01x01 - Public Spaces

[bunniefuu]

Tonight it's the etiquette of public spaces, in the supermarket, the cinema...

Hey!

.. and on the street...

You guys look amazing today.

Out on a hot date, bit of Tinder surprise.

That's How Not to Behave.

Hello, I'm Matt Okine.

And I'm Gretel Killeen.

Welcome to How Not to Behave.

Yeah, the show that humans have needed for the last 40,000 years.

Yes, Matt and I are devotees of the great etiquette gurus of our time --

Emily Post, Miss Manners and AA Milne, the author of Winnie The Pooh.

Yes, it was he who once famously wrote, 'Oh, Tigger, where are your manners?'

And Tigger replied, 'I don't know, but I bet they're having more fun than I am.'

For tonight's show, we're leaving the comfort of our second-hand futons to talk public spaces.

Whether you're on the bus or in a lift or waiting in line at the shops, your personal space is constantly -- like a Steven Seagal movie -- under siege.

Ooh, excellent reference.

And...

(Laughs)

.. not only is...

It's so modern, isn't it?

Yeah, what is that? Like, from before you were born?

OK.

So, you're personal space is under siege, but you are, perhaps unwittingly, assaulting someone else's personal space as well, which can make people angry, depressed, even violent, and blah, blah, blah, perhaps lead to the extinction of the human race.

Let's start with queuing.

Now, according to one survey in the UK, we spend six months of our lives in queues.

Add another three if you like slamming schooners at music festivals.

Yeah.

OK.

Add another seven if you're a woman in a toilet queue.

So, how should we handle these human centipedes of frustration?

Let's take a look.

Aww!

(Voice-over): A queue is a complex living organism that abides by its own set of rules.

Jumping ahead of a small fast-moving queue is of little consequence.

Emma! How are you?

Good. How are you?

Good. You gonna get a coffee?

Yeah. Yeah, why not?

Oh. You don't mind, do you?

Go ahead.

Oh, hey, Kat.

A supermarket queue, however, is a different species, and the same rules do not apply.

Do you wanna pop in?

Oh, yeah, if that's alright.

Yeah, of course.

Thank you.

When there are several queues, it maybe tempting to hedge your bets by placing a proxy in each line.

No, honey, stay in 13 -- it could pick up speed at any time.

Luke, I want you out of 14. 7's gone live. Go, go, go!

Evie, stay in 11. Looks like he's paying cash.

Resourcefulness is encouraged, but occupying more than one line at a time is frowned upon.

Toilet paper.

If you forget an item, the line of sight rule comes into play.

As long as you stay within sight of the rest of the queue, it is OK to run and grab an item.

Oh! (Tuts)... Wasabi-flavoured soy chips.

But as soon as the people in the queue can no longer see you, they lose the ability to predict how much longer they will have to wait and become uncertain and confused.

I'm allergic to soy, don't worry about it.

No, see, I don't think about sight, Gretel --

I think it's about whether there's anything left on the conveyor belt.

If there's items there, you can do what you want -- go taste olives, you can see which barbecue chicken is the biggest, you know, feel around, get the meaty bits...

That is a horrible gesticulation.

When my kids were little, we lived in Kings Cross, and we went to the local supermarket and they wore roller blades.

And there was a really, really long queue.

So I just joined the queue as soon as we arrived, and they'd have a list and just scoot around with the roller blades and throw them into the trolley.

It's a jungle out there, Matt.

Uh... we wanted to find out more about life in the fast lane, so we polled the nation on an issue that's created more controversy than child immunisation.

It's the '12 items or less' aisle in the supermarket.

Ah.

Oooh, yes.

So, more than half of you -- 56%, in fact -- think 12 is just a guide.

Yep.

49% of men, compared to 65% of women, just sneak extra items through the express lane like it ain't no thang.

Go girl!

No, it's a thang, alright? It's a thang.

What does that mean?

Just 12 is 12.

What's 'a thang' mean?

What is that?

You gotta stick to the number.

Oh, you don't stick to the number. Nobody does.

How did they choose 12 items? Like, is that the tipping point?

'Ooh, 13. Oh, my God, what's gonna happen?'

Has anyone actually been caught? And what are the consequences?

I mean, what happens -- do you go to jail?

And why are there not other queues?

Like, for the dawdlers or for the people who chat to the checkout people?

Or what about those ones who are even worse?

Who spend all that time in the queue, then they buy everything and go through all of the register, and they go... (Gasps) 'I have to pay?'

(Laughs)

'I need a card or money?

Oh, I'll just spend 45 minutes remembering where it is.'

Like Matt.

But that's just the supermarket, alright?

Queuing in a bar is a whole different story.

I've got a friend, he's like, 'I guarantee you I'll b*at the queue every time.'

He wriggles his way through to the front...

And this is what you do if you ever want to b*at the queue.

As soon as the bartender just glances their eyes at you, you just immediately go 'He was next.'

Alright?

They'll serve them first and then immediately... boom, you're in. Would you do something like that? Is that OK?

We all have the opportunity to be mean and inconsiderate of others, but many of us choose not to be.

Your friend -- who clearly is you... should be reprimanded.

Alright, so that is not OK.

Alright.

Well, different cultures have different attitudes to queuing.

That is so true. Do you know once when I was in London, I bent down to do up my shoe and a queue just formed behind me.

They just love order.

What were they waiting for?

I dunno. Checking out my bum. I don't know!

I saw a great queuing strategy in Thailand. Have you seen this?

Where the people don't actually queue, but they take off their shoes and their shoes queue.

And then they just sit there and chillax.

I learnt that word from you.

Even in China, right, you can hire a professional queuer to hold your spot.

Right? Yeah.

They put the job on the internet.

Apparently applications are so popular, the line-up for it went around the corner.

No, no, no, but it's happening in Australia as well.

That's the thing, right? The trend has popped up in Australia on websites like Airtasker, with people requesting line-sitters for stuff like The Game Of Thrones exhibition, the latest iPhone 6.

By the time people get to the front of the queue, there's an iPhone 8, whatever.

7.

12.

Alright, let's get out of the queue. Alright?

We're gonna head out into the street.

OK, have you ever heard of the term, 'charity muggers'?

Yes, I have, and I really hate it.

It refers to the people in the street who have their clipboards and they're raising money for charity.

But it's such a social dilemma because they're doing a job that they're getting paid for, they're raising money for a worthy cause...

But they're so annoying, Gretel.

I know.

But isn't that a dilemma?

You freak out when you see them on the street.

I know. I know.

(Shrieks) 'I've gotta cross the road.' And then you see more and you're, like, Ah! Can't go to the shops.'

And you turn around. It's so scary.

I know, terrible.

Terrible, terrible.

Oh! Look, if you're unsure of how to handle being ambushed by one of these angels of mercy/ clipboard-wielding enthusiasts, we can help you.

Here are some handy rules you need to follow.

You guys look amazing today.

Out on a hot date, bit of Tinder surprise...

(Voice-over): To give is more important than to receive.

Opening your hearts and your wallet can make a difference to the lives of others and the world around you.

But nobody likes being accosted by a stranger on the street.

The charity mugger is found in areas of high foot traffic and bamboozles pedestrians into giving them their bank details.

Hey, buddy, you look amazeballs today...

Any acknowledgement of the person with the clipboard immediately invites engagement.

There are three key steps to dogging a charity mugger.

Avoid eye contact, change course and act in a distracted manner.

Hi.

Hey?

Mum.

If you get waylaid by a charity mugger try and avoid telling them how you really feel.

Hey, buddy, you look amazeballs today.

You gotta sec...

Get a job. You make me sick.

Good manners cost nothing, so you may wish to consider a charm offensive.

Hey! You look amazeballs. Can I have a second of your time?

Just collecting a couple of dollars for the albino orangutan. - Hi there.

I truly appreciate what your doing but I'm off to a very important meeting.

Oh. I'll stop and chat if you're still here on my way back.

Can I just say, you look 'amazing balls' today too.

Aww, thanks.

Bye. - Cheers.

If you lack the confidence to be charming, you can always resort to a little white lie.

Hey, mate! Can I ask you a quick question?

Are you a man or a humanitar-a-man, hey?

Oh, I'm sorry, I just donated to the other guy up the street, so...

However, be careful not to go overboard and belittle the entire notion of charity.

Hey, mate, can I ask you a quick question?

Oh, sure.

Gosh, I am running late for my space mission, but I tell you what, you put me down for a million bucks a month and that will be perfect for me.

Thank you.

I am 100% an excuse person.

Like what?

Well, the other day it happened to me.

Walking home from the shops and a girl said, 'Oh, you know, have you got time for this?'

And I said, 'Oh, no.'

And I always go, 'Look, I'm not feeling very well.'

Alright? I said, 'Oh, I'm actually a bit sick.'

And and she just straightaway goes, 'So's the Barrier Reef.'

And I was, like, 'Yeah, well, the Barrier Reef's not carrying three bags of shopping, is it?'

What are you supposed to do to that?

Actually, metaphorically it is. But, um...

Plastic bags.

Thank you very much.

I tell you what I do.

Sometimes I pretend I don't speak English.

Oh, what? What do you say?

No, you know what I actually do?

Are you a mime?

Yeah... And then I blow in the wind.

No.

It's so guilt-oriented, but these people do have jobs.

I mean, it's horrible.

It's like people who complain, 'Oh, there I was eating dinner and then the phone rang and somebody wanted to raise money for the starving.'

(Chuckles)

'How annoying is that?'

The weird thing though, is they actually do the trick.

So street fundraising is the most THE effective way of fundraising.

It recruits 300,000 new donors and raises around $200 million for charities in Australia every single year.

'Cause I don't ever see anyone talking to them.

When do you see people talking to them?

Well, follow me around, I'm always going... 'Que? Que? Que?'

(Laughs)

But... you know?

I mean, I guess the money means that we'll actually pay and join up to things that we don't understand simply to regain our personal space.

Yeah. Well, how entitled are we to our personal space?

That's the question.

The How Not To Behave Social Experiment department sent the fearless and possibly inappropriate Zoe Coombs Marr to find out.

Like your umbrella.

Sorry, was I standing too close to you?

Oh, I'm terrible with that.

Hello. (Laughs)

Just a personal space thing.

Your shadow is actually coming a fair bit into this space here.

If you were just to move slightly back that way, then that's gonna alleviate that issue.

Sorry. Would you mind moving over just a little bit?

'Cause, um, my personal space is about 30cm and...

Cheers. Yeah, you're fine there.

If you can keep on the other side of that line, that'd be great.

Kind of feel like it's good to sort of establish these things... early on.

You can sit on my lap if you want.

Really?

(Speaks indistinctly)

Oh, Zoe Coombs Marr getting up in ya grill like a toasted tuna sandwich.

You know what she left out?

The only thing she left out -- she's so comprehensive -- was when you're out for dinner and the musicians come into your personal space.

What, the violin players and stuff?

Yeah.

Where the hell are you dining?

Cuba. I was in Cuba.

Alright, now it's time to welcome our guest.

She's the queen of urban design and knows all about how public spaces work with human behaviour.

Would you please welcome Linda Gregoriou.

Thanks. Thank you.

Now, Linda, you have worked all over the world.

How does the concept of personal space differ in other countries?

Well, personal space is about an invisible barrier that we all have, and it's about feeling safe or feeling comfortable or feeling threatened.

And there's basically sort of four types of space -- there's intimate space, so...

Do you want me to get that?

No, no, no, not yet.

Not yet. So there's intimate space.

So, the sort of space you'd have with your mother, father...

I was gonna say 'brother, sister'. Maybe not.

But a loved one, OK? And then there's personal space.

So the good rule of thumb -- and you have to excuse the pun -- but good personal space is from the tip of your thumb to your elbow.

And you're... No, you don't have to move back, but you're sort of...

Encroaching your personal space?

Exactly.

Well, that's about the limit. So it's about 45cm.

But what about the knee distance?

Well, it's sort of more about sort of from shoulder to shoulder, really.

So it's, like, just me and then, like... 'Who's your daddy?'

That sort of thing.

That's sort of a little...

No, could be 'Who's your mummy?' 'Cause I'm a little bit older.

But it's sort of... No, it's sort of, um...

That's what you would have for friends, basically.

And then... then after that, there's social space.

So, social space is about 1.2, but Australians...

So, Europeans and Asians, they're social space is about 1.2, but Australians are a little bit more cautious -- they're 1.5.

1.5km?

1.5m.

1.5m?!

So, it's about that sort of distance. So that's...

And then there's public space.

And public space is about 3.2, so it's almost, you know...

Sorry. Yeah, I can guarantee you if you're in public space doing that, no-one's gonna stand around you, Linda.

No-one wants to be near you.

So that's what you want.

Well, they're nice in theory, but there aren't many times, publicly, we have that much space.

For example, in a lift. - Yeah.

What are we meant to do in a lift?

Oh, well, that's sort of... Basically, I think there's a few.

The unwritten law is you don't speak in the lift.

You look down.

Really?!

You don't pass wind.

So boring.

'You don't pass wind.'

Matt, did you hear that?

You don't pass wind.

And probably the other one is you don't go in with a mobile phone and speak on a mobile phone.

And that's sort of almost the height of rudeness and bad manners.

And, interestingly enough, I think men tend to do it all the time, because, you know, they have this sort of thing that they're doing such an important thing.

Well, I'm with Vodafone and my reception doesn't work in lifts, so it's fine.

Well, it's probably not a bad thing.

(Chuckles)

Yeah. Most probably not a bad thing.

What about shopping centres? OK. How do...?

How do shopping centres...

What are their dirty tricks to get people droppin' dat cash?

Oh, there's heaps, actually.

So, they're almost like casinos.

If you think about shopping centres in a completely different way, and they're like sort of these Byzantine labyrinths.

When you go into IKEA, a perfect example where you walk around -- and I'm sure you've been in there -- where you're actually going in to buy something, and you end up with ten different things that you didn't intend to buy.

So it's all about subversion.

So, if you... Next time you go into a shopping centre, have a look, there are no clocks in there.

Right? Nothing. So it's very similar to a casino.

And then the other thing they do, you can't find the lifts -- they're always tucked in a particular place.

They are! They're always so difficult to get to.

Very hard to find.

And also the escalators -- they're always sort of... the complete other ends of one another.

Alright? And you have to walk right around.

And also the type of music.

Next time you go in, 'cause they control the environments with the air and the type of music.

In some shopping centres, they're actually even pumping particular types of smells into the air.

Oh, like what?

Well, you know, like coffee smells or it could be sort of like citrus, so you feel up when you're sort of walking around, because it makes you feel good, and so you actually spend more money or they play particular types of music.

If you go to some shopping centres, you know, they'll play, quite often, opera, because you sort of feel quite relaxed and calm.

And so it means you'll stay longer.

What about technology? How has that affected life in public spaces?

'Cause I am a notorious texter-while-walker?

That's all, I just text...

Oh.

I can't stand people like you. They drive me crazy. - Why?

Well, I've got people to talk to and places to go.

Might as well k*ll two birds with one stone.

Literally kick one over by accident 'cause I'm not looking.

Exactly.

And you know that there's actually an app now, which I find quite fascinating, that you can walk along and it actually shows you the ground that you're walking on while you're walking.

Really? - Yes.

Half ground, half text?

Half ground, half text, yeah.

Oh, wow.

Soon they'll invent looking up.

Exactly. They will.

Ladies and gentlemen, please thank Linda Gregoriou, our guest teacher this evening...

Thank you.

.. on how to behave in public spaces.

Now, tonight we're talking about how not to behave in public.

Well, we know the theory behind humans and space, but the reality can be not quite so beautiful.

Yeah. In the USA last year, a retired police officer sh*t a man dead because he was text messaging during a film.

Behaviour in a cinema is a sore point for all generations.

The old hate the young using their phones.

The young hate the old making out.

What's OK and...?

Did your stomach just turn? You're so ageist.

So what's not OK in the cinema? Let's have a look.

(Voice-over): In the movie theatre we have to share a limited space with strangers.

Proper etiquette is important.

Unfortunately, there are some movie-goers...

Hey! Sshh!

.. who don't understand this.

Sorry. Sshh!

The glow worm is unable to sit through a movie without checking his phone, the light from which acts as a beacon for other patrons.

What? It's on 'silent'.

The glow worm is closely related to the scene stealer.

(Packet rustling)

The scene stealer waits until key moments in the film to draw maximum attention to themselves.

Actor: 'I wanna know who k*lled my wife.'

Actor: 'Are you prepared?'

'If you don't tell me right now...'

(Packet rustling)

'.. and I'll make you wish you regret the day you were born.'

'The man who k*lled your wife...'

'Tell me!'

'.. is...'

(Packet rustling)

'Oh, that's life-changing information.'

Sorry.

Arm rests are another area of concern.

Sitting next to a space invader means you often end up without arm rest at all.

So, what's the rule?

Every person can only use his or her left arm rest.

The space invader should only sit on the seat furthest to the right.

There they can enjoy the use of both arm rests.

I am 100% a glow worm. OK, I use my phone in cinemas.

What I can't stand though, is people who eat hot food in the cinemas, OK?

It's, like, I was watching a movie literally last week, alright?

I'm there, some dude just brings in a hot box of food from a fast food joint and just starts hoeing in mid-movie.

You're trying to escape into that world, and then all of a sudden, you're, like...

(Sniffs) Oh, they got nuggets in the T-rex enclosure, do they?

Is that...?

You know that's so arbitrary, it's like what behaviour suits you, suits you.

But nobody else is allowed to do what suits them. - Yeah.

The world can't work that way, Matt.

That's how etiquette works.

No, it doesn't, it's about sharing.

Sharing.

The real masters of cinema etiquette are in Japan where they've devised an ingenious way to avoid other people entirely.

All you have to do is cut a hole in a cardboard box for your iPad or your device and stick your head inside it.

You see? Your own private theatre.

How are you supposed to eat popcorn in that movie theatre, though?

You do one thing at a time and you do it properly, Matt.

But when the credits roll and you leave the cinema, only to find out that it's been raining outside...

You know how you always do that? You walk out, 'Wow, it's been raining.

Can't believe I've been in that whole time.'

We don't...

It happens every time you go to the cinema.

No it doesn't.

It does so often.

What, so if you go into a movie and you come out and go, 'Oh, God, it's dark'...

'It's been raining.' Yeah. You're always, like...

You do realise this is revealing more about you than the rest of us.

Look, once you leave the cinema the rules never stop.

OK? And nor should you.

You don't want to piss people off -- there are serious rules for walking on the street.

Take a look.

(Voice-over): Sometimes we need to overtake someone on foot who is moving at a slower speed than us.

Prolonging the duration of the overtaking procedure is known to spur a competitive instinct.

This can lead to embarrassment and/or injury.

(Clang!)

In these common situations many people rely on a break-out manoeuvre Just like in a race, the break-out person must dramatically increase their speed to overtake the other person.

You can latch onto a break-out person when they pick up their pace.

However, a maximum of two people may follow the lead of the break-out person, otherwise it becomes odd and slightly insulting.

Sometimes romantic couples like to hold hands and block the pathway.

Bursting straight through their linked hands in a procedure known as 'ribbon-cutting' is highly frowned upon and only employed in cases of emergency or by the unloved.

A related problem where pedestrians and politeness collide is the pavement tango.

(Tango music plays)

The rule is keep left, face your partner as they approach, lead with your left foot acknowledge your partner and pass.

What do you do? Do you hurry up if someone's trying to overtake?

I just... I'm weave. I'm a weaver.

I don't care which way, there's no left or rights, I'm just... I'm just... I'm hustlin'.

Yeah, but I bet you get infuriated by everybody who doesn't fit into your...

I got so annoyed by an old lady the other day.

Oh, man! I wanted to chuck her on the road.

I didn't. I bloody didn't.

There is a term for people like this.

There's a term, actually, for the condition that describes the enraged reaction of people to dawdlers or to smokers or people glued to their mobile phones or pram pushers or whatever.

It's called 'Intermittent expl*sive Disorder'.

I know, it sounds like a movie starring Arnie Schwarzenegger.

Who, by the way, also once said, 'I just use my muscles as a conversation piece, like someone walking a cheetah down 42nd Street.'

What?

Whatever happens, just make sure the cheetah doesn't bloody get in my way on the footpath, alright?

So what lessons have we learned tonight to change your wicked ways regarding personal space?

We've learned charity muggers make dat paper, son.

2-3... How much was it? 200 million or something.

We've learned that I actually don't speak English after all.

And that if you bend over in England to tie up your shoe laces, you're gonna form a queue.

Yep, that's for tonight's lesson.

Join us next week where we continue to fix the world one rule at a time.

Goodnight.

'Night.