01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Thank you, guys. Thank you very much.

[cheers and applause]

One more time for Jim Gaffigan...

♪ ♪

Jim voice-over: That's me: Jim Gaffigan, the really pale good-looking guy coming right at you.

FYI, the camera does add ten pounds.

I'm a stand-up comedian in New York City, and I love what I do.

It's 8:00 on a Thursday, and I feel like I'm king of the city.

♪ ♪

Hi, babe! How was your show?

[baby screaming]

[The Ramones' I Wanna Be Sedated playing]

Jim voice-over: Welcome to the after-party, or as I call it, "home."

♪ ♪

[screaming]

♪ ♪

Oh! Oh, yeah!

Jim voice-over: That's Jeannie, my wife.

I know she's out of my league.

When we're together in public and people find out she's my wife, there's usually an audible, "Wow!"

I used to find it flattering until I realized it was an insult.

If people think Jeannie and I being together is strange, they can't even fathom our home life.

Jim, get Joseph!

Jim voice-over: We live in a two-bedroom apartment in downtown Manhattan with... hold on, I'll let that counter thing catch up.

Roar!

Jim voice-over: Our five children.

That's right, five.

♪ ♪

If you're wondering what it's like being the father of five young children, just imagine you're drowning, and then someone hands you a baby.

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

Right here, this is my favorite part of the day.

When they're all clean, calm, and quiet, I can sit in peace and think about selling some of them.

I'm pregnant.

Hey! Look at you.

[laughing] Yeah.

[beatboxing]

What are you doing? You're having another kid?

You get... you're just more domesticated than my mother's cat.

Jim voice-over: This is my friend Dave.

Our lives are very different, as in I actually have one.

You know, I like being a dad.

It gives my life meaning.

Mm-hmm.

It's not like I planned on starting my own nationality.

You know who tried to do that? h*tler.

Why is it always h*tler with you?

I'm just saying that you have... you have kids everywhere, scattered everywhere... look, there's one right there.

This is a special bonding time with me and my...

My son.

We come here, and we split a pastrami sandwich.

He's sleeping.

Well... that means I can eat his half.

Here's the thing, man. I'm your friend.

I love you, you know? I'm trying to be supportive.

I'm over here.

Yeah.

But your life is pathetic.

My life?

Yes, your life.

You know, that is pretty ironic coming from a guy who lives with his mother in a retirement community.

In a retirement community half a block from a strip joint.

Oh, I take it back.

Wh... why are you attacking me? I'm trying to help y... look, when you... when you showed up here from Iowa...

Indiana.

Whatever.

When you drove here on your... on your pa's tractor, right, who was... who was the first person to befriend you?

Greg Giraldo.

Well, the first person from the clubs.

Tom Shillue.

Who was the first Jew you met?

You?

Yes, me, and... and you're attacking me because you hate yourself for overpopulating the planet.

Have you two heard of birth control?

My wife's a Shiite Catholic.

There's no goalie, Dave.

Well, then you need to get a vasectomy.

I'm not getting a vasectomy.

Why not?

It goes against the basic rule of being a man.

What's that?

You don't put sharp objects anywhere near that.

Don't you learn that when you're, like, eight?

What, you never manscape?

Can... can we just go back to h*tler?

Give me your pickle.

No, no, no, no.

My pickle.

No, give me... aw.

[beatboxing]

Jim.

I'm using the spoon this time.

No. No, it's not that.

I'm not pregnant.

Oh...

I'm sorry, sweetie.

You mean it?

Yeah.

Hope you're not too sad...

Mostly 'cause I don't want to have to share my ice cream with you.

[laughs]

Ugh. It's probably for the best.

One more kid, I think legally we'd have to move to Utah.

You know, it's illegal to wear a thong in Utah.

I could go to jail.

Hey, don't forget Daniel has another apartment he wants to show us tomorrow, and I want you to come and see it 'cause I think this might be the one.

Jim voice-over: We've been saving money to move to a bigger apartment ever since we grew out of this one, which was pretty much immediately.

Jeannie thinks that every new apartment we look at is "the one."

Honey, you always say that.

I never say that.

This is the one.

This is the one.

This is the one.

I'm getting a very strong feeling about this, Jim.

This is the one? You feel it too.

I don't always say that.

No, no, no, I'm laughing about what Dave said today at lunch.

I know you don't like him.

Jim, his date to Mary's christening was a stripper.

She seemed nice.

Anyway, I told him you were pregnant, and he said I should get a vasectomy.

[both laughing]

I was like, "What?"

He's crazy.

Yeah.

Like that would ever happen.

Yeah. Wh... what do you mean?

I mean that would never happen.

Are you... are you saying that, like, you wouldn't let me, like the Pope's gonna find out and take us off the mailing list or something?

I'm not saying that.

Well, it sure sounds like you are.

How about it's my body, my choice?

You ever heard of that?

Listen, I am not saying, Jim, that you can't get a vasectomy.

I'm just saying you won't.

♪ ♪

[scoffs]

♪ ♪

[kids chatter in another room]

Wait, why won't I get a vasectomy?

Are you still on that?

Jim, you're never getting a vasectomy, and we both know it.

Do me a favor and make some peanut butter crackers.

Why wouldn't I?

You won't get a vasectomy because you don't like pain.

Oh, please.

You can't even stand to watch the kids get their nails clipped.

Every time I do it, you run out of the room.

That's 'cause you enjoy it too much, Jeannie.

I don't want you accidentally clipping me or going on some clipping rampage.

When you get your teeth cleaned, you get nitrous.

A lot of people do. It's very common. It hurts.

Right, and getting snipped won't?

No, Mister, don't get snipped.

But Blanca, you're the one always saying we have too many kids.

Si, too many ninos, but they cut off your chilito, you a lady.

They don't cut anything off.

They don't, right?

You don't even know what's involved in the procedure.

I guess I'll, um, call a urologist and set up an appointment and get some information.

Fine. Go ahead.

'Cause I'm an adult, and I'm in charge of my own life, and I make my own decisions.

Those are for the kids.

You gonna make that call?

Well, if you're gonna be like that, then I'm gonna make the call.

I think you should.

I'm serious, Jeannie.

I'm serious too.

I'm doing it!

Of course I'm not doing it.

Well, look, even if you wanted the procedure, it wouldn't be possible because all the parts the doctor needs to work on have been removed already by your wife.

Ha ha. In case you're wondering, it's that kind of comment why you didn't get my pickle yesterday.

Oh, okay. That's why.

It was an actual pickle, ma'am.

Can you come in here so we can maybe have a less public conversation?

No way, man; there's no way I'm going in there with all those kids.

It's like a Petri dish of boogers.

Thank God you're getting a vasectomy, that's all I'm saying.

Why do you feel the need to make an announcement?

I'm not getting a vasectomy.

I'm not even making an appointment to get the information.

But I need Jeannie to think I am because she knows exactly what I'll do and what I won't do, and I hate it.

Yeah, I don't blame you, brother.

And add in the fact she's always right.

This is exactly why I'm not getting married 'cause all women are controlling, castrating nightmares.

Not you, hot-pants. You're doing great.

Excuse me? There are kids in here.

Yes, there are a lot of them. Believe me, I can smell.

What? Stand right there, okay?

Oh, you want a little of this, don't you?

Stand right there. Yeah, here I come.

You want a little of this, huh?

Come on. Let's do it. I got to... Jim, I'm gonna...

All right, I'll see ya.

[beatboxing]

♪ ♪

Daniel, I know I've said this before, but...

both: This is the one.

Jim voice-over: Daniel used to date Jeannie before he figured out he was gay.

Now no one is good enough for her, especially not me.

I know. You've got the downstairs.

You got the... the master's unbelievable.

It's the size of our current living room.

And if, for some reason, this isn't the one, there is a new building, four bedrooms, hardwood floors, in SOHO.

I don't like SOHO.

I don't either.

It's a hellhole. But you know what I do love?

What?

This coat.

You picked this out the last time we went shopping.

I know.

Do you love the apartment, Jim?

Is that a Shake Shack going in on the corner?

It is.

I love this place.

Okay, I know we have to get home to the babysitter, but I've got to go look at that bedroom one more time.

I think I might be able to do a cartwheel in there.

Don't hurt yourself.

Jim, have you lost weight?

Uh, no.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

I am a little worried about Jeannie.

Why?

She was with me in college.

Now she's with you.

Is there a history of mental illness in her family?

No, I... I think she just decided she didn't want to be with a snide, nasty bitch.

I love this place.

What are you guys talking about?

Oh, I was just about to ask Jim about his vasectomy.

Really?

♪ ♪

Jim: What's the big deal?

I don't think it's right for you to discuss my under bits with Daniel or anyone.

[laughing] Your under bits?

Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

[Jeannie tuts] I'm sorry.

If you really want to find out about a vasectomy, I should support that.

Yeah, you should.

Good, I'm glad you agree because I found you a really good urologist, and I made you an appointment.

It's Monday, at 3:00.

Jim voice-over: Well played, Mrs. Gaffigan. Well played.

The game is on.

Great.

Excellent.

You can learn all about the two incisions they're gonna make in your scrotum.

If you're saying that to scare me, it didn't work.

Jim voice-over: Okay, it worked a little.

Jeannie: Good job helping push, guys.

Jeannie, good morning.

Good morning, Father.

And who is this?

This is Jim, my husband.

You have a husband?

H... how wonderful.

[laughs]

I... I thought she was a widow 'cause I'll see her all alone with all these children every Sunday, made me so very sad.

I... I've been to church.

[laughing] Oh, no, no, no.

You see, I came here from Africa three months ago, and I would remember you because you're so fat.

I am Father Nicholas Ngugumbane from Kalanga in Zimbabwe.

Such a beautiful family.

Oh, thank you. Hard to believe he's considering a vasectomy.

Really?

Daddy, what's a sepomy?

I can get one?

Really.

Didn't I just ask you not to discuss my under bits with other people?

Jim, I only told Father Nicholas because I thought he would tell you not to go to the appointment, and then you would have been out, which is what you want.

Admit it.

We'll see tomorrow at 3:00 who wants an out.

That didn't even make sense!

We'll see what doesn't make sense tomorrow at 3:00.

What?

Hi. To be clear, I'm only here for the consultation.

We've all heard stories of people getting organs removed by accident.

Don't worry. It's just a consultation.

Okay.

Hey, for the consultation, do you guys offer nitrous?

[laughing] I was kidding. Got you.

Unless you do. I mean...

All right, I'll be back here.

Jim: Well, look who's here.

Yeah, here's your guy.

What kind of friend would I be if I wasn't here to hold your hand while you got neutered?

I did the same thing for my mother's cat, by the way.

What's with the baby? They got pastrami here too?

No, just a crafty move by Jeannie.

She took off and left me alone at home with the baby, thinking I'd cancel the appointment.

Uh-huh.

But I showed her.

I brought the baby.

Right. Okay.

Advantage Jim.

[laughing] Wow, man.

That's like Game of Thrones, you know, except not at all interesting.

Hey, there you go.

What's this?

It's proof that you were here so we can leave.

Let's go.

Oh, that's brilliant.

Yeah.

Why didn't I think of that?

You don't have the dirt-bag gene.

I got to get one of those.

We could go to Shake Shack.

Okay.

[indistinct chatter]

That wheel's a silly one.

Hey, everybody.

kids: Hi, Daddy.

Daddy.

What are you guys doing here?

Are you checking up on me?

You've got your coat. Where are you going?

I... I'm not going anywhere.

Why is he here?

Why is he here?

Hi, Jeannie.

Hi, Dave.

Well, I'm here because I was out looking at new apartments and ran into Jeannie and the kids, and... what did you tell me to say?

What? I didn't tell you to say anything, Daniel.

Well, we definitely did not discuss your under bits.

Look, I'm just here supporting a friend, and, ah, you know, trying to put an end to this madness.

woman: Gaffigan.

Jim, you don't have to do this.

I'm... I'm sorry if I pushed you this far.

Let's just go home.

woman: Gaffigan?

That's me.

Gaffigan.

Hello, I'm Dr. Weiss.

Uh...

Hi.

Hi.

Just so I'm clear, which one of you is here to discuss the procedure?

Ah, just me.

And these people?

Well, these are my children.

You understand it's not necessary to prove that you need a vasectomy?

You know what, Doctor? I... I have a question... um...

In your medical opinion, which is more painful, a vasectomy or getting one's nails clipped?

That's my wife.

There's a history of mental illness in her family.

Jim...

This... this is her friend Daniel.

He's also our real estate guy.

I actually mostly work downtown if you're thinking about a move or lunch.

Ah, I'm not, but thank you.

Dave: How you doing, Dr. Weiss?

Dave Marks, ah, Jim's best friend, stand-up.

I'm sure you've caught the act.

You don't have any, ah, free samples of penicillin, by any chance?

No.

Nope, okay.

I'm just gonna... let me out here?

Yeah.

Okay. There you go.

Dave: Yep.

This is quite a group you have here, Mr. Gaffigan, and this is just the consultation.

I can't wait to see how many people you bring to the actual procedure.

Yes?

What's the under bits?

What'd she say?

What?

Really?

Does that... I didn't... let the doctor speak.

Please, go on, Doctor.

Okay. Well, the easiest way to explain how the procedure works is...

That looks like Florida. Is that Florida?

Wow, can we roll that right back up where it was?

Absolutely.

Yes, I'm sorry.

You know what? I don't think this is the best place for the kids. Let's just...

No.

Let's... come on, guys. Let's go outside while Daddy pretends to talk to the doctor.

I'm not pretending, and... and I'll give you an update, and you can fill in Daniel and our priest and update my Wikipedia page.

Give me a call.

Thank you.

I... I'm so sorry about all this.

It's fine.

Would you like me to explain the procedure now?

Yes, please.

Okay.

First we make two incisions on each side of your scrotum.

I'm not doing that. No way.

Glad I could be of service. Thank you very much.

Oh, but you know what? If you could do me a favor, can you just stay in here for, like, 15 minutes so my wife thinks that I'm considering the procedure?

Mr. Gaffigan, I've got other patients to see.

Really? You don't got 15 minutes?

No.

Oh. Really?

Thank you.

Positive? Okay.

Yes.

Sorry.

All right.

Is it okay if I stay in here? Please?

Yeah, you probably should.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Why aren't you eating your pierogies?

Oh, you know what? I'm worried about the kids.

I wish we'd had time to find better babysitters.

Why don't they stop moving?

Dave, can I please just get some help?

This is me helping.

Well, if you're worried about the kids, why'd you say you wanted to talk alone?

Because I want this whole vasectomy thing to end.

Oh, it'll end... next Thursday, when I get my vasectomy.

Jim, stop.

There is no vasectomy.

There never was a vasectomy.

You... you will get a tan before you get a vasectomy.

Well, it looks like I'm getting a tan.

Ow. All right.

I guess it just bothers me that you know me so well.

I'm your wife. I'm supposed to know you so well.

Jeannie, isn't there supposed to be... mystery in a relationship?

Honey, half the things you do are a complete mystery to me.

So what you're saying is I'm alluring.

Yes, you're alluring, and you're easy to read.

That's why I'm right about you all the time.

Well, I'm right about you all the time too.

You're never right about me.

Really?

Really.

I know you well enough to know that we could see the greatest apartment in the history of New York City.

We could see an apartment made of gold, and you'd be like, "I don't know if I like gold."

First of all, I don't talk like that.

And second of all, what are you talking about?

I mean, I love it.

Why would anyone in their right mind ever want to sell this apartment?

They're getting divorced.

Oh, no.

Oh, gosh. We can't live here.

Let's go. Come on, quick.

It's not contagious.

Nope. No good. Baby doesn't like it.

Baby looks fine.

This baby, Jim, this baby.

What was wrong with that one?

You see that?

What is that building right there?

It looks like a prison.

I think it's a bank.

Well, now I got the prison thing in my head.

I know how you feel.

It's a bank.

Okay, it's happened a couple of times.

A couple?

A couple.

But that doesn't mean that you know me as well as I know you.

Well, I know you don't want to move.

Jim, we're in that tiny place. Of course I want to move.

And you don't want to move because you love that tiny place.

That's where the kids were born, where they learned to walk and talk and throw up on me, and you don't want to leave those memories.

You're not wrong about me all the time.

Let's go.

I want to get to the park before Child Services does.

What about the pierogies?

Leave them.

What?

Hey, if you know everything about me and you're always right, how much did I leave for a tip?

$6.

Wrong!

I left $7.

Wow. Look at you.

Maybe I don't know you so well after all, man of mystery.

[laughs]

I'm not leaving seven bucks.

These are perfectly good pierogies.

♪ ♪

Kids! Kids!

Stop licking the swings!

Dave, can I get a hand here please?

There's no way I'm getting in there with those little swing-lickers.

Everybody, let's go. I think Jim and Jeannie should be back by now.

Do we have all the kids?

If we're one short, we'll just grab somebody else's kid.

You know what I mean? As long as he's white, you know, they got so many, I'm sure they can't tell them apart.

And I'm the one who can't get married in some states.

Kids, let's go!

Sir, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just, ah, watching these beautiful children.

Are any of these your children?

[laughing] No, sir.

You need to come with me, sir.

Oh, I see where you're going.

Sir, No, no, no, no. you need to come with me.

See, I... I wasn't watching them in a licentious way.

Come on.

No, I dig women.

This worked out well.

We could get dessert.

Shake Shack?

You know me so well.

I do.

Let's leave them here.

No. We need to get them.

All right.

Gaffigan kids!

Gaffigans!

There's one!

There's one!

[singing and beatboxing]

♪ ♪