same.

Is that the porch swing your dad built?

Yeah, we brought it around to the front.

Oh, I love it.

Hey, Shanghai.

Bruce!

Get over here.

Oh, man.

Oh, I want one of your bear hugs.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

What?

Are they not feeding you in China, you Skinny Marink?

Okay, you know what it is?

They are working me, literally, to the bone.

It's the different sauces. They got different sauces there, and it wreaks havoc on the plumbing.

Oh, babe, can we not...

No, it really doesn't.

And be honest with me.

Yeah.

Did those sauces take your butt by storm?

Babe.

No, can I just say?

They actually did take my butt by storm.

I knew it.

It's real.

I didn't have the words, I didn't have that phrase, but...

I'm gonna tell you what it is.

That's what was happening.

They haven't defined whether or not these are sweet sauces or sour sauces, okay?

Right, and you're mixing 'em.

You're mixing 'em up.

And it becomes like a...

All of a sudden...

Mr. Wizard situation.

You know what I'm saying?

Sorry to, like, interrupt this reverie...

Yeah, yeah.

But did you finish the crib like I asked?

Damn it! I forgot to do it.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah. You know what?

I'm gonna go down in my man cave, I'm gonna finish it up right now, and you should go inside and see what your weird brother did to the place.

All right, buddy.

Okay, welcome home!

It's so good to see you.

Okay, thank you.

I got it. I got it.

Come on. Thank you.

All right.

To the left, my lady.

Oh, my God.

What is this woodland wonderland?

Do you like it?

Do I... Is this a hedgehog cupcake?

I'm gonna punch you in the face right now.

It was all Zach.

Thank you.

I take walks in the forest when I need to think, and that's where I got my inspiration.

If you hadn't sexually harassed me all through high school... [Cell phone chimes]

I would assume you were a stone-cold gay man.

I'm gonna take that as a compliment.

Hold on.

What is wrong?

Nothing. It's just work.

I got to...

Uh-huh.

I have a big presentation that just got moved up, so I got to do it tonight, but...

No, this is the only weekend you've asked off for in three years.

I know, but you're not even gonna notice.

I'm noticing right now.

No, because you know what?

I'm gonna do it at night when you're snuggled up like a bug in a rug growing this human.

All right?

Okay.

Will you make me a fluffernutter, please?

Yes.

Thank you. [Slaps]

Hey.

It's good from behind too.

Hey, Pan's Labyrinth, get down off that step stool.

I got to talk to you.

Sure.

I just need to ask you one question.

What?

Do you notice anything?

No.

I gained 15 pounds since last we met.

Well, it doesn't show.

Well, that's because it's all in my thighs.

That's where a woman gains weight, just FYI.

Well, just FYI, that's where I gain weight too.

Could you just tell me what's going on with the video?

Yeah. I just gotta Ken burns it.

Ken bur... what? The shower's in two hours.

Hey, they have Apple TV.

All I do is connect my laptop to their wi-fi, although I would feel more comfortable if we had a code word for when to start.

Okay, fine, what do you want the code word to be?

Tornado.

Ugh. I can't...

[Indistinct chatter]

I just felt a kick.

Aww!

Mags, Bruce's mom is here.

Hide the booze!

Oh!

In front of you, you'll see diapers loaded with melted chocolate, simulating poop.

You can sniff it, you can lick it.

Just scream out what kind of chocolate it is.

Everybody ready? Start sniff in'!

Okay.

Oh, God.

Is it a Mr. Goodbar?

This is delicious.

Take 5.

Is this a Krackel?

[Cell phone rings] Yep.

Is this... Oh.

Nestle Crunch.

Don't you dare answer that phone.

Oh, my God, listen. Keep sniff in', Tom Selleck.

You're doing great.

Goobers.

It's outrageous!

Milky Way Midnight.

Mounds!

No.

Oh, my God.

This is real poop.

[Laughs]

Just kidding, you guys. Almond Joy.

Five more seconds, ladies.

A Snickers. Snickers!

Cookies 'n' Creme.

I got a nut.

Emma.

Sno-caps!

Correct! Diapers down, hands up.

With a record-breaking number, six diapers, Zach is the winner!

[Applause] Yeah, Zach.

Sorry.

That's okay.

There'll be other diaper derbies, probably not my own. Okay.

So I'll just have to struggle on, I guess.

All right, I have a little something that's gonna make this chocolate frown turn upside down.

All right, Mary Pat, may I have the floor?

Of course.

All right, if I could have everybody's attention.

Tornado.

We have a little something special planned.

Zach, tornado.

[Whispers] Why do you just keep saying "tornado"?

Oh, right.

This is just a little audio-visual presentation that Zach and I put together.

[Jazzy trumpet music]

What the hell is this?

You told me to score it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Em, where did you get that?

Oh, you're the spittin' image of your mother.

Yeah.

She would have been really proud.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God!

Whose butt is that?

Show me that juicy ass.

What are you gonna put up there for daddy?

What about this biscuit can?

Oh, no.

Yeah, put that up there.

Okay, what's happening?

I think Bruce's laptop is overriding mine from the basement.

Well, fix it. Just turn it off!

What you going to put up there for me, daddy?

Let me show you, sweet mommy.

Let me show you.

Bruce!

Maggie!

Oh!

Yeah, honey, I'm working on the crib right now.

We have to turn this off! We have to turn this off!

Bruce!

[Screams]

Bruce!

What... who is munichmuncher69?

Who's what?

The woman on your screen. What is happening?

I don't know.

She just... I don't know who that is!

Why are you down here?

Give me one of these!

Okay. Okay, okay.

You know I'm down here!

You have a boner right now!

A big boner! Ohh!

At best, it's a semi!

I don't have a boner right now!

Should I take out the can?

Oh, God!

Ooh!

I'm sorry! Please don't look.

Can't unsee that.

Zach! Tornado! Tornado!

Maggie. Mags.

[Knocking]

Who is it?

It's your old pal, Emma.

How's it going in there, buddy?

Pretty terrible.

Yeah?

Okay, you maybe want to come out and talk?

Can you come in?

Um... okay.

I just... I don't know how much space there really is.

I know. I'm huge!

No, no, no, no.

We're gonna figure it out.

Okay, now I'm coming in.

Thank you.

Okay.

Do you want to tell me what happened downstairs?

Okay.

Well, apparently, there is a whole online community of women who specialize in putting things up their butts.

And are they all German?

Well, they're not all German, but I think he prefers German, you know, 'cause of their husky nature.

And does he see them in person?

No.

I don't know why I'm surprised, you know?

It's been... it's been really bad for a while.

Mags, why didn't you tell me?

It's embarrassing.

I mean, you're over there in Shanghai hobnobbing with Asian high rollers, trading, I don't know, diamonds for briefcases of money.

What are you talking about?

I don't know, that's what happened in Skyfall.

My life is nothing like Skyfall, okay?

Daniel Craig is not my boyfriend.

I don't even have a boyfriend.

I don't have any friends, except my assistant Ryuchi who only goes to karaoke with me 'cause he has to, and because I do a phenomenal Mandarin version of "I don't think you're ready for this jelly."

[Both laugh] It's pretty depressing.

I just wanted to make a right choice.

You did.

You made the right choice for then.

All right, you were, what, like, 25?

Yeah.

You know, you lost both of your parents.

You wanted someone safe.

What am I gonna do now?

I don't know, but I know we're gonna figure it out.

Okay? Okay.

Can I have a hug?

Okay.

[Rustling]

Okay, um...

Mm-hmm?

I don't want to alarm you, but there is a slight rustling sound behind me.

Oh, yeah, there's... a raccoon family's been nesting...

What are you talking about?

No, no, no.

Then why are we in here?

Wait, don't worry. They're friendly.

We just only need to work if they make this sound [Trills]

[Raccoon trilling]

Aah! Oh, my God!

Okay, okay, okay.

I felt its whiskers!

Oh, my God, the meeting.

The meeting.

Oh, my God. Okay, I need a blazer.

Where is a blazer?

Oh! Ow!

Laptop, laptop, laptop.

Just chill out! Shut up!

[Spits]

Okay.

This is the right time to strike with a casino complex of this magnitude.

I'm so sorry to have been delayed.

There was some, um, technical difficulties.

Ah, Emma, excellent.

So what we're looking at, Mr. Zhang, is... oops.

Know what? Just... I'm sorry, hold on for one second.

I just... oop.

Oh, God.

You're slipping away on me here.

Okay, but we're back.

All right, here we go.

[Chuckles]

With 805 slot machines, 507... 50...

Is it 557 gaming tables?

That doesn't sound right.

I mean, I would like to double-check if...

If I may interrupt.

Yes, please. Thank you.

When my father started this company in the early '20s, he was... a shoe salesman.

Uh-huh.

No, not even a shoe salesman.

He just made soles.

Oh.

And now this company's a multibillion-dollar corporation.

And I am responsible for the integrity of my father's name.

[Snoring]

Come on!

Is she sleeping?

I'm sorry. What happened?

I'm sorry.

I have never been so disrespected in my life!

Oh, I... Mr. Zhang, please, my apologies.

This deal is off.

Oh, no, no, no.

Sir, I... sir, please, I can explain.

It was just a technical snafu.

And, Mr. Zhang, please don't leave the room.

Ugh!

What was that?

I have never seen a display like that from you ever.

Graham, I'm so sorry.

My friend's husband left her, and I...

I honestly don't care.

Just get yourself on a plane to Shanghai and fix this now!

She's literally falling apart.

Emma, if you are not on that plane, you are gone, understood?

You mind telling me what you're doing here, sir?

Oh, my God!

Emma?

Mark, what are you doing creeping around?

Mrs. Johanssen from next door called and said there was a broad-shouldered, blazered man sitting on Maggie's porch.

Can you please get the flashlight out of my face?

Oh, sorry, yeah.

What are you doing out here at 3:00 am in the morning?

I messed up something huge at work, and I got to wake up Maggie and tell her that I have to leave like...

And I can't stay like I promised.

And I'm just... I am feeling like... like the worst person.

Well, you kind of are.

I'm sorry?

If that happened to my best friend, I'd stay.

Okay, I don't think you understand.

I've been working for this company for the past 11 years.

They can't give you a couple days off?

No, you know what?

It's a little more complicated, okay, than spending every Saturday night trying to figure out who threw the lawn furniture into the Riveras' pool.

I cracked that case with the help of a very small piece of red t-shirt fabric that belonged to Joffrey Davidson.

His parents were getting a divorce, and he was acting out.

So don't tell me about complicated.

Okay, whatever.

Oh, that's... Okay, you know what?

Do whatever you want like you always have.

You gonna go munch on a doughnut?

Get that out of my face. I'll call the real police.

Guess who's gonna answer the phone.

Who?

Hello? Me.

I can't. I just can't.

Hey.

Mornin', sleepyhead.

Mornin'.

Pop a squat. I'm f*ring up the flapjacks.

I figured it out.

I asked my boss for a couple personal days, and he said, "no."

So you know what I said?

"Screw him," right?

I'm quitting my job.

I'm gonna move in here and help you take care of the baby.

Hey, great. The more the merrier.

What's Bruce doing here?

Well, I mean, he came over early to get some stuff, but then he started crying and saying how he couldn't live without me.

And then I was like, "I'm about to have his baby," you know?

"I should try and work it out."

Is he gonna stop putting stuff up his butt?

Of course.

I mean, he'll probably have to work on it.

Work on it?

Okay, I don't have a lot of choices.

You do have a choice.

I'll move here. I will help you.

That is not an option.

Yes, it is!

You couldn't even drive down Main Street without having a nervous breakdown.

Oh, my God! So I'll just take the side streets.

What is your point?

Hey, can you just take it down a notch, okay?

Because there's raccoons in there that will charge at any minute.

Good! You know what?

They're in there screwing their little raccoon brains out.

They need to know that sometimes life doesn't always work out as planned.

And when that happens, you got to be brave and let your friend help you.

But my raccoon friend likes to jump trash can to trash can.

Okay, when have I ever jumped trash cans on you?

Well, that's what you do when stuff gets hard.

You did it with Mark, you did it with your mom.

And stuff is gonna get hard here, Rm.

The sh... is literally gonna hit the fan.

And you're not gonna be able to Skype in or call Ryuchi, and then you're gonna bail, and I'm gonna be all alone.

You really think I would do that to you?

All right, you know, fine.

If that's what you really think, then I have a plane to catch.

I hope you enjoy life with your new best friend, munichmuncher... what is it?

69.

69!

[One Sunday morning by Wilco]

He finished it.

Babe?

[Sobbing]

Ilka, please try to keep it together.

I'm gonna keep sending you checks for that demo you're recording, all right?

You don't have to do that, daddy.

Don't skimp on a sound engineer.

Promise me that you'll get someone really solid.

If it costs a few more bucks, I'll send it to you.

You're paying for her demo?

No, no, no.

You know what is really confusing to me is why you would put together the whole nursery when you are clearly in love with another woman.

What are you talking about?

I didn't put the nursery together.

Who... oh, my God.

Emma.

Emma did it.

That's a real friend.

And you can't find that...

Okay.

Please shut your face and get out of my house!

[Police radio chatter]

What did we do?

Your driver has an expired registration.

And you have to do this right now?

It's the one thing I have to do right now, you know, because my job's so uncomplicated.

Mark, should I call for backup?

Is that man bothering you?

Mrs. Johanssen, it's Emma Carter, okay?

You know me. I'm a woman.

Mrs. Johanssen, everything's fine.

No, you know what? It's not fine.

I get it, all right?

I'm... I'm a bad person, I screw up, so I am officially sorry, Mark.

I'm sorry to anyone else I may have hurt.

Pakistani man, for whatever I may have done to you.

We have no trouble.

Okay, thank you.

Are you kidding me?

Thank you, Mark.

What is going on?

I asked him to pull you over because I need to talk to you.

Oh, okay.

All right, what?

I love you, and I want you to stay here and help me raise this baby.

Oh, this is different.

Okay, what about all that stuff you said about how I can't handle it?

I don't know if you can handle it.

I honestly don't know if I can handle it, but I do know that you are the only one that I want with me.

Okay?

Sorry I'm late.

Oh. Oh, man.

You'd think I'd have more cardiovascular strength, what, with all the trumpeting I've been doing.

Emma, what do you say?

Will you stay with me in my stupid trash can?

Yes.

Yes, I will stay with you in your stupid trash can.

[Applause]

Kiss her. Kiss her!

It's not like that. We're just very good friends.

I don't care.

After all that, somebody has to kiss.

Well, nobody's gonna be kissing, so...

Yeah.

Oh, my...

Okay, Zach!

Zach!

Give the people what they want.

People definitely didn't want that.

Get outta there! Get outta there!

We did it! We did it!

Ahhhh.

I did it! Go get a drink.

I can't drink.

Oh, get yourself some milk.