01x07 - Sticky Wicket

[bunniefuu]

(theme music playing)

(speaking Pashto)

What's he saying?

Well, uh, darling. He's, um, very... disenchanted with you.

Ishaq, it's okay. C... calm down.

I'm afraid he can't understand you.

None of them speak English.

Tell him to put the f*cking w*apon down!

(speaking Pashto)

Vanessa: Okay, he says he wants to, but he struggles with his ardent disdain.

Great, well now he is referring to us in the past tense, so that cannot be positive news.

f*ck, it's the whole g*dd*mn Taliban.

Whoa.

(speaking Pashto)

Actually, Glenn, they're not... (whispers) Taliban.

(speaking Pashto)

They're Dotari. They hate the Taliban.

Calling them the Taliban deeply upsets them.

Friend, ease up.

Okay, Vanessa.

Can you please tell the w*rlord that I'm sorry for f*cking up his son and for all the confusion that it's caused.

Okay, well I'd love to, but it's a bit of a sticky wicket we're on.

What's happening now?

Okay, well it seems he's disappointed with his son.

(shouting in Pashto)

Very disappointed.

Martin: Remember me, love.

I'm the poor fellow you sh*t with a crossbow.

Well, here's a scintillating tidbit.

I've got no feeling in my bloody leg.

Oh, Martin. Suck it up!

(speaking Pashto)

Shake his hand, man.

(speaking Pashto)

That was my bad.

(speaking Pashto)

Vanessa, come on, English!

He says you that you gravely wounded his son's pride.

How...

(speaking Pashto)

And in an effort to redeem him in the eyes of his peers...

(speaking Pashto)

... he politely invites the two of you to fight to the death.

And, um, darling, I'd let him win.

Oh.

f*ck.

♪ ♪

Sir. It's time.

We should be over Switzerland now.

And that son of a bitch Raja.

How do I look?

Great.

I don't feel so good.

You don't?

(groans)

Hey fellas, where are we right now?

Major Robinson: Mr. Secretary, we are currently 38,000 feet over the Swiss Alps.

Get a call down to University Hospital in Geneva.

Tell them to expect me.

How fast can you put this thing on the ground?

Sir?

I'm experiencing some complications from my recent surgery.

This is a medical emergency.

Sir, I am under executive order from the president to fly you directly to DC.

No detours. If you're in distress, I suggest you speak to the flight medic.

I'm pretty sure I need a hospital, right now.

Flight medic, sir.

(Walter urinating)

Um... Andy.

Don't mind me.

I just wanted to keep you guys in the loop as to what's going on right now inside my d*ck.

He's peeing blood.

(Walter groans)

Geneva tower, this is Eagle 32, requesting priority landing.

(crowd shouting angrily)

Hey, I got it.

Let's steal a laundry truck, a couple of uniforms, hide the girls in the laundry bins and then just drive out the front gate.

That only works if you're escaping from a silent film.

Yeah.

Why can't we just climb out a window?

People would see us.

Could sneak them through the tunnel I use to deliver weed to my friend in the Chinese embassy?

Hey. I could call my ex-girlfriend.

She drives a UN van.

Although, I shouldn't call her when I'm high, because I'm actually still kind of crazy about her and I get really, really emotional.

Wait, what did you just say? The laundry truck?

No.

Oh, my secret tunnel?

So this is what they really mean by going rogue.

If I can't pull off a stunt like this, then what the hell is the point of being secretary of state and having this cool plane?

Good point. Good day.

Mr. Secretary. (Speaking German) Gruezi.

Hans Bixel, chief of protocol.

I apologize that our foreign minister cannot be here to welcome you personally.

Your arrival is on such a short notice.

No worries.

We have an ambulance waiting and have secured the route to the University Hospital, if you'd like to follow me...

Actually, I'm feeling much better. Thank God.

And I've been in contact with my doctor in the US, and he's advised getting some rest and seeing how things progress in the morning.

We have a very nice room reserved for you in the hospital, Mr. Secretary.

I was thinking more like the Hotel President Wilson.

They always treat me well.

But we, we have not secured the area.

I'm not concerned. This is Switzerland, not Kabul.

I'm sure my security team can handle it.

Of course, Mr. Secretary. Welcome in Switzerland.

If this plan falls apart, I just want to thank you in advance for throwing your career in with mine.

Don't remember being given the option.

(door opens)

Oh, wow.

Dude, how was this not the first idea that you had?

It's cool, huh?

This is amazing!

It connects a lot of the embassies in the diplomatic enclave. mite I found out about it, I said, "Perfect for delivering weed to my good friend, Zhao."

Whoa. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Who's Zhao?

Shh! Chinese agricultural attaché.

Right. Sounds really important.

It's not.

(crowd shouting)

(gasps)

Don't hurt him.

(both grunting)

Crowd: Oh!

What the f*ck!

What, man? He's swinging at me!

They're gonna f*cking k*ll us!

(both grunting)

Good.

Hands down, hands down.

Ooh!

Oh, g*dd*mn it, man, don't hit him so hard.

I'm trying!

Try harder.

Hey, quit talking to me and go find a f*cking w*apon, yeah?

Come on, man! I can't keep this sh*t up much longer.

I'm working on it.

Crowd: Oh!

Oh, well that's f*cking great.

All right, yeah, that time I just wanted to f*cking hit him.

He's not dead...

(Vanessa and Glenn chuckle)

He's just unconscious.

(speaking Pashto)

Vanessa! Talk to me!

Well, apparently, when he said a fight to the death, darling, he meant your death.

And since he doubts that's on the table anymore, he's just decided just to have his men k*ll you.

Great. (Chuckles)

(grunts)

(crowd laughs)

What the f*ck was that for?

Sorry, man.

I'm just trying to buy us some time!

(laughs)

(crowd laughs)

The longer these girls stay in this embassy, the more dangerous it is for them.

So you no have weed for me?

No. But I'm asking you for a favor as a friend.

Hmm, I enjoy purchasing marijuana from you.

I am sorry I have misled you into thinking and believing that we have friendship.

Good-bye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Zhao.

I'm not asking you to adopt them, just, you know, leave the door open and let them cross back over into Pakistan.

Hmm, I get caught, I making iPads in Shenzhen factory.

k*ll myself.

Okay, whoa, whoa.

I'm here to help you and the People's Republic of China.

How?

We both know Zaman can't be seen rescuing these girls.

It'll make him look like a folk hero.

It'll validate him as a leader.

And that's not what China wants.

Please, weed dealer, tell me why.

Because you and Pakistan are allies and Zaman is bat-sh*t crazy and you don't wanna be put into the position of defending him to the world when he f*cking nukes Israel.

Hmm, all China want from insane fool is to build railway through Pakistan linking my country to Gulf of Oman oil ports.

Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

Are you high right now?

A little. (Chuckles)

I wish I high right now.

Talk to your ambassador. This can all be your idea.

Milk it. Get a f*cking promotion out of it.

I think about it.

(gasps) Where the hell did all that come from?

Ah... I tend to get a little verbose when I'm lit.

That's the first time it's ever served me well.

I'm not gonna lie to you, I am very sexually attracted to you right now.

And you ruined it.

(crowd cheering)

Hey man, do you think if I throw a b*llet fast enough, I can k*ll somebody?

f*ck no, man.

Crowd: Oh!

Even if I throw it really fast?

I had an 80-mile-an-hour fastball in high school.

Forget about the f*cking b*llet.

You see that guy over there?

Leaning on his AK?

Got him.

When I say so, throw me into him as hard as you can.

Then what?

I grab his g*n. Cover you.

You grab his g*n. We take out as many as we can.

Oh f*ck! Okay, just say the word.

Let's go.

f*ck.

Crowd: Ooh!

f*ck! Ha! That's what I'm talkin' about!

Now what?

I don't know. I haven't planned this far.

Okay.

It's Haroon Raja. R-A-J-A.

So, if you could please just...

No, I am sorry.

Look, I just need to know if he's staying in this hotel.

I am not at liberty to divulge that information.

But this is a matter of international security.

I am very sorry.

Tell the team we're checking in.

Yes sir.

May I ask your name?

Heidi, sir.

Do you know who I am, Heidi?

Yes. I do, Mr. Secretary.

Have you been watching the news, Heidi?

Do you know what's going on in Pakistan?

Yes, sir, I do.

Well then, I must convince you it is of the utmost importance that you tell me what it is I need to know.

What do you need to know, sir?

If there's a man named Haroon Raja staying at this hotel, and if so, what room he's in.

He is in the Royal Penthouse Suite, sir.

Thank you.

Now, would you please check me in to a nice room, near the Royal Penthouse Suite?

I can have the Ambassador Suite ready for you right away, Mr. Secretary.

Well...

Oh, by the way...

What's that lovely perfume you're wearing?

Chanel No. 5.

Intoxicating.

(chuckles)

♪ ♪

Your move, darling.

Tell him if he lets us go, I won't sh**t him in the face.

(both speaking Pashto)

That doesn't work for him, I'm afraid.

(explosions and g*nshots)

g*dd*mn, man. Who the f*ck is that?

Vanessa: The Taliban.

The Dotari not only despise them, they're terrified of them.

Jeez, how do you tell these m*therf*ckers apart?

(speaking French) Vous êtes en état d'arrestation.

Putain !

Vous êtes qui, hein ?

(speaking French)

(speaking Italian)

What the f*ck is happening now?

I don't know, darling.

(speaking French) Vous êtes qui vous ?

What?

Who the g*dd*mn f*ck are you?

Lieutenant Commander Zeke Tilson.

That's Lieutenant Glenn Taylor.

And I'm pretty g*dd*mn sure there's a lot of people looking for us right now.

So, who the g*dd*mn f*ck are you?

Agent Augustin Gilles, Interpol.

Interpol?

What the f*ck is Interpol doing in South Waziristan?

She's an antiquity smuggler.

We've been tracking this couple for months.

This woman's husband has been in contact with us negotiating his surrender.

f*cking Martin!

Told you they had a f*cking phone!

Sorry.

What?

Anyone moves and Glenn gets it.

Apologies, Glenn.

What the f*ck did I do?

Vanessa.

Yeah?

I miss my f*cking family.

Aw.

You think sh**ting him is gonna get you out of this f*cking mess?

Well, perhaps not.

But at the moment, it's the only thing that's standing between me and being taken into custody.

So I imagine I'm gonna be standing here all day.

All: Oh!

f*cking assholes!

Afraid all day doesn't work for me when I'm slowly bleeding to death, love.

Now, would somebody please take both of us to a f*cking hospital right away?

These people are f*cking crazy, man.

That really stung, Martin!

I just heard from Zhao and we are a go.

Yes.

You will lose your job for this, won't you?

Probably. Definitely. Deservedly.

Thank you, Alex.

I like this new man.

Did you see that?

Yes. I did.

And you're gonna tell me that means nothing?

Normally I would, but today, you have shown great character.

I have, haven't I?

Meet back here in 20 minutes.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

Long time no see... friend.

Been shopping?

Nice shoes.

You have no jurisdiction over me here.

I have no jurisdiction over you anywhere.

I am going to continue on to my room now.

Here.

Walter: This is gonna be off the record.

You little Paki f*ck!

I got you 80 million dollars.

(Gasping)

I got you a membership at Augusta National.

And what did you do for me besides f*ck me through a fence?

I can't breathe...

I know you can't breathe!

I'm choking you!

Walter: Do you know how hard it is to get a non-white into Augusta, let alone a full-blown Muslim?

It's "Muss"-lim.

We made a deal.

Now you better get your p*ssy on a plane, back to Islamabad right now.

I'm done, Walter!

I left because your plan is sh*t!

My plan is not sh*t. My plan is great.

Everybody thinks so. The president, CIA, DOD, everybody.

Walter, I'm the head of a spy agency.

Give me a little credit!

You promised me an Ohio-class nuclear sub.

You lied to me.

My guy promised you an Ohio-class sub?

Yes.

f*ck me! f*cking Talbot!

If you can't even control the words and actions of Alex f*cking Talbot, then you understand why my confidence in you is severely waning?

I'll get you the damn sub.

No, you won't.

No, I won't. You're right.

But we're beyond that now, aren't we?

I heard you kidnapped seven Pakistani girls and locked them up in the US Embassy?

We didn't kidnap those girls.

And before that, you let two American pilots get sh*t down.

Now Zaman is not only going to be the man who will save seven of Pakistan's children, but a w*r hero, pulling F-18s out of the sky with his bare hands.

I mean, how can I make my move when you keep handing this mental patient royal flush after royal flush?

f*ck you!

f*ck me?

f*ck Ronald Reagan.

You f*ck Ronald Reagan.

How the f*ck did Ronald Reagan join this conversation?

When his people traded money and weapons to Iran.

To delay the release of the hostages until after the election?

1980.

Haroon, you so f*cking high on cocaine you forgot all this sh*t?

Walter, I do not understand what you're talking about.

We hold onto the girls at our embassy, till you take power.

Then you release them.

(Exhales)

You free the hostages. You're the hero.

You get to be Reagan.

Hmm? Good, right?

I get to be Reagan?

Mm-hmm.

f*ck Ronald Reagan!

All right. We'll do plan B.

Oh, and what is plan B?

Plan B. I tell your brother where you are.

Then, you're walking down the street.

A gorgeous woman is walking towards you.

She smiles at you. Brushes past you.

You feel a little prick.

Twenty-four hours later, you're dead.

It's a plan right out of the Putin playbook.

You wouldn't do that.

I would.

To keep your psychotic brother from nuking Israel, I f*cking would.

All right, give me the girls.

I'll take back Pakistan.

By the way, you shouldn't call someone from my country a Paki.

It's incredibly offensive.

Yeah, I know.

The second it came out of my mouth, I felt really bad.

I'm really sorry. That was inappropriate.

And I get to keep the bloody money.

Yeah, sure. Just do me a favor.

You know all that money that came out of my wallet to pay for cocaine and you never paid for?

Back in college, remember that?

Tip the f*cking maids.

You're getting a reputation, you know, as a cheapskate.

It's embarrassing to be your friend.

I'll tell you what.

I'll promise to tip the maids, if you promise not to f*ck them.

Get over it.

Students: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America...

We are going on a little field trip.

Where?

All I can say is, you're gonna have the best Chinese food you've ever tasted.

I have contacted their parents to pick them up at our family's cabin.

Okay.

It is all set.

Good. And this is for you.

What is this?

My diplomatic English to Chinese manual, in case you need it.

I will not forget this.

I'm sort of counting on that.

♪ ♪

As soon as I get clearance, we'll be wheels up for DC, Mr. Secretary.

Sounds good, Major.

Might I ask, how are you feeling?

I'm fine.

I never had a medical issue.

I was lying to you because you were being a d*ck.

I hope to see you in August for the G7.

(growls softly)

(stifled giggle)

Major. Wheels up!

Sir.

Kendra: Uh, sir...

I have to say, for someone your age, when it comes to women...

Get Alex Talbot on the phone.

Yes, sir.

(phone ringing)

Okay, keep going.

Wait for me at the entrance to the stairwell.

I got to take this call.

Alex Talbot...

Just who the f*ck do you think you are?

Alex Talbot?

You almost torpedoed this whole thing when you promised Raja a f*cking sub...

Not a secure line.

A f*cking tub toy that you know damn well Daddy had no intention of giving him.

You weren't at the tea party!

The brown bunny was gonna poop his pants if I didn't give him a carrot! I had to make a call.

You're not making any more calls, you understand?

You're the last guy I want to be hinging this whole thing on right now.

I thought you said we were cut from the same cloth.

Yeah, that's not a compliment.

Now, do you have eyes on the seven dwarfs?

I'm looking at them right now. Why?

Oh god. It's a bloody mess!

They're going to lock us in a room and throw away the room.

You f*cking idiot!

Is this what marriage is like?

Yeah, pretty much.

You are a poisonous old witch, do you know that?

You flaccid little fucker.

Vanessa: Well, maybe if I wore your mother's nightgown, maybe you'd f*cking get it up then.

Well, I wish Mother were here now, because she was right about you.

She was right about you the day I introduced her to you...

Gail: This is Lieutenant Gail Sweet with US Navy public affairs.

It is my pleasure to inform you that your ex-husband and father to your children, Commander Zeke Tilson, has been found alive and well.

He's being evac'd back to his ship as we speak.

So he's okay?

He's fine.

And on a personal note, I want you to know, this whole experience has made me feel weirdly closer to you.

Okay. But I'm not sure what you mean.

I mean, with everything that's going on with the baby... you're sort of family now.

What baby?

And who the hell are you, anyway?

So, let me get this straight.

You want to keep the girls here, and then let Raja come in and parade them around on TV, and turn them into political pawns?

It's a little more complicated than that. But, yeah, pretty much.

I cannot believe you are saying this, Alex.

Please, he's just thinking about his career.

No! Believe me, this is the last thing I want, but think bigger picture.

Think of humanity's greater good.

In a way, I'm being very selfless.

Walter Larson is using these girls and he is using you.

These girls are scared and they want to go home!

Come on, Rafiq, we are going.

Bye, Alex.

Guys. Guys! Guys!

It's not like I can't call Zhao right now and tell him the deal's off.

You know what, you call Zhao.

Yeah, then you can stop pretending that you care. Right?

Go back to being the man you were.

Shallow and self-centered.

If Zaman stays in power, he destroys Israel and then Israel destroys Pakistan.

We're talking hundreds of thousands of lives.

It's not just about the girls!

Oh, you're trying to save the world?

Whose world are you trying to save, Alex?

Are you trying to save their world?

Because they are human beings whose lives are gonna be destroyed.

Maybe you're trying to save your world...

The one where you get to go home, be a hero in f*cking Connecticut.

I can't let you take them.

Yes, you can.

You are going to let us slip out of here before anyone knows that we are gone, and you are going to take the blame for letting us leave.

Are you good with that? Good.

(sirens wailing)

I'm sorry. I can't let you go.

(overlapping chatter)

Obsession. For men.

Son of a bitch.

Walter: Yeah!

All right, get the Israelis on the phone so I can tell them to call off whatever bullshit they're planning with Pierce.

The Russians and the Chinese?

f*ck 'em.

Let them find out about it on Drudge.

US Mission Control 1: Eagle 21, we are eyes on compound, Echo-Echo-Bravo-Nine-Five. Do we have a go?

Let's do this.

Israeli Intelligence: We have positive ID?

US Mission Control 2: Waiting on positive ID.

Israeli Intelligence: Tel Aviv has clear picture.

US Mission Control 2: DC has a clear picture.

Mr. President, I have just received official confirmation that Umair Zaman is no longer in charge of Pakistan.

You're g*dd*mn right.

Drone Pilot: Confirmed positive ID. Target in residence.

What is this?

It is good to be king!

US Mission Control 1: Engage!

No, no, no, no, no!

(missiles flying overhead)

(laughing)

Oh my God.

(acoustic guitar playing slow blues melody)

♪ Come down off your throne ♪
♪ And leave your body alone ♪
♪ Somebody must change ♪
♪ You are the reason I've been waiting so long ♪
♪ Somebody holds the key ♪
♪ Well, I'm near the end ♪
♪ And I just ain't got the time ♪
♪ And I'm wasted ♪
♪ And I can't find my way home ♪
♪ ♪