01x09 - Let's Have a Baby

[bunniefuu]

Clear the path, everyone.

Does it hurt?

Sir, get it against the wall.

Hands in the wall.

Do you need water or...

You know, it's interesting that it's not like in the movies when the pregnant lady is freaking out the whole time.

No, I'm not gonna freak... ow!

What do we do? What do we do? ooh.

What do we...

I don't know! I don't know!

Press on her back.

Is that good, honey?

I'm gonna go get you a room, okay?

No, no, no, no. I need you.

I'm here. I'm here.

She'll be right there.

I'm gonna be there for one second, okay?

Okay, okay.

But you can see her.

Hi, hi.

Hi.

Is it... Ramona, is it?

My best friend is in labor, so we just need to do whatever we need to do to get this party started.

Okay.

I'll get everything together that we need to get started.

Maggie: Oh... okay.

Yeah. Okay.

[Maggie groans]

Oh... ahh.

I'm sorry. When you're done with your little snack, my friend is in a tremendous amount of pain.

I'm diabetic.

I need to have a snack every 20 minutes.

I don't think a mini snickers is maybe the right thing for the blood... sugar.

[Maggie groans] Ma'am?

I need your I.D. Card.

I got that. I got it, I got it.

Then you can fill out these forms in triplicate.

Triplicate? What is this? Communist Russia?

Three forms three times.

[Elevator bell rings]

Okay.

[Maggie groans]

Rude.

Emma, don't piss these people off, okay?

They will make your life a living nightmare.

Hey, Maggie will have whatever she needs, and it is my job to make it happen.

Okay. Thank you so much for helping...

Uh, Ramona, is it?

Yeah.

Yeah, you've been a real sweetheart.

Oh, it's no problem, sweetie.

You really have.

It's no problem.

Oh, are you the father?

No, no, no, that's...

Both: Bruce!

We forgot about Bruce!

Okay, yeah, yep.

Go tell Bruce!

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but how about this Southern exposure, right?

It's good.

See, Mags?

You don't get it unless you ask for it, right?

Oh, get off your high horse.

It was the only room available.

Oh, not you again. Really?

Oh, I was just filling in for Victoria up front.

Uh, I am actually your nurse. This is my shift.

Ugh!

Yeah, but don't worry.

I'm gonna take very, very good care of you.

Okay, good.

The only thing that you need to know that might be troublesome is that your doctor, Dr. Ullman, is not gonna be able to make it.

What?

What do you mean?

Where is he? He won powerball.

What?

He won powerball.

He bought 85 tickets and he got a winner.

No, no, no, Emma, this is not gonna work for me.

Yeah.

I need Dr. Ullman here.

He's the only one that knows my vag*na inside and out.

I'll take care of this. I will take care of this.

Ramona, this is not gonna work for us.

Well, your attending physician is Dr. J.

Dr. J? No, no, no.

Dr. J?

I don't like the sound of that.

What is that? A nickname?

That's not professional at all.

Well, let me tell you what.

It's actually my last name.

Hello. You must be Maggie.

Hi. I'm Dr. J.

Oh, my.

Oh!

It's so nice to meet you.

Well, Ramona, stop giving these ladies a hard time and go get us some ice chips, please.

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you.

Ha! So you ready to have a baby today or what?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

A thousand times, yes.

Great. [Laughter]

So, how are you feeling, sweetheart?

You look amazing.

Oh, God, you look amazing.

I'm sorry for the last-minute switcheroo.

You know, that's never fun.

But let me tell you, everything is on track.

The baby's heartbeat sounds strong, blood work came back perfect.

You clearly are a pro at this.

Oh, am I?

You know, I've delivered over...

Well, I don't want to age myself...

But over 3,000 births.

Oh, my God.

Wait, what?

Yeah.

That's impossible.

You look so young.

Oh, please!

And listen, these fluorescent lights aren't doing me any favors.

Oh, are you kidding me?

You don't have a line on your face.

Come on. You're so gorgeous.

You're just a stunning woman.

Just stunning head to toe.

Thank you.

Top to bottom. I mean, I was like, "whoo!"

You know? Yeah, I was, "is this like a- is this a hospital room or a catwalk?"

You know, that's what I was saying.

So beautiful.

I'm sorry.

I'm Emma. Sorry.

Hi, Emma.

I just had a quick question.

37 weeks... you're absolutely sure that's not too soon for this baby to...

Oh, my God, stop it.

I'm just nervous.

No, I told her it was fine.

It's absolutely fine.

My wife Teri just had our first baby at 37 weeks.

Everything was right as rain.

Aww. See?

Oh, good.

So don't worry.

Don't worry.

Now, how long have you two known each other?

Oh, my God, just, like, forever.

Yeah.

Our whole lives really.

Yeah, from childhood and then...

Well, we really kicked it up in high school, though.

Yeah, we took it up to the next level.

Yeah.

Okay!

[Laughter]

Well, nothing makes me happier than getting to deliver a baby from a happy couple like you two.

Well, anyways, us gays, we gotta stick together.

Am I right or what?

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah.

You're right.

[Door closes]

"Us gays"?

Why didn't we tell her that we're not gay?

I don't know. I went like this.

I did too. Like a power...

Like a "power to the people."

Is that what they do?

No!

I think that's wrong.

And anyhow, why did we let her believe that we were lesbians?

What were we gonna say? That we're not lesbians?

Oh, I know, and then she would have felt like we were judging her.

Oh, my God. But we have to tell her, right?

She's made me feel so comfortable.

I wouldn't want to do anything, you know...

Yeah, I know, to make it, like, weirder.

Both: Yeah.

Somebody need a double hip press?

Oh, my God. Zach!

I can't believe you made it.

I'm so happy.

Yeah.

I didn't know where you were.

Well, I went to Taos.

Taos, New Mexico?

That's correct.

I went to a doula intensive where you witness births and you learn techniques to assist a woman through the precious journey of labor.

Aww.

I am now a certified doula in training.

It's your "push" present.

Oh, Zach, that is so sweet.

You know, that's funny. I went to learn how to be a doula, but I left learning how to be a man.

I feel like I've found my life's calling.

Yeah.

Well, you certainly found a bunch of scarves.

I did.

Why do you have one tied on your leg?

You look like Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean.

[As Jack sparrow] A higher compliment has never been paid to me.

What is that? What are you doing?

That's Johnny Depp.

Oh, my God.

These scarves are one of my many tools that I use in the birthing process.

This one in particular is very handy for spinning a breech baby using the rebozo method.

You get low center of gravity, under the hump.

"Under the hump"?

[Groans]

[Both groaning]

That's right, Mags. Blegh.

No. I'm having another one.

No? Oh, it's happening.

One's happening.

Hold on one second.

I want you to lie down on your side.

Okay. [Groans]

Okay?

And I want you to put this right in-between your legs.

What is this?

This is a pubic moth.

What?

That does feel much better.

Thank you. Oh, Zach, you are a magician.

It's not magic. It's just an understanding of the female form.

This is magic. [Snaps fingers]

[Gasps] A starburst!

Okay, all right. That was good, though.

You did a good job.

Yeah, thanks, sweetie.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

There's Dr. J. Should we just, you know, tell her that we're not lesbians?

You know what, it might be good just to be honest.

You know, just, like, rip the band-aid off.

Okay, okay, we'll do it.

Hi.

Hi, my favorite ladies.

Aww. [Laughter]

Taking a walk?

Yep, yeah.

We're just stretching it out and...

Deep lunges really work.

Apparently Pink tried it.

Shook the baby right out of her.

How about that?

Wait.

Did you read that in US Weekly?

I did.

God, she's just like us.

You're just like us.

It's one of my guilty pleasures.

That and Real Simple.

Aww.

Wait. Real Simple magazine?

I've subscribed since the first issue.

Oh, my God. This one never shuts up about...

What is it? "New uses for old things"?

Oh, yeah, the bundt pan that's used as a...

Corn holder!

Oh, my God! Don't even get me started.

We use that every summer at our beach house on Block Island.

Oh, come on! [Laughs]

Wow.

Well, Dr. J, we... we just wanted to tell you that, um, we... uh, ugh! How do I... um...

You know, my wife Teri and I are headed that way this summer.

You two should join us.

Shut your mouth.

Oh, my God.

On Block Island?

Yeah.

We would absolutely love to.

Great.

It's our lovers and couples weekend.

What?

Okay, okay, okay.

That's, um... your couples... [Clears throat]

So it's...

Your standard... standard couples and also lovers.

So you have to be a couple or a lover, then, to attend.

Right.

I get it.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Well, we love each other, and we are c... a couple.

So why wouldn't we, right? We just...

What are you... Okay.

Mags!

Oh, God.

Who's that very short-armed man?

That's our, uh, cousin...

Sperm donor.

It's the cousin of our sperm donor.

Yeah, our sperm donor d*ed in a fiery motorcycle...

Car accident. He was actually in the sidecar.

Collision, uh-huh.

Sidecar?

Yeah.

And then we became friends...

Guys, I almost didn't make it.

Oh, thank God you're here.

Oh.

Wow, well, I will let you guys catch up.

It's amazing what your cousin did for these two.

I'm sorry for his untimely passing.

Okay.

Wait, what happened to cousin Tony?

Just shut up, shut up. Just shut up.

Tony Joes is dead?

No, no, no, no.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Oh, my God.

No, no, stop.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Both: Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

We're just lunging it out, Pink style.

Both: Oh, my God.

So I'm the sperm donor.

No, no, no, you're the cousin of the sperm donor.

He d*ed in a fiery crash.

But Tony Joes is okay?

Oh, my God.

Yes, Tony Joes is okay.

Thank God. I love that guy.

Ah, I know.

Why are we doing this again? because we messed up and we told Dr. J that we were lesbians, but we can't tell her that it's a lie because then it would be really weird when we need her to deliver the baby.

Yeah, plus, she invited us to Block Island, which is like a dream of mine, you know that.

Come on.

I'm the sperm donor's brother.

Oh, my God, you're the cousin. You're the cousin.

Cousin. God damn it! I can't do anything right.

I almost missed this thing.

It's the one seven-hour stretch that I'm at a carnival, you know, and then you go into labor.

It's perfect.

What were you doing at a carnival for seven hours, Bruce?

'Cause I was winning you this.

What is that?

It's a dolphin, Maggie.

Why are you staring at me like that?

It's a dolphin.

I'm sorry. I'm not... I don't...

I'm not following, and I don't...

Remember?

We took our honeymoon in Kissimmee.

We wanted to go swimming with dolphins...

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

But we couldn't because they accidentally mixed in a porpoise and it got really aggressive with one of the toddlers and...

Both: Took a toe off.

Yeah.

And we had to spend the whole day at a Denny's, and you were so sad.

Yeah, because the pool that we were gonna swim in was filled with blood.

That's what you want to remind me of?

No, I wanted to say...

Here's your dolphin.

You can swim with it now.

You can swim with it now.

[Groaning]

What's happening? Why is she staring at me?

She's having a contraction.

This is a contraction?

Okay, yes.

It's coming right now. I can get it.

No, no.

Can I help get it out?

No, no, no, no. I don't need this.

Okay, can everyone get out, please?

Hey, I am your emotional liaison.

I don't know.

Bruce, let's go.

How are you eating that Jell-O and crying this hard at the same time?

I eat on an inhale.

[Coughs]

Oh, my God.

I just got Jell-O lodged in my trachea.

You just choked on Jell-O?

I just choked on Jell-O.

Okay, well, you know what?

This isn't in the doula handbook, but I'm gonna slap you across the face.

Do you think it'll help?

I do.

Huh. Okay.

Uh, so maybe, like, kind of count me in, you know what I mean?

Like a one...

Are you dead?

No.

That was really good. Yeah.

That felt great. That felt great.

Okay, you're welcome.

Now, what's going on?

I don't want to screw up being a dad the same way that I screwed up my marriage.

I don't want to mess up for this baby 'cause I love her already, and she's not even out of Maggie yet.

Look, Bruce, you did mess up with Maggie, okay?

But you haven't messed up with this baby yet.

You have a clean slate.

This is your chance to prove that you are gonna be a good dad.

I do want to prove it.

Good, so when we go back into that room, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna keep it together.

That's right.

I'm not even gonna mention that I almost choked on this Jell-O.

I want you to literally tell her nothing about yourself, okay?

Okay.

Can you do me one more favor?

Can you hit me in the face one more time?

Aah!

All right, okay.

[Groaning]

I want you to think about the cool waves at Block Island, okay?

Okay, okay. My toes are in the sand.

Yeah, and there's Dr. J, and...

[Gasps] And Teri's just brought out some fresh clams for a clam bake. oh, my God, on a hand-painted tray.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

Thank you, Teri.

She shouldn't have, right?

No.

And then they're passing out cashmere pashminas that we can take home.

What?

The take-home is cashmere?

Yep.

Oh, my God, Teri!

Teri!

Oh. [Groans]

Oh, God.

Okay.

All right, and you're done.

Okay.

Okay.

Let me get you some water.

Okay.

[Sighs]

There we go.

You think there will really be cashmere?

Oh, I know there will.

Is now a good time?

[Sighs] Do you have it together?

He's got it together. Doula's honor.

I just want to say that...

Oh, here we go.

Okay, don't propose to me, man.

I can't... I can't handle it right now.

No, I'm not.

This is a proposal for an apology.

Okay, just... You can just apologize.

Okay, look, I know I really messed things up with you, and I know I can't go back and fix it.

But I'm gonna be there 100% for this little girl.

Whatever she needs, I'm gonna be the best dad around.

Thank you, Bruce. That's... that means a lot.

Now, if anybody needs me, I'm gonna be in the corner blowing up this plastic dolphin with air from my mouth.

All right, buddy.

Oh. [Laughs] Full house.

Yeah.

Hey.

Who haven't I met?

Oh, well, this is, um, Maggie's brother Zach.

I just got back from a doula intensive in Taos, so if you need somebody to tag in at any point...

[Clicks tongue]

Okay.

I got it.

Thank you. Hi, Maggie.

Hi.

Hi. How are you feeling?

Is the pain bearable?

Yeah, I'm doing good.

Good.

I think I'm gonna still try to do it without an epidural, so...

Yeah, Maggie's really strong.

I always say she's like an old thoroughbred mare.

Ow.

You know?

That's what first attracted me to her, her strength.

I remember in our commitment ceremony, I was a mess, but this old thoroughbred...

She was just strong as a rock.

Wow. Where was it?

Oh, in Boca Raton.

Um, I was wearing a tankini two-piece, and you were in a sleeveless white tuxedo top, right?

With, uh... Yeah, mmhmm.

Some Capri pants.

Yes.

They were by, um... what was the designer?

Hugo, uh...

Hugo Boss.

Yep.

Yeah.

I always love the cut of his suits...

Oh! Okay.

Heret comes.

Okay.

Okay, you need something?

[Groans] That pillow. That weird pillow.

Pillow... Zach, Zach, can you get the pillow?

It's not in here.

Zach, come on, man.

Grab the pillow!

It's a pillow, and it looks like a moth.

Keep breathing.

Use the dolphin!

Use the dolphin!

Quiet.

Use the dolphin.

Focus please.

Oh, God.

Don't press down, man!

Shh, shh, keep breathing.

What is this?

What is this? Nobody wants that.

Nobody wants that. Oh, my God.

Wait, get your head out from between her legs!

That is so weird of you.

I think there's a hole in there.

Oh, God. Okay.

Get the dolphin away from me!

I'm trying to do this for my baby, all right?

You know what, it's our child, because you are the cousin of the sperm donor...

Of course I recall. It's my cousin.

No, no, no, no. [Overlapping shouting]

Shut up for a second!

Everybody just be quiet.

In this moment... In this moment, I'm gonna tell the truth.

Okay, he's not the cousin of the sperm donor.

He's the dad.

And this is my best friend, and this is my brother, and you're Dr. J.

And I'm having a contraction, and then I'm gonna have a baby.

Okay, I-I don't know what's going on here.

We're really sorry, Dr. J.

We let you believe we were lesbians because you're just such a good doctor and...

We didn't want to make it weird, but we made it weird anyway.

Yeah, and we just wanted you to like us.

So, um, I am actually the best friend.

Yeah, and we just wanted you opped everhing,.

And I moved in to help her with the baby.

Okay.

For the record, this a little lesbian-y.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

[Moaning]

Okay, okay.

I know, I know, I know. Oh, it hurts.

Oh, God!

Where is Ramona?

I called her, like, five minutes ago!

Okay, Zach, can you get me the warm rice thing in the sock, please?

Emma, I don't... I don't think I can do this.

No, you're doing so great. You're doing great.

Okay, but I think I might need an epidural.

I know I said I didn't want one. Is it bad?

You are gonna have whatever you want.

I don't care. I'll go Shirley MacLaine on these people.

Shirley MacLaine from Steel Magnolias?

No, no, no. Terms of Endearment,honey.

Terms of Endearment.

Okay, thank you!

How are we doing?

I'm in a lot of pain, and I'm hurting.

I know. That's because you're almost close, honey.

I'm gonna go wash up, but you're doing great.

Dr. J, can I talk to you for a second?

Zach, Zach... I'm gonna be right back.

Okay, I'm gonna be right back.

[Moaning]

Okay, I know we said we didn't want an epidural, but we actually have changed our mind.

Oh, well, it's too late for that.

What are you talking about?

She's about to start pushing.

There's no time.

No, no, no. Somebody should have told me that because we need to figure something out, then.

Because she is in a lot of pain right now.

So what I need you to do is go get an anesthesiologist, okay?

Thank you very much.

I'm going to remind you that you're her best friend, and I am her doctor.

And it's not advisable right now.

That baby is too far down.

If you want mom and baby to be healthy, we cannot have an epidural.

I know, but I promised her that I would get her an epidural.

She needs an epidural.

The only thing she needs right now... is you.

I'm gonna go get suited up.

I'll meet you in there.

We're about to have a baby.

Okay.

[Exhales]

Shirley MacLaine.

Ahem!

Aaaahhhh!

I can see the head!

She's got all this hair. It's gorgeous!

Okay, this is very exciting. This is very exciting.

Maggie, just a couple more good pushes like that.

You're doing great.

Okay, but I'm tired. I'm so, so tired.

I know, but you're doing so good.

You're doing so good, okay?

Can she just maybe take it out and then I'll see you on the other side of it?

'Cause I'm just, like, real tired is what is happening.

You know what? We're almost done.

Also, it hurts is what it does, is it hurts.

We're almost done.

So can you just give me one more push?

No, I can't. I can't.

No, no! Maggie?

Can't do it.

Okay.

Okay.

All right, listen to me. Listen to me.

I'm gonna get real dark with you for just one second.

But I promise you, it will have a good ending.

All right, do you remember the morning of your parents' funeral?

What?

Stay with me.

When we got to the chapel you said, "I can't do it.

I can't say goodbye to them."

[Crying]

And I said, "yes, you can.

Yes you can, because I'm gonna be right here with you."

Okay.

So you leaned on my shoulder and you walked down that aisle.

Okay, well, guess who's here right now.

Your mom.

[Crying]

She's here. She's here, Mags, yes.

And she's wearing that weird housecoat she used to wear at high school that we tried to throw out so many times.

Oh, that was ugly.

So you know what I want you to do?

I want you to grab my hand.

And I want you to grab her hand.

And I want you to push that baby right out of you.

Okay.

Okay? I love you. Let's do this!

Okay.

Let's do this!

Let's do it!

Let's have a baby, okay?

Come on!

It's coming, it's coming, it's coming.

Okay, okay. Okay.

[Screaming]

Hold that push, hold it.

Hold it.

[Screaming]

I can see it!

[Screaming]

[Baby cries]

You have a beautiful baby girl.

[Baby cries]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

[Baby cries]

I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Did we wake you?

[Laughs]

[Baby cries]

Hey! Oh, God, how is she?

Is she good? Are they good?

You don't understand.

She pushed it out of her. She was phenomenal.

I mean, honestly, she is the strongest person in the world.

Where is Tina? Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah, it's okay. It's fine.

No, she's, um... She went to her mom's.

She, uh, she needs a couple of days to cool off.

What's her name?

Charlotte, after Maggie's mom.

And... oh, my God, Mark... You don't understand.

She is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.

She has these big blue eyes.

And she came out, and it was just like, "Rawwrr! I'm here!"

You know? I mean, she's probably a baby genius.

But we're gonna encourage her to be whatever she wants.

You know, like a senator or a cosmonaut or...

I mean, if she wants to work at Claire's Boutique, that's okay with us, just as long as she's happy.

You know what, I don't...

I don't think I've ever seen you this happy.

Ha ha!

I bought you some of this, uh, junk food stuff that you like just because I figured you needed a little sustenance.

Oh, please, I didn't do anything.

It was all Maggie.

Well, hey, I think you... had a little something to do with it.

But do you want to meet her?

Absolutely, I want to meet her, yeah!

I'm pretty sure she has, like, Julia Roberts' hair 'cause I can see it already coming in.

[Baby fussing]

Okay, everyone, first family photo.

All right, now what's our rule?

What's our rule?

Oh, God, no areolas.

Yeah, nobody's interested in seeing your areolas in their inbox.

Well, that's not true.

Is that my bathrobe?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's your bathrobe.

Dr. J, get in here!

[Overlapping chatter]

Hi, everybody.

Oh, Ramona, can you take a picture... wide sh*t, no flash?

Okay, here we go.

1...2...

I found my pelvic pillow.

What?

[Shutter clicks]

I'm driving like 5 miles an hour, is that okay?

Yeah, you could go slower.

Okay.

[Laughing]

She's got a real tight grip on my finger.

Ah, that's 'cause she's a tiny baby champion, that's why.

Yes, she is. Yes, she is.

Oh, what is she fussing about?

Shh, shh, shh...

Oh, you know what?

I know what'll soothe the savage beast.

[Kenny Loggins' Celebrate Me Home]

The smooth vocals of one Mr. Kenny Loggins.

It's our favorite.

And a trip down good ol' Main Street.

Oh... oh, my God.

It's your first trip down Main Street.

Both singing along: ♪Please, celebrate me home ♪
♪Gimme your number ♪

She loves it.

♪Please, celebrate me home ♪