04x21 - What Happens In Vegas

[bunniefuu]

So, you're probably all wondering why I called this family meeting.

You have no respect for other people's time and you like to hear yourself talk?

True, but not why I'm here.

I need to talk to you about the wedding, and, more importantly, about Brad.

Yes! Okay! Who had them breaking up Wednesday night at 9:00?

I said Tuesday!

I always say go the distance.

Tomorrow!

Wait, wait, wait, hold on!

Did you actually bet on Brad and I breaking up and calling off the wedding?

(Mumbling)

I mean, you guys are a little on-again off-again.

On, off. On, off, on, off.

I could keep going, but you get it.

I am not breaking up with Brad.

This is exactly what I wanted to talk to you heartless pack of delinquents about.

Brad and I are getting married.

He's about to become your father, and I want you to start treating him like one.

You want us to hit him up for money?

Oh my God.

You know, you're right, mom.

We're sorry. We're being insensitive.

Thank you, Benji.

And if you could learn to say "you're right, mom" more often, we could have a lot fewer family meetings.

And we're gonna try to be a lot more supportive and respectful.

Thank you.

Okay, who wants to change their bets?

It's wide open here.

(Both talking)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change directions ♪

You know what I what I love mot mom and Brad getting married?

He's ten years younger so we're off the hook for taking care of her when she gets old?

No, it's that they found each other.

They're obviously meant to be.

Meant to be? Pfft.

That's not even a real thing.

If it was, Riley and I would be together 'cause no one is more meant to be than we are.

Dude, seriously, let it go.

You broke up, twice.

I think the only thing you're meant to be is over.

Tucker agrees with me, right?

Oh, that we're sick of you talking about Riley?

Oh, totally.

Thank you.

And what's with the suitcase?

Oh. You know, that time of year again.

TV convention in Detroit.

Worst weekend ever.

And that includes the weekend I went discount sky-diving.

"Pull the cord!" What cord?

You know?

(Phone vibrating)

Hey, Corrie.

You got everything set up?

Awesome.

This is gonna be the best weekend ever.

Hey, Ben.

Danny! Just the man I was looking for.

I would like for you to be my best man.

Your best man? I'm so honored!

Well, you've been such a great friend and so supportive of my relationship with your mother, I thought that you'd be the perfect choice.

Plus mom tried to sleep with your dad then made out with your brother, so they're probably off the list.

Yeah, that's too.

But, your first official duty is to throw me a wild, crazy, somewhat filthy, last-night-as-a-single-man bachelor party!

But dignified. (Clears throat)

And secret.

Oh! I'm in!

And I'm single again, so a night out with the boys is perfect.

No stupid girls to distract us.

I think you're kind of missing the point of this party.

I'll work with him.

So what's the big news?

Oh, it's about the wedding, and I think you'll be very happy.

I'm bumping you up to maid of honor.

My sister just crapped out.

Really? You can have my sister if you want.

An even duller version of you?

(Chuckles) Yeah. No, thanks.

And the first order of business as my maid of honor is to throw me a wild, crazy, somewhat filthy, last-night-as-a-single-woman bachelorette party.

But dignified and secret.

Hello, ladies.

Mom, guess what.

Brad just made me his best man.

Isn't that awesome?

And your mom just made me her maid of honor.

Wow. What a day.

And I get to plan the bachelor party.

It's gonna be epic.

I don't think I was supposed to tell you that.

What?

No!

No, no, no, no!

Do you have any idea what kind of trouble Brad will get into with these boys in charge?

But, Mrs. Wheeler, you just asked me...

Riley, when we do it, it's fun and silly.

When they do it, it's perverted.

Gosh, I'll bet they'll have strippers.

Brad has a very hard time saying no to women who take their clothes off.

Don't ask me how I know.

Ben. Ben, come here.

I just figured out what you can get me for a wedding present.

I wasn't going to get you a wedding present.

Well, you are now.

You need to make sure that Brad's bachelor party is dull and boring.

Meaning no drinking, no hookers, no lap dances.

Why would I do that?

Seems like the only person that hurts is me.

Because I'm your mother and I asked you to.

(Crying) Besides, Ben, I just...

I just really want to start this relationship out right.

It's not easy finding love again at my age.

I just wish you could be a little more supportive.

Mom! Mom, calm down! Okay, I'm sorry.

I got it. I'll take care of it, I promise.

And people think Danny's the gullible one.

So I'm thinking, if we use the bar, we can cut down on cost and get more strippers.

More strippers?

No strippers. We can't do strippers.

What's wrong with strippers?

Well, for one thing, everyone of those sweet, nearly-naked, pole-dancing girls is someone's daughter.

Oh. You're right.

Never really thought about where strippers come from.

Guys, look, I'm sorry I gotta miss the bachelor party, but I'm off to Detroit.

Hey, if you don't hear from me in three days just call the police.

I've been bored to death.

Okay, have fun.

Oh, wait!

I think Tucker forgot his itinerary in the printer.

Oh! I'll catch him.

Wait.

One round-trip ticket to Las Vegas and a suite on the strip?

Tucker's going to Vegas?

He lied?

What's in Vegas?

Women, gambling and liquor.

The perfect ingredients for an amazing bachelor party.

But you just said...

I know. Hold on.

I'm having an argument with my conscience.

And he's down!

Danny, that's what we're doing for Brad's party!

We're going to Vegas!

Emma, we're going to Vegas! Come on!

I managed to convince Danny to book some cabin-y, woodsy, middle of nowhere-y something or other.

Honestly, it was so dull, I nodded off halfway through the description.

You are a good son.

No phone, no cell, no Internet.

So no point in even trying to call us to check on our story.

Now, see you guys in a couple days, you know, if I haven't d*ed from boredom.

God, sounds horrible.

I'm actually starting to feel sorry for Brad.

Okay, that passed.

So what do you have planned for us?

Okay. So, how do you feel about a tea party at the central park boathouse?

(Gasps) Oh!

A tea party at a boathouse?

What am I, five? God, try again!

Hey, did Ben already leave for Vegas?

Vegas?

They went to Vegas?

Now that I say it out loud, I think it was a secret.

Those rotten, scheming little liars!

I'm gonna put a stop to this.

Good luck, they're just gonna deny it.

You know what? Good idea, Riley.

We need to catch them in the act.

Yeah, yeah, uh-huh. We are going to Vegas!

No, no, no, no. No, not quite what I meant!

Yeah! We're going to Vegas!

Mrs. Wheeler, no!

Smell that?

Old smoke, dirty money, and recycled air.

God, I love Vegas!

Well, before anybody does anything they regret, and trust me, I will, I need to drop Emma off at the Hotel Sitter.

24-hour day care.

Now, that's what I call a family vacation.

Hey, don't you think we should call Tucker and tell him that we're here?

Uh, no, 'cause then he's gonna stop doing whatever it is he's doing, and we won't be able to mock him for it when we catch him doing it.

And also my follow spot is off.

If the people can't see me, they can't fall in love with me.

Oh, Silky.

It's so good to have you back.

I never miss your show.

Oh, thank you, Margaret.

You know, it's always good to see my regulars.

You know, I hear Sinatra lost his virginity to her.

(Slot machines whirring)

You hear that?

Roulette wheels, slot machines and broken dreams.

God, I love Vegas!

All right, let's go find those idiots and send them packing.

(Gasps) Oh, my God!

Look at that.

Peter Oliver, Las Vegas' greatest magician, is performing on the main stage.

I have seen him three times.

He's amazing.

He once made my bra disappear.

You know, that's not really much of a trick.

Hey, mom, just wanted to let you know we made it.

Cell service is pretty bad here, so it might cut... now there's an ass I'll never forget.

Uhh!

Riley? What are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be at home with my mom?

Oh, I'm with your mom.

Yeah, your bartender filled us in.

Oh, my God, my mother's here?

Um, any way you can cover for us and tell her that he got it all wrong and we're not really here?

And why would I do that?

I just spent six hours on a plane with your mother, okay?

I have absolutely no intention...

I'll get you out of being her maid of honor.

Deal. Never saw you.

Cool. Um, so we'll just split the strip.

We'll never see each other. You want north or south?

I will take south.

Wait, no, there's nothing fun south, is there?

No.

You gambled and you lost. That's Vegas for you.

Here's to not seeing you around.

Here's to "Brad the pad" becoming "Brad the stepdad" and "Brad the granddad."

Dude, in just one engagement, you've aged yourself two generations.

Yo! What are you guys doing in here?

I said meet me outside the north entrance.

We can't be here. It's too south...

Of where all the action is.

Come on, let's go.

God! You know what?

Change of plans. What's the rush?

We never sit and just talk.

And you searched the entire hotel?

Yep, and they are definitely not here.

But-but we should head south. South seems right.

Yeah. Yeah, south is good.

Definitely. Definitely south.

Okay, Rain Man, I got it. South. Jeez.

Ladies and gentlemen, the lounge off the lobby is proud ♪ come fly with me ♪ s.

♪ Let's fly, let's fly away ♪

Tucker?

♪ If you can use some exotic booze ♪
♪ there's a bar in far Bombay ♪

Tucker?

Oh, hell no!

♪ Let's fly, let's fly away ♪

Bonnie?

Brad?

What are you doing here?

I believe catching you in the act of being a lying jerk!

How could you?

Come on, Bonnie, it's one night!

You couldn't let me have one night?

Oh, okay, you know, you can have all the nights you want!

What's that supposed to mean?

It means if you can lie to me like this, maybe we shouldn't get married!

Hey! Hey! Pipe down!

Can't you see Silky is singing?

Why don't you scurry on back to "The Golden Girls" convention?

(Both arguing)

(All shouting)

I don't know them!

I thank you all so much!

What is wrong with you people?

I mean, is there anything you don't know how to ruin?

Dude, what was up with that?

Yeah, why didn't you tell us?

(Sighs)

Well, do you guys want the whole story?

Yeah, we do.

Okay, when I was eight, I went to space camp...

(all groan)

A little less.

Okay. Um, on my 13th birthday...

(all groan)

Are you kidding me?

Still less.

Hey, for the last five years, I've been coming to Vegas for a weekend and living out my dream of being a lounge singer.

I didn't want to tell you 'cause I knew you'd make fun of me.

That's not true.

We would never make fun of you... Silky.

See? Oh, my... hey, guys, Tucker's right.

We don't support each other like we should.

And you two, you don't trust each other like you should.

There is no "us two" anymore.

But you're meant to be.

He's right.

I don't need strippers and hookers and dirty women.

I have you.

Oh, Brad.

That's exactly what you said on our first date.

I love you so much.

Yes!

And I'm still maid of honor.

Hooray.

Okay, what about this?

The boys and girls just go out separately, maybe have a few drinks, catch a show, and then we'll all meet up for brunch in the morning.

That sounds like a perfect plan.

There's no reason for us to go crazy.

Oh, what the hell happened last night?

I know we had drinks.

I remember drinks.

And Elvis.

Yeah, Elvis was definitely there.

And a dolphin.

(Knock on door)

Morning.

Honeymoon breakfast for the newlyweds.

Uh, sorry, dude, you've got the wrong room.

No one here got married.

Really? That one should check his finger.

Why am I wearing a ring?

Did I marry that stripper?

I married that stripper, didn't I?

God, I have a problem with saying no to naked women!

Hey!

Does anyone know why I'm wearing a wedding ring?

You married that guy.

I married my stepdad?

Okay, okay, this still doesn't explain the dolphin.

Your stepdad? That's a new one.

And this is Vegas. I'm gonna go.

We're married?

No, no, no, no, this is not happening.

I'm meeting your mother in half an hour.

She will notice that I am married!

We'll deal with this later, okay?

Just lose the ring for now.

Right, right. Lose the ring.

Uhh.

It's stuck! The ring is stuck!

Here. Pull.

Pull!

(Groans)

I see you won the "who gets to stay in the bed" coin toss.

What happened last night?

Not a clue.

Oh, my God, what time is it?

Aah!

Aah!

Ah. This is why I never drink with fans.

Oh, right.

We went to see a magician.

Okay, we have a "good news, bad news" situation pretty sure I know what the bad news is.

I married my fiancee's son.

I found a locksmith willing to open his shop and saw that ring off your finger.

We just gotta be there in 15 minutes.

You just said "saw" and "finger" in the same sentence.

I'm going to need a sh*t.

I managed to find a locksmith.

He said he'll be there for the next 15 minutes.

You're a magician!

How could you not know how to get out of handcuffs?

I know how to get out of my handcuffs.

These are yours.

Bonnie! Bonnie!

Hey!

Hey!

Get over here, you.

Wait, aren't you Peter Oliver?

I'm Silky Dobbs, the other headliner here.

Yeah, I know.

My mom Margaret won't shut up about you.

Uh, yeah, we went to Peter's show last night, and he gives a tour to everyone he saws in half.

So, this is the lobby.

(All talking)

Well, this was fun.

Uh, we'll see you guys at brunch in an hour.

Okay, bye.

We'll see you in a bit.

Okay, then. Bye-bye now.

You know, usually when someone says "bye, now" there's a lot more movement than this.

Well! I see the newlyweds are out and about.

I guess you got over the whole "marrying your stepdad" thing.

What are you talking abut?

Yeah, this one married the big one.

You married my son?

I swear it is not true.

(Gasps) Oh, really?

Then why are you wearing a wedding ring?

Oh, my God, I've turned another one!

No, it was a big drunken mistake.

That's exactly what Ray said!

But, mom, mom, it's not like we exchanged vows and a super romantic ceremony.

Actually, you did.

I found the video on my phone.

Uh, Mrs. Wheeler, why don't you take a nice 15-mimute walk and think about this?

You know, don't get handcuffed to any kind of reaction.

Oh. Right. Um, you know what?

Good idea.

Excuse me, but you're not allowed to take these from the hotel.

Ta-da!

Would you believe this is the end of a very long trick?

Why are you handcuffed to another man?

Okay, um, Brad, I can explain.

It was Riley's fault.

Yeah, she's the one who told me to go up on stage... absolutely none of this is my fault.

This is all Ben's fault.

My fault? The best man's in charge of the bachelor party.

Wait, hey, hey, we never would have come to Vegas if it wasn't for Tucker.

Hold up, this is not my fault.

(All arguing)

(Laughing)

What are you guys laughing about?

This!

I mean, this is typical us.

Don't look now, but I married your son.

No worries. I'm just handcuffed to another man!

I mean, who does that?

Us.

We do.

We do.

Yes, and this is not awkward.

This I gonna be the best wedding story ever.

I'd still like to get out of these.

Let me get a picture first.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, all right.

Maybe they really are meant to be.

Told you.

Hey, you guys look familiar.

Were you the ones trying to steal my dolphin?

All: That's where we saw it!

(All talking)

Okay, baby, home sweet home.

I can't wait for you to start talking so I can find out where the hell you got this outfit.

You know what, Danny? You were right.

There is such a thing as "meant to be."

If mom and Brad can make it work after all they've been through, maybe Riley and I can make it work, too.

Oh, my God, dude, can you please just get over it?

No, I can't just pretend I don't have feelings for her.

Yeah, you can.

You wouldn't know.

Trust me, I know.

I just... I wish Riley and I...

Ben, for the last time, there is no "Riley and you."

How can you say that to me?

Because I've been in love with her my entire life.

And I think she loves me, too.

Well, congratulations.

I hope you're very happy together.

Come here.

(Door closes)

"Ride away" (By Roy Rrbison begins to play)

♪ It's perfect for a flying honeymoon they say ♪
♪ so come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly ♪
♪ pack up, let's fly away ♪

Oh!

Whoo!

Thank you, Margaret.

Hey, same time next year?

Why wait?

What?